Engagement Issues

[Cydonian]

I have limited posts here but going back and reading prior forums -- it seems like you ladies give excellent advice and I think I need some.

Let me first say that my issue isn't with my engagement -- I'm madly in love with my fiance, but instead it's with my family.

My fiance and I have known each other for around 4 years, maybe a little longer. I was dating someone he was friends with and the guy really messed me up, and when all of our mutual friends decided to take my ex's side (he was one of those really convincing people... everyone gravitates to him), my fiance was the ONLY one of his friends that let me cry on the phone to him and vent. I never felt like he was doing it to try to get with me, he was genuinely being a friend and knew that my ex was a complete jerk to me.

Well, 4 years and some fleeting relationships later, I found his email addy (we lost touch for about a year) and contacted him to say hi. We immediately reconnected and talked that entire weekend, only pausing to sleep. Things just developed from there, completely unexpectedly and naturally.

I live in Virginia and my fiance lives in England. We've been together for almost a year, and he will be visiting again in about a week. I will admit that we got engaged because I wanted him to move here and the only way for him to do it was to do a fiance visa, meaning we have to get married within 3 months of him moving here. I have no problem with that -- we knew the minute we met in person that we were meant for each other. He should be here in mid to late June and we'll be getting married probably in July. The only people that will be there is my best friend (male) and my god sister. I've told one other person who is an old high school friend of mine, and I may ask if her and her fiance will come.

My parents don't even know -- I felt really strongly at first about not telling them as my parents are the lecturing type. I feel now like I could tell them and they would support me, they adore my fiance and my dad admitted that he's the only guy I've ever dated that he felt like was genuinely in love with me. He said he could see it. The main issue that stands is my brother and my sister in law. Now that I'm sort of okay with my parents, I feel like my brother would, for lack of a better word, go apeshit on me. My sister in law is also very, very judgmental and I know she would have a field day if she found out.

They judge me on everything -- everything I do is "stupid" and "why are you doing that?". Even the smallest things, seriously. I know that I don't need their approval, but lately it feels like they are mocking me in terms of my relationship. I take my engagement very seriously, and recently my brother made a comment in reference to his upcoming trip "oh, haha, so that's when you guys are getting married?", and him and my sister in law proceeded to laugh hysterically for at least 10 minutes. My brother asked to borrow something that I needed for my fiance's visit, and when I got weird about it, he responded with "I'll have it back to you before your little boyfriend visits, chill."

It's stupid little rude comments like that that are driving me crazy. After they visited on Easter, I ended up on webcam with my fiance sobbing because I feel like they're mocking me, all the time. It's damaging our relationship (me and my fiance's, and me and my brother's) and I don't know what to do. Anytime I've had problems (unrelated) in the past and tried to talk to my brother, he'll do the fake sniffle and cry thing and laugh at me, then tell me to suck it up and grow up. That's just how he is. I sort of want my parents to facilitate some kind of serious talk but I don't know if that would help.

Any advice is greatly appreciated, and sorry for ranting so much! I also have a few close friends that sort of make fun of the relationship as well and I think that's affecting me too. I had a friend who, when I told her I wanted to hang out before a certain time and be home by a different time to have all of 15 mins to chat with my fiance, she said "god, that's just too much work."

Ugh. Just ugh.

 

[marusia]

I'd just stop talking to your brother until he matures about the situation. Sometimes it's hard to stand your ground, but much better to in the end. I had a situation that I felt very strong about and my family disagreed. I'll share a little bit about it...
My fiance now, I'd met a year ago. We hung out every single day, and after two months, we decided to have sex for the first time...Two weeks later I found out I was pregnant. My family kept telling me to get an abortion, how he was tattooed trash, we didn't know each other, blah blah blah. To make a long story short, keeping my daughter was the best decision I've ever made. My family is now close to my fiance and they love my daughter.
If you love this man, to hell with what everyone else thinks. It's your love, your life. Only you can live it, only you can make that decision. If they love and respect you, eventually they will come around as well.

