Catholic VS. Atheist ::round one:: DINGGGG
- Thread starter Hilly
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stephbunny
Well-known member
hey hon, i totally know what you're going through....I went through the same situation with one of my ex-boyfriends, and it was one of the hardest things I've ever experienced. It sucks cause you can't change anything about it...faith is such a complex and personal experience, and can't be fabricated in one day. =(
Well at least he's still willing to get married in a church? Have you had discussions on why he's an atheist? Or is he just agnostic? Does he have any history of belief (in his childhood or maybe relatives?). I'm not saying that you should push the issue, but sometimes people have very good reasons for not believing in God, sometimes based on false information.
I will send a prayer for you. Remember that you've had many years to think about God (growing up in church & going to catholic school)...whereas it might be new to your fiance maybe? I'm glad to hear that you're accepting his stance on God right now (though hard as it seems) ... Jesus never forced anyone to believe. Believing in & loving your fiance is probably one of the best things you can do!
Well at least he's still willing to get married in a church? Have you had discussions on why he's an atheist? Or is he just agnostic? Does he have any history of belief (in his childhood or maybe relatives?). I'm not saying that you should push the issue, but sometimes people have very good reasons for not believing in God, sometimes based on false information.
I will send a prayer for you. Remember that you've had many years to think about God (growing up in church & going to catholic school)...whereas it might be new to your fiance maybe? I'm glad to hear that you're accepting his stance on God right now (though hard as it seems) ... Jesus never forced anyone to believe. Believing in & loving your fiance is probably one of the best things you can do!
jenii
Well-known member
I'm sorry about what you're going through. It must suck to really want to get married in your church, but to face the possibility of not being allowed to. But I don't understand why you're upset about your fiance being an Atheist.
Some people just don't believe in anything. It doesn't mean they're lacking in any way. You can be a happy, well-adjusted person without religion.
But, what's important is that you love him, right? Even if you weren't able to get married in the exact church you want, what matters is WHO you're marrying, right?
Some people just don't believe in anything. It doesn't mean they're lacking in any way. You can be a happy, well-adjusted person without religion.
But, what's important is that you love him, right? Even if you weren't able to get married in the exact church you want, what matters is WHO you're marrying, right?
Willa
Well-known member
jenii said what I was thinking
IMO, its not how, but who
Here in Quebec, a lot of people dont believe in religion. I would say that 70% of people are atheists. It doesnt change anything, people get married in church anyway, you just need to do some learning and then you can marry there.
Maybe you should have a talk with him about how he feels...
IMO, its not how, but who
Here in Quebec, a lot of people dont believe in religion. I would say that 70% of people are atheists. It doesnt change anything, people get married in church anyway, you just need to do some learning and then you can marry there.
Maybe you should have a talk with him about how he feels...
Hilly
Well-known member
Quote:
Well- he hears about the extremists and bad things that go down in chrches, and thinks all people are like that and are brainwashed. He thinks like organized religion is a joke saying people are weak. Sigh. It's just so frustrating that we butt heads on this.
It doesnt bother me that he is atheist too bad- if he just doesnt talk about it and express that he doesn't believe it God, then I am ok. But when I hear the words, I always like tear up or cry.
When you are marrying in the Catholic church to a non-catholic, the catholic must raise the kids catholic. I have no problem with this, but he does. He thinks they should make their own decisions regarding religion.
Gahhh!!
Thanks everyone for your advice!
Originally Posted by stephbunny
Have you had discussions on why he's an atheist? Or is he just agnostic? Does he have any history of belief (in his childhood or maybe relatives?). |
Well- he hears about the extremists and bad things that go down in chrches, and thinks all people are like that and are brainwashed. He thinks like organized religion is a joke saying people are weak. Sigh. It's just so frustrating that we butt heads on this.
It doesnt bother me that he is atheist too bad- if he just doesnt talk about it and express that he doesn't believe it God, then I am ok. But when I hear the words, I always like tear up or cry.
When you are marrying in the Catholic church to a non-catholic, the catholic must raise the kids catholic. I have no problem with this, but he does. He thinks they should make their own decisions regarding religion.
Gahhh!!
Thanks everyone for your advice!
Shimmer
Well-known member
My brother married outside our religion.
It's been a trial, and I'll just say that a LOT of problems have been caused because of the difference in the religions. The kids, home roles, whatever, and it's honestly something I would really think about as far as how important my religion is to me, what role I want it to have in my life and how I want my kids raised.
I'm by no means saying dump the guy or anything like that but I am saying that the problems you face are huge.
It's been a trial, and I'll just say that a LOT of problems have been caused because of the difference in the religions. The kids, home roles, whatever, and it's honestly something I would really think about as far as how important my religion is to me, what role I want it to have in my life and how I want my kids raised.
