DevinGirl
Well-known member
I know...I literally posted an update yesterday. Well if you haven't noticed by now...things change & shift quickly in the life of the Touchtons. I have another update & it's tough. I'm trying to get things off my chest - so I thank you all in advance for reading & staying current on my soap opera...I mean life, heh. It's a long one - I can never keep anything short & to the point. *sigh*
Here goes:
Yesterday I was listening to one of my husband's songs while I was at work. Well there's one part in the song where he howls (yes, like a werewolf - it fits, I promise) & I felt the baby move. I know that the baby will begin to react to outside sounds & I was super excited that he/she reacted to my husband's music. So, I immediately dial my husband's cell to tell him. He was on another call & dropped in on the line to tell me that he was talking to Bobby's teacher & it wasn't good & hung up. *sigh* Bobby has terrible homework habits & I attributed it to not having any sort of normal/regular routine with homework when he lived with my mother. I thought that if we worked at it like we were doing he'd be okay. He always says that school went well & tells us a bit about his day. He never let on that there were problems. When my husband called me back & told me about their conversation, I felt like the wind had been let out of me.
The first question the Mrs. C asked was that if Bobby's previous school (in CO) had been a special needs school. I was shocked. Bobby is smart, always has been. She told my husband that he just doesn't seem to do his work. She'll give the whole class instruction & a task, then she'll make her rounds & come back to Bobby & he won't have a single thing done. She said that she has children in her class that don't speak English - that are ahead of Bobby. She'll ask Bobby why he doesn't get things done (not in a mean way, she's very sweet & patient) & he'll just stare at her & not answer. So no wonder she was thinking that he was at a special school. I just...feel so lost right now. I'm not stupid & I'm not naive. I knew there would be problems & things wouldn't be peaches & cream (they certainly haven't been), but this is still very hard.
The teacher wants to have him take a test to see where he's at academically. What I just chalked up to bad habits might very well be a learning problem. The only problem I have with that is that if you stand next to Bobby & have him do a math problem, he understands the concept & does it correctly. But the second you walk away & tell him to do it on his own (after you & he have completed 3 or 4 examples) he won't do it. You'll leave for 10 minutes...come back & he'll be starting at the paper. Like he's waiting for the answer to pop automatically in his head. I give him scrap paper & show him how to work out the problem & he'll do it in front of me, but he doesn't seem to have the capacity to retain what we were just doing if he's left alone. I know his confidence is utter crap.
He cannot do anything alone. I try to get him to draw (just for fun) in his room & he won't do it. Of course I love having him around Dave & I, but if he's expected to do something on his own...he shuts down. I know this will take work & I'm willing to do whatever's needed. The teacher wants to consult a guidance counselor & we're going to get him a tutor. We'll work double hard at home & go through what he learned at school & get him more & more accustomed to establishing good & healthy homework habits. I'm working to get him into therapy here. He has a counselor in CO, but she's utterly useless & after seeing Bobby for a year regularly, seems to know nothing about him. Bobby will open up to Dave about so much horrible stuff that went on at my mothers.
Then there's the other stuff. He has a problem wiping after going #2. This has been happening for awhile. My mother would talk about it & tell me that she's joke with Bobby about it. I'm sorry...it's not a joke & that's no way to handle it. I tell him that he needs to keep clean to keep healthy. It embarrasses him when we talk about it. I ask him what's more embarrasing: to have talks with me, or to have to rub cream on his rear end because he's got a diaper rash at 9 years old? Then we'd been finding his underpants with urine in them. He'd put them back into his drawer with his clean underwear. His bed was never wet, though...Dave & I still don't get that. We told him that it's okay if it happens sometimes. Dave wet the bed a few times when he was 10 & told Bobby about it, so Bob wouldn't feel horrible.
