2.5 years down the drain? I need advice ASAP :(
- Thread starter blackeneddove
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Shadowy Lady
Well-known member
Hey Chelsea, other girls already gave you great advice and I agree with most of them. I just wanted to add, right now 2.5 years might sound like a long time. But how old are you? 18? in 10 years, this won't even sound like a long time. I have been with my now husband for 7 years now, and sometimes I have a very hard time even remembering the face of my first SO, lol! This just to say in the grand scheme of things, your life and where you will go, 2.5 years is not that long.
Don't waste your youth and positive energy on someone who doesn't deserve your love and respect (that's what it looks like from the outside). Keep your head up, definitely spend some time completely apart and then make the best decision thinking with your head and not your heart. Honestly someone gave me this advice once and it's the best advice I've ever received.
Best of luck, I know it isn't easy but you need to take action for yourself before you're deeper involved
Don't waste your youth and positive energy on someone who doesn't deserve your love and respect (that's what it looks like from the outside). Keep your head up, definitely spend some time completely apart and then make the best decision thinking with your head and not your heart. Honestly someone gave me this advice once and it's the best advice I've ever received.
Best of luck, I know it isn't easy but you need to take action for yourself before you're deeper involved
iadoremac
Well-known member
So sorry about your situation. The common factor in all of this is the drinking. Why did he start drinking? I think if you find the answer to that question i think it will help alot. In the mean time i think you should stay away from him bc he doesnt respect you and needs to sort things out himself.
P.S your 2.5yrs isnt wasted its an experience that will help you or someone else in the future.
Stay Strong
P.S your 2.5yrs isnt wasted its an experience that will help you or someone else in the future.
Stay Strong
BeccalovesMAC
Well-known member
hey momma. Guys do dumb stuff. The best advice I can give you is not to blame yourself. 2.5 is a long time. If you are serious about taking a break, it will be hard. You sound like a smart girl and you have to trust your gut. I personally would have kicked that bitches ass. I cant stand hoes that act like that. Drunk or not. They should have respected you to some degree and not act like fucken morons. You are in my prayers. Keep your head up beautiful.
kaliraksha
Well-known member
Everyone above has given you good advice. But, I also wanted to mention that this might actually be a blessing in disguise... I had a friend whose boyfriend started being mean to her only when he was drunk and over the months that led to emotional, verbal and then physical abuse when he was drunk.
The way I see it is that you guys want different things right now and if he's not willing to put in the effort then take a break. From my own life experience I can earnestly say concentrate on yourself, seriously. Even if you guys do end up back together you will be much happier having spent the time on yourself. When I broke up with my SO I spent so much time obsessing about him and thinking of what could happen for us to make it work.... we ended up together eventually anyway, but because he wanted to - not because of anything I did or said and I don't think there was anything I could have done or said to change our situation... he had to change. When I look back at the time I wish I had taken the time off to make myself happy.
Hope you feel a better with everyday that passes. I hate breakups... but they are honestly 100% sometimes for the best.
The way I see it is that you guys want different things right now and if he's not willing to put in the effort then take a break. From my own life experience I can earnestly say concentrate on yourself, seriously. Even if you guys do end up back together you will be much happier having spent the time on yourself. When I broke up with my SO I spent so much time obsessing about him and thinking of what could happen for us to make it work.... we ended up together eventually anyway, but because he wanted to - not because of anything I did or said and I don't think there was anything I could have done or said to change our situation... he had to change. When I look back at the time I wish I had taken the time off to make myself happy.
Hope you feel a better with everyday that passes. I hate breakups... but they are honestly 100% sometimes for the best.
ImMACnificent
Well-known member
I agree that you do not need to be putting much effort into this relationship. Not only because he is obviously being sketchy and doing things that 98% of the population would not put up with in a committed relationship, but mainly because this guy obviously has a problem with alcohol.
