Does judgement=jealousy?

[MAC_Pixie04]

I try not to talk about my relationship stuff with my single friends, especially my single friends who don't have long-term relationships because I feel like they won't be able to relate and I'd throw out any advice they gave me anyway.

So, as i posted before, my boyfriend and I have seriously discussed getting engaged, and we plan to get a place together after I finish with school and can start working full time. We're young, yes, 21 and 22. We've been together for nearly 3 years, and I can honestly say we have been through A LOT together, most of it a lot of people don't know because it's heavy stuff.

I've noticed when I share this information with my friends in relationships, they're extremely happy for me and offer up advice, which I appreciate. Most of my friends are older than me, so I'm more inclined to listen to them, especially if they are in or have been in long-term relationships like me.

When (big IF also) I tell my friends who aren't in relationships, most of them have negative things to say. A few examples:
"You guys are too young, wait a few years."
"You haven't even lived with a guy, you're not ready to be engaged or get married."
"Relationships start to fall apart when people live together, hope you're ready for that."

Why can't people just be happy for happy people? Or just don't say anything to me at all? I can't help but think the same people who are single and don't have positive things to say about what's going on with me (And usually, they're the ones who ask, I don't just blurt out my business) are jealous. I don't mean jealous of ME, but jealous of people who are happy in love in general. I know not all people who are single are bitter, because when I was single, I was absolutely fine with it. I was free to do what I wanted with who I wanted. Some people are single and enjoy it, and more power to them. I mean, if you ask me about my relationship and I tell you about it, why have something negative to say?

Yes, my boyfriend and I are younger than most people who get married these days. But if we both know what we want, why shouldn't we pursue it? I know people in their 30s who've never experienced love and are out there sleeping around filling a void. Or people who are making babies they can't take care of with people they're not in relationships with. Some of these people I mention are the same people who turn their nose up at my happiness.

What is UP with that?

 

[NicksWifey]

I think there's nothing wrong with you and your man wanting to take the next step in your relationship. You guys have been together for a long time, and I think that's great

However, as a taken engaged woman (who has relationship problems, you know cause you've posted on my threads before

) I will offer some advice. You said in one of the comments from your single friends about you all not living together, so I'm assuming you don't. Honestly, I think it is best to move in with someone first before you take it the next step. We did it sorta ass backwards, got engaged and then moved out a few months later together. I've learned a lot more than I ever cared to know about my fiance since moving in with him. We have really good days and really bad days, but no relationship is perfect. It just wouldn't be normal to get along every single freaking day.
I just think that when you move in with someone and you've been in a serious relationship with them for a while, it's good to always learn more, cause I sure as hell have. I never thought that living with someone would be so hard, but so rewarding at the same time.

I'll admit, a couple of years back when I was single and just bouncing around to get my freak on between guys, I was miserable and envious of those who were in really good & stable relationships. I don't think all single people are bitter either, but I do think there is a certain degree of jealousy going on.

The thing is, people are going to be jealous regardless. Do not let them stand in your way or get you down

 

[pat]

I don't think your friend are jealous, maybe just concerned for you.

Since you're friends are older I think they're just trying to look out for you and giving you their honest opinion. I'm guessing they don't want your relationship to fail and end up in divorce (me basing this on divorce rates of those in their 20s). Maybe they think you're rushing into things and just don't want to see you hurt in the end.

With that being said, you and your bf should feel free to do whatever you want because it's you and him, not you, him, and the world...

 

[COBI]

I am currently single, and I don't exude happiness when a particular coupled friend talks about taking the next step because the relationship (although long) is not healthy for her (short version: bad times outweigh the good). I am not saying this is the case with your relationship at all, but I know when I am honest with my friend about waiting and maybe it's not the right time, etc., it has nothing to do with jealousy.

I am very happy for my friends who are in healthy, loving relationships. However, many of the people are know are not really in relationships that are actually good for them and/or their SO. Any voiced concerns are exactly that: concern for my friend versus jealousy. Unfortunately, it is generally not what they want to hear, so in the end, I try to be supportive, but I don't pretend that I think it's great when it's really not.

Loving someone doesn't mean they are the right person for us, and often, we can't see that while we are in the relationship.

Just a single girl's viewpoint.

Best of luck!

