Excuse you? Find your OWN man!

[dxgirly]

So today my boyfriend of almost 5 years (well finacee really, I just hate the word) came to me and confessed that one of our mutual friends was hitting on him. He came to me, because we had a problem like this before, and he didn't tell me about it because he didn't want to make me mad and then I ended up snooping and finding the messages on facebook, and it was blown way out of proportion and I accused him of cheating, and needless to say he came with me to quite a few of my therapy sessions to help us work through it. (I firmly believe now that it was just flirting, nothing more).

Anyways, this girl today was MY friend first. She knew me months and months before she ever said a word to my boyfriend. I've known her for almost 2 years now. I really honestly trusted her. She was talking to my boyfriend, and he's a super sweet, overly nice and friendly person. Very extroverted. We're having a party at the end of the month and he invited her. Then he offered to pick her up and bring her to our house if she needed a ride. And APPARENTLY she thought this was code for "I want to bone you" and she starts hitting on him and calling him sexy and crap.


He showed me the text conversation, and he immediately asked her if she was hitting on him. She said yes. He said, have you forgotten about Nikki? She said "So what?" like I don't matter at all. He then told her she was sadly mistaken for thinking he was interested and told her to delete me and him from her facebook and not to text ever again.

Well this happened last night. And this morning on facebook we were still friends. Needless to say, I deleted and blocked her. She wasn't even a friend in real life yet, I had only met the girl through facebook, so I don't have anything to cut off in the "real world".

The original girl that something similar happened with in the summer of '09 I'm actually now friends with..... but we have a very love hate relationship, and I still find it very hard to trust her, especially when she doesn't have a steady boyfriend.


My question is, has anyone else dealt with this before? Why do girls do this? Shouldn't you respect someone enough as a friend to NOT go after their significant other?



Sigggh. I'm just so frustrated with other girls at this point. I am glad though, that my boyfriend told me this time, because it shows how much our relationship has grown and we didn't almost break up like we did last time. I'm actually not mad at him at all. I'm very proud of him.

 

[JennsJewelz]

Ugh, I did have something like this happen to me with my ex and a good friend (who was also his housemate), but he was cheating on me. I had every right to be getting upset, but he convinced me it was nothing - but when the truth came out, he couldn't deny it. I'm so glad to be out of that unhealthy relationship and with a man who loves me a treats me right, who wants to marry me and have my children, but you are definitely in the right to be upset at this so-called "friend" of yours. Sounds like you're doing the right thing to me - you definitely don't need manipulative, selfish people like that in your life!!

 

[jenii]

You're doing the right thing by cutting off someone who hits on you or your boyfriend. If a person has no concept of boundaries, or just doesn't care if they cross the line, there's no point in keeping them around. It isn't likely to get better, even if the person does get a boyfriend/girlfriend of their own. If they're that comfortable flirting with someone who is taken, they're probably just as comfortable doing it while they themselves are in a relationship.


Trust your boyfriend, but tell him that he needs to set boundaries. These things might be happening because a girl makes a flirtatious comment, and he lets it go, or thinks it's a joke and does it back. Setting boundaries long after the line's been crossed isn't going to do much good, he has to make it clear early on what he will and will not put up with. It isn't up to our partner to make sure other people don't make a pass at us; that's our responsibility.

 

[Nicala]

Have you or your bf ever met the girl in person before? I'm assuming no since you said this ' She wasn't even a friend in real life yet, I had only met the girl through facebook, so I don't have anything to cut off in the "real world". '

If you guys have never met her, I don't understand why your bf would offer to pick her up and drop her off to go to your party..? Especially since its someone you didn't know in person....

 

[dxgirly]

We've actually met several of our friends online and have really good friendships. Actually Rob and I originally met on myspace. So meeting someone we only know online isn't unusual for us. We've almost grown desensitized to it.

Thank for your advice everyone, I'll really take it to heart

 

[User38]

^^ ditto and agree to all the above comments.

this comes to you from an old hag who has had every kind of emotional catastrophe happen to her.

