euphrosyne_rose
Well-known member
A while back I posted a topic about some issues I was having with the b/f. To recap, we've been together little over a year, we do love each other very much and have talked about getting married. Long story short, he has such bad luck it borders on unbelievable. In the past 6 months he's had such terrible issues and it's affected him more than usual b/c he has depression and takes meds for it.
1. He has student loans and defaulted on them a while back due to an illness where he was unable to work and couldn't pay his monthly payment-- they take out $800/month from his check
2. The house he lives in actually belongs to the aunt of his best friend so he pays no rent but she has decided to develop the land the house sits on so he has to move out before the end of the year... can't afford to pay rent b/c of above so he's been freaking out about that
3. His grandmother has been in and out of the hospital the past 2 months and is not doing well at all. Right now she's in the middle of a bad infection, liver and kidney failure and just suffered cardiac arrest a few days ago. She's stable but still not doing well and they are not hopeful she will live much longer.
4. His beloved dog was bitten by a poisonous snake and almost died. He had to rush her to the emergency vet, hence more bills he can't afford. The dog is ok now.
5. He just found out he has glaucoma so that again is even more bills b/c of the eye drops and continuous doctor visits. He's a teacher so his salary is not much and his insurance is one of those where he has to reach his deductible before the insurance kicks in. Whew. Oh, and he hates his job.
So, the problem is this:
His parents live in North Carolina and they love me and I really like them. They are great people. They have offered to let us live with them in NC until he is on his feet and able to catch up. I have tried every suggestion I can think of to get his student loan payment reduced but EVERY suggestion me, my family or his family comes up with gets brushed off b/c he swears there is nothing he can do, that the student loan board are all jerks and they will get their money no matter what. He says he can't claim hardship b/c they told him it would be near impossible b/c he doesn't have a terminal illness, isn't a minority and isn't on welfare.
They told him that if they were able to take $500 more a month ON TOP of what they take now and he paid that for about a year, they would be willing to drop the monthly payment more than half. His parents suggested he move in with them, find a better job and then since he'd have almost no bills, he could catch up for that year and then hopefully find a place of his own and we could get married. He doesn't want to get married until he's "financially" stable and I see his point, but at the same time I don't feel like most people are "financially" stable these days and it's not likely to happen as quickly as he thinks.
I live with my dad b/c I can't afford to live by myself either right now. I don't pay rent but I do pay all my other bills and help my dad with groceries and such. My parents just went through a divorce after almost 25 years of marriage (my mom left my dad and was remarried less than a month after the divorce was final. She got married last month...) so my dad is still getting over that and he likes having me and my sister around b/c he has no other family.
My b/f expects that I should just have no problems with up and moving 1200 miles away. I really DO NOT want to move. It really has nothing to do with him, his family, or even NC, but I FINALLY after the past few years have gotten to a point where I am comfortable. I am getting over my parents divorce, love my job, and I'm happy where I live. After trying to find other solutions to moving, like him finding a better job here, he just doesn't think he can get a job here with his qualifications. The best solution for him is to move in with his parents until he gets caught up. He acts like there is no other choice but for me to go as well. His parents are fine with me being there, but part of the reason I don't want to go is my dad. He decided to keep this house after the divorce and part of the reason was b/c my sister and I were here. He's still not himself, and I know he's a big boy, but I really just don't think the timing is good.
A few weeks ago I finally agreed to move with the b/f and we were going to tell everyone I was moving after his parents found a house (they live in an apartment for now) and we had more details to give my family. Well, his parents are having a hard time finding a house and I've only been at my job for a year. It's a great job and the first job I've loved. I don't dread going to work like some of my friends or my b/f. I have benefits, great vacation and they all love me there. I really hate to leave there after I told them a while back that I planned on staying a long, long time.
My b/f and his parents have been asking me and asking me when I was going to talk to my dad about moving and I've been putting it off. My dad is the kind of person who likes to know dates and times and specific details and I haven't had that to give him. I don't know when we would be moving or exactly where in NC we'd me moving to, etc. and so I haven't told him b/c of that but also b/c I'm afraid of his reaction.
Tonight at dinner my dad was asking me what my b/f was going to do about his finances b/c he knows about the troubles he's been having. I finally went ahead and told Dad that he was going to move to NC with his parents and he wanted me to go. Before I could even say anything else about it, my dad said he didn't think it was a good idea and before we could talk about it more, the phone rang for my dad and then he went to bed so I KNOW he doesn't like the idea and it's just made me realize even more how I DON'T WANT to move. I really do love my b/f but I don't want to wait forever to be able to get married and have kids, etc. I am not sure I'll be able to find a job or how I'll pay my bills and he's not either. I just don't know if I love him enough to totally rearrange my life and move that far away. I lived away from home once and I absolutely hated it. That's why I moved back.
If anyone out there could give me their opinion about how I shoudl handle this, I would really appreciate this. I really need to let my b/f know that my dad doesn't approve, and while I'm an adult and all, my family's approval is really important. My best friends thinks my b/f should go ahead and move once his family finds a house and get himself settled with a job and the once things have smoothed out, then maybe I can go up there and search for a job. I think she's right. Sometimes I think it would be great to go and start new and live somewhere else, but most of the time I just don't want to and I think that's how I really feel if I'm honest.
The other night my b/f was asking me again if I had talked to my dad and when I told him no, he said he and his mom were getting nervous that I wasn't really coming b/c I hadn't told him yet. I got really upset and told him he needed to realize how hard it was for me and I still wasn't sure how ok my dad was after all that's happened with him and my mom. He then sounded all down in the dumps and told me I didn't HAVE to go, but he didn't want to have be without me and do things long distance. So, I feel like he was giving me a guilt trip b/c I felt like I HAD to go then.