 

[Cinci]

I used to have a friend like that.. stressing the word USED to.. Her and I were friends for years.. I was in a shitty on and off again relantionship, and she was single.. a few years later, I got rid of the crappy guy, and eventually started dating someone new.. this friend had nothing but negative things to say about him.. She put him down, put me down for being with him, rained on my parade anytime I had something good or happy to say, etc. Now, normally I would have listened to my friend's concerns.. Except she was way off base with this one.. All of my other friends adore the new boyfriend... He's honest, thoughful, respectful, and puts me first.. He's the best boyfriend I have ever had, and I trust him 100%. Side Note: Not to mention, he's incredibly supportive of me.. For example, he actually told me that looking forward to seeing a MAC Pro store this weekend.. He's in Toronto working, and is flying me down for the weekend and we're going to hit up MAC.. He has even gotten to know the brush numbers of my favourite brushes, and color names of my favourite shades! See my "Best Boyfriend Ever Haul" thread for further proof of his supportiveness!

So anyways, This girl (I'll call her "single bitter girl",) got mad everytime I hung out with him, everytime I told her anything good, etc.. I told her once how he said he could see himself marrying me and having kids and how I thought that was really sweet.. And she proceeded to tell me how stupid I was, and how him and i would never work, that we're a terrible couple, and how she thinks him and I should never have kids - and that in her opinion, NONE of her friends should ever have kids.. I was really hurt by this.. I asked her why she thought these things, and she couldn't come up with one reason to back up her thoughts..

At that point I talked to all my other friends to see if maybe I was blind to something (which I knew deep down I wasnt - but her cold treatment and harsh words hurt me so bad i wanted to be sure).. Not one of my other friends agreed with her.. They all said she was completly wrong.. They also said that they had all noticed that everytime I was happy, she got angry and had to say rude things about my relationship.. Also, they pointed out instances where she had done the same thing to a mutual friend of ours, calling her ridiculous when she had gotten pregnant and saying how it was the biggest mistake of said mututal friend's life... We all came to the same agreement.. Single bitter girl was jealous and couldn't stand to see me happy.. Thinking back to how she was before the new boyfriend, it almost as if she liked when i was with the crappy ex, cause that meant I was single and unhappy like her...

So anyways, eventually I had enough of single bitter girls rude comments and negativity.. (Her negative comments and opinions even started to extend towards my best friend too... It got to the point where she didn't want to see me having fun with and being happy with anyone but her) I finally decided that I didn't need her as a friend anymore...

I'm not saying to ditch your friends.. What I am saying is I have experienced similar, and in my opinion, yes, it's jealousy... I don't know why some people are just like that... It's crappy to hear that they are being so thoughtless and IMO, shitty friends... you deserve friends who are supportive and happy for you when things go well.. If your friends can't be happy seeing you happy, what kind of friendship is that? Didn't their mothers teach them that if they can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all?

 

[MAC_Pixie04]

Quote:

Originally Posted by NicksWifey I think there's nothing wrong with you and your man wanting to take the next step in your relationship. You guys have been together for a long time, and I think that's great However, as a taken engaged woman (who has relationship problems, you know cause you've posted on my threads before ) I will offer some advice. You said in one of the comments from your single friends about you all not living together, so I'm assuming you don't. Honestly, I think it is best to move in with someone first before you take it the next step. We did it sorta ass backwards, got engaged and then moved out a few months later together. I've learned a lot more than I ever cared to know about my fiance since moving in with him. We have really good days and really bad days, but no relationship is perfect. It just wouldn't be normal to get along every single freaking day. I just think that when you move in with someone and you've been in a serious relationship with them for a while, it's good to always learn more, cause I sure as hell have. I never thought that living with someone would be so hard, but so rewarding at the same time. I'll admit, a couple of years back when I was single and just bouncing around to get my freak on between guys, I was miserable and envious of those who were in really good & stable relationships. I don't think all single people are bitter either, but I do think there is a certain degree of jealousy going on. The thing is, people are going to be jealous regardless. Do not let them stand in your way or get you down

Well, I agree with that, which is why we're planning a longer engagement than most people have, and I honestly feel better if we move in together already having committed to being ready for the next step in our relationship. I know so many people who start living with someone right away, and it gets messy when they break up, because there's separating the rent and bills and the things in the house, and sometimes because trying to find another affordable place to live in this town or a roommate is hard, the ex becomes the roommate, and I just don't want to end up in that kind of situation. We spend a lot of time together already, we just don't have our own place where it's just the 2 of us constantly. Reason being, I'm finishing school and can't afford it until I'm done in December.

