melliquor
Well-known member
Today marks a momentous occasion for me. I have been drug free for 7 years. I think this year is the first year I have ever been able to celebrate. Even after seven years, it is still a struggle for me. Not a struggle if I am going to use again but a struggle over my guilt and shame for my actions due to my drug addiction. I just think about so many years that I wasted doing drugs. I was on it for almost 9 years of my life. I wasted opportunities with my education, my family, and most importantly my daughter.
I was a drug addict since I was 17 until I was 26. I started when I was still in highschool. I don't know why I ever started but I was going out with this guy that was doing coke and I wanted to look cool to him. I started using and didn't think it was any big deal. I thought I could quit any time I wanted. Before I knew it, all my grades dropped from a 4.0 to a C average and I wasn't able to quit. All I thought about was getting high. I look back on all those years and don't remember much of anything. All I remember is getting high and the periods in between my paycheck. I remember my boyfriend beating my ass and the vicious cycle I was in. I wanted out but didn't know how to get out of the drugs and despair that I was in.
I was clean for 19 months while I was pregnant and until my daughter turned one. I still feel the intense guilt of starting again and putting her through the shit that I did. I caught my fiance cheating on me a few days after Katie turned one. It pushed me over the edge and I went back to coke again. It started slowly but in about 3 months time, I was fully back on it. Everytime I got high, I felt so much guilt that I was putting her through this but I wasn't able to stop not even for her. I loved her so much but I wasn't strong enough to quit again.
I still ask myself how I was able to stop cold turkey while I was pregnant but after I left her father, why I couldn't get off again. I still don't know the answer but I think I was trying to avoid how I felt about my life and everything that happened to me. Drugs is a way to escape and that is mostly why people start using them. I know that is why I started. I wanted to escape the hell of my childhood and the hell i was living in currently. Please don't think I am not taking responsibility for my actions because I am. I made the decision to get high and nobody else.
I finally decided to quit 2 days after I turned 26. I was seeing somebody new and was feeling better about myself. I don't really know what gave me that push to finally get clean but I did. I am grateful everyday that I was able to get off of drugs. Sometimes, I look back on my life and think what it would be like if I was using right now. My daughter is 11, almost 12, and she would know what I was doing. What kind of person that I would be right now. I heard of all kinds of horror stories about kids and drugs while I was using. I could really have fucked up her life. Sometimes, I think I am going to wake up and the last 7 years has been a dream and I will wake up in my shabby apartment coming down from the night before. That is how scared I am that I will go back to drugs. It terrifies me to even think about it.
I wish I could say I was drug and alcohol free for 7 years but I am not able to. After I got clean and stopped using drugs, I began drinking. I drank for 3 months after I stopped using drugs. I think I swapped one addiction for another. I was drunk every night after I quit. At 26, it was the first time I really discovered alcohol. I never liked alcohol due to my father being an alcoholic and even my grandfather died of alcoholism. Addiction runs in our family and any drug or drink is lethel for my sister and myself. I stayed away from drinking because I saw what it did to my father. I did stop drinking heavily after a few months but I was still a social drinker. I never realised that I shouldn't be drinking at all because alcohol is a drug. I never went to any meetings or asked anybody for help. I did it on my own. I didn't even tell my family until a few months after I quit.
I stayed drug free for six years from then. I moved to London with my husband and got a good job and started over again. I am still working at the same place for almost 6 years now. I make good money and love my job. I couldn't hold down a job before because I was always off sick or just didn't show up. Sometimes, I don't know how I paid the rent or any of my bills. I used to only work enough to buy the food and sometimes the rent. My mom helped me alot with money and I am ashamed to say that I used her alot and borrowed so much money from her. I feel like I am doing something with my life now and I have pulled myself together. I still have problems with guilt and shame and self-hatred but I am working past that part of myself everyday. Some days it is harder than other days but it is something that I have to do.
Unfortunately, I started drinking a year ago and drank again for about 3 months. I don't know why I started drinking heavily but I think I was going through something. I know I was very depressed and when I get like that, I feel like I can't cope and look for something to help me forget. I always avoid my feelings and never talk to anybody about anything. I keep everything private. I think alot of it is the shame I feel about my past. It has been a vicious cycle for me but I feel so much better than I ever have before. I haven't touched a drink in seven months. I am not even drinking socially now. I have realised that I can never drink, take any pills, or smoke weed due to my addiction problems. I will become addicted to anything that gives me that high that I remember. So today, I am celebrating being drug free for seven years and next year I will celebrate being alcohol free for a year. I still miss having a glass of wine or a cocktail but knowing what it does to me, I know I can never touch it again.