I'm by no means saying dump the guy or anything like that but I am saying that the problems you face are huge.
Beauty Mark
Well-known member
I agree with Shimmer. Religious differences if they're pretty big are hard to deal with.
The couples who I've seen make the religious differences work the best are when each party more or less pays lip service to the religion and doesn't really believe in it.
You should really consider the fact he doesn't want to raise the kids Catholic. Is he going to scoff at you going to get your kids baptized and confirmed in the church? Will he be annoyed with holiday celebrations? Also, you say you keep trying to accept he's an atheist. It's one of those things where at this point, you either do or you do not and then you decide how big of a deal is it for you and how it's going to affect other aspects of your life. Your family shouldn't influence what you do, but at the same time, if you're tight with them and they are into their Catholicism, a lot of problems are going to arise.
Just think it over and talk to him about this stuff.
The couples who I've seen make the religious differences work the best are when each party more or less pays lip service to the religion and doesn't really believe in it.
You should really consider the fact he doesn't want to raise the kids Catholic. Is he going to scoff at you going to get your kids baptized and confirmed in the church? Will he be annoyed with holiday celebrations? Also, you say you keep trying to accept he's an atheist. It's one of those things where at this point, you either do or you do not and then you decide how big of a deal is it for you and how it's going to affect other aspects of your life. Your family shouldn't influence what you do, but at the same time, if you're tight with them and they are into their Catholicism, a lot of problems are going to arise.
Just think it over and talk to him about this stuff.
Hilly
Well-known member
thanks girls. its just such a hard call. To be honest...and i know this prolly sounds hypocritical or bad or whatever, but To me, raising the kids catholic means baptising them and then just sharing my values and morals. not necessarily making them go to church or even doing the other sacraments. The only reason I took the other sacraments, was because I was in catholic school and had to. I dont regret them at all. Ive taken the catholic religion and kindof picked and choosen what I like and want to belive (which ispretty independant Christian).
I hate having a label that connotates craziness to some people (like the extremists my fiance takes note of).
Gah. Cant we all just get along lol.
Thanks for letting me vent. My eyes are puffy from crying last night. So I will definitely need some good looking makeup today!
I hate having a label that connotates craziness to some people (like the extremists my fiance takes note of).
Gah. Cant we all just get along lol.
Thanks for letting me vent. My eyes are puffy from crying last night. So I will definitely need some good looking makeup today!
MisStarrlight
Well-known member
Quote:
Have you expressed this to him? I am not religious by any stretch of the word, but I was baptized. I don't think it really helped or hurt me. I went to church when I was little, but since then I have been able to make my own decisions about it all.
I would think that if you fiancee is open-minded about your religion that he should also be open to your ideas of how to raise your children. (Hearing that they must be raised Catholic can be very scary) But if you just expose them to your religion and allow the topic to be discussed openly & intelligently rather than forcing it down their throats, that's a lot easier to accept.
| Originally Posted by hdirenzo
thanks girls. its just such a hard call. To be honest...and i know this prolly sounds hypocritical or bad or whatever, but To me, raising the kids catholic means baptising them and then just sharing my values and morals. not necessarily making them go to church or even doing the other sacraments. The only reason I took the other sacraments, was because I was in catholic school and had to. I dont regret them at all. Ive taken the catholic religion and kindof picked and choosen what I like and want to belive (which ispretty independant Christian). I hate having a label that connotates craziness to some people (like the extremists my fiance takes note of). |
Have you expressed this to him? I am not religious by any stretch of the word, but I was baptized. I don't think it really helped or hurt me. I went to church when I was little, but since then I have been able to make my own decisions about it all.
I would think that if you fiancee is open-minded about your religion that he should also be open to your ideas of how to raise your children. (Hearing that they must be raised Catholic can be very scary) But if you just expose them to your religion and allow the topic to be discussed openly & intelligently rather than forcing it down their throats, that's a lot easier to accept.
Janice
Well-known member
Quote:
This is going to be a huge issue later when kids come into the picture, it seems short sighted that this isn't really an issue of contention currently. This might be a good thing that the church is providing pre-marital counseling, it seems like more discussion is needed on this subject between you two. Not saying you shouldn't marry him, if he's "the one" then you two should be able to gain more clarity on stances so it doesn't rear an ugly head later in life.
Best of luck on getting your dream wedding in the church of your choice.
| Originally Posted by hdirenzo
When you are marrying in the Catholic church to a non-catholic, the catholic must raise the kids catholic. I have no problem with this, but he does. He thinks they should make their own decisions regarding religion.
Gahhh!! |
This is going to be a huge issue later when kids come into the picture, it seems short sighted that this isn't really an issue of contention currently. This might be a good thing that the church is providing pre-marital counseling, it seems like more discussion is needed on this subject between you two. Not saying you shouldn't marry him, if he's "the one" then you two should be able to gain more clarity on stances so it doesn't rear an ugly head later in life.
