Anyone else have a partner that works unsociable hours?

[Amymo]

Hi guys, I hoped that someone here might be able to share their experiences. For the past year I have been working 9-5 and my bf of five years works five nights a week including weekend nights (as a bar supervisor) and I have been finding this so hard.

It has always been difficult for us to see each other and speak on the phone as our hours are so different but I recently started taking Zoloft in an effort to come to terms with some difficulties I've been having and this has caused me to start to question the kind of person I am, gf I am etc.

I now feel like I have been so clingy this past year, for not enjoying the hours when we do see each other, for feeling lonely and resentful towards him, I feel guilty but these feelings have remained and they are so hard to overcome.

Its like when we do see each other its as 'passing ships in the night' I know people can't offer advice on this kind of thing but any thoughts on dealing with a lot of 'alone time' for a girl with not too many close friends would be much appreciated, thanks for reading this, A x

 

[lara]

My partner* is in the navy, so we regularly spend a lot of time apart. At the moment he's only doing a week away here and there (he's maintaince management at the moment and is technically posted to shore, but he's always being 'loan posted' off to ships to replace engineers who have fallen ill, etc), but he normally does 12/15 weeks away with 6 weeks in between when he oversees refits and major upkeep. The next ship he's pushing for will only be three weeks on, one week off - luxury!

Quote:

Its like when we do see each other its as 'passing ships in the night' I know people can't offer advice on this kind of thing but any thoughts on dealing with a lot of 'alone time' for a girl with not too many close friends would be much appreciated

You'd be surprised how many people know what you're going through, ducks. I fill my time with work, but I keep my spare hours busy by being active/social on the internet (I have a bustling group of lj friends, some that I meet semi-regularly for yum cha and to see a film), I read and attempt to hit the gym more than once in a blue moon, and every month I put on a make-up class for other navy wives which can be a lot of fun. Most importantly, I learnt how to enjoy my own company. The last one is the most important - learn to like hanging out with yourself.

Appreciate the time you and your boyfriend have together, but the trick is to appreciate the time you have apart as well.

* ugh, such a clinical term. We're defacto, so I suppose I should just start calling him my half-husband.

 

[NutMeg]

My bf lives about an hour away from me, although we do talk almost everyday. Right now in fact... but I do know where you're coming from because we rarely see each other (gas is soooo expensive). Mostly you have to find something in your life that motivates you to move forward other than your relationship. You need to have projects, goals, activities. If you find yourself moping just start working on something. That's mostly how I deal with it, but I've always been overly busy.

 

[Jaim]

I used to get by only seeing my boyfriend twice a year! Now he lives with me.

It was really tough at first but we made it work. I'm finding now that I really enjoyed the time apart because it made our time together seem that much more special. We see each other all day long now and of course I really like it, but we definitely take each other for granted.

We are currently both between jobs so we spend every waking moment together (ahhh!) but when he was working (from 9pm to 6am) I had such a hard time falling asleep without him. It's good to have the chance to miss the person you love, though.

You could leave him little notes now and then just to let him know you miss him!

I usually play on the computer or hang out with my family when my boyfriend is out.

This was sooo long... haha. But just to let you know, I can relate to your situation!

 

[Amymo]

Thanks girls, I read your messages before work this morning and they really picked up my mood. I really appreciate you all taking the time to chat. I have got to start making a positive effort to use my time alone more wisely instead of always thinking, that's not doing me any good and making me feel lonely.

Having all this free time is hard to get used to after busy uni life, always having work to do at home was a good distraction! Live Journal, thanks Lara, I hadn't thought of setting myself up a little spot but that would definately keep me busy and perhaps open up some new friendships. I think I'll look into a digital camera too so I can share in the FOTD fun here at Specktra.