I think what I am afraid of most, is telling my daughter my story when she gets old enough. I want her to know what I have been through. I want to encourage her to never use drugs or to even drink. She has a stronger chance of being an addict because it is in her genes from me. In a few years, I will tell her my story and hope that she understands and she will find something positive instead of just seeing that her mother was a drug addict.
Sorry that this is so long but I wanted to share a bit of my story. I felt like I needed to talk about my life and what I have been through because today is one of the best days in my life. I am seven years clean. I NOW KNOW that I will never go back to that way of life again no matter how shit my life is at the moment. This year has been very hard on me and it drove me to such desperation that I was drinking myself to a slow death. I feel stronger that I have come out of it and I know can see the future. Thank you for reading and if anybody else has their own stories to share... please do so.
I was a drug addict since I was 17 until I was 26. I started when I was still in highschool. I don't know why I ever started but I was going out with this guy that was doing coke and I wanted to look cool to him. I started using and didn't think it was any big deal. I thought I could quit any time I wanted. Before I knew it, all my grades dropped from a 4.0 to a C average and I wasn't able to quit. All I thought about was getting high. I look back on all those years and don't remember much of anything. All I remember is getting high and the periods in between my paycheck. I remember my boyfriend beating my ass and the vicious cycle I was in. I wanted out but didn't know how to get out of the drugs and despair that I was in.
I was clean for 19 months while I was pregnant and until my daughter turned one. I still feel the intense guilt of starting again and putting her through the shit that I did. I caught my fiance cheating on me a few days after Katie turned one. It pushed me over the edge and I went back to coke again. It started slowly but in about 3 months time, I was fully back on it. Everytime I got high, I felt so much guilt that I was putting her through this but I wasn't able to stop not even for her. I loved her so much but I wasn't strong enough to quit again.
I still ask myself how I was able to stop cold turkey while I was pregnant but after I left her father, why I couldn't get off again. I still don't know the answer but I think I was trying to avoid how I felt about my life and everything that happened to me. Drugs is a way to escape and that is mostly why people start using them. I know that is why I started. I wanted to escape the hell of my childhood and the hell i was living in currently. Please don't think I am not taking responsibility for my actions because I am. I made the decision to get high and nobody else.
I finally decided to quit 2 days after I turned 26. I was seeing somebody new and was feeling better about myself. I don't really know what gave me that push to finally get clean but I did. I am grateful everyday that I was able to get off of drugs. Sometimes, I look back on my life and think what it would be like if I was using right now. My daughter is 11, almost 12, and she would know what I was doing. What kind of person that I would be right now. I heard of all kinds of horror stories about kids and drugs while I was using. I could really have fucked up her life. Sometimes, I think I am going to wake up and the last 7 years has been a dream and I will wake up in my shabby apartment coming down from the night before. That is how scared I am that I will go back to drugs. It terrifies me to even think about it.
I wish I could say I was drug and alcohol free for 7 years but I am not able to. After I got clean and stopped using drugs, I began drinking. I drank for 3 months after I stopped using drugs. I think I swapped one addiction for another. I was drunk every night after I quit. At 26, it was the first time I really discovered alcohol. I never liked alcohol due to my father being an alcoholic and even my grandfather died of alcoholism. Addiction runs in our family and any drug or drink is lethel for my sister and myself. I stayed away from drinking because I saw what it did to my father. I did stop drinking heavily after a few months but I was still a social drinker. I never realised that I shouldn't be drinking at all because alcohol is a drug. I never went to any meetings or asked anybody for help. I did it on my own. I didn't even tell my family until a few months after I quit.
I stayed drug free for six years from then. I moved to London with my husband and got a good job and started over again. I am still working at the same place for almost 6 years now. I make good money and love my job. I couldn't hold down a job before because I was always off sick or just didn't show up. Sometimes, I don't know how I paid the rent or any of my bills. I used to only work enough to buy the food and sometimes the rent. My mom helped me alot with money and I am ashamