anyone else with low self esteem?

[belldandy13]

I've had low self esteem as long as I can remember...

I guess it didn't help that when I was a teenager my mother would constantly (every day) tell me that I had to watch my weight, or tell me I was getting fat. My weight fluctuates a lot. My dad also told me when I was getting fat. The thing is, I was never overweight, just chubby...if that.

Even when I was at my skinniest (and when I look back, I can now admit I was skinny) I thought I needed to lose more weight and was disgusted with myself. I would have my last meal by 4pm and it would be a small salad. I totally starved myself.

When my husband and I got married I was sooooooooo afraid that I would look fat in my wedding pictures. Seriously, I dreaded seeing them. But they turned out great! Although I looked horrible in some angles of my wedding video...

When I got pregnant the first thing my father said after I announced my pregnancy was that he was wondering why I was getting big, and that he knew it. My mother would remind me throughout my pregnancy to be careful not to gain too much weight otherwise it would be hard to lose it after. That's just the way they are...they don't mean to be insensitive but gosh it hurt.

Before I announced our pregnancy to our friends, some of them made comments like, "Oh we were wondering, what's wrong with you? Why were you getting big?" And throughout my pregnancy I was told, "you look swollen, I can tell your face and hands are swollen." Gee...thanks.

I did gain quite a bit of weight during my pregnancy (45 or so pounds). My sister would make comments about how I was so big even though she gained as much as I did during her pregnancy (but she's always been slim and still is). During my father's bday dinner, my father told my sister that he didn't know why I got so big compared to her. (As if he remembered how big she got...anyway...) I started to cry in the restaurant and both my parents got super pissed with me and my mother refused to speak to me. They blamed me...blamed me for misunderstanding them, that they meant nothing by it, and that I over-reacted and made them feel like sh*t. I bawled my eyes out...I was sobbing so hard I couldn't breathe.

I had to apologize to my parents the next day cuz my mother-in-law was in town and was having xmas dinner with my family at my parents' house the next day.

I know this sounds awful but I do love my parents with all my heart. They are just so harsh with me when it comes to my weight. My mother was obsessed with her weight for as long as I can remember. It's hard to explain...I think a lot of asian parents are like this...

Anyhoo the point of my story is...well I really hate my body. I am ashamed of it. And I hate myself for feeling this way. I should be happy the way I am and my husband loves everything about me.

I just don't feel sexy enough or pretty enough. Sometimes I think I look good before I leave the house, but when I go out and see myself in the mirror (in the mall or where ever) I feel embarrassed about the way I look. I feel so fat...even though I've lost most of the pregnancy weight (about 15 more lbs to go).

I don't know I just need to get this off my chest. Sometimes it just makes me so sad & depressed. My brother and my husband are the only ones I feel comfortable enough to talk to about this, but they can't fully understand how I feel. I'm completely content with my baby, my husband and my life...I just wish I was happy with myself.

Thanks for listening~

 

[j_absinthe]

I for the life of me can't understand why parent's arse their kids about their weight unless it's affecting their health? Have you asked them why they're so concerned with your body? At this point, you're an adult, and though it's easier said than done, you have one priority, and one priority alone right now: to maintain a healthy mind and body for you and your baby.

Everyone's experienced moments of low self-esteem, some of us more than others. Personally, I experience those moments as much as I do moments of sheer vanity. It's up and down really. Luckily, in the short time I've been here on Earth, I've gathered a few people who I can count on to build me up and be somewhat honest with me.

 

[frocher]

....

 

[Jot]

i just really wanted to send you a big hug!

You look beautiful on your FOTDS and whenever there is a pic of you and Izzy you look so smiley, happy and having so much fun.

I guess its easy for us all to say you are fab but you have to start believing it for yourself inorder to make it count.

Everyone goes through the i looked fine when i left the house what happend thing so you are not alone there.

Take care and try and keep smiling

 

[SingFrAbsoltion]

I know how you feel, my mother is like that. She always bugs me about the fact that I like to eat and tell me that I'm fat. Meanwhile she starves herself and looks like a skeleton and thinks that I should look like that too.
Yesterday I realized that I gained 5 pounds in 2 weeks and now I'm depressed as hell and she comes from vacation on tuesday and I'm afraid she'll notice and bitch at me. So starvation time for me. Yes I kn ow it's wrong but there are some things I can't control =[

 

[Krasevayadancer]

I totally can sympathize with you in regards to having low self esteem and hating my body. While i come from a family where being chubby to fat is the norm, I have tried painstakingly hard to maintain my petite figure. As someone who has suffered from anorexia (onset and then a relapse 4 years later) I know what true self disgust and self loathing is. Even today, when everyone says I look amazing at my current weight I still think of myself as large and disgusting.