Quote:

Originally Posted by patty0411 I don't think your friend are jealous, maybe just concerned for you. Since you're friends are older I think they're just trying to look out for you and giving you their honest opinion. I'm guessing they don't want your relationship to fail and end up in divorce (me basing this on divorce rates of those in their 20s). Maybe they think you're rushing into things and just don't want to see you hurt in the end. With that being said, you and your bf should feel free to do whatever you want because it's you and him, not you, him, and the world...

The thing is, it doesn't feel like concern or care. It feels like disdain; the eye rolling and immediate commentary. When I'm concerned for someone, you can hear it in my voice, and I select my words specifically. The kinds of things I'm hearing are just negative words flying out of people's mouths. And I guess it's the whole hindsight thing, maybe if they were in a similar situation and it didn't work out and now that they know how to navigate it, they feel they can comment, but it's the way things are said. And some of my friends, like I said, are out in the world just doing dumb shit they're too old to be doing. Like irresponsible things, like having babies they're not ready for with men they hardly know, and I don't pass judgement on them at all because it's not my situation to judge.

I dunno, maybe I'll just start keeping things to myself from now on.

I agree, if you can't say anything nice, just shut up lol I might get that made into a shirt.

 

[aziajs]

I think your friends just have a different perspective. It's a double-edged sword. They aren't in your relationship so they can see things you don't. Then, they aren't in your relationship so they can't see things you do. *shrugs*

 

[M.A.C. head.]

Well, let's see...

I don't know you at all, but from what I CAN gather, you're a very intelligent young woman. You have goals and dreams and you know how to achieve them, and you ARE. If taking that next step with a man that you have mutual love, compassion, and understanding for is a choice that you're serious about making, I vote GO FOR IT.

But that's not what the thread is about! So forgive me for digressing. Since you've explained the tone and attitude in which your friends are speaking on your situation, I think maybe it's more about being jaded than being jealous. Maybe some of them have made dumb ass mistakes and they think that you are falling into the same path; but the difference is that your relationship with your man is much more serious and committed, but to them all they see is the BS they got themselves into. Or maybe the ones who have never experienced are looking at your situation from their own POV and maybe they wouldn't be able to handle it.

 

[zeroxstar]

I have a sort of double opinion on this - I'm 23 and I've been w/ my bf for almost 5 years, and often I'm met with the "wow that long? you're so young" comments and others like it, and yes, mostly they come out of jealousy and other times maybe because others haven't had a relationship to match and so don't understand.. but, at the same time, people sometimes have aversions to young people getting married because it is true that sometimes "younger" couples can be rash and rush into marriage just because they think "oh we've been together this long, we have to take another step" - I'm not saying this is your situation AT ALL, just saying the statistics make some people extra judgmental.

My own personal opinion is if you plan on being with your guy/girl for the rest of your life.. what's the rush? As far as I'm concerned, I want to have my life sorted out before my bf and I take another step in our relationship.. but if we were ready now, I'd do it and not let age stop me.

Anyways, all that to say, don't let what people say bug you - they are judging based on jealousy or on other couples they know, but hey it will be that much more fun proving them wrong with you celebrate your 25th anniversary right?

 

[M.A.C. head.]

^^^

I agree with that. I'm 22 years old and I've been with my fiance for years, and we have a daughter together. Our daughter was planned, but our wedding still has yet to be. *shrugs* People automatically assume that we're either getting married really soon or that we're not really serious about being together because we're not planning on getting married really soon LOL

We're two people in love, we're two parents in love, and our baby girl is our eternal common bond. I do want to marry him, I think about it all the time, but I'm not in a rush. IDK why.

 

[zeroxstar]

^^ yeah, honestly the comment my bf and i get the MOST is when are you getting married? it's like... the opposite judgment as this case... can't we be together a long time and just be happy the way things are, with plans to in the future when we have our lives figured out?? It's like some people are like omg you're relationship is going to expire if you don't take it to the next level! That kind of judgment is as annoying as the kind where they say you are too young to marry (although i do think under 18 is just crazy)

 

[Lizzie]

I think it really depends on how your friends saying those things or the context in which they're saying it. I'm the kind of person who usually gives people the benefit of the doubt, but only you can gauge how what they're saying makes you feel.