 

[Shadowy Lady]

My honest answer would be that it's your decision. I personally wouldn't marry someone I had a long distance relationship with for less than a year. But everyone is different and as long as you're using your head in addition to your heart and know that he's the guy for you, go ahead with your decision. Everybody will come around once they see that you're happy. Ppl that don't are prob the ones that don't matter anyway

Best of luck to you

 

[dietcokeg]

As i can see from waht youve said your brother has always been like that for as long as you can remember and i know you want every1s approval esp when ur getting married but i think you should just accept that he'll always be like that. If i were you i would cut the communication with your brother (not completely) but dont discuss issues like that with him if its going to make you even more upset. maybe after you get married and he see's how loving you husband is he might change his mind - but dont get your hopes up. As long as you have your parents blessing dont let your brother put you down!

Wishing you a happily ever after!!

 

[purrtykitty]

If you think your parents will be supportive, you should definitely tell them, and then ask them to help you out with your brother. I think it all boils down to whether or not you really care about your brother's opinion. If you're going to go forward whether he approves or not, then I say ignore him completely. Don't even acknowledge his comments (or his wife's). Pretty soon they'll see it's not fun, and they're just making huge jackasses of themselves, especially if your parents could tell them to shut up.

On your wedding day, you need to surround yourself with the people who will love you and support your decision, and right now, that doesn't seem to include your brother.

I wish you all the best on a happy, healthy marriage and good luck!

 

[Cydonian]

Thanks for the responses so far ladies

They all made me smile, especially the good luck wishes!

 

[kaliraksha]

Your brother sounds like he is behaving the way you would have expected him to. Has he been like this with other boyfriends or is it because you're serious about your fiance?

I think you should be mature about it and have a serious conversation with him, tell him that this is the man that you love and that it's your life and you are going to do what makes you happy and you want his support but if he's not going to be supportive then he should just stay quiet and respect you and your new beau. Tell him you would do the same for him.

I wish you the best of luck and hope that with time your family will see just how happy you are with your fiance and realize that's all that matters.

 

[cazgh]

I have to agree - the relationship with you and your bro probably isnt going to change - maybe he has some other issues which are causing him to behave so negatively and although it hurts just try to step back from him - have contact with him but not in depth contact where you bare your soul to him or expect his support.

I wonder if maybe the sister in law isnt helping and is actually making the situation worse but if you can't get anything from them but pain you dont need them affecting your decisions as it wont be best for your well-being in the long run.

Maybe before you give up try one last time to talk to him about it, really calmly and without getting upset - and give examples of how he has belittled you, ask him why he has to do this - how he thinks a brother should really behave towards a sister and tell him that your going to step back because you find his behaviour quite hurtful - even though that will probably hurt you to some extent anyway.

True friends are very hard to come by - I heard a quote once that its possible to have hundreds of acquaintances, but if you had 5 people you could really trust and love in your life you are as rich as any person can be and for me this is definately true.

Whatever happens just ask yourself what you want from life, short term, mid term and long term and plan a route to your destination with or without your brother and try to put yourself first and take enjoyment from the little things.

Not everybody is a good person - thats just the way it is.

Hugs from me anyway - sometimes we all have to go through down patches - without them we wouldn't make any improvements or changes in our life - and when you get through to the other side - its usually always with a grin on your face and some new found skills and attributes that you didn't have before!! Use these negatives to set goals for positives and look forward to the future - your getting married hun to a wonderful man by all accounts and you should be looking forward to it - not worrying about other people and what they might think or say. If its causing you to worry find a way to reduce this stress.

Lastly weddings are big life changes and can be real stressful events when all sorts of things can start to lose perspective a little. I spent time worrying about whether people liked us enough to come to the wedding if we were going to pay for their food lol! And at the end of the day... So what... It wasn't about that it was about me and him saying those words and meaning it.

MEGA BIG HUGS from me!!!

 

[Cydonian]

Quote:

Originally Posted by kaliraksha Your brother sounds like he is behaving the way you would have expected him to. Has he been like this with other boyfriends or is it because you're serious about your fiance? I think you should be mature about it and have a serious conversation with him, tell him that this is the man that you love and that it's your life and you are going to do what makes you happy and you want his support but if he's not going to be supportive then he should just stay quiet and respect you and your new beau. Tell him you would do the same for him. I wish you the best of luck and hope that with time your family will see just how happy you are with your fiance and realize that's all that matters.

He's like this in general to be honest. He's a very negative person I guess, I mean... I can be too though. He can be okay but a lot of times he will knock me down and make fun of me, but when he wants to borrow one of my video games or something, he's my best friend. I don't exaggerate when I say that... he will literally put on this cutie fake smile when he asks me for something.