My family is the opposite of yours as they are constantly telling me that I need to gain weight, that I am too thin. I couldn't imagine how terrible it would be if they told me the opposite. That sort of attitude breeds body dysmorphic disorder as well as eating disorders.

Its especially tough when you feel like you need that support and approval from your parents, and they won't give it to you for whatever reason. I know with me not eating became my repentance for not being thin enough, pretty enough, or perfect enough.

My advice would be to disregard what your parents say. You are gorgeous, and you have a family that loves you. Seriously, you are too beautiful to think otherwise. 15 lbs less or just the way you are, you look great! We are here for you

 

[Hilly]

You are such a gorgeous gal!! Don't let your parents bring you down. Be positive and happy and acept yourself and Izzy will grow up the same way.

Some people aren't meant to be teeny tiny and others are. It's the way you are made and be proud of that

 

[jilliandanica]

I feel you.

 

[belldandy13]

thanks everyone for your support! i love this forum...it really makes me feel a lot better. you all are my free therapists!

i feel better today...it's just sometimes i have that off day. well, you gals understand. izzy is of course my priority. that's why i haven't even bothered dieting or crazy exercising to lose weight. although i should do some exercise and try to be healthier. later. i'm busy enough carrying izzy all day and chasing her down since she started to learn how to crawl!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by frocher My father is Asian, I completely understand what you mean. It's a cultural difference, they will chide and tease you in ways that seem almost cruel to the outsider. It doesn't mean that they don't love you. It also doesn't mean it won't hurt like hell. I am sorry they hurt your feelings. You are not going to win by confronting them. In their minds you are their child and they are always right, and they honestly don't understand where you are coming from. Talking to them about this issue would open an even bigger can of worms, I think you know all this.

exactly!!! thank you!!! gosh it is so relieving and comforting knowing that someone understands the situation perfectly. you just can't win with asian parents (and i'm sure most parents anyway).

Quote:

Originally Posted by SingFrAbsoltion I know how you feel, my mother is like that. She always bugs me about the fact that I like to eat and tell me that I'm fat. Meanwhile she starves herself and looks like a skeleton and thinks that I should look like that too. Yesterday I realized that I gained 5 pounds in 2 weeks and now I'm depressed as hell and she comes from vacation on tuesday and I'm afraid she'll notice and bitch at me. So starvation time for me. Yes I kn ow it's wrong but there are some things I can't control =[

wow that's so sad. i'm sorry she makes you feel that way. i totally understand. i actually worry the most about what my parents think and dress accordingly so they won't see my fatness (does that make sense)? and i avoid my sisters all together cuz they always comment on my weight as if i'm not even there. best of luck to you...i feel for you

Quote:

Originally Posted by Krasevayadancer ...I know what true self disgust and self loathing is. Even today, when everyone says I look amazing at my current weight I still think of myself as large and disgusting. My family is the opposite of yours as they are constantly telling me that I need to gain weight, that I am too thin. I couldn't imagine how terrible it would be if they told me the opposite. That sort of attitude breeds body dysmorphic disorder as well as eating disorders. Its especially tough when you feel like you need that support and approval from your parents, and they won't give it to you for whatever reason. I know with me not eating became my repentance for not being thin enough, pretty enough, or perfect enough. My advice would be to disregard what your parents say. You are gorgeous, and you have a family that loves you. Seriously, you are too beautiful to think otherwise. 15 lbs less or just the way you are, you look great! We are here for you

so true...everything you said. i feel the same way...thank you for sharing. and i really appreciate your support.

 

[CantAffordMAC]

I'm sorry that you feel so bad about yourself. I'm not sure what you should do about your parents...it seems like a lot of your family and friends were being negative about your body while you were pregnant, and thats just wrong. I'm not saying that you should confront your parents about this, but I don't think you should just accept it and be depressed. They also seem very stubborn whenever you get upset about it. The only thing I can suggest is seeing a therapist...they can probably help you sort out your feelings and provide you with the best way to deal with your family.

My oldest sister can be very negative, about everyone. She tells me that i shouldn't be wearing a certain shirt because my boobs are too big for that, or that i'm not wearing the right bra for my size, she says a lot of things about me. I ignore it now--im no longer a child, and although she is 11 years older than me, I'm 18 years old now and I don't have to take what she says. I don't argue about it, but I ignore her. my mom says its just jealousy.

I have low self esteem all the time. I have done the same thing, when I look great and then I see myself in a mirror later on, and I look horrible. I can't get my hair to act right sometimes, I hate that my boyfriend touches my stomach and has to feel my gut, my makeup looks dumb, my face breaks out, my boobs are way too big, the rest of my body is unproportioned to that, i don't have nice clothes or nice shoes, and I almost always feel inferior to someone. But I do have a great big family who loves me. And a wonderful boyfriend who doesn't see my imperfections the way I do. My self esteem could be better, but all I can do is work on it.
Good luck. I think you're beautiful!

 

[belldandy13]

Quote:

Originally Posted by CantAffordMAC I'm sorry that you feel so bad about yourself. I'm not sure what you should do about your parents...it seems like a lot of your family and friends were being negative about your body while you were pregnant, and thats just wrong. I'm not saying that you should confront your parents about this, but I don't think you should just accept it and be depressed. They also seem very stubborn whenever you get upset about it. The only thing I can suggest is seeing a therapist...they can probably help you sort out your feelings and provide you with the best way to deal with your family. My oldest sister can be very negative, about everyone. She tells me that i shouldn't be wearing a certain shirt because my boobs are too big for that, or that i'm not wearing the right bra for my size, she says a lot of things about me. I ignore it now--im no longer a child, and although she is 11 years older than me, I'm 18 years old now and I don't have to take what she says. I don't argue about it, but I ignore her. my mom says its just jealousy. I have low self esteem all the time. I have done the same thing, when I look great and then I see myself in a mirror later on, and I look horrible. I can't get my hair to act right sometimes, I hate that my boyfriend touches my stomach and has to feel my gut, my makeup looks dumb, my face breaks out, my boobs are way too big, the rest of my body is unproportioned to that, i don't have nice clothes or nice shoes, and I almost always feel inferior to someone. But I do have a great big family who loves me. And a wonderful boyfriend who doesn't see my imperfections the way I do. My self esteem could be better, but all I can do is work on it. Good luck. I think you're beautiful!

thank you for that! it's great that you don't let your sister bring you down, and it's wonderful that you have a supportive family & bf. you're so positive - i love that. and i think you're gorgeous!:roll:

 

[alysia56]

I am right there with you, babe. I am 26 y/o and have had the low self-esteem thing for as long as I can remember. Literally. And it's more than just feeling bad about myself...it's this constant, nagging fear that everything's going to go to hell because of me or how much I suck. I'm a super nerdy dork who had NO friends in high school...I was NEVER asked on a date. I'm not kidding. Never, EVER. My dad liked to beat the crap out of me when I was younger and my mom was bulimic. I'm sure those things only added to my brain issues.

Anyway, I met this wonderful, amazing guy six years ago when I was blonde and skinny. He was always happy and full of energy and we had a great time together. Then . . . it's like. . . his sex drive began to disappear, he's always busy with other stuff (no time for me, you know?) We ended up getting married, but I still feel ALONE and so goddamn freaking sad. I decided to go to a brain doctor (that's what I call my shrink) and she gave me some pills and I did some therapy, but nothing helped.

Finally, about six months ago, I stepped on the scale and realized I had ballooned up by 50 lbs. Granted, when I met my husband, I was 5'7" and weighed 120, so I probably could have had an extra 10 or so and been okay. But still...I was up to 170. So I crash dieted (hardcore) and dropped 30 lbs. in 2 months. I'm hovering around 140 right now. I still feel fat. Oh...and I've been getting my hair lightened. And I got boobs. No kidding. I paid and went in and came out with some very beautiful breasts and you'd think that would make me happy, right? Yah, well...not so much. Granted, I freaking LOVE my boobs, but I think that if anything, I wanted HIM to like them.

I don't know. I still feel fat...my thighs are freaking HUUUUUGE. I think I COULD be pretty, but I spend a TON of time on myself and I never end up being pretty. My skin is gross. I bite my nails. I'm exhausted by the time I get home every night, so I almost never cook dinner or keep the house clean; hence I suck as a wife. I've got a decent job but live in constant fear I'm going to be fired at any second. I have no friends. It's like high school all over again, except that I wasn't fat back then.

Anyway, I'm sorry.........that wasn't supportive at all. I was actually thinking about all of this crap earlier today and then stumbled upon your post. I'll jump back on here later and give some hugs and niceness.

