kaliraksha
Well-known member
Recently, my boyfriend and I have been more concerned about his parents accepting us because we are discussing getting married (not like in the next few months... but after we graduate). All in all, we understand and have extensively talked about it... that if it comes down to it our happiness is more important than pleasing them... but ideally we want everyone to get along =)
Well, there are three major things wrong here according to my boyfriend's parents.
1. He's suppose to be concentrating on school and not have a girlfriend. He can "date" whenever he graduates and meets a girl to marry according to his parents. (SO obviously they dont understand dating... and have admitted that)
2. I'm not Indian and he is... and he is the only child and the only family they have in the US.
3. I'm a 1.5 yrs older than he is and they think he should find someone more his age and that I influence him negatively... (I think this is ridiculous, but it's still a point to keep in mind)
When we first started dating we weren't necessarily serious so keeping it a secret from his parents was no biggy... since they didn't want him dating period. Later when we got serious he told them we were dating... of course a hysterical fit was in order from his parents.
He still can't tell them how much time we spend together because they tend to blame everything on me... they blamed me for him not getting a haircut when he came home ... asking him if I liked his hair long or if I took up too much of his time to get his haircut?
However, I will agree that progress has been made... his mom won't even consider the option that we could really care about each other... she use to come out and say hi to me when we were just "friends"...and now if I go pick him up she stays inside and won't come outside at all. At first they were concerned that we were too close of friends... now that we're dating they want us to just be good friends... maybe I should tell them we're married and have a kid and they will accept the dating? Haha
It's no longer about his age and dating... because they told him he can date as long as it's someone who is Indian. So that doesn't help me too much.
I'm mostly just stressed out... because generally speaking... parents like me... and his not liking me... I know it's because they're bias because they don't want to get to know me. His dad told him that he didn't want to get to know me because he's scared he would like the type of person I am. His dad is like our only hope - although he gives him little fits about it I think it's because his mom pushes his dad to get my bf to leave me. Recently his dad asked for a suggestion on a book to read about dating and why it was acceptable and good to date before getting married. His dad is really intellectual and likes to see everything in writing and with studies or some form of logic... so this might actually be helpful. This one act is giving us hope that they will come around.
Anyone experienced anything like this? Words of advice with difficult "in-law" types? Any book suggestions?
I mean we're both set that if it comes down to it... we will just need to stop caring about it and move on and live happily... but he means the world to his parents... they are 110% all about him... do not have a life outside of him (yes, this is a huge problem... but they won't even go out to their wedding anniversary dinner without him... so that's an entire other issue) and I don't want to see him break away from his parents just because we couldn't get past the ice breaker and the preconceived notions about each other. I see it all the time... he calls his parents less, he doesn't talk to them about what's really going on, he lies to them and he resents them more because they blame everything on me... and he pulls away... and then they blame that on me too (which is true, sure... but only because they give him such a hard time about something that should be normal and his choice). It's a never ending cycle.... they throw out some random BS about his choices related to me... he resents them... stops calling them... they blame it on me...he stays away even more... and it just keeps going on. I try my best to remember all of this, but sometimes the stuff they say about me really upsets me... and I try not to make a big deal about it because I don't want him to be upset with them and pull away more and I realize they are making judgements without knowing me... but it gets very tiring... the first six months they would call all the time to see if he was with me... or to tell him that I was giving his mom heart problems at night!
Any suggestions appreciated... or just words of advice... or just comforting... I'm just stressed out with my own life and feel like the sooner we tackle this the better... if we get married and they're like this... I don't know if I want to marry into something like that... I feel it will come down to we leave this negativity out of our life by leaving them or we can't be together. My boyfriend and I have gone through a lot to be together... stuff we've put ourselves through... and my friends who didn't know him at all trying to keep us apart... and then later his friends wanting to keep us apart- because they all needed to be single so they could fuck around together.
Sorry this is entirely too long.... even if no one responds... just getting it out somewhere and knowing it might get looked at some time takes a little off my chest. Thanks guys <3
Well, there are three major things wrong here according to my boyfriend's parents.
1. He's suppose to be concentrating on school and not have a girlfriend. He can "date" whenever he graduates and meets a girl to marry according to his parents. (SO obviously they dont understand dating... and have admitted that)
2. I'm not Indian and he is... and he is the only child and the only family they have in the US.
3. I'm a 1.5 yrs older than he is and they think he should find someone more his age and that I influence him negatively... (I think this is ridiculous, but it's still a point to keep in mind)
When we first started dating we weren't necessarily serious so keeping it a secret from his parents was no biggy... since they didn't want him dating period. Later when we got serious he told them we were dating... of course a hysterical fit was in order from his parents.
He still can't tell them how much time we spend together because they tend to blame everything on me... they blamed me for him not getting a haircut when he came home ... asking him if I liked his hair long or if I took up too much of his time to get his haircut?
However, I will agree that progress has been made... his mom won't even consider the option that we could really care about each other... she use to come out and say hi to me when we were just "friends"...and now if I go pick him up she stays inside and won't come outside at all. At first they were concerned that we were too close of friends... now that we're dating they want us to just be good friends... maybe I should tell them we're married and have a kid and they will accept the dating? Haha
It's no longer about his age and dating... because they told him he can date as long as it's someone who is Indian. So that doesn't help me too much.
I'm mostly just stressed out... because generally speaking... parents like me... and his not liking me... I know it's because they're bias because they don't want to get to know me. His dad told him that he didn't want to get to know me because he's scared he would like the type of person I am. His dad is like our only hope - although he gives him little fits about it I think it's because his mom pushes his dad to get my bf to leave me. Recently his dad asked for a suggestion on a book to read about dating and why it was acceptable and good to date before getting married. His dad is really intellectual and likes to see everything in writing and with studies or some form of logic... so this might actually be helpful. This one act is giving us hope that they will come around.
Anyone experienced anything like this? Words of advice with difficult "in-law" types? Any book suggestions?
I mean we're both set that if it comes down to it... we will just need to stop caring about it and move on and live happily... but he means the world to his parents... they are 110% all about him... do not have a life outside of him (yes, this is a huge problem... but they won't even go out to their wedding anniversary dinner without him... so that's an entire other issue) and I don't want to see him break away from his parents just because we couldn't get past the ice breaker and the preconceived notions about each other. I see it all the time... he calls his parents less, he doesn't talk to them about what's really going on, he lies to them and he resents them more because they blame everything on me... and he pulls away... and then they blame that on me too (which is true, sure... but only because they give him such a hard time about something that should be normal and his choice). It's a never ending cycle.... they throw out some random BS about his choices related to me... he resents them... stops calling them... they blame it on me...he stays away even more... and it just keeps going on. I try my best to remember all of this, but sometimes the stuff they say about me really upsets me... and I try not to make a big deal about it because I don't want him to be upset with them and pull away more and I realize they are making judgements without knowing me... but it gets very tiring... the first six months they would call all the time to see if he was with me... or to tell him that I was giving his mom heart problems at night!
Any suggestions appreciated... or just words of advice... or just comforting... I'm just stressed out with my own life and feel like the sooner we tackle this the better... if we get married and they're like this... I don't know if I want to marry into something like that... I feel it will come down to we leave this negativity out of our life by leaving them or we can't be together. My boyfriend and I have gone through a lot to be together... stuff we've put ourselves through... and my friends who didn't know him at all trying to keep us apart... and then later his friends wanting to keep us apart- because they all needed to be single so they could fuck around together.
Sorry this is entirely too long.... even if no one responds... just getting it out somewhere and knowing it might get looked at some time takes a little off my chest. Thanks guys <3