Am I Making a Big Deal Out of This? Should I Confront Him?

[shimmyshimmyya]

Hey guys,

I need your advice about how to handle a situation with this guy I'm dating.

Earlier in the week, I invited him to a party that was on Friday and he said he would go. I call him the day of the party and left him a message to call me back to so I can give him details and directions (he would have to meet me there). Six hours later as I'm driving to the party he calls me, but I had to get off the phone because I was trying to find the place and I couldn't talk at the time. I told him I would call him back as soon as I got there (10 minutes later) and he didn't answer the phone and he didn't call me back that night. So I was at the party by myself.

I'm really upset about this because he did the same thing at my birthday party. I invited him and said he was coming but he didnt come to the club, but he showed up at the restaurant we went to after the club. I was under the impression that he'd be there. His excuse was that he didnt have the right clothes (even though he knew two days beforehand).

I'm starting to see a trend here. I feel like if he didnt want to go, he should have told me no instead of pretending like he was. To me, it's rude and a big pet peeve of mine when people don't do what they say there going to do. It seems like he does this everytime I invite him somewhere. I feel like he doesn't care about me and wasting my time and I want to call him on it. I would never do this to someone...what should I do?

Should I be angry?

 

[grapegirlplum]

I would be angry because its seems to have become a pattern. I would let him know how you feel, because he may think it is not a big deal; you know men don't seem to understand when our feelings come into play!!!!!!!!!

 

[M.A.C. head.]

I don't think I'd "confront" him, but I would definitely address the issue and explain that it's not the first time and that you find it offensive. That's not acceptable. You're right, if he doesn't want to go, he should just say that. Maybe he's afraid of hurting your feelings or maybe he just doesn't want to deal with your reation, but in either case it's rude.

 

[Prinsesa]

Well there might be a reason why he didn't come to both parties. Maybe he's not into the club scene or house parties. A guy friend of mine refuses to go to any type of parties because his friend got shot at a club before so it's traumatizing for him. Ask him what's up, and see if parties bother him?

Another point would be that he doesnt want certain people to see him at a house party/club or he knows certain people that he doesnt like are coming so he doesnt come.

 

[leenybeeny]

From now on, I would just say "I am going to such and such, if you want to come, great". And leave it at that. If he is not interested in doing the things you want to do, and that is something that is important to you, you'll get your answer pretty quickly.

 

[shimmyshimmyya]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Prinsesa Well there might be a reason why he didn't come to both parties. Maybe he's not into the club scene or house parties. A guy friend of mine refuses to go to any type of parties because his friend got shot at a club before so it's traumatizing for him. Ask him what's up, and see if parties bother him? Another point would be that he doesnt want certain people to see him at a house party/club or he knows certain people that he doesnt like are coming so he doesnt come.

If that were the case, I can understand and accept that. But he's in a fraternity and he is a nightlife/scene promoter for our city....and he doesn't know any of my friends.

I'm a very rational person, if he was uncomfortable going he should have told me. It's called common courtesy. If he didn't want to go, that is fine, it's how he handled it that I'm upset about. This hurts my feelings. I wouldn't invite him places if I didn't want him to come. It's what people do when they're dating...

 

[Tudor Rose]

I wouldn't confront him, but I would talk to him about it. What's important to you should be important to him.

 

[shimmyshimmyya]

Ok, I was too upset to talk to him on the phone, so I sent him a message online to let him know how I felt. We'll see how it goes!

 

[MissResha]

personally, and this is only because i have an extremely low tolerance for BS, but i just wouldn't flat out invite him to anything. that may seem childish, but in my eyes, it avoids hurt feelings. i cant be mad at you if you don't show up to something i didn't invite you to. definitely talk to him about it, see how he feels and ask him how he'd feel if the shoes were switched.