But then there was the issue of the trashcan that came up yesterday. After stripping his sheets to wash them, Dave still noticed that his room smelled like urine. Bobby has a little green wastebasket in his room. Dave smelled inside of it & was overwhelmed by the odor. After lying 2 or 3 times, Bobby admitted to peeing in his trashcan. He said he had to go really badly & didn't want to walk the extra 3 feet to his bathroom. He has his own bathroom by the way, he never has to wait for anyone. I asked if he ever did that at my mother's. He said a few times. *sigh*
The hard part for me is figuring out where are of these behaviors are coming from. I know part of it is the huge adjustment to coming to live with Dave & I in FL. I know he's still adjusting to seeing me as his mother & not his sister. Everytime my mother calls him she figures out some way to ask him (or have his friends) if he's ready to come 'home'. I know part is that he really had a wretched existence back at her house & didn't know any better. Having a certain lifestyle for 2+ years & now having to change. He's known her as his mother for his whole life (I told him the truth last year), but things started getting bad (as she started getting crazier & crazier) in the last 2. I know his confidence in himself is non-existent. He doesn't think he's good at anything. I tell him that's not true & he just has to try & believe in himself because I sure believe in him. Dave is wonderful to him & Bobby responds beautifully. Bobby will actually be more open with Dave & confide in him a bit more than me. We talked about having to try harder & asking for help yesterday & I hope Bobby got the point.
We're taking away his PSP & GameBoy - not as a punishment, but we explained so that he could focus more on school work. I tell him that he's got 3 jobs. School, Being a kid, & to have fun. When one of those 'jobs' isn't doing so well, we have to fix it right away. I tell him that we're a family & we have to work together. We're a team.
I don't get upset in front of Bobby, but I was a wreck last night. I was crying, throwing up...this stress is a lot for me. Dave, too. I just get afraid that if my mother catches wind of this right now, she'll just think that he can't do it here & complain to send him back. I don't doubt that some of the trouble is that this is hard to adjust to. But that doesn't mean you just give up right away. If he does go back, a majority of these problems will still be there...only they won't get fixed.
Whenever I try to tell her about Bobby's progress she cares about as much if I were telling her about paint drying. I attended a parent teacher conference with her (when Bobby was in 3rd grade) & the teacher did have some negative things to say & she looked like she didn't care. One of Bobby's issues was fibbing to the teacher about having work done when he didn't. I was mad, right there, I told Bobby to NEVER lie to a teacher. If you're not done with something, you have to be honest b/c you're only hurting yourself. I don't yell or anything, but I was firm with him. My mother did nothing. She does not care about that. She just sees Bobby has a thing, a possession that she's pissed she doesn't have anymore. He's suffering & a lot of it is her fault for letting him slip through the cracks. Now I'm the bad guy to her because I want to save him. She has sex in bed next to Bobby with a guy that sexually abused me (who is about 17 years younger than her, too) on more than one occasion according to Bobby.
We'll get through this though. We've been upfront with the lawyer, G.A.L. (lawyer just for Bobby), & I told them to forward my messages to his counselor. I'm not trying to hide anything. Hopefully they'll explain to my mother that this is no reason to panic, we just need to work it out. I don't know that will happen. Every phone conversation he has with my mother -she always says something inappropirate. It's hard on him, Dave, & me. I cannot have a phone conversation with my mother without throwing up afterward. I'm not even nauseous anymore b/c of the pregnancy. She never brings up the baby to Bobby. He sees it & gets upset about it. She's acting like it doesn't exist. It hurts him. Bah! I'm just so mad, sad, let down, disappointed, hurt...........................................but , I'm still glad he's here.
I'd take this over having to worry about him every day over there. I just have to keep praying that we get to keep this opportunity to try & help him. That no one in CO decides to do anything stupid & try to have him go back to CO. We have to fly up there in between semesters (Christmas Break) to have him meet w/ the counselor. She'll talk with him & make sure he's adjusting well & processing everything okay. I hope we are good by then. But then I get mad b/c him going back there is an option to him. With everything that went on, all of the bullshit she's put everyone though...& all the hurt she's unleashed on Bobby. I just don't get it.
I don't know if this is a vent or just...I dunno. I just am trying to pull myself together & not be discouraged. I know Bobby isn't acting out or being defiant (even his teacher says she knows he's not doing this to be defiant), I think he's a little lost right now. I feel all I can do is my best for him & let him know that he's not alone & we love him. I told him we'll do everything we possibly can to make sure he's safe, healthy, happy, & a good student. I meant it too. Please keep us in your thoughts/prayers.
