Baby Blues

[MisStarrlight]

Ok, well, I'm not pregnant, but the boy I'm messing around with is....well he's not, but some girl he is messing around with is.
Lovely, right?

That was the quick story, not for the novel of details....
I've been seeing this guy for about a year...absolutely nothing serious. We haven't been exclusive & both of us had serious relationships (with other people) during the time that him & I were messing around. But lately, my relationship has started to go sour & he broke up with his g/f about 4 months ago. We have been starting to see more of each other-and it's been getting almost romantical. Now, I've kind of accepted that we're never really going to be officially a couple, but you know how us girls get...starting to read into the new things he's doing & get a little more emotional than I probably should...aka, I'm secretly falling madly in love with him.

So for the past few days his away message has been weird (I was kinda suspecting this news) & then I put mine up as "For him, I would walk through fire. For him, I have walked through fire...too bad he wouldn't do the same for me." So he asked if it was about him-and like a girl, I said "Kinda"...and that's when he told me that he was going to be a father..."just a mistake between friends" is how he put it. He says he's not seeing the mother, and that we can still chill, but that he's definitely not going to be dating anyone for a while. I didn't bring up the dating part, he said it on his own-so I don't know if that was a hint to me or what.

Nearly the same thing happened last year when my best friend told me that he was having a kid (and I've only spoken to him 4 times since then). My best friend was the love of my life...since I was 14, I said I was going to grow up & marry him.

Now, I've never wanted kids, but if I were-these would have been the two guys I would have had them with. And for some reason, the fact that they've already had/going to have their first child with someone else is breaking my heart. I guess I would have dealt with this news a little better if things had turned out better with my best friend, but thay are what they are.

So, since there is nothing that I can really do about either situation-how do I go about dealing with it? I really like this guy, so I don't want to cut him out of my life, but it is really killing me. I have been crying non-stop since about 9 last night & I have no idea how I'm going to make it through work today.

Oh, also, "talking to him" is not really an option. He's really excited and I get this feeling that if I start to bring this stuff up, he'll shut down & possibly even cut me out of his life.

 

[prinzessin784]

Wow, this is a tough situation! I'm really sorry you have to go through this, and twice! That's rough

If you really want to keep him a part of your life I think you're going to have to cut off those romantic feelings for him and think of him as a friend. Try and be excited for him having a baby just as you would if like a relative or a close girl friend were having a baby. It might help to think of him and the baby's mother as a couple, even if they aren't very close, to trick your mind into knowing he's off limits. It will be tough, but I think it would be best for you in the long run. The baby will need a father, and I think messing him up with complicated feelings might have a negative affect on relationship in the future.

Also, it might help thinking about the negative aspects of your relationship with him. Obviously he's not very responsible (if he got another girl pregnant without planning it!) and I'm sure that's not the kind of attribute you want in a father for your own children. Next time try and fnd someone who will really dedicate himself to you AND your possible future children, just like this guy should be doing to his pregnant friend.

I hope that doesn't sound too harsh, I know its a sticky situation and I hope it all works out for you!!

 

[quandolak]

...........

 

[MisStarrlight]

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention when he says "chill", he really means mess around.

 

[Beauty Mark]

Time heals all wounds. I'm sorry that had to happen and that I can only offer cliche advice.

I agree you need to stop liking this guy. It's a lot easier said than done. I think thinking of him in a less positive light may work, but you may grow just to not like him period. Think about why things wouldn't work out for you and him. He's not committed to you. You sound like that's something you want. Now knowing that he just wants to mess around- is that really the guy you want to be with?

Also, this guy probably is going to be involved with the baby and the mother in some sense; even if they are both mature, it's usually sticky. You're so young, and if you don't want kids, it'll be a really difficult situation to be in.

I hope things go well.

 

[xmrsvindieselx]

Honestly, I know you love him, but if he doesn't love you back, he is not worth it. He should love you from the beginning, and not want an "open" relationship. I know its hard because I went through something similar.If he is saying that he got a girl pregnant and its just a mistake, he doesn't seem to be taking relationships too seriously. you can do so much better hun! you seem like such a sweet girl and deserve a great guy!