Best of luck on getting your dream wedding in the church of your choice.
giz2000
Well-known member
Just a question:
Are you absolutely, positively stuck on the idea of getting married in the Catholic church? Is there any chance of you and your fiance compromsing on this?
You've gotten some great advice from the others. I know it's not an easy situation to be in, but the both of you have to weigh everything and decide what's best for the two of you. Please keep us posted....
Are you absolutely, positively stuck on the idea of getting married in the Catholic church? Is there any chance of you and your fiance compromsing on this?
You've gotten some great advice from the others. I know it's not an easy situation to be in, but the both of you have to weigh everything and decide what's best for the two of you. Please keep us posted....
Hilly
Well-known member
Thanks so much girls. I TRULY appreciate it.
I called the priest who is preparing us and left a message voicing my concerns. I hope to hear from him soon.
Getting married in the church is important to me, BUT my fiance's feelings are more important and I want him to feel comfortable.
He is definitely compromising by participating in the marriage prep and all that and has been pretty good about it- but is now just freaking out about the raising the kids thing. He wants to make me happy, but is thinking about the future kids. I can respect that.
Maybe I am being selfish by wanting to get married in this church. I mean marriage isnt 100% the wedding....the wedding is just one day. A marriage is a LIFE TIME!!
This is so hard. But by being able to express all these concern on the forum and hearing yall's feedback is really helping me a lot with collecting my thoughts and stuff.
I called the priest who is preparing us and left a message voicing my concerns. I hope to hear from him soon.
Getting married in the church is important to me, BUT my fiance's feelings are more important and I want him to feel comfortable.
He is definitely compromising by participating in the marriage prep and all that and has been pretty good about it- but is now just freaking out about the raising the kids thing. He wants to make me happy, but is thinking about the future kids. I can respect that.
Maybe I am being selfish by wanting to get married in this church. I mean marriage isnt 100% the wedding....the wedding is just one day. A marriage is a LIFE TIME!!
This is so hard. But by being able to express all these concern on the forum and hearing yall's feedback is really helping me a lot with collecting my thoughts and stuff.
Raerae
Well-known member
Quote:
Can't you do that w/out baptising them?
I think having good morals and values is not something thats church specific. You can be a good person and know right from wrong, not to hurt other people, to be kind, compasionate, and gentle, w.out being a subscriber to the local church's agenda. If your not planning on ever taking them to church, communion, sacraments, etc. Are they really even Catholic? Just splashing some water on your babies forhead doesn't make them religious.
| Originally Posted by hdirenzo
thanks girls. its just such a hard call. To be honest...and i know this prolly sounds hypocritical or bad or whatever, but To me, raising the kids catholic means baptising them and then just sharing my values and morals. not necessarily making them go to church or even doing the other sacraments. |
Can't you do that w/out baptising them?
I think having good morals and values is not something thats church specific. You can be a good person and know right from wrong, not to hurt other people, to be kind, compasionate, and gentle, w.out being a subscriber to the local church's agenda. If your not planning on ever taking them to church, communion, sacraments, etc. Are they really even Catholic? Just splashing some water on your babies forhead doesn't make them religious.
*Luna*
Well-known member
Quote:
I am in complete agreement here. I would never tell you what to do or anything like that but I will give you my personal opinion. I personally don't know if I could marry out side of my religeon. I suppose mainly becuase it severly effects the things Shimmer mentioned above. The way the entire household is run will be completely seperate from the way your home life was as a child and the way you may think things are going to be after marriage.
My husband and I are both Christian. We just had our first anniversary on Sunday and let me tell you that with everything else going on our first year of marriage, religeous tension of any sort would have killed us. Thats not saying our relationship is bad by any means but I'm not going to lie, marriage is stressfull to begin with. There are a lot of adjustments that will be made as you try and define who you are as a family, and how you want to nurture that bond.
Just try to think about the future as far as your future children are concerned and how they will be raised. Make sure you open those lines of communication NOW so that you are on the same page. Children may be the last thing on your mind right now but if you don't have these conversations they could tear you apart later.
Me personally... I would have a hard time living my life knowing that my husband wouldn't be beside me in heaven after we pass.
Regardless of your decisions I wish you the best of luck in marriage. It's a beautiful thing and I hope you have many happy years of love and laughter.
| Originally Posted by Shimmer
My brother married outside our religion. It's been a trial, and I'll just say that a LOT of problems have been caused because of the difference in the religions. The kids, home roles, whatever, and it's honestly something I would really think about as far as how important my religion is to me, what role I want it to have in my life and how I want my kids raised. I'm by no means saying dump the guy or anything like that but I am saying that the problems you face are huge. |
I am in complete agreement here. I would never tell you what to do or anything like that but I will give you my personal opinion. I personally don't know if I could marry out side of my religeon. I suppose mainly becuase it severly effects the things Shimmer mentioned above. The way the entire household is run will be completely seperate from the way your home life was as a child and the way you may think things are going to be after marriage.