No matter how "great" things are in your relationship, nothing except HIMSELF is going to help him to change his drinking patterns. He has a lot to figure out, is he someone that can control his drinking? Does he need to stop drinking completely? Does he need AA (probably)? Does he even WANT AA or does he WANT to make positive changes? You are relatively young so I am assuming he is, too. I can tell you that with him being young(er?) he is most likely going to struggle a lot with trying to cut down or even stop a substance that is so easily accessible and legal. This is something he is going to have to figure out on his own, without anyone else telling him what he should or shouldn't do, although he definitely needs support...but probably more from friends and family because you have suffered too many of HIS consequences of his drinking and poor choices. You should not have to suffer anymore. Maybe down the road if he changes for the better and you are willing to give him a second chance, things MIGHT work out. But that is a long road. I really hope for his and your sake you guys take (a lot) time apart and re-evaluate the relationship and where your boundaries lie.
No matter how "great" things are in your relationship, nothing except HIMSELF is going to help him to change his drinking patterns. He has a lot to figure out, is he someone that can control his drinking? Does he need to stop drinking completely? Does he need AA (probably)? Does he even WANT AA or does he WANT to make positive changes? You are relatively young so I am assuming he is, too. I can tell you that with him being young(er?) he is most likely going to struggle a lot with trying to cut down or even stop a substance that is so easily accessible and legal. This is something he is going to have to figure out on his own, without anyone else telling him what he should or shouldn't do, although he definitely needs support...but probably more from friends and family because you have suffered too many of HIS consequences of his drinking and poor choices. You should not have to suffer anymore. Maybe down the road if he changes for the better and you are willing to give him a second chance, things MIGHT work out. But that is a long road. I really hope for his and your sake you guys take (a lot) time apart and re-evaluate the relationship and where your boundaries lie.
L1LMAMAJ
Well-known member
first off, let me give u an e-hug.
it's true their stories may not match up and you have the right to be suspicious. you have reason to be because of how ur bf and that girl acted around each other at the first party. i think it's best if both of u take a break from each other just so both of you can think things through. not to sound like a pessimist but i had a similar thing happen with my ex. he joined a frat in college and was partying non stop. he would talk to girls etc but i trusted him and never thought he'd do anything to hurt me. then i found out that he cheated on me with a sorority girl. it hurt me so bad. i went back with him cuz i was stupid and still loved him. i'm sorry this is happening to you.
it's really tough, i know.
i think AA would be good for him. he has said he'll stop drinking but he hasn't so AA might be helpful for him. he's using alcohol as an excuse for flirting and talking with the girl. who knows what he might do at the next party, right? don't mean to frighten you. just don't want u to be hurt more. good luck and keep us posted.
it's true their stories may not match up and you have the right to be suspicious. you have reason to be because of how ur bf and that girl acted around each other at the first party. i think it's best if both of u take a break from each other just so both of you can think things through. not to sound like a pessimist but i had a similar thing happen with my ex. he joined a frat in college and was partying non stop. he would talk to girls etc but i trusted him and never thought he'd do anything to hurt me. then i found out that he cheated on me with a sorority girl. it hurt me so bad. i went back with him cuz i was stupid and still loved him. i'm sorry this is happening to you.
i think AA would be good for him. he has said he'll stop drinking but he hasn't so AA might be helpful for him. he's using alcohol as an excuse for flirting and talking with the girl. who knows what he might do at the next party, right? don't mean to frighten you. just don't want u to be hurt more. good luck and keep us posted.
DigitalRain
Well-known member
Give him his walking papers. Don't do like me, I wasted 11 years of my life in a relationship that went absolutely nowhere. If he decides to straighten up watch him for a while to see if he's really legit. But watch from a distance.
ShockBunnie
Well-known member
If he truly cares, he'll take initiative to go to AA himself rather than merely making the suggestion to you. You can't control his decisions, but he doesn't have to be a physicist to figure it out.
Ugh, stupid boys... WALK THE WALK!
Even if he DID go to AA, could you be happy knowing you can't go out for a nice champagne dinner/celebratory drink/party/etc? I know some people could be perfectly fine with that... but others would worry about becoming his mother or a nag. That's not your role... You're a hot foxy senorita who deserves someone who can control himself like you can. Enjoy the single life for a bit, I say
Ugh, stupid boys... WALK THE WALK!
Even if he DID go to AA, could you be happy knowing you can't go out for a nice champagne dinner/celebratory drink/party/etc? I know some people could be perfectly fine with that... but others would worry about becoming his mother or a nag. That's not your role... You're a hot foxy senorita who deserves someone who can control himself like you can. Enjoy the single life for a bit, I say
ImMACnificent
Well-known member
Quote:
I agree completely.