 

[belldandy13]

Quote:

Originally Posted by alysia56 I am right there with you, babe. I am 26 y/o and have had the low self-esteem thing for as long as I can remember. Literally. And it's more than just feeling bad about myself...it's this constant, nagging fear that everything's going to go to hell because of me or how much I suck. I'm a super nerdy dork who had NO friends in high school...I was NEVER asked on a date. I'm not kidding. Never, EVER. My dad liked to beat the crap out of me when I was younger and my mom was bulimic. I'm sure those things only added to my brain issues. Anyway, I met this wonderful, amazing guy six years ago when I was blonde and skinny. He was always happy and full of energy and we had a great time together. Then . . . it's like. . . his sex drive began to disappear, he's always busy with other stuff (no time for me, you know?) We ended up getting married, but I still feel ALONE and so goddamn freaking sad. I decided to go to a brain doctor (that's what I call my shrink) and she gave me some pills and I did some therapy, but nothing helped. Finally, about six months ago, I stepped on the scale and realized I had ballooned up by 50 lbs. Granted, when I met my husband, I was 5'7" and weighed 120, so I probably could have had an extra 10 or so and been okay. But still...I was up to 170. So I crash dieted (hardcore) and dropped 30 lbs. in 2 months. I'm hovering around 140 right now. I still feel fat. Oh...and I've been getting my hair lightened. And I got boobs. No kidding. I paid and went in and came out with some very beautiful breasts and you'd think that would make me happy, right? Yah, well...not so much. Granted, I freaking LOVE my boobs, but I think that if anything, I wanted HIM to like them. I don't know. I still feel fat...my thighs are freaking HUUUUUGE. I think I COULD be pretty, but I spend a TON of time on myself and I never end up being pretty. My skin is gross. I bite my nails. I'm exhausted by the time I get home every night, so I almost never cook dinner or keep the house clean; hence I suck as a wife. I've got a decent job but live in constant fear I'm going to be fired at any second. I have no friends. It's like high school all over again, except that I wasn't fat back then. Anyway, I'm sorry.........that wasn't supportive at all. I was actually thinking about all of this crap earlier today and then stumbled upon your post. I'll jump back on here later and give some hugs and niceness.

first of all, you need a biggggggg HUG!!!!

i'm sorry about your dad...that just makes me sick that he beat you. i don't even know what to say about that.

is your husband aware of your feelings? it sounds like he's taking you for granted. i mean what do i know but he should make time for you. one thing i am thankful for is my husband because he does try to make me see what he sees in me, and i love him so much for that.

i have been depressed and gone through therapy and "happy pills" but it took a long time for me to be okay enough to stop both. i tried out different meds until i found the right one and i was on antidepressants for a long time for it to kick in as well. it sounds to me like you are really depressed and i'm not sure how long you saw your brain doctor or took your meds but you might want to give it another go...maybe the doctor wasn't the right one for you. i've seen quite a few and i only liked one. i decided to stop seeing her because i felt like i didn't need to anymore, and that it wasn't helping me. i guess that was when i was ready to be on my own and i was really okay, because i didn't feel like i needed her or the pills.

at 5'7 and 140, let me assure you that you are absolutely NOT FAT. i know it's hard to see that yourself, i know...no matter what people tell me i'll always hate the way i look. but i just have to say it, you are not fat.

my heart truly goes out to you. i wish you well...please try to get some support somehow. i'm worried about you! you really need someone to confide in. or if you someone to listen i'm here for you!!!

please take care~

 

[kimmy]

it's easier said than done to just brush off the hurtful things they say, but just try your hardest.

i know where you're coming from, my dad's ex wife used to pick me apart all the time. though i would like to say that the things she said didn't effect me, they did because it's hard to hear that from someone who's supposed to care about you.

maybe sit down and have a talk with your parents and tell them that the way they say things is easy to misinterpret and is generally very hurtful and hard to hear. maybe they'll see the error of their ways and fix things. also, i'd suggest talking to your husband and letting him know these feelings in depth, he might be able to find a way to help you be happy with yourself.

bottom line, you're gorgeous and don't believe anyone who ever tells you otherwise!

 

[meiming]

Belldandy - I know what you are going through as well. I've had body issues for most of my semi-adult to adult life. First off, I had a supermodel looking mom who was tall and slender and a very tall and athletic dad growing up. When I was a kid, I never had any weight problems so I didn't think about it, but when adolescence came, I stopped growing "up" and started growing "out". Even though I was successful in school and "smart", I ended up being a good 3 inches shorter than my mom and little sister who everyone in the family said took after our mom in her features - high cheekbones, tall stature and very slender even though I supposedly took after my mom in other ways. Meanwhile, I would get nagged at about watching my weight, that my butt was too big etc etc and I was 5'6 and 135 lbs in high school. To make matters worse, they took her to modeling school and even a couple of teen pageants.