 

[Corvs Queen]

It sounds like he might not like being in crowds or around people he doesn't really know. My husband is like that and as much of a "people person" I am, I don't force him into situations that he's uncomfortable with. He would never do that to me. Just talk to him about it. Stay calm tough and don't accuse him of being an ass even though it may seem like he was.

 

[kaliraksha]

I would basically tell him that I want to be upfront about the way I am and I prefer if you aren't going to come/ don't want to come then just don't let me think you are coming because it disappoints me.

Then I would let it go 'til the next situation... if he does it again I would drop him as a viable bf. With my long term bf I've learned that sometimes we all honestly don't think the same things are "courtesies" my bf was raised very differently, logically, scientifically and he doesn't see certain things as insensitive. However, once I tell him that it upsets me and he can understand why then I can hold him to my standards because he is fully aware of my feelings on the situation.

 

[MissMochaXOXO]

i think u need to lose him. missing ur bday with no real excuse is horrible, how does that show hes worth ur time! although i do have family members that do this too, they say yea, ill come and then they dont answer their phone when u call to see why they never showed! i dont get it, its rude and so immature

 

[LMD84]

i think i'd give him a couple more chances but if he doesn't bother to show, call shead to let you know then what use is he going to be if you got in a full on relationship with him?

unreliabloe guys are the worst as i'm so routine like sometimes!!

 

[bAbY_cHiCkEn01]

He probably doesn't like going out... my bf REFUSES to go out, even if it's to celebrate something for me, he'd rather do it with just the two of us and let me do my thing on nights out. Not everybody likes parties/clubs... I wouldn't "confront" him, just talk to him. Maybe he feels obliged to go out with you, but then thinks "oh shit, I really don't know how to go or how to get out of this, so he does, admittedly, a super shoddy thing by not rocking up etc etc. TALK TO HIM!

 

[Penn]

I think you have a right to be upset, if he doesn't want to go or cannot make it he should have the courtesy to call you and let you know. If he is uncomfortable with where you are going he should tell you instead of agreeing to go and then pretty much not show without any explanation. You should talk to him, but not angrily or in a confrontational way. Just let him know how you feel. His behavior is very immature IMO

 

[hhunt2]

You guys are "dating" right? Not a couple?

I've had this happen before while I was in high school. I went to a "rock show" type thing... local ska/punk bands who play at a whole in the wall. My friends and I would come once a month to support our friends band. During that time, I was "dating" this guy. I had invited him, I had called him a few hours before we were going to leave, but he didnt answer the phone. Finally when the show was over, I had called him and he said. "I didnt go b/c thats not my kind of thing."

WTF? Why didnt you tell me you didnt want to go inadvance. I was 16 at the time, and he was 24. I was more of an adult than him. But after years, Ive figured that he didn't want to be in public with me (which is fine with me).

Overall, if he has done this to you 2 times, ditch his ass !!!
He will continue his same old ways with his silly excuses.

 

[zzoester]

How did it go? Did you hear back from him?

 

[3jane]

Quote:

Originally Posted by leenybeeny From now on, I would just say "I am going to such and such, if you want to come, great". And leave it at that. If he is not interested in doing the things you want to do, and that is something that is important to you, you'll get your answer pretty quickly.

This.

 

[shimmyshimmyya]

Quote:

Originally Posted by zzoester How did it go? Did you hear back from him?

Sorry for taking so long to post! I did hear from him!

When I messaged him, I told him basically that whether he was intentionally or not trying to get out of going to the party, it was extremely rude and inconsiderate to not leave a message/text. I told him it hurt my feelings and that if it was something that he was going to keep doing it, I would not tolerate it and would stop all contact with him.

He figured I was upset with him because I had been avoiding his phone calls after the party. He explained to me what he should've explained that night and apologize profusely because he said it wasn't intentional on his part. We talked about it afterwards and now he's on notice. So I guess alls well that ends well.

But...I do have a little feeling that he knew what he was doing, but he didn't think I'd have the balls to call him out on it. I have balls.

Thanks guys for all the advice!