Also, could that bunny in your avatar be ANY cuter?! OMG I want it
Originally Posted by ShockBunnie
If he truly cares, he'll take initiative to go to AA himself rather than merely making the suggestion to you. You can't control his decisions, but he doesn't have to be a physicist to figure it out. Ugh, stupid boys... WALK THE WALK! Even if he DID go to AA, could you be happy knowing you can't go out for a nice champagne dinner/celebratory drink/party/etc? I know some people could be perfectly fine with that... but others would worry about becoming his mother or a nag. That's not your role... You're a hot foxy senorita who deserves someone who can control himself like you can. Enjoy the single life for a bit, I say
|
I agree completely.
Also, could that bunny in your avatar be ANY cuter?! OMG I want it
blackeneddove
Well-known member
Quote:
That is something I didn't think about.. if he does stop drinking being in social situations would be hard because it's so available and most likely will be around.. good point! And I already do feel like I'm his mom nagging him all the time when I really have good intentions, thanks for bringing this up.
Kaliraksha, I actually have not thought about it as a blessing in disguise.. I've been too down to think of it that way but thanks for bringing that up as well.. I like to think everything happens for a reason but in situations like this it's hard to think that way.
A small update, we both attended the same Halloween party this weekend, we chatted for a few minutes, friendly stuff, but other than that just hung out with our own friends. I haven't seen him since but he's texted me a few times, like "how are you" etc and I've sent a polite answer back, no talking on the phone or anything though. I've been keeping myself busy job hunting and having me-time and things are going pretty okay. He says he misses me and that's a good thing. The same girl tried to get him to come over to her house when her bf wasn't there and he said no, also good. I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing and told him to get ahold of me when he respects a little more and has worked on his problems. He was wayyy more upset than I thought he would be so hopefully there will be a positive outcome!
I'd like to say thanks to every one of you for replying and giving me your advice! It's helped me alot during my hard time, so.. THANK YOU! <3
| Originally Posted by ShockBunnie
If he truly cares, he'll take initiative to go to AA himself rather than merely making the suggestion to you. You can't control his decisions, but he doesn't have to be a physicist to figure it out. Ugh, stupid boys... WALK THE WALK! Even if he DID go to AA, could you be happy knowing you can't go out for a nice champagne dinner/celebratory drink/party/etc? I know some people could be perfectly fine with that... but others would worry about becoming his mother or a nag. That's not your role... You're a hot foxy senorita who deserves someone who can control himself like you can. Enjoy the single life for a bit, I say
|
That is something I didn't think about.. if he does stop drinking being in social situations would be hard because it's so available and most likely will be around.. good point! And I already do feel like I'm his mom nagging him all the time when I really have good intentions, thanks for bringing this up.
Kaliraksha, I actually have not thought about it as a blessing in disguise.. I've been too down to think of it that way but thanks for bringing that up as well.. I like to think everything happens for a reason but in situations like this it's hard to think that way.
A small update, we both attended the same Halloween party this weekend, we chatted for a few minutes, friendly stuff, but other than that just hung out with our own friends. I haven't seen him since but he's texted me a few times, like "how are you" etc and I've sent a polite answer back, no talking on the phone or anything though. I've been keeping myself busy job hunting and having me-time and things are going pretty okay. He says he misses me and that's a good thing. The same girl tried to get him to come over to her house when her bf wasn't there and he said no, also good. I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing and told him to get ahold of me when he respects a little more and has worked on his problems. He was wayyy more upset than I thought he would be so hopefully there will be a positive outcome!
I'd like to say thanks to every one of you for replying and giving me your advice! It's helped me alot during my hard time, so.. THANK YOU! <3
MaskedBeauty
Well-known member
Glad to hear that so far everything is going ok. Thats good. just stay keeping busy. that sounds kinda confusing but you know what i mean. lol. stay strong!
Camnagem
Well-known member
You've gotten some great advice here already, but I'd just like to add a few things.
