aziajs
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Hilarious! I read this about a month ago in The Onion. I haven't laughed so hard in a long time.
| Girl, That Man Ain't Right For You By Smoove B Love Man July 18, 2007 | Issue 43•29 | The Onion Girl, when I thought of you getting married to some other man, I nearly went out of my mind. As you know from the many voicemails I left on your machine, I did little during this time but cry out in anguish while lying on my circular bed. But when I heard this fiancé of yours was arrested for tax evasion shortly before your wedding, my heart skipped a beat. While I knew that your heart was breaking, which made my heart break as well, it also showed that there was another chance for us. I knew this arrest meant that the stars themselves were telling us that we were destined to be together. We two, who freak like two sides of the same coin, could soon be getting it on in every room in my penthouse apartment. But then, girl, instead of returning to my strong but unintimidating arms to enjoy heights of pleasure that few women will ever experience, you chose to start running around with another man. That this man was not Smoove hurt me more than you'll ever know. Damn. I will not dwell on the extremely painful and bewildering fact that this man of yours is a white boy, and not even a wannabe player or a record company executive. To add insult to Smoove's injury, he looks like a straight-up chump, the kind that would work at the most undignified gas station in town, one that I would never stop at if a lady such as you were riding in my car. Even from all the way across the Circuit City parking lot, I could tell he was not right for you. At this point, I would like you to imagine me down on both knees with my hands folded together in front of my full and very satisfying lips. I am begging you, girl. Leave this man before it is too late. Even if you were to date Antoine, whom you know I cannot stand anymore, it would hurt me less than to see you with this man. I do not mean to be petty, for you know that is beneath me, but I must point out that he was wearing a winter hat in the middle of the summer. What kind of man does this? The summer is a time to dress in light silk finery. It is not a time to bundle up. Everyone knows this. Please, girl, come back to the sexy side before it is too late. If you would only come back to me, I would take care of you. I would give you multiple baths to cleanse all the white boy off of you. Afterward, we would lie on my luxurious bearskin rug and watch black erotic cinema until late in the night. When you were hungry I would hand-feed you a meal, starting off with spring rolls and other finger foods, and working our way up to exotic fruits and other things that are covered in chocolate. When you are ready, I would hit you doggy-style—but only for half of the night. I am most sorry to say you will not be ready for an all-night encounter with Smoove for quite some time. It pains me to say it, but this other man has damaged you. Excuse me. Smoove has to take a deep breath. He is very upset. You may wonder why I want you back so badly if I believe you are tainted by this new man's foul touch? It is because I remember how fine you were back in the day. I know from experience that there was no woman in the city finer. And I know that all that fineness is waiting to spring forth once again. You just need some time with Smoove to get you back on track. If you are willing to go through my sexy 12-step program, I know that we can once again take lovemaking to the next level. When you are ready, we will be like lustful warriors riding two black steeds, traveling from kingdom to kingdom, conquering with our love until we control a vast empire that we will rule with a fair hand and smoldering sensuality. We will also have a pair of black panthers that will lay at our feet and won't attack anyone unless we command them to. I am once again on my knees and I am begging you to realize that this man will will not bring you the overwhelming ecstasy that I can. Please go to my website and look at the pictures of my apartment and some of the dishes I have created recently. It is my hope that this will remind you of the times we shared and the bliss you experienced over and over again in my bed and on my chaise lounge. Do you remember how that early morning sunlight seemed to say, "Damn, you two are doing it correct?" It can be like that again. I guarantee it. Hit me up on my cell, girl. The number is the same. |
