boyfriend problems =(

[laceymeow]

i'm not usually one to post my troubles on message boards, but i don't know what to do right now.
my bf is 35 and he has this obsession with "barely legal" porn. it upsets me not so much because it's porn, but because he is into looking at young girls. i'm not even that old (i'm 25) and it makes me feel bad.
he thinks i am wrong for being upset but i hope some of you ladies understand why i find this to be a bother. most of the girls he downloads videos of don't even look like they're 18, maybe 16-17. i'm sure they're legal but the point is that he's intentionally seeking out the youngest looking girls.
in the past we argued a lot about porn related problems. when we lived together, he would ignore me a lot (and not have sex with me) then when i was sleeping or away, he'd do the porn thing. it made me feel bad then too since i wanted sex and everything but he would rather um do it himself.
whenever i try to talk to him about it, he says he isn't doing anything wrong. i don't know what to do....

 

[kaliraksha]

Are you at all interested in porn? Maybe you could find something suitable for both of you... it might spice up your sex life and if it became more of a WE do this kind of thing... it might replace his need of doing it by himself. You might also try seducing him, get a little lingerie... play a different role... he might see you as too sweet and he may want something a little kinkier (however... in this situation I would not be completely happy about being the one that had to try to get his attention)...

The young girl thing... my boyfriend is around the same age of "barely legal" (20's)... but he would marvel at how young girls got into porn... and we had a talk one night about it... nothing heated or holier than you-ish.. but I told him my sentiments about it which was that I could not enjoy that kind of porn because sometimes I felt like girls of that age were doing it desparately for money or beacuse they were lost.

My boyfriend's weekness in porn was lesbians (who would have guessed) fortunately for me he practically stopped whenever we started dating.. but once in a while we watch a little porn... we have a projector.. so one night we got drunk and watched giant sized porn... it was funny =) Maybe if you make it into another activitiy in a different setting.. it will lose that kind of taboo appeal for him. Some guys like the feeling they get of doing something in secret... especially if he was ever an overprotected child or had strict parents.

I've never actually watched it.. but have always admired Andrew Blake films because they look so dark and beautiful... plus they have the prettiest girls =) http://www.andrewblake.com/ (Not work/school safe!!)


---
Beyond all of this though, if it makes you uncomfortable.... you should really seriously talk to him (which I'm sure you have) but more importantly he is leaving you sexually unsatisfied.... hell... buy a vibrator and use it in private and see if he likes it! You may need to let him know he isn't meeting your needs and I'm sure there are plenty of guys that would love to! Best of luck =)

 

[IslandGirl77]

He's 35, maybe he's having a midlife crisis? I thought men go through something like that at that age. Not sure. But, I think that would bother me. I mean, not having sex with you and flying solo. That wouldn't be cool with me. I probably would start thinking something was wrong with me. And 25 isn't that old at all. I mean, all you can really do is just tell him how you feel. Either he's going to take your feelings into consideration or he's not. Sometimes men can be so stubborn. Maybe you should do like kalirashka said and find something you all can watch together. I don't think your wrong for feeling that way.

 

[chako012]

Call me prude or whatever but guys into porn for me is a nono, whatever it may be. ITs taking the time away fom you and if his turned on by something else other then you that's jut not nice. I can't beleive porn has gotten to the stage that it considered "socially acceptiable" or a "guys thing" or whatever...its just...disrespectful both for the gf and the girls being looked at for money.ew...

Us girls should find decent guys that respect girls and will not objectify them in any way wotsover and we should pressure guys to act that way cause if we just accept it then they will just do it anyways.

Rant over...

 

[kaliraksha]

When I first met my boyfriend... he was really really sheltered... no girl contact at all before... very few friends that were girls... plus strict parents... and a gigantic server sized computer ==== King of Porn!

He wasn't like gross about it... but he was too comfortable talking about it and had too much of it in my opinion. When we started dating I let him know I was uncomfortable with it because I wanted the guy I was with to be satisfied with me... and he was ok with that... he said he didn't need it anymore anyway...