I guess all of you have had and still have times when you really miss your partner but none of you indicated any feelings of resentment or arguments etc, its taking some getting used to but its always been a good relationship and its me making it stale and hostile, not his job, I am meeting him tomorrow night and think I'll arrange it as a 'date' and the chance to be happy to see him, not sad that its 'just for a few hours' like I normally complain. God you girls are good at passing on positive vibes! xxxxx

 

[kaliraksha]

I think you can definitely feel a little resentment and I think it's natural because you want to be with him. However, no matter what resentment you feel... you know whatever he is doing it to in some way or another help you out. If he needs to sustain himself or enrich himself or provide for himself or you... he's probably do it for you in someway. I haven't experienced the same thing, but when my boyfriend takes a lot of classes and works a lot... I feel a little "ignored" or "forgotten"... but I know that he does all of this to someday be able to spend more time with me- to get a decent job so he doesn't have to work tons... and he works now to support our going out whenever we do. Just hang in there, let your boyfriend know how you are feeling and how you would really appreciate whenever you two do get to see each other that you have something planned so it's a little more memorable and then you can ride off those memories til the next time. Haha.

Take up a class, sign up for a gym take their classes, learn to do something you always wanted to. Sometimes I wasn't necessarily doing this happily.. I was like "man, I need to find something to do" and I would just go and enjoy myself a lot and end up with an interest or hobby. Plus, I think it's hard on the missing significan other if he knows you are probably bored or upset sitting at home... it makes for a more volatile relationship. The first few weeks my boyfriend was away a lot I wouldn't know what to do with myself and I would text message him and tell him how much I missed him and once he was like "do you want me to come home? I'll just pretend I'm sick and come home" but as much as I wanted him to... I knew that's not what I really wanted... and thats how I handle it a lot... I ask myself "Would I want him to quit his job and come home?" and I know the answer is no because there are a lot of consequences afterwards.

Good luck hon, if all else fails just hang out at specktra a lot and make lots of tutorials for us!

P.S. I forgot to add you should try to give back in someway... volunteer I can't think of an easier way to do something useful and feel better about yourself. There are a lot of elderly or ill people that would love your time =)

 

[mac_goddess]

My husband works crazy hours, and those extra hours when the kids are asleep are mine to have alone time, which is something I need to relax, unwind and sometimes meditate.

I use that time to read, weed the garden and flower beds, (I can't figure out for the life of me where they come from!?!. I spend a good two hours everyday in the garden...grr) or go to the gym. Earlier this year when the kids were still in school I did some volunteer work as well.

I'm sure it will all come together for you, and you'll find some hobbies.(besides being here with us

)

 

[Designergirl9]

It's hard but you aren't alone! My husband is in the military and we have long seperations like Lara mentioned. My husband has been gone for over a year before. It's hard but you get used to it. I think the best thing is to keep busy and do stuff that makes you happy.

 

[Amymo]

Thanks again for your advice and sympathy everyone. This week my cousin offered to let me house sit for her when shes on her hols, I figure thats the ideal opportunity for me to get to be alone and find out what I enjoy doing without being at home with my crazy family and their arguments. I think the alone time is probably a bigger problem than his work as my reaction to it really affects the time when we do see each other, so I'm gonna have some space to think a few things through, thanks again everyone, x

 

[user79]

My bf and I were both working in the hotel industry for a while (at different hotels) and very rarely ever had a day off together. We didn't really see or spend time with each other besides at night when we got off work. It sucked.

Unfortunately, the only long-term solution is if you both are able to committ to a schedule that allows you more time together. Either he gets a day off on a day when you are free, or vice verca. Or, one of you quits his or her job and finds something else so you're on the same schedule. There is really no other long-term solution, imo.

 

[VeronikaJ]

To add to this post which was awhile ago...

My live with boyfriend is the perfect example of "unsociable hours", although he works in the middle of the day like many, he works 80-85 hours a week. He starts his day at 7:30 or 8:00 am (normal) but doesn't finish the day until about 9 or 10 at night. This is Monday-Saturday (only Sundays off). He is general manager of several car dealerships in the city and pretty much works bell to bell unless it's a very special occasion. The money is great but most of the time I would rather see his face in the light of the day than see the money roll in

We just have to make the most of our Sunday's and our short nights.

