Advice about how to make living together as painless as possible...

[NutMeg]

Hey everybody! My boyfriend and I are tentatively planning on moving in together next September, or sometime thereafter. This is contingent on his school situation and our financial situation. I want to be aware of possible problems in advance so we can come up with ways to avoid them. Would those of you ladies and gentlemen who are experienced at co-habiting care to share some tips and things to watch out for? Thanks tons!

Meg

 

[VeXedPiNk]

Respect each other's stuff/space and don't sweat the little things.

You'll probably discover an array of habits that you didn't know eachother had, haha. But that makes it all the more fun because you get to learn more about each other. Good luck

 

[mintcollective1]

make sure financial obligations can be met as if you were merely roomates...not that Im a money grubber, but my boyfriend and I live together and he lost his job, so for about 2 months there I was carrying the weight. Its not easy. not that it will happen to you, but you need to be aware of possibilites and be in agreement that you both can care fo eachother if cirucmstance brings it to the table...

 

[user79]

As someone said, be clear about the finances. Draw up a contract (if necessary, this can really protect you in the future if by chance you break up and there are problems) that stipulates exactly what costs are to be shared and how much each person will have to pay (eg. rent, bills, food, etc.) If you are moving into a new apartment together, try to get both names on the lease so you are protected by law if things go sour. I think this part of the living together situation is the most imporant, because it has legal ramifications.


As for the living together part, I would also make up a chores plan (if this is important to you) and figure out who will be doing what in the household so things go smoothly. If you're like me, I don't see why 1 person should get stuck with doing all the chores and cleaning duties. Talk it out and see if you can come to an agreement about what needs to be done in the house, who will be doing what, make a plan and stick to it.


As for the type of place you are moving into, I think it's really important to get a large enough apartment that will allow each person to "get away" from the other person for a while if you need a time out. I lived in a 1 bedroom place with my bf once when we were both making very little money, and we argued all the time. Having a separate room to go to when you just need to be alone for a bit, is essential, at least to me.


There will probably be issues you will fight on, just pick your battles and go for the big issues, and just try not to sweat the small stuff. I'm sure you will figure things out as you go!

 

[purrtykitty]

MissChievious hit the nail on the head. Also, be prepared for the so-called "mystery" to disappear. You two will be getting to know each other on a whole new level...and it is totally different from having a person stay overnight (if you two have done that in the past). Each of you, at some point, will be seeing the other at their worst (be it just having an awful day at work, a family tragedy, or the stomach flu). Be prepared for surprises, even if you think you already know everything there is about each other.

 

[Araylan]

Cleaning up after each other is huge. Also, if he has a brother, please God don't let him move in with you guys 'for a while...until he gets on his feet'. That's a huge problem. Live your lives separately but together. It's easy to take advantage of the fact that you'll see each other every day so just make sure not to forget that you're still a couple and need to spend some quality time together too. Make sure your finances (including groceries) and chores (including yard work, dishes, dusting...) are in order. Also, a big part of living together is your ability to be laid back and patience. Coming home late does not signify an affair which I'm sure you know lol but sometimes people get loco after a while. There are soo many small things couples living together fight about that are completely unnecessary. In other words, choose your battles wisely so the relationship doesn't become stressed. As far as avoiding these problems, like I said, you both need patience. The only thing to do in many cases is work through problems when you arrive at them. I'm sure it will work out fine for you and congratulations/good luck. HTH.

 

[ancilla]

There is some really good advice in this thread! both for specific things and overall general situations. fantastic.

One of specific things we did when I lived with my ex-bf was that we would pin the grocery receipts on the fridge and enter them in to a spreadsheet at the end of the month, then split them. We found this to be easier than trying to split every grocery bill in half as it happened. It was more convenient because, then you only write one check per month, or just take it out of what you owe to the other person for rent/untilities/etc.

But yeah, for the overall general big picture, just respect each other as individuals, don't sweat the small stuff (as was already mentioned, just want to repeat it because it is so important!) and enjoy your companionship!

 

[Beauty Mark]

I haven't lived with an SO yet, but here's what I learned from spending time with friends in living situations.

Make sure to spend time away from each other. It's all right to go out with your girls on the weekends.

Have room for each other's stuff. Make sure he has space in the closet/shelves/etc. as you should too. It's about living together, so really make each other live with the other person and be like a guest.

Discuss everything way in advance. Finances (do you want cable? how much are you willing to pay in rent?), responsibilities with the house, guest policy, etc. It's unromantic and may seem mean, but hey, stuff happens and you're not psychic probably. You can't be certain if he's cool with your mother staying over for weeks at a time or if he knows you like your place immaculate.