Then, at a certain point my mom became fairly overweight herself, ended up getting cancer and died recently. (Over years...not quickly) Now through the illness and after, my dad's constantly after me saying I'm going to take after my mom and I better watch my weight in case I become like her and I might develop severe health issues too. Because even though my sister got her height and used to be slenderness, I guess I'm in other ways very much like my mom in other physical aspects.
I guess all I can say is don't let them get you down. Asian parents and families it seems always have a way of coming off harsh and mean. Other families too I suppose but I know know personally. I wish I knew how to cheer you up more except I'm fighting my own demons and I can sympathize with you. You look beautiful and would no matter what you weigh. I only wish I can accept my own words. I know it's bad, but sometimes I think the reason why I haven't had a boyfriend in years is because I am not a "tiny asian girl" like so many around me.

Good luck to you and everyone else who is such a rockstar for speaking on these feelings because it's really hard to do, even on a forum of people you don't really know.

 

[chillipea]

I wish I could give everyone here a big hug!

I, too, understand. My weight always seems to be an issue to my parents and family. To be told continuously that you are fat or that you are getting fat or 'don't eat that you'll get fat' on a daily basis on top of other comments about my physical appearance and my worthiness became far too much for me to bear. I have memories of being told I was being silly and oversensitive when crying at some of the comments. Even after I was diagnosed with anorexia I was still being told I was fat and lazy. I'm surprised I didn't suicide - eventhough I thought about it every day. I think the only reason I am still here is because I was very fortunate to met a wonderful man who has helped me to not hate myself as much.

Seeking help from a professional and distancing myself from my parents (physical distance and communicating rarely) was the best thing I ever did. I know that sounds awfully harsh but it is the best solution for me.

Even now when I see my parents, there is usually a comment about how much weight I put on - 5'8 and weight 134lbs. yeah. I'm soooo overweight!

I don't understand why some parents believe that these sorts of comments are ok. All I can presume is that they received similar comments from their own parents and see them as encouraging.

 

[XShear]

I've seen your FOTD's and I happen to think your gorgeous! But, parents are usually hard on their children (I always get, "Have you gained any weight? You look way too thin" spat) and it sucks. But, then you have those people around you who support you and love you for what you are and what you are not. Those are the important ones.

 

[SparklingWaves]

Gosh, you are adorable. Parents do pass on their issues to us. We can do something about that. Love yourself like you love your baby. All that's important is that you are healthy. - sending love your way.

 

[gohgoomah]

belldandy, i think you're absolutely gorgeous! i LOVE the fact that you are mixed and i think you got the best of both nationalities!

i definitely understand where you are coming from though, i also come from an asian family who is very "open and honest (maybe blunt)" about their opinions and what is on their mind. my dad calls me his piggy and always makes jokes that if i eat too much i'm going to have to come into the house through the garage door. honestly i can't lie to you and tell you that it's NEVER bothered me that he has said these things to me, considering that my father is 5'11 and rather thin and my mother is 5'1 and was under 100lbs the majority of her life until recently. point being, as much as they joke and tease i realized that they do it bc they know i don't take it very much to heart. granted there have been times where it did hurt and wished they wouldn't put me down that way, they've also been very supportive in different areas in my life. honestly, it's your parents and you are probably the most precious thing to them.

for example, there was a time when my dad sat me down and he told me that he thought i was beautiful and that if i really was "fat" that he wouldn't tease me the way he does. that instance meant a lot to me and i always try and keep that in mind when they crack jokes about my weight.


but i have to say i definitely understand what you mean when you said that you feel like you're having an okay day and you go out and look at yourself at the mall or something and feel completely just BLAH! i have a lot of those days too specially when i see incredibly beautiful/trendy girls out...

BUT... i think it helps remembering that you yourself, exactly how you are, are completely different and unique from anyone else out there and THAT'S what makes you beautiful and special! NO BODY ELSE in this world can be YOU.. and that in itself is an amazing thing!! as long as you realize it... you're on your way to loving yourself.

i think loving ourselves is probably one of the hardest things to do bc we are our own worst critics. it's a long term process that requires the love and support of those around you! and belldandy, we here at specktra, think you're absolutely gorgeous! we <3 you!

 

[wolfsong]

I second that, you're extremely beautiful! You are in no way even approaching overweight - which is impressive as you are a new mother.

I dont get the whole 'if you were fat we wouldnt tease' thing because why make fun of someones weight or apparent fat if it doesnt exist (im not saying make fun of those that do have these problems!). To me, as long as you dont endanger your health (either too small or too big, or too unhealthy) than all you need to look beautiful is self confidence, and knowing that you deserve to look after yourself.
I personally wish i had more curves, but i accept that i will never be any other shape than i am. For every 1 person that puts you down for having curves and whatnot, there is many more that wish they had a figure like yours.