I thought it would get easier and it hasn't but I just try to occupy myself with other things (taking care of the house, grading papers, etc). Being a school teacher has many pluses but when you don't have anyone to come home to it makes it a little harder...I'm hoping it won't always be this way.

 

[YvetteJeannine]

I'm really glad this thread was "resurrected", because I saw it a while ago and wanted to post.

My husband is the Sous Chef for a Four-Star Inn and restuarant. It's a very "New England-y" type of place and there's a LOT of NYC people that have summer or weekend homes in the area (so, it gets a lot of biz). He works the 2nd. shift..from about 1pm to 11pm. Of course, I work during the day, so it's no big deal...but it IS hard to come home from work and have nobody there all night.

Another thing is, he's the only "hot-side" chef there (on his shift), so it's very taxing on him, and by the time he comes home at about 11pm (especially in the summer when there's the most business), he's so tired that he usually just "flops"

It's been hard on our sex life too. We've gone from having sex 1-2x's daily to 3-4x's WEEKLY! Now, he's 33...and I'm 27...I still have a pretty lusty sexual appetite, so it's been hard; to say the least.

The other night, I got upset about this whole thing, and I took off for a few hours. When I called him to tell him where I was, he begged me to come home, saying I was the only thing he lived for. We talked a while, and he said he's going to find another Chef position. I don't want him to do that, though...the $$$ is really good..and there's opp. for him to further his carreer. So, anyway...he basically told me I was going to "get it" at LEAST once a day weather I wanted it or not :hump:

I feel badly for him because he has SO much responsiblilty there. The burn out rate for his type of position is VERY HIGH. I love him so much, though. We just celebrated our 2nd wedding anniversary the other day. It can be tough to be w/o him on weekends (of course, I work w/e's too)...and it's tough not having him there when I come home from work..I busy myself w/ chores, and my two dogs, four cats and Umbrella Cockatoo..I also love to decorate, and I have many hobbies (Marine/Reef Fishkeeping is a good one..) and also MAC and Specktra help

On the day we ARE together (we've had Wed. and Thurs. off together now for a few yrs.)..we have SO much fun.

It hasn't ALL been a neg. experience..I've learned to love my own company, and learned to like spending time w/ myself (which is something a lot of people cannot do). I've gained many fun, exciting hobbies. After all..if you can't enjoy your own company, how can you enjoy anyone elses'??...Aaannnnddddd.....Matt has a lil' bit 'o guilt factor there...so I get nice stuff all the time (lol).

Well, girls..thanx for letting me vent! I didn't intend it to be this long. It's now 12:13am...Matt wants to get unda' the covers now

(yeah..you learn to have sex at odd times, too)...I guess I'd better go

 

[asnbrb]

I work M-F 745-430 and I hit the sack by 1030. My bf works all kinds of crazy ass hours, sometimes getting off as late as 11 p.m. We see each other maybe 3x/wk IF WE'RE LUCKY but we do talk on the phone a LOT and I spend at least one night a week over at his place (he lives far from my workplace)

 

[ohhhhhthehorror]

My bf and I live together and we are in a similar situation as I work days and he works nights. It seems like the only 'quality' time we have together is when we are sleeping, which obviously is not really quality. We just make the most of the time we do have together. For example, if I have the day off, I will spend time with him during the day until he goes to work and if he has the day off he will spend time with me when I get out of work.
We're happy =)

 

[meiling]

me and my s/o are both attending university. he is in engineering and taking a full course load + 1! not only is it a more than norm load, they are all core physics/math type classes and not electives. he leaves early for school, stays late at school, spends his weekends studying on campus. it's nearly impossible to find time with him.

i too have felt kind of clingy but it's hard not to.

i also agree with VeronikaJ, it does get easier once you start adding more activities to your schedule. i've been trying to hit the gym more (need to rid that frosh15) and taking more time to read & etc.