Thank you.
Here goes:
Yesterday I was listening to one of my husband's songs while I was at work. Well there's one part in the song where he howls (yes, like a werewolf - it fits, I promise) & I felt the baby move. I know that the baby will begin to react to outside sounds & I was super excited that he/she reacted to my husband's music. So, I immediately dial my husband's cell to tell him. He was on another call & dropped in on the line to tell me that he was talking to Bobby's teacher & it wasn't good & hung up. *sigh* Bobby has terrible homework habits & I attributed it to not having any sort of normal/regular routine with homework when he lived with my mother. I thought that if we worked at it like we were doing he'd be okay. He always says that school went well & tells us a bit about his day. He never let on that there were problems. When my husband called me back & told me about their conversation, I felt like the wind had been let out of me.
The first question the Mrs. C asked was that if Bobby's previous school (in CO) had been a special needs school. I was shocked. Bobby is smart, always has been. She told my husband that he just doesn't seem to do his work. She'll give the whole class instruction & a task, then she'll make her rounds & come back to Bobby & he won't have a single thing done. She said that she has children in her class that don't speak English - that are ahead of Bobby. She'll ask Bobby why he doesn't get things done (not in a mean way, she's very sweet & patient) & he'll just stare at her & not answer. So no wonder she was thinking that he was at a special school. I just...feel so lost right now. I'm not stupid & I'm not naive. I knew there would be problems & things wouldn't be peaches & cream (they certainly haven't been), but this is still very hard.
The teacher wants to have him take a test to see where he's at academically. What I just chalked up to bad habits might very well be a learning problem. The only problem I have with that is that if you stand next to Bobby & have him do a math problem, he understands the concept & does it correctly. But the second you walk away & tell him to do it on his own (after you & he have completed 3 or 4 examples) he won't do it. You'll leave for 10 minutes...come back & he'll be starting at the paper. Like he's waiting for the answer to pop automatically in his head. I give him scrap paper & show him how to work out the problem & he'll do it in front of me, but he doesn't seem to have the capacity to retain what we were just doing if he's left alone. I know his confidence is utter crap.
He cannot do anything alone. I try to get him to draw (just for fun) in his room & he won't do it. Of course I love having him around Dave & I, but if he's expected to do something on his own...he shuts down. I know this will take work & I'm willing to do whatever's needed. The teacher wants to consult a guidance counselor & we're going to get him a tutor. We'll work double hard at home & go through what he learned at school & get him more & more accustomed to establishing good & healthy homework habits. I'm working to get him into therapy here. He has a counselor in CO, but she's utterly useless & after seeing Bobby for a year regularly, seems to know nothing about him. Bobby will open up to Dave about so much horrible stuff that went on at my mothers.
Then there's the other stuff. He has a problem wiping after going #2. This has been happening for awhile. My mother would talk about it & tell me that she's joke with Bobby about it. I'm sorry...it's not a joke & that's no way to handle it. I tell him that he needs to keep clean to keep healthy. It embarrasses him when we talk about it. I ask him what's more embarrasing: to have talks with me, or to have to rub cream on his rear end because he's got a diaper rash at 9 years old? Then we'd been finding his underpants with urine in them. He'd put them back into his drawer with his clean underwear. His bed was never wet, though...Dave & I still don't get that. We told him that it's okay if it happens sometimes. Dave wet the bed a few times when he was 10 & told Bobby about it, so Bob wouldn't feel horrible.