 

[LMD84]

sadly i actually think this kind of thing happens quite a bit. although it's not just the girls that are at fault! something similar happened to me about 3 years ago before i was going to get married. a good friend of mine had a boyfriend who started to come onto me in a very obvious way. so i told her what was happening and she broke up with him. sadly our friendship was never as close after that. fast forward another year and she starts acting weird around my husband. i thought i was being paranoid so brushed things off. but the more and more we saw of her the most weird things kept happening. like she would buyb a concert ticket for her and my hubby but not me! nick said that he thought she had some feelings for him. i never asked her directly. we just stopped seeing her as much. she still doesnt have a boyfriend and this was like 2 years ago. honestly part of me thinks she only liked my hubby because of what her boyfriend tried to do with me. it was all very messy and a shame.

but back to you!! i think you are right for cutting thsi girl out of your life. and i am pleased that your guy did mention to you asap what was going on. he has obviously learnt his lesson.

 

[Nicala]

We've actually met several of our friends online and have really good friendships. Actually Rob and I originally met on myspace. So meeting someone we only know online isn't unusual for us. We've almost grown desensitized to it.

Thank for your advice everyone, I'll really take it to heart

I understand that but usually when meeting someone online in person (or usually for me) we meet at a public place and what not. I wasn't referring to the whole meeting someone online "you're going to get raped!" aspect of it but it just caught my attention that he'd offer to pick up/drive back someone who you guys haven't met at least once. I just thought that was rather odd. To me anyways.

 

[dxgirly]

I understand that but usually when meeting someone online in person (or usually for me) we meet at a public place and what not. I wasn't referring to the whole meeting someone online "you're going to get raped!" aspect of it but it just caught my attention that he'd offer to pick up/drive back someone who you guys haven't met at least once. I just thought that was rather odd. To me anyways.

hmmmm I suppose if it was all taken seriously it would be weird. But he also mentioned it initally as a joke. He's a very joking and sarcastic person. I think he didn't really expect her to say yes to the offer, to be honest. I've said the same thing to some other online friends before, but if it came right down to it, I don't think I'd actually go to someone's house without knowing them beforehand, and I don't *think* he would either. So it wasn't really out of character for him. If he had actually drove all the way there, yes.

 

[Nicala]

hmmmm I suppose if it was all taken seriously it would be weird. But he also mentioned it initally as a joke. He's a very joking and sarcastic person. I think he didn't really expect her to say yes to the offer, to be honest. I've said the same thing to some other online friends before, but if it came right down to it, I don't think I'd actually go to someone's house without knowing them beforehand, and I don't *think* he would either. So it wasn't really out of character for him. If he had actually drove all the way there, yes.

Ah I see. From my experience, sarcasm only works when the other person speaks it as fluently as I do. Sadly. :/

 

[kabuki_KILLER]

**sigh** Never offer to give people rides (especially solo) unless you fully plan on developing a relation with that person. There is a possibility that they will become a parasite and try to get you to drive them everywhere, and guilt you into helping them when you can't or don't feel up for it. It's also a time when two people are alone and have nothing going on "around" them for a while. I don't know all you guys, but when I am with someone in my car, I shut off the stereo and we talk.

I've never had a boyfriend for the longest time, but I do agree that it's not always the girl's fault. I've had guys that have been in relationships hit on me...a lot, my not even being aware that there was a girlfriend. I seldom respond to weird comments, but I often get heat from the girlfriend for being the receiver of the so called carnal affection. This one time, I asked a guy friend of mine for a ride from the airport in exchange, I'd buy him brunch. He agreed and made a sex joke comment in response somehow along the lines of him not understanding what kind of "ride" I was asking for (but he agreed to help me). He had a girlfriend that I didn't know about at the time (we all know she only likes him because he looks like a famous jpop star) that basically saw his response to me and went ballistic on me (what did I do? T_T) before he told her off and broke up with her. I never even responded to his bad joke. At least, that's the story told from the perspective of "the other woman."