Someone please help me out. I am so stressed out right now and I don't know what to say to my b/f or my dad. I really need to talk to my b/f about what my dad said, but it's just going to make things worse for him and he's going to get all bummed out again. It's like I can't win.
1. He has student loans and defaulted on them a while back due to an illness where he was unable to work and couldn't pay his monthly payment-- they take out $800/month from his check
2. The house he lives in actually belongs to the aunt of his best friend so he pays no rent but she has decided to develop the land the house sits on so he has to move out before the end of the year... can't afford to pay rent b/c of above so he's been freaking out about that
3. His grandmother has been in and out of the hospital the past 2 months and is not doing well at all. Right now she's in the middle of a bad infection, liver and kidney failure and just suffered cardiac arrest a few days ago. She's stable but still not doing well and they are not hopeful she will live much longer.
4. His beloved dog was bitten by a poisonous snake and almost died. He had to rush her to the emergency vet, hence more bills he can't afford. The dog is ok now.
5. He just found out he has glaucoma so that again is even more bills b/c of the eye drops and continuous doctor visits. He's a teacher so his salary is not much and his insurance is one of those where he has to reach his deductible before the insurance kicks in. Whew. Oh, and he hates his job.
So, the problem is this:
His parents live in North Carolina and they love me and I really like them. They are great people. They have offered to let us live with them in NC until he is on his feet and able to catch up. I have tried every suggestion I can think of to get his student loan payment reduced but EVERY suggestion me, my family or his family comes up with gets brushed off b/c he swears there is nothing he can do, that the student loan board are all jerks and they will get their money no matter what. He says he can't claim hardship b/c they told him it would be near impossible b/c he doesn't have a terminal illness, isn't a minority and isn't on welfare.
I live with my dad b/c I can't afford to live by myself either right now. I don't pay rent but I do pay all my other bills and help my dad with groceries and such. My parents just went through a divorce after almost 25 years of marriage (my mom left my dad and was remarried less than a month after the divorce was final. She got married last month...) so my dad is still getting over that and he likes having me and my sister around b/c he has no other family.
My b/f expects that I should just have no problems with up and moving 1200 miles away. I really DO NOT want to move. It really has nothing to do with him, his family, or even NC, but I FINALLY after the past few years have gotten to a point where I am comfortable. I am getting over my parents divorce, love my job, and I'm happy where I live. After trying to find other solutions to moving, like him finding a better job here, he just doesn't think he can get a job here with his qualifications. The best solution for him is to move in with his parents until he gets caught up. He acts like there is no other choice but for me to go as well. His parents are fine with me being there, but part of the reason I don't want to go is my dad. He decided to keep this house after the divorce and part of the reason was b/c my sister and I were here. He's still not himself, and I know he's a big boy, but I really just don't think the timing is good.
A few weeks ago I finally agreed to move with the b/f and we were going to tell everyone I was moving after his parents found a house (they live in an apartment for now) and we had more details to give my family. Well, his parents are having a hard time finding a house and I've only been at my job for a year. It's a great job and the first job I've loved. I don't dread going to work like some of my friends or my b/f. I have benefits, great vacation and they all love me there. I really hate to leave there after I told them a while back that I planned on staying a long, long time.
My b/f and his parents have been asking me and asking me when I was going to talk to my dad about moving and I've been putting it off. My dad is the kind of person who likes to know dates and times and specific details and I haven't had that to give him. I don't know when we would be moving or exactly where in NC we'd me moving to, etc. and so I haven't told him b/c of that but also b/c I'm afraid of his reaction.
Tonight at dinner my dad was asking me what my b/f was going to do about his finances b/c he knows about the troubles he's been having. I finally went ahead and told Dad that he was going to move to NC with his parents and he wanted me to go. Before I could even say anything else about it, my dad said he didn't think it was a good idea and before we could talk about it more, the phone rang for my dad and then he went to bed so I KNOW he doesn't like the idea and it's just made me realize even more how I DON'T WANT to move. I really do love my b/f but I don't want to wait forever to be able to get married and have kids, etc. I am not sure I'll be able to find a job or how I'll pay my bills and he's not either. I just don't know if I love him enough to totally rearrange my life and move that far away. I lived away from home once and I absolutely hated it. That's why I moved back.
If anyone out there could give me their opinion about how I shoudl handle this, I would really appreciate this. I really need to let my b/f know that my dad doesn't approve, and while I'm an adult and all, my family's approval is really important. My best friends thinks my b/f should go ahead and move once his family finds a house and get himself settled with a job and the once things have smoothed out, then maybe I can go up there and search for a job. I think she's right. Sometimes I think it would be great to go and start new and live somewhere else, but most of the time I just don't want to and I think that's how I really feel if I'm honest.
The other night my b/f was asking me again if I had talked to my dad and when I told him no, he said he and his mom were getting nervous that I wasn't really coming b/c I hadn't told him yet. I got really upset and told him he needed to realize how hard it was for me and I still wasn't sure how ok my dad was after all that's happened with him and my mom. He then sounded all down in the dumps and told me I didn't HAVE to go, but he didn't want to have be without me and do things long distance. So, I feel like he was giving me a guilt trip b/c I felt like I HAD to go then.
Someone please help me out. I am so stressed out right now and I don't know what to say to my b/f or my dad. I really need to talk to my b/f about what my dad said, but it's just going to make things worse for him and he's going to get all bummed out again. It's like I can't win.