 

[MisStarrlight]

So it's been almost two weeks...
I've tried really hard to cut off ties to him, or at least to cut off feelings. Sometimes it works & others it doesn't. Through a little MySpace digging (it's the frikin devil, I tell you!) I found out who the mother is (not who I thought is was, so that's a relief) and when the baby is due (much sooner than I thought, so I won't have to deal with this for long).

The other day I got a prank phone call-they said stuff that only he & I know so I confronted him about that & since then we've been talking as if nothing happened (ok, we've talked once since then, but still)...but I want to talk about all of this & I can tell he doesn't so I'm trying really hard not to talk to him at all (cause when I do, I get secretly really aangry that he doesn't bring it up)-maybe he'll get the point, right? Ok, maybe not, but I told him that if he wants to see me again, it's up to him. I'm done trying to make things better if I'm the only one that cares.

 

[Beauty Mark]

It's perfectly normal to go back and forth emotionally for a bit; you can't just turn on and off your emotions like a light.

That's so weird and shady that you'd get a prank call like that.

 

[xbeatofangelx]

No more "chilling" though! Since you're already romantically inclined, it will only do worse for you =[

 

[MisStarrlight]

Quote:

Originally Posted by xbeatofangelx No more "chilling" though! Since you're already romantically inclined, it will only do worse for you =[

Hahaha, I know. You're so right!

But I'm a moron and can't (ok, I don't want to) say no to this kid. I found out yesterday that he doesn't hate me though!!!

 

[MisStarrlight]

The baby was born today...and the parents are officially dating now.

Guess it's friends or nothing now. I'm leaning toward nothing...I really had no idea how much I cared for this guy until he was taken away from me.

I'm hoping more than life that he doesn't start calling me again in a couple of months, like he has a history of doing...cause I know that I won't say no.

 

[Raerae]

Dr. RaeRae is putting you on a prescription of late night partying and drinking at public venues, to treat your case of boy withdrawl ;p

Find another guy, you wont miss him anymore, I promise hehe.

 

[kimmy]

starlight, you sound alot like me with your emotional flip-flopping. and it can be so difficult. you say you won't get attached to a man you mess around with, and for a while you don't...but eventually when you do it long enough, you get to know them so well, in such a way that very few (if any) other people know them and you fall in love. and when you fall in love, you fall fast and you fall hard.

i say just cut your losses and exile him from your life. having him still in your life even as a friend, you'll be constantly reminded of your feelings for him and seeing him with his baby's mama will tell you he's not reciprocating...and that effin' hurts. so do yourself a favour and cut him out of the picture completely.

*hugs*

 

[Beauty Mark]

Cut him out of your life the second he starts trying to come around. He seems to not care about you the way he should.

Easier said than done, but I think it's better for you. You deserve someone who's going to entirely be with you, not this half-assed stuff.

 

[giz2000]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Beauty Mark Cut him out of your life the second he starts trying to come around. He seems to not care about you the way he should. Easier said than done, but I think it's better for you. You deserve someone who's going to entirely be with you, not this half-assed stuff.

Agree...you need to totally cut him out...being "friends" with him is only going to hurt you in the long run...and you deserve soooo much better.

 

[MisStarrlight]

Thanks so much guys!!
I'm actually feeling really good about this (as good as possible anyways).
I wrote him a congrats email & left it at that. Unfortunately this island is very small & I'm sure I'll run into him again, but for now I'm done with him for real-I'm actually ok with it.


I've turned my attention to more important things, like getting a new job or a promotion/transfer.

 

[semtexgirl]

Hun, I think you did the right thing all around and you definately sound better than when you first wrote about the situation earlier this year. Good for you and the worst is behind you now.

 

[LMcConnell18]

i had a friend in an identical situation as yours. because im her best friend and was obligated to go thru that rough patch with her, let me tell you from experience, it is BEST to listen to the rest of these girls, and leave this boy alone. it might even be best to spare him his ego boost that u like him, and decline him when he calls with the explanation that you are not going to be apart of his irresponsible actions when he has a baby and its mother that he should be with. youll feel better after awhile, and ur recooping time with girls with offer more opportunities to meet mr right for now!

good luck!