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| I'm Totally Dating A Black Chick The Cruise By Jim Anchower July 18, 2007 | Issue 43•29 | The Onion Hola, amigos. What up? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but things got crazy, if you know what I mean. I got sacked from my job at that one electronics store. They said it was because I was unreliable, but it's really because my supervisor had a hard-on for making my life miserable. Every time I showed up 10 minutes late, he'd be on my jock telling me to call when I knew I was going to be late. Shit, if I knew when I was going to be late, I wouldn't be late. I ain't some fortune teller. They let me keep my shirt, so I went right over to another location and took a CD player. I know how to take off the tags, so I just put it in my shirt and walked out with it. That'll show them not to fire Jim Anchower. Anyway, getting fired didn't matter much, since I got a job the next week at another electronics store half a mile from the first one. I don't get much in the way of hours, but nobody goes to it, so I mostly just stand around and zone out. On top of that, I had to do a major overhaul on the Festiva. It was running a little weak, so I decided to give it a tune-up. Change the plugs, the rotor, distributor cap, the oil. Plus the backseat was all full of soda cups and burger wrappers, so I had to throw all that stuff out. Since I wasn't working, and I was short on cash, I took care of it myself. It only took two trips to the auto-parts store and a couple of hours, so I was all wrapped up by two o'clock. In my book, that's just the right time to take it out for a spin. So I was driving along, all laid back and listening to Led Zeppelin, and I saw this smokin' black chick standing by a broken-down Subaru trying to wave down a car for some help. My first thought was to leave her there, because it was her own fault for buying a Subaru, but then I thought about it: I've been there before, stuck on the street with a broke-down car, and people have picked me up. And I wasn't even hot like she was. I pulled over and watched her walk toward me. She had all the right parts in all the right places. Long black hair, nice face, and a set that bounced every step of the way. Seemed like the kind of chick that would usually cuss me out for looking at her rack, so I made sure not to do that. She got to the car and told me she was out of gas. I say no problem, I have a gas can and I can take her to get it filled up. So we drive to the gas station, just shootin' the breeze. Then, I drive her back to the car and make sure everything is working okay. She gets in and it starts right up, but she gets out and keeps talking to me. I don't even remember what we were talking about. We must have stayed there for 15 minutes, and then she says she has to go, but would I call her sometime. Later that night, I was sitting at home just trying to figure out what the fuck happened, when the phone rang. It's not like I was expecting a call, but I wasn't not expecting a call, so I picked up. This guy comes on and says, "Is this Jim Anchower?" Now, usually when someone says that, I hang up and don't answer the phone for the rest of the day, since anyone who uses my last name is some bill collector looking to corner me. But I was a little baked, so I say, "Yeah?" This guy comes back saying that this girl is nothing but trouble. It took me a while to figure out exactly who he was talking about. It ain't like I got girls crawling all over me, but I ain't even made out with the black chick yet. He told me that if I freaked her doggy-style it would be the biggest mistake I ever made. I'm gonna be straight: Until then, I hadn't thought about how I was going to freak her one way or the other, but no one tells Jim Anchower how not to freak someone. I would have told him so in so many words, but he kept on talking. He went on and on about how theirs was some kind of unicorn love, that he was a king and I was trying to come between him and his queen and that he was going to make some sort of feast for her and buy all kinds of sheets and pillows. I was waiting to get a word in, but after like 15 minutes of "love her up" this and "do her" that, I started to get a little worked up. So I hung up on him, and before he could call back, I gave her a call to see if she wanted to go out. She was busy, but she said that she would love to get together the next night. We went out to get a drink and it was cool and all. I was kind of worried that it would be weird because I've never gotten with a black chick, but it was just like we were hanging out. We even made out on my couch for a while, which is more action that I've gotten in like a year. Since then, we've gone out a few times. That dude, I guess he's her ex-boyfriend or something, keeps calling me and telling me I about how I shouldn't stand in the way of true love. He usually goes on like that for a minute and then starts wailing and moaning softly and talking about recipes and fabrics and shit. I got to get caller ID so I can screen him out. I hate to hear a grown man cry. It ain't dignified. |
Hilarious! I read this about a month ago in The Onion. I haven't laughed so hard in a long time.
