any adult children of divorce?

[MissMarley]

So this was a really tough weekend...it was my 25th birthday. My parents live 500 miles away, and I got a call Thursday night from my dad saying "Hey, I'm going to come up for your birthday!". So of course, I'm thinking it's great, I can't wait to see my dad- I'm close to both my parents, so I'd miss my mom, but at least I'd get to see him.

He got to my house around 10 pm, dropped his stuff, and told me he was leaving my mother. No specific reason, no other woman, he was just unhappy. He's been acting really different for a long time now, being really obsessive over his appearance, buying a fancy sports car, stuff that wasn't like him. He was also being really hateful towards my mom. This still just kind of came out of nowhere.

So he left at 7am the next morning, got home in time for my mom to get off work, told her he wanted a divorce, packed his clothes and left. She's a wreck. They've been married 29 years. My whole family is a disaster- everyone is shocked at my dad, and they're all calling me- I'm an only child.

So how do you deal with being the adult child in a nasty divorce? When you're young, ideally parents keep you out of the middle and try to shield you a bit- but I'm hearing everything in this. Everyone is calling me, telling me things, asking me things- and I don't really know how to react. I want to take my mother's side, because he's hurt her so much, but he's my dad. I love him, no matter what. And I know there are always two at fault in any relationship problem- she admits that. But she told him she'd go to counseling, she'd do anything to save their marriage, and he refused. He got an apartment the morning after he left. This is all happening so fast- my parents will likely be divorced by Christmas- at least that's what the lawyers think. How do I handle this? Is there anything I can do for either of them to make this easier at all? I'm 500 miles away...I feel so guilty for not being there.

Thanks for reading this. I guess I just hope there is someone out there with some kind of similar situation or who just can offer me some advice.

 

[laperle]

My parents are divorced since I'm 13.

I don't know if I can help much, but last year I got into a very severe depression and they got to interact more to help me. It's a mess now that I'm better, 'cos they've got back to putting me in the middle of all their issues.

My advice is to not let them drag you into this. Of course you will be involved, but their issues are theirs to resolve. Try to comfort your mom how you can, don't feel guilty for not being there. As for your father, with time, you'll learn his motivations and I hope you guys will find some peace.

Parents are parents for us, but they're people with issues, like everybody else. Sometimes it's almost impossible for children to understand and accept in another perspective.

Be strong.

It's hard, but we survive.

 

[dollbaby]

I'm going through the same thing right now as well. I'll be 25 in January. My parents have been married for 27 yrs. I really don't know what to say

It should be easier because we are older and we're supposed to understand but I think it's worse. Too many feelings.

 

[euphrosyne_rose]

I actually posted a thread a few weeks ago about this! I'm 29 and my parents just got divorced back in June. My mom remarried a guy we hardly know a few weeks after it was final. She actually divorced my step father. My mom and dad divorced when I was 3, she married step dad when I was 4 and my real dad died when I was 15. My step dad is DAD. That's what he's always been and still is to me. He was a wreck too when my mom left. They were almost at the 25 year mark. It turns out my mom met someone on the internet and almost as soon as she left the house, he had moved out of state to be with her and less than 6 months later they got married. Yuck. I'm not saying things like that are wrong, but it's obvious she was already planning leaving and hooking up with this guy.

My advice it just be there for your mom. Don't take things out on your dad b/c he has his reasons and it's possible you will never really know them all. There may be some things you don't know about that happened between them. I was really mad at my mom for weeks b/c of how upset my dad was and I was the only one home when it finally sunk in with him. I have 2 sisters and neither one could deal with talking to him about it. I just made sure I was there if he needed to talk and expressed my surprise and sorrow at the fact that she left. Just be there for your mom and try not to be mad at your dad, even though it might be hard. It does sound like he's going through something right now and the best thing it just to let it take it's course. It's going to be hard being the shoulder to cry on, but it will mean so much to your mom if you are just there and listen when she needs you to listen. Be supportive as you can to them both but don't bad talk either one to the other b/c that just causes trouble. Encourage them to talk to one another to work out any anger or differences, but don't push it. They will talk when they are ready to. Try not to take sides if you can. I did my best not to do that b/c I knew they both had their sides of the story. To be honest, you probably will feel more inclined to side with your mom b/c she was the hurt one, but I really have to say it would be better not to show it to your dad. Eventually it will all work itself out for the best and it will be hard, but be strong and also let them know how you feel too. Even though I didn't try to take sides, I let my mom know I was hurt and disappointed. Hopefully this all doesn't sound like a lot of mumbo jumbo to you, but I think the main point I'm trying to make is just to be supportive and there for both of them. HTH! Hugs!

 

[MissMarley]

Quote:

Originally Posted by dollbaby I'm going through the same thing right now as well. I'll be 25 in January. My parents have been married for 27 yrs. I really don't know what to say It should be easier because we are older and we're supposed to understand but I think it's worse. Too many feelings.

Thank God you said this. My dad pretty much told me to "get over it" and "move on with my life because I'm moving on with mine"- not that he was leaving me behind, but that I shouldn't be sad about it. WTF? We can be hurt and sad, right?

 

[laperle]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MissMarley Thank God you said this. My dad pretty much told me to "get over it" and "move on with my life because I'm moving on with mine"- not that he was leaving me behind, but that I shouldn't be sad about it. WTF? We can be hurt and sad, right?

tell him that, sweetie.

i still have issues with my dad that started because of the lack of communication between us after their divorce.

you don't have to throw what your feeling over him, 'cos he won't be willing to listen, but try to explain your sadness, the shock, your love for both of them and every other thing that's going on inside your heart and mind.

i'm 27, my parents have been divorced for over half of my life, but i still ask myself if i'm dealing with it in the right way.

 

[purrtykitty]

I'm not a child of divorce, so I can only imagine how hard this must be for you and your family. Just because you're an adult doesn't mean that you should have to hear every detail, whether from your parents or your family. It's understandable that your mother will want to confide in you, but for the sake of your own sanity, you may want to tell her that you can't handle being put in the middle and that she should seek counseling. You can tell them that you love them both and will be there for each, but that you are both their daughter and you should not have to choose sides. And you should be allowed to mourn the loss of your family. I hope that didn't sound too harsh.

 

[NutMeg]

No advice, just some hugs. *sends hugs*

 

[dollbaby]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MissMarley Thank God you said this. My dad pretty much told me to "get over it" and "move on with my life because I'm moving on with mine"- not that he was leaving me behind, but that I shouldn't be sad about it. WTF? We can be hurt and sad, right?

I know! We are supposed to "understand" because we are adults but we had so many memories as a child it's hard to just let them go.

It's not easy and it's not something that you can just get over as they claim.

 

[kimmy]

i'd tell them all that i didn't want to hear it. i understand there's alot of people who need to express alot of feelings, but there's a world full of people to express them to, and you don't really need to hear the nasty, bitter fighting or name-calling.

i don't know, i was only a couple years old when my parents got a divorce so i've never known anything other than two households. i never knew a happy marriage or a big happy family, so i can't really relate to what losing that is like.