My mom thinks he got attached to my last boyfriend -- who is a really nice guy and I was with him for 3 years, but we weren't right for each other. He was too immature and we were at different stages in our lives. So I think maybe that's part of the animosity between us now, even though my brother said himself that my ex had a lot of maturing to do.

Thank you, again

I will consider trying to sit down and talk to him when I am in a proper mindset to do so. Maybe when my fiance is here... he has a way of being able to keep me calm so that I can work through things and maybe he can keep us from screaming at each other.

Quote:

Originally Posted by cazgh I have to agree - the relationship with you and your bro probably isnt going to change - maybe he has some other issues which are causing him to behave so negatively and although it hurts just try to step back from him - have contact with him but not in depth contact where you bare your soul to him or expect his support. I wonder if maybe the sister in law isnt helping and is actually making the situation worse but if you can't get anything from them but pain you dont need them affecting your decisions as it wont be best for your well-being in the long run. Maybe before you give up try one last time to talk to him about it, really calmly and without getting upset - and give examples of how he has belittled you, ask him why he has to do this - how he thinks a brother should really behave towards a sister and tell him that your going to step back because you find his behaviour quite hurtful - even though that will probably hurt you to some extent anyway. True friends are very hard to come by - I heard a quote once that its possible to have hundreds of acquaintances, but if you had 5 people you could really trust and love in your life you are as rich as any person can be and for me this is definately true. Whatever happens just ask yourself what you want from life, short term, mid term and long term and plan a route to your destination with or without your brother and try to put yourself first and take enjoyment from the little things. Not everybody is a good person - thats just the way it is. Hugs from me anyway - sometimes we all have to go through down patches - without them we wouldn't make any improvements or changes in our life - and when you get through to the other side - its usually always with a grin on your face and some new found skills and attributes that you didn't have before!! Use these negatives to set goals for positives and look forward to the future - your getting married hun to a wonderful man by all accounts and you should be looking forward to it - not worrying about other people and what they might think or say. If its causing you to worry find a way to reduce this stress. Lastly weddings are big life changes and can be real stressful events when all sorts of things can start to lose perspective a little. I spent time worrying about whether people liked us enough to come to the wedding if we were going to pay for their food lol! And at the end of the day... So what... It wasn't about that it was about me and him saying those words and meaning it. MEGA BIG HUGS from me!!!

Aw thank you! Seriously, what you said nearly made me cry. I forget that in the chaos of me being upset, I have an amazing person that wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I start to feel guilty, like I'm overshadowing the whole thing. But he stands by me, and I'm thankful for that.

I too think that my sister in law isn't helping -- she is a sweet girl and we are close in a way, but lately there's been a gap between us because of the way she acts towards me. I will get my hair dyed or post some new makeup look to my facebook and she never comments or anything, and it does hurt my feelings. But she will turn to a girl she barely knows at work and compliment her new profile picture. It's almost like she's been there, done the whole friends thing with me and now is looking to branch out and make new female friends... doesn't need to work at my friendship anymore. Truth is that I'm pretty upset and hurt by her, and I've been distancing myself due to it.

Anyway... thank you again. Good god, I ramble when I'm munching on my lunch.

 

[cazgh]

Anytime

 

[Janice]

Don't be so protective and secretive about your relationship. You're madly in love with someone who is madly in love with you! One of the greatest moments in life is quickly approaching, WHO CARES if people are judgmental? Live life out loud, be proud of your engagement and seriously tell your brother and his wife to sod off next time they laugh like that in your face.

Just my $.02

 

[Meisje]

I agree with Janice. And I understand why your brother's words and actions hurt you, but you CAN make a conscious decision not to put worth in his words. Just because someone says something about you, doesn't mean that you have to take it onboard and allow it to make you feel bad.

Tell your parents and let them share this with you.

 

[QueenBam]

Quote:

Originally Posted by dietcokeg As long as you have your parents blessing dont let your brother put you down!

MMMMMMMM HHHHHHHHHHHHHMMMMMMMMM AMEN SISTA

 

[Cydonian]

Thanks again everyone for the lovely responses -- I think I took a strong dose of don't give a sh*t this morning, because I'm really feeling like it doesn't matter. My fiance will be here in a week and that's all I care about right now