Pascal
Well-known member
lately I have been so unhappy and uncertain of whats going on. I've been having bad dreams and I'm always broke. For example last night, my mom and I were talking about who should do my nose job surgery and how much it costs and how much money I have saved up. Well I was telling her that by the end of this month I would have $600.00 saved up and by the end of December it would be about $1,000.00 - $1,200.00. And she started getting all up in my business and asking me how much I earn and how much I save and how much I spend and that I should have more money then that saved up. You know, and I'm not comfortable with talking about that stuff with my mom. Then she started telling me that if I wanted a nose job that bad, that I should get a loan. I told her a Loan is the last thing I need. I'd rather just either have the money and not get a loan. I owe like $3,500.00 on my credit card. So she started to get on my nerves and kept asking me questions and I was slowly getting offended, so our conversation ended with me saying " whatever " to her. Then I took a shower and laid in bed at 5:30 pm and started to cry. Then I fell asleep. and I woke up this morning to a terrible dream.
I work fulltime from about 9-5 in my dads office as a manager,he's really flexible with my hours and what not, but after work I just don't have the will to go anywhere or do anything. I just feel like I have no will to have fun or do anything productive after work. I just want to come home take a shower and sleep. I feel like I don't want to see the world anymore, I feel so down. I just isolate myself from everything and everyone. I have been having terrible mood swings and no I don't consider meds for that stuff anymore. Meds don't do shit for me. But here comes thanksgiving and christmas, I feel like I don't want to be around my family I don't want any one around, I don't care to celebrate it with any one, I don't want to give gifts and I don't want to receive them . It's not that anyone has done anything to me, I just want to be alone lately. The more isolated I make myself, the less tolerance I have for being in public.
The other day I was in Nordstroms just looking at their purses, and there is this guy that works there in the handbags department, he sees my mom and I shopping at Nordstroms all the time. So when he said Hi to me I said Hi back like normal. Then he started asking me how my day was, and If I was doing anything special, and if I had any plans for the night. I answered NO to all of his questions. Then he started asking me what my interests are and all that stuff. Then I asked him where the JUICY COUTURE purses were and he showed me, and he followed me to the purses. By this time I don't know if he's just being helpful or if he's flirting or if he's gay. I always feel like I am getting the wrong signal from men. I can't tell if they're flirting because I've never flirted in my life cause I am very shy when it comes to guys. So I don't know what the fuck he was trying to do or say or ask or what his demeaner was. So as soon as I sensed that I was out of my comfort zone I got really defensive in my answers to him.
In the past I use to think to myself " wow this guy must be really into me, he's asking what I like to do, and if I have any plans and all that good stuff. I'll fall for him, have a crush on him, I feel like I'm floating". Now that I'm 23 years old and not 18 years old I have really changed and I am very firm on guys. So wheather they are flirting or not I already have me shield ready for all their bullshit. Just incase I always have my shield ready to knock they asses out, before I play the fool.
I get very nervous when guys talk to me I really don't know what their demeaner is anymore. So that's why I don't bother so I won't get my heart broken.
I just feel like even if I have a little fun it won't be worth it because I am so unsatisfied with myself that after the fun is over I will feel unsatisfied all over again. Nothing really makes me happy anymore, or is fullfilling to me. Even make up, it's the only thing that made me smile that makes me happy, and feel good, I don't have the desire to wear it anymore, I just feel like I would be covering up my uglyness, my sadness and my isolation. I just don't desire anything really.
I work fulltime from about 9-5 in my dads office as a manager,he's really flexible with my hours and what not, but after work I just don't have the will to go anywhere or do anything. I just feel like I have no will to have fun or do anything productive after work. I just want to come home take a shower and sleep. I feel like I don't want to see the world anymore, I feel so down. I just isolate myself from everything and everyone. I have been having terrible mood swings and no I don't consider meds for that stuff anymore. Meds don't do shit for me. But here comes thanksgiving and christmas, I feel like I don't want to be around my family I don't want any one around, I don't care to celebrate it with any one, I don't want to give gifts and I don't want to receive them . It's not that anyone has done anything to me, I just want to be alone lately. The more isolated I make myself, the less tolerance I have for being in public.
The other day I was in Nordstroms just looking at their purses, and there is this guy that works there in the handbags department, he sees my mom and I shopping at Nordstroms all the time. So when he said Hi to me I said Hi back like normal. Then he started asking me how my day was, and If I was doing anything special, and if I had any plans for the night. I answered NO to all of his questions. Then he started asking me what my interests are and all that stuff. Then I asked him where the JUICY COUTURE purses were and he showed me, and he followed me to the purses. By this time I don't know if he's just being helpful or if he's flirting or if he's gay. I always feel like I am getting the wrong signal from men. I can't tell if they're flirting because I've never flirted in my life cause I am very shy when it comes to guys. So I don't know what the fuck he was trying to do or say or ask or what his demeaner was. So as soon as I sensed that I was out of my comfort zone I got really defensive in my answers to him.
In the past I use to think to myself " wow this guy must be really into me, he's asking what I like to do, and if I have any plans and all that good stuff. I'll fall for him, have a crush on him, I feel like I'm floating". Now that I'm 23 years old and not 18 years old I have really changed and I am very firm on guys. So wheather they are flirting or not I already have me shield ready for all their bullshit. Just incase I always have my shield ready to knock they asses out, before I play the fool.
I get very nervous when guys talk to me I really don't know what their demeaner is anymore. So that's why I don't bother so I won't get my heart broken.
I just feel like even if I have a little fun it won't be worth it because I am so unsatisfied with myself that after the fun is over I will feel unsatisfied all over again. Nothing really makes me happy anymore, or is fullfilling to me. Even make up, it's the only thing that made me smile that makes me happy, and feel good, I don't have the desire to wear it anymore, I just feel like I would be covering up my uglyness, my sadness and my isolation. I just don't desire anything really.