My husband and I are both Christian. We just had our first anniversary on Sunday and let me tell you that with everything else going on our first year of marriage, religeous tension of any sort would have killed us. Thats not saying our relationship is bad by any means but I'm not going to lie, marriage is stressfull to begin with. There are a lot of adjustments that will be made as you try and define who you are as a family, and how you want to nurture that bond.
Just try to think about the future as far as your future children are concerned and how they will be raised. Make sure you open those lines of communication NOW so that you are on the same page. Children may be the last thing on your mind right now but if you don't have these conversations they could tear you apart later.
Me personally... I would have a hard time living my life knowing that my husband wouldn't be beside me in heaven after we pass.
Regardless of your decisions I wish you the best of luck in marriage. It's a beautiful thing and I hope you have many happy years of love and laughter.
*Luna*
Well-known member
Quote:
I am sorry but you're husbans feelings should not be more important to you. In church GOD comes first, ALWAYS, before your spouse. I honestly don't think that you are being selfish. I think that it's important that you are voicing your concerns but don't lose sight of what is important to you, EVER... especially when it comes to this. The wedding is just one day, yes thats true, but how you spend that day will be remembered for a life time also.
| Originally Posted by hdirenzo
Getting married in the church is important to me, BUT my fiance's feelings are more important and I want him to feel comfortable. Maybe I am being selfish by wanting to get married in this church. I mean marriage isnt 100% the wedding....the wedding is just one day. A marriage is a LIFE TIME!! |
I am sorry but you're husbans feelings should not be more important to you. In church GOD comes first, ALWAYS, before your spouse. I honestly don't think that you are being selfish. I think that it's important that you are voicing your concerns but don't lose sight of what is important to you, EVER... especially when it comes to this. The wedding is just one day, yes thats true, but how you spend that day will be remembered for a life time also.
SingFrAbsoltion
Well-known member
Wow this sounds like a hard situation. I'm atheist myself and I'd like to be with someone who is atheist as well. Religion is a touchy subject, and it helps a lot to have similar views.
However it seems like both of you are making some sacrifices and that shows how much you care for each other. Your fiance is willing to go though with the ceremony, and you accept the fact that he doesn't believe in god. It's really good that you have this understanding. You can't change his beliefs and he can't change yours. The best you can do is just respect each other.
However it seems like both of you are making some sacrifices and that shows how much you care for each other. Your fiance is willing to go though with the ceremony, and you accept the fact that he doesn't believe in god. It's really good that you have this understanding. You can't change his beliefs and he can't change yours. The best you can do is just respect each other.
pumpkincat210
Well-known member
I'm in a situation like this myself. I'm an atheist and my husband is not. We've been married 5 years. We got married in a church, i didn't mind because it was important to him and i honestly didn't care because i don't believe in god, its just a building to me, although i do respect it. Our kids don't go to church, but we make sure to teach them right from wrong, to be spiritual in their own ways and that is what is important to us together, but they must must be communicated with your partner otherwise it won't work. It's little sacrifices. And if he can't deal with that, you might want to look for someone who shares your beliefs.
Hilly
Well-known member
This afternoon, I just called the priest marrying us amd asked if it was ok that Paul is atheist. He said sure. As long as there is one Catholic person, then he'll do it. PHEW!
Secondly, I asked about the kids. He said how you raise them in the faith is how you're going to raise them. I asked about having the kids take their sacraments and wondered if they have to. He said it would be nice, but no. Again PHEW!
I then spoke to a co-worker who went through this and she helped me a lot by showing it was ok and that having this struggle is going to help us make decisios and learn more about each other.
I am feeling a lot better. Now I cant wait for him to get home so I can tell him my new findings to ease his mind
Secondly, I asked about the kids. He said how you raise them in the faith is how you're going to raise them. I asked about having the kids take their sacraments and wondered if they have to. He said it would be nice, but no. Again PHEW!
I then spoke to a co-worker who went through this and she helped me a lot by showing it was ok and that having this struggle is going to help us make decisios and learn more about each other.
I am feeling a lot better. Now I cant wait for him to get home so I can tell him my new findings to ease his mind
Hilly
Well-known member
Quote:
Excellent point!
| Originally Posted by Raerae
Can't you do that w/out baptising them? I think having good morals and values is not something thats church specific. You can be a good person and know right from wrong, not to hurt other people, to be kind, compasionate, and gentle, w.out being a subscriber to the local church's agenda. If your not planning on ever taking them to church, communion, sacraments, etc. Are they really even Catholic? Just splashing some water on your babies forhead doesn't make them religious. |
Excellent point!