It may not sound fair, but unless you're married and there are legalities involved, whoever is the person with the two suitors is the person that gets to choose and has to make the decision. But if I were the guy, I would seriously question the loyalties and values of someone that would stick a knife in her friend's back. Kind of makes one uneasy.

 

[Cydonian]

Some people are of the opinion that if they're single and the other person is in a relationship, they aren't the ones cheating. Nearly everyone has been sort of guilty of it at some point -- but if your boyfriend wasn't giving her cues to hit on him, definitely don't be mad at him. Some people also seem to not get the hint when the other person isn't interested. It happens -- I caught a girl staring at my husband at a party one time... I mean STARING. Hard. It took a simple glare and a flash of the wedding ring for her to get the hint, yet she still followed him around until he told her to go away.

I would just shrug it off, have some confidence that you've obviously found a good man, and remind yourself that he's obviously attractive and you hooked a good one ;-)

 

[katred]

I hate it when this kind of thing happens. One of my bf's (also my fiance, but I also find it weird to call him that) friends pulled something like that with us a few months ago. She was the only one of any of our friends who wasn't happy when we got together. Most people were, as friends will be, happy we'd each found someone and fallen in love. She said nothing, then sent him a nasty text message saying that she was fed up that he hadn't been making more time for her since he got in a relationship. More recently, she sent him a bunch of pictures of herself in her underwear, asking him to pick which one was the sexiest. And I understand it isn't the first time she's done something like this.

Hm, I meant to be comforting, but it occurs to me that it looks like I'm saying "yeah, this sh*t happens no matter what age you are", which is depressing.

The fact that he told you about it shows that he's dedicated to you and that he saw her behaviour was inappropriate. Take heart in that, at least.

As for her, you're absolutely right to have cut her off the way you did. You made it clear what she'd done and then got her out of your life. My experience with people who behave like that is that they have a general disrespect for the feelings and relationships of others. It's the sort of toxic personality you don't need around you.

 

[hello_my_apple]

Well no blood lost since you didnt know her! but then again you shouldnt be surprised because you actually DIDNT KNOW her.

 

[LMD84]

I hate it when this kind of thing happens. One of my bf's (also my fiance, but I also find it weird to call him that) friends pulled something like that with us a few months ago. She was the only one of any of our friends who wasn't happy when we got together. Most people were, as friends will be, happy we'd each found someone and fallen in love. She said nothing, then sent him a nasty text message saying that she was fed up that he hadn't been making more time for her since he got in a relationship. More recently, she sent him a bunch of pictures of herself in her underwear, asking him to pick which one was the sexiest. And I understand it isn't the first time she's done something like this.

Hm, I meant to be comforting, but it occurs to me that it looks like I'm saying "yeah, this sh*t happens no matter what age you are", which is depressing.

The fact that he told you about it shows that he's dedicated to you and that he saw her behaviour was inappropriate. Take heart in that, at least.

As for her, you're absolutely right to have cut her off the way you did. You made it clear what she'd done and then got her out of your life. My experience with people who behave like that is that they have a general disrespect for the feelings and relationships of others. It's the sort of toxic personality you don't need around you.

do some people have no shame?! that's not on at all!

 

[User38]

that's horrible.. but then, really, sending naked pics what would you expect?

if I sent naked pics of me, I would blow up the internet

 

[LMD84]

that's horrible.. but then, really, sending naked pics what would you expect?

if I sent naked pics of me, I would blow up the internet

well i dread to think what would happen if naked pictures of me went on the internet! i think people would cancel their internet contracts! lol!

 

[User38]

 

[Prettypackages]

I agree with what everyone has said. I skimmed some of the post so I'm not sure if this has been mentioned. I wonder if she feels that you guys are just "online" friends, that you are not "real" friends and could do what she wants since she felt she had no real loyalty to you. I know it doesn't make it better, I was just trying to get inside her head to figure out why she would come on to him like that. In the last few years I've had so many married men come on to me, one couple I think they cheat on each other all the time based on what I've heard, but regardless, I don't cheat. It's frustrating on either side of the coin, especially when you are supposed to be cool with people.

 

[User38]

pass.. online can be IRL in a nanosecond.