But then there was the issue of the trashcan that came up yesterday. After stripping his sheets to wash them, Dave still noticed that his room smelled like urine. Bobby has a little green wastebasket in his room. Dave smelled inside of it & was overwhelmed by the odor. After lying 2 or 3 times, Bobby admitted to peeing in his trashcan. He said he had to go really badly & didn't want to walk the extra 3 feet to his bathroom. He has his own bathroom by the way, he never has to wait for anyone. I asked if he ever did that at my mother's. He said a few times. *sigh*
The hard part for me is figuring out where are of these behaviors are coming from. I know part of it is the huge adjustment to coming to live with Dave & I in FL. I know he's still adjusting to seeing me as his mother & not his sister. Everytime my mother calls him she figures out some way to ask him (or have his friends) if he's ready to come 'home'. I know part is that he really had a wretched existence back at her house & didn't know any better. Having a certain lifestyle for 2+ years & now having to change. He's known her as his mother for his whole life (I told him the truth last year), but things started getting bad (as she started getting crazier & crazier) in the last 2. I know his confidence in himself is non-existent. He doesn't think he's good at anything. I tell him that's not true & he just has to try & believe in himself because I sure believe in him. Dave is wonderful to him & Bobby responds beautifully. Bobby will actually be more open with Dave & confide in him a bit more than me. We talked about having to try harder & asking for help yesterday & I hope Bobby got the point.
We're taking away his PSP & GameBoy - not as a punishment, but we explained so that he could focus more on school work. I tell him that he's got 3 jobs. School, Being a kid, & to have fun. When one of those 'jobs' isn't doing so well, we have to fix it right away. I tell him that we're a family & we have to work together. We're a team.
I don't get upset in front of Bobby, but I was a wreck last night. I was crying, throwing up...this stress is a lot for me. Dave, too. I just get afraid that if my mother catches wind of this right now, she'll just think that he can't do it here & complain to send him back. I don't doubt that some of the trouble is that this is hard to adjust to. But that doesn't mean you just give up right away. If he does go back, a majority of these problems will still be there...only they won't get fixed.
Whenever I try to tell her about Bobby's progress she cares about as much if I were telling her about paint drying. I attended a parent teacher conference with her (when Bobby was in 3rd grade) & the teacher did have some negative things to say & she looked like she didn't care. One of Bobby's issues was fibbing to the teacher about having work done when he didn't. I was mad, right there, I told Bobby to NEVER lie to a teacher. If you're not done with something, you have to be honest b/c you're only hurting yourself. I don't yell or anything, but I was firm with him. My mother did nothing. She does not care about that. She just sees Bobby has a thing, a possession that she's pissed she doesn't have anymore. He's suffering & a lot of it is her fault for letting him slip through the cracks. Now I'm the bad guy to her because I want to save him. She has sex in bed next to Bobby with a guy that sexually abused me (who is about 17 years younger than her, too) on more than one occasion according to Bobby.
We'll get through this though. We've been upfront with the lawyer, G.A.L. (lawyer just for Bobby), & I told them to forward my messages to his counselor. I'm not trying to hide anything. Hopefully they'll explain to my mother that this is no reason to panic, we just need to work it out. I don't know that will happen. Every phone conversation he has with my mother -she always says something inappropirate. It's hard on him, Dave, & me. I cannot have a phone conversation with my mother without throwing up afterward. I'm not even nauseous anymore b/c of the pregnancy. She never brings up the baby to Bobby. He sees it & gets upset about it. She's acting like it doesn't exist. It hurts him. Bah! I'm just so mad, sad, let down, disappointed, hurt...........................................but , I'm still glad he's here.
I'd take this over having to worry about him every day over there. I just have to keep praying that we get to keep this opportunity to try & help him. That no one in CO decides to do anything stupid & try to have him go back to CO. We have to fly up there in between semesters (Christmas Break) to have him meet w/ the counselor. She'll talk with him & make sure he's adjusting well & processing everything okay. I hope we are good by then. But then I get mad b/c him going back there is an option to him. With everything that went on, all of the bullshit she's put everyone though...& all the hurt she's unleashed on Bobby. I just don't get it.
I don't know if this is a vent or just...I dunno. I just am trying to pull myself together & not be discouraged. I know Bobby isn't acting out or being defiant (even his teacher says she knows he's not doing this to be defiant), I think he's a little lost right now. I feel all I can do is my best for him & let him know that he's not alone & we love him. I told him we'll do everything we possibly can to make sure he's safe, healthy, happy, & a good student. I meant it too. Please keep us in your thoughts/prayers.
Thank you.