Similarly only you (and your SO) can truly gauge if you're ready to be engaged/married. I wouldn't pay too much mind to what they're saying (if at all possible).

 

[*Stargazer*]

People have projection issues that they are applying to their view of your relationship. Screw them. If they seriously can't say anything nice or congratulatory, then they aren't good friends.

If you know that what you are doing is right, then that's all that matters. Some people shouldn't marry young, some people can. It's none of their damn business.

 

[Beauty Mark]

Can't say for certain. If you mostly discuss negative things about your boyfriend, I could see where they get the idea that it isn't a good idea.

However, I don't think you do. I've mentioned before that one of my friends used to get upset that the other friend had a boyfriend. She'd go out of her way to villify and judge the guy. In that case, it was jealousy and insecurity. She did want to be in a relationship and surrounding herself with like people made her feel like being single was fine.

 

[LoveMU]

Wether your friends are jealous or jaded, it's not there place to make you feel like crap about your life decisions. Ultimately, being happy is what counts and if this guy makes you happy, then you shouldn't listen to people being negative.

it's important to fully think through a major decision like marriage, and it seems like you have. People are very jaded with love, but it's not like it doesn't happen!

I just started seeing a guy myself and I feel like my friends are already negative about it. it's like, my god, how perfect does a person have to be in order to win ur approval. Guess what, you're not perfect either and neither am I! But i digress lol

 

[MAC_Pixie04]

Thanks for the input. I mean, I could see if I always talked negatively about my relationship how stupid it would sound if I said I was talking about getting married. And it's that reason that I keep any minor blips in my relationship to myself, because I don't need a one of my friends to throw it back in my face later when things are going good (people like doing that.)

It's not that I engage in these conversations with my friends because I expect them to be like "OMG! How exciting! Yay you yay you!!" I really don't. In fact, I've mostly kept it to myself and only my very closest friends for that reason, I don't need anybody freaking out and making it a bigger deal than it is. yes, we've talked about getting engaged, but we aren't engaged yet. It could be a few months or even into next year before he decides to actually pop the question, and it'll be awhile before we can actually get married because we wanna make sure we can afford to take care of ourselves and treat ourselves to a nice, simple wedding, among other important factors.

I guess I just feel like if someone asks you about something, and you tell them what's going on, they all of a sudden act like they don't wanna hear it or that they know so much that they can make condescending remarks and give their opinion. Like I said before, I've never judged my friends or gave my unwanted opinion (and I've had plenty) regarding some of the things they've done and told me about, because I feel that my position as a friend is not to judge, or look down on them, or give my opinion; it's simply to be there for them as a listener and a shoulder, and give my opinions or advice only when it's asked for.

 

[florabundance]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MAC_Pixie04 Why can't people just be happy for happy people?

.

But you know what, what they say is so irrelevant because there are no relationship "rules", imo. What works for some doesn't work for others, and people who have had negative experiences can sometimes play like that equates some kind of relationship wisdom.
To me, unless you are with a couple 24/7, at home with them, on the phone with them, out with them - you can never understand their dynamic and what makes their relationship what it is.
And lord knows there are too many people around who love to act like they know everything about everything.
So, seriously, take comments like that with a pinch of salt and say something like "oh..way to be supportive"

 

[Beauty Mark]

Quote:

I guess I just feel like if someone asks you about something, and you tell them what's going on, they all of a sudden act like they don't wanna hear it or that they know so much that they can make condescending remarks and give their opinion.

For me, that totally depends on the situation. But usually, I try to hear them out on why they think x,y, or z is a good decision before I say something.

As a friend, I do feel like I should say something if someone is doing something really, really crazy. I feel like friendship is looking out for each other, which is sometimes giving them advice they don't want. At the same time, I try to be polite and nice about it, unless it's 100% stupid and/or dangerous. I also try not to bring up subjects that I know I don't agree with the person on (like my friend's "acting/modeling career") or shut up when someone else brings it up and try to say something positive or polite.

It might scare the hell out of them if you "What specifically about my boyfriend and me makes you think that this is a bad idea?" I bet they won't think of much, if anything

 

[NutMeg]

I really think it depends on the friendship. There are people in my life where if they started going off on how terrible my relationship with my bf is, I would just tune out and move on. If other people were to express concern however... I'd be taking a damn good look at how we are together to make sure it wasn't just something that they misunderstood or whatever.