First, you said in your post that the trust is gone...that's huge. He's broken something invaluable to your relationship and mending that should be a long and difficult road for him. The next time he comes back promising to be different (and he probably will, soon), make sure he knows this. If he really wants to work things out with you, he'll accept the challenge and work to get you back. You're worth it! If not...at least you'll know where you stand and perhaps moving on will be a bit easier.
Second, some of his behavior changes are quite common of addicts and that worries me a bit for you. I don't think AA would be a bad move on his part, at all. If he ends up going to meetings however, he needs to be there for himself and not for you. Good intentions on changing for someone else only get you so far, he has to actually want the change for himself or he'll fall back into old habits eventually. I don't know him so I could be off base here, but his actions are a huge red flag for me.
You're obviously hurting from this and I wish you all the best. Love is so painful when it's taken for granted. Hang in there, and let us know how you're doing.
First, you said in your post that the trust is gone...that's huge. He's broken something invaluable to your relationship and mending that should be a long and difficult road for him. The next time he comes back promising to be different (and he probably will, soon), make sure he knows this. If he really wants to work things out with you, he'll accept the challenge and work to get you back. You're worth it! If not...at least you'll know where you stand and perhaps moving on will be a bit easier.
Second, some of his behavior changes are quite common of addicts and that worries me a bit for you. I don't think AA would be a bad move on his part, at all. If he ends up going to meetings however, he needs to be there for himself and not for you. Good intentions on changing for someone else only get you so far, he has to actually want the change for himself or he'll fall back into old habits eventually. I don't know him so I could be off base here, but his actions are a huge red flag for me.
You're obviously hurting from this and I wish you all the best. Love is so painful when it's taken for granted. Hang in there, and let us know how you're doing.
kimmy
Well-known member
it's a shitty situation, no doubt. but i gotta say, getting involved in her problems with her boyfriend is a bad idea. their problems are none of your business, to be honest. if he was a close friend of yours then i'd say, go ahead and tell him. but it doesn't appear that he is, so i'd stay out of that.
someone here said that there's probably an underlying problem that is surfacing because of his drinking. i agree that there probably is one because i can have an entire bar full of martinis and still not tear down or hurt my boyfriend. you're in school, right? there may be a jealousy issue. alot of men are secretly jealous when their women are succeeding, but very few will voice it without being under the influence of something. he may be afraid that you won't think he's good enough for you...the possibilities are endless as to what the underlying problem might be.
i think, though, since you've already given him a chance and you're worried that he isn't being faithful; it isn't worth finding out. it's good that he denied her this time...but you said yourself the trust is gone. is it really that easy to regain trust? to deny something once when you have accepted it several times before? some things are better left unsaid, and some things are better left unknown. seems to me your best bet is to go to him, tell him it's over (and why) and then just cut your losses and move on. there is no excse for him to have done what he's done, period.
it'll be hard because you feel (felt) so strongly about him, but trust me...you will move on and you will find better. stay strong and keep your head up, there's a whole world out there.
someone here said that there's probably an underlying problem that is surfacing because of his drinking. i agree that there probably is one because i can have an entire bar full of martinis and still not tear down or hurt my boyfriend. you're in school, right? there may be a jealousy issue. alot of men are secretly jealous when their women are succeeding, but very few will voice it without being under the influence of something. he may be afraid that you won't think he's good enough for you...the possibilities are endless as to what the underlying problem might be.
i think, though, since you've already given him a chance and you're worried that he isn't being faithful; it isn't worth finding out. it's good that he denied her this time...but you said yourself the trust is gone. is it really that easy to regain trust? to deny something once when you have accepted it several times before? some things are better left unsaid, and some things are better left unknown. seems to me your best bet is to go to him, tell him it's over (and why) and then just cut your losses and move on. there is no excse for him to have done what he's done, period.
it'll be hard because you feel (felt) so strongly about him, but trust me...you will move on and you will find better. stay strong and keep your head up, there's a whole world out there.
Goat Goat Etc.
Well-known member
Edit-*deletes posted advice* * realizes thread is old*
blackeneddove
Well-known member
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vintageroses
Well-known member
awww huns! I was so very upset when i read this threat but now I'm soooooooooo glad it worked out
& you're the lady on his lap now! hugsssssss*