We only started watching porn (like maybe.... 2 times a year) because I was interested... every blue moon we drive to the 24hour adult store megaplex and browse and make fun of the warehouse amount of porn... you have to admit some of it is hilarious.... I think it's a little natural to want to know how others have sex... and sometimes it does give me good ideas... I don't deprive him of it or anything and I don't feel like he's hiding anything from me in return... it started out with the really cheesey stuff that you can get at Blockbuster... about a human hottie abducted by a different planet to teach them about passion, love and the human body ....

in turn, I think I managed to turn it into something completely different for him... more about entertainment... and when it is about being turned on... it's more along the lines of what we like.

slightly off topic.... sorry... laceymeow, I think you have every right to be upset and expect some changes or at least deep rooted explanations.

 

[kimmy]

i don't blame you for feeling that way at all. i think that's completely normal...cause when they're looking at other women and not paying enough attention to you, it's natural for a lady to think something might be wrong with her.

but there's nothing wrong with you. you're beautiful and from what i've read, you seem like a pretty damn fabulous chick! so first point, there's nothing wrong with you

second issue: tell him how you feel. and like feather said, he'll take it and work with it, or he won't. if he does, great. if not, maybe you should think about moving on because you deserve someone who cares how you feel and is willing to make some sacrifices (even if it's sacrificing porn, i know for most men that's the end of the world hahaha) for you!

best of luck sweetie *hugs*

 

[joytheobscure]

I'd say he needs to quit looking online for it first and you need to "take control" or at least educate him as to how potentially dangerous and stupid it is to look for barely legal porn online... I mean at least if he can find something at video stores etc... yeah I think it would bother me, I have had problems with my husband when he was in his mid 20s looking at Porn behind my back and that pissed me off!! Looking at it with me- or me expressing interest in looking at it - has actually made him STOP pretty much looking at porn because I mock it horribly - LOL or at least I haven't busted him in a while.

I'd have issues with young girls though especially if your b/f is 35 maybe its something to do with feeling older -- but if you are 25 then he should be happy-- tell him if he doesnt' knock it off you leave him and find someone who will respect you.

 

[Georgiecat]

May I point out that even a 16-17 year old looking girl still looks young enough to be his daughter? The fact that he seeks out girls who look that young is troubling. If he makes you feel bad about yourself, are you really ok with that? What about if you would become more serious than just boyfriend/girlfriend? If you were your own parent would you want this man for yourself?

 

[luminious]

My boyfriend doesn't even like porn so I'm lucky in that way. I don't like it either, but I agree with what Georgiecat said.. they could be his kids age so you need to talk to him about it. Since it bothers you he should be willing to give it up or at least cut down. He could always find something better to do.

 

[Wattage]

If the girls are 16 or 17, that is illegal porn. 18 is legal age to appear in a pornographic video. As long as it's legal, I don't see anything wrong with it. Lots of men and women have fantasies that involve younger men and/or women - it's very common, hence the market out there for this type of stuff.

If you yourself have an issue with it, you need to discuss it with him. It's OK to not feel good about it, and you need to realize that. If he receives it negatively, then it's his issue and you have to let it go. You tried to rectify the problem by laying it out on the table.

My concern is when men or women become pre-occupied with porn to the point where it has an impact on other things in their lives, such as work and their sexual relationship with their spouse. Pornopgraphy should be a healthy addition to a sexual relationship, not a hindrance. It is your responsibility to express your concerns to him and it is his responsibility to take them seriously. If he really likes these videos and you do not, perhaps he can enjoy them on his own time, when it is not affecting your sex life or the way you feel about yourself. Punishing you for not liking these videos by refusing to have sexual contact is immature and selfish. That type of behaviour is ridiculous.

Everyone has their own views on porn, respective to the way they were raised or past experiences. It is both partners' responsibility to respect that and address their sexual needs in a way that is beneficial to both parties involved. If he cannot enjoy porn in a healthy, legal way that doesn't hurt you, that's a problem. If he can but you still don't approve - that too is a problem. There is nothing wrong with you for feeling that way, but an examination of your personal values and morals will help guide you to make the best decision for yourself.

Hang in there