 

[Divinity]

Wow! Tons of good advice, ladies. Depending on how long you two have been together, some of these things may not be necessary. I was with my boyfriend for four years before we moved in together and some of this stuff came naturally. We did split everything; he cleaned mostly the second year b/c I was working and in night school; he wanted to grocery shop... Word to the wise, though, DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY. It saves so much stress on both sides. I do like the idea of just writing the one check to the other person as it saves on paper and checks, however, I liked BOTH of our names on the utilities. If something goes wrong or you need to talk to the company about your account, they will only deal with the person on the account.

We really did a lot of communicating and this really is the kicker. Of course spending time away and setting up chore plans and budgets etc is essential, talking to each other about what you want and what you are willing to compromise on is the most important.

 

[redambition]

i found getting a joint bank account set up (in addition to our personal accounts) was invaluable.

as we could tag the deposits we'd made into it - we both knew who was putting how much money in. all the rent and household bills would come out of this account, so neither of us were out of pocket, waiting for the other to pay the money back.

because both our names were on the account we were both responsible for ensuring there was money in it when there needed to be money there - it didn't disadvantage one person with the responsibility of making sure the money is there for direct debits etc.

 

[*Stargazer*]

The most important thing I do every single day is make sure to treat my DH with the same common courtesy that I extend to strangers. You'd be surprised how quickly things can go south when you don't remember to do that.

 

[NutMeg]

Thanks guys. There is some great advice here... Some things I'd thought of and others I hadn't. We've been together for about three years now for those of you who were wondering.

 

[bebs]

away time is fine, perfect and how it should be at times! but if you say you are going to be back by a time time (like I give my self a half an hour lea way when I tell him a time I'll be back) but if I get caught up and I find my self running late or side track.. be nice.. give your SO a call and just say "hey hun, I'm busy.. I'll be back by blah blah blah time" it lets them know you are ok and so that they don't worry

say please and thank you when you would to somebody else that was helping you, if you need a favor ask nice like "it would mean a lot if you could do this for me" (I say something like that if I ask for him to get me gas in the car)

outline what you expect the other to do
ex: I get most house hold chores (laundry, cleaning, dusting)
he gets outside.. taking the trash out (less he is sick or forgets and I see it then I will without a problem) doing the lawn
he helps me fold and hang the laundry as well as vacum the house, we each take two bathrooms to clean during the month. change off other things like unloading the dish washer... try to wash it your self but if you cant oh well whatever, don't take it personally if the other leaves it. I can't tell you how much I have cleaned up his stuff, and I'm sure he could tell you of him cleaning up my stuff

if something is bugging you even if it the other person's chore, don't harp on it just do it your self and ask them to please get it next time! when you are mad, talk things out rationally and if you can't at that moment walk away for a while and talk about it once the emotion is gone. cold shoulder doesn't work well, and yelling doesn't make anything work better.

letting things go is easier then fighting and making up, its a lot less drama and a headache to deal with later. remember each argument has two sides, and try to look at it from his as well.

go to the market once a week and make a list before hand so you aren't having to run there all the time.

make sure you talk about your dreams.. wants, desires and all those things. that you two stay connected. going out together every once and a while, or just lay in bed and talk, it doesn't matter about what just keep in touch. US time and ME time. DONT BE AFRAID TO EXPRESS WHAT YOU WANT, you SO is not a mind reader.

have a space that is yours. my husband has a computer room (office) type thing that he goes into and where I find him a lot of the time. and the garage for hanging out with friends (I don't even pretend to understand this one) I have an the main bedroom as mine most of the time where I have my laptop and other things and where he finds me, as well as the den with all of the books and computers.

oh and remember basic respects .. if the other is sleeping don't music or the tv on to loud ... just the normals and all that.. I'm sure if I sent my DH on here he'd find a few things I' missed but I think thats alot of the main points

just be nice and respectful and understanding

 

[V15U4L_3RR0R]

Communicate! I cannot stress this enough. You have to tell each other what's going on. This will also help you avoid any major shouting matches.

Compromise! You're never always going to get your way so learning to compramise is very improtant too. You don't really know someone until you live with them and learning to compromise and cope with each others habbits will help.

Sharing responsabilities is surprisingly difficult when you move in with someone so you'll both have to work out a system for that whether it be money or housework. Plan ahead and be honest.

But most of all don't forget to have to have and enjoy each other! Sitting on the sofa with him with a beer and a pizza can be just as fun as going out. Even just talking in bed and cuddling after sex can help things glide along smoothly.

That's about it really. There's lots of stuff you'll both work out a long the way and don't worry if it goes a bit crazy or not quite like you expected. Sometimes you have to just hold on to your pants and hope for the best. All in all it is great fun and being able to roll with it no matter what will both make you stronger as a whole and as individuals. Have fun with your adventurneering partner!

Also it's ok to want to have some you time by yourself. If you lived in each others pockets all the time you'd go crazy lol.

My feller has just said this good bit of advice. Don't go to bed angry. If it's really important and it matters then stay up and talk it through until the situation has been resolved.

 

[lethaldesign]

Tons of great stuff here... I'm sure I will reiterate a lot of it, but throwing my 2 cents in anyway

"ME TIME" IS IMPORTANT - Just because you live together does not mean you have to do everything together. Its so important to take your own personal time, just like you did before you lived together. Whether this be going out with your friends, curling up with a book without being bothered, taking a yoga class, whatever. Its very easy to get "caught up" in Couple's Life & want to do everything with your SO. But you need your own time & space. And so does he. With that said...

QUALITY TIME IS IMPORTANT - Still make plans to do special things together. My boyfriend &I had a problem for awhile where we would both just assume that we would do certain things together (i.e. relax after work watching TV, eat dinner, go grocery shopping, etc.) & there is a common misconception that this is actual quality time. Sometimes it can be, but its mostly routine. But it caused us to stop making plans to do anything that was actually FUN or out of routine alone together. This can cause a loss of focus on one another. Now, we make sure to have a weekend "Date Night" for just the two of us at least once or twice a month to reconnect. Plus, we have one night a week reserved to spend time together, whatever we choose to do. It makes a world of difference.

FINANCES - Yep, this is the #1 thing couples fight about. Go into the situation with awareness of each others financial situation &financial goals. Make sure its very clear how much you can afford &be honest about how much money you spend per month (i.e. if you buy tons of MAC makeup like many of us on Specktra

) I personally keep a spreadsheet of my finances & my boyfriends finances - combined & separate. It really helps when we are trying to save to buy something together for our place. It also came in handy when we moved & I was trying to figure out how much we could afford to pay for rent.

R.E.S.P.E.C.T. - This one is huge. Respect each other's time, space, property, opinions, etc. Respect is visible in actions & easily heard in words. Be sure you are showing your partner the kind of respect you expect to receive from them.

COMMUNICATION IS KEY - Miscommunication is a common cause for arguments. Be honest. Be open. If something is bothering you, tell your SO. But be civil. And be understanding. If you don't understand, ASK for a better explanation. Contrary to popular belief, no one can read minds. Its key to keep your SO in the loop by sharing what's on your mind. And vice versa.

COMPROMISE - Relationships are all about compromising. You want to go out for sushi, he wants to stay in & order pizza. You like the yellow towels for the bathroom, he likes the blue. You will have to come together to make plenty of decisions like this - some this miniscule & some quite larger - like having kids or moving to another state. The best thing to do is come to a mutual conclusion. Let go of your stubborness!

DON'T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF - Do you best to prevent yourself from getting angry over the small stuff. Before speaking up about it, ask yourself is it really worth fussing over it? Is it really going to matter tommorow? Chances are, the answer is no. But if it happens to be yes, bring it up to your partner & calmly discuss the issue together, rather than making a big deal of it. If its something little, but repeatedly happening, you should definitely communicate your irritation to your partner & rectify a solution. For example, my boyfriend used to leave receipts & loose change all over our house! On the speakers, the table, the bathroom counter, the bed, IN the bed, etc... it drove me NUTS! Finally, I put a bowl next to wear he usually empties his pockets & asked him nicely if he could please put his receipts & change in the bowl when he undressed. I rarely find loose change or receipts scattered throughout the house anymore.

Anyway, hope this helps you out! And good luck

 

[rainy]

I'm planning on moving in with my boyfriend in May after I graduate. I'm expecting it to be pretty tough on me because I've had it so easy living at home and having things the way I like them... Anyway, we're going to sit down ahead of time and try to share our mutual expectations as much as possible, like bills, cooking, cleaning, redecorating, personal space, tv time and as many of the seemingly silly things that end up causing fights... You can't prepare for everything, but just opening up the communication lines can help a lot. And then I hope we're able to be honest and patient with one another as we're adjusting, because it can be all the little things you didn't notice or that only bothered you a little, and now you have to look at his stupid face every single day... ha ha I'm joking, but you get the idea. Try not to let things get to the breaking point, sometimes he just won't know he's annoying the crap out of you and will be perfectly willing to stop.

So yeah. Be prepared to change yourself (not "who you are" but "how you do some things") and try to be patient and negotiate when he spends his whole day playing computer games and watching tv while the floor is covered in food crumbs and cat hair tumbleweeds...... : )

 

[Enkuli]

I think the key is patience. You must remember that thigs small to you might be huge for the other. Oh boy, it was hard to keep that in mind when my better half wanted to drag this old car bench in to our balcony so that he could sit on it while smoking. He was was going to repair the bench like pimp my car style, but I have not seen any progress after year 2005. yeah...must...have....patience..

Other important is money of cource, but also always being honest about using it.

 

[Holls*]

NEver lie about money! Money causes a LOT of fights, so both of you should be 100% honest about what you make, how much you need personally for the week/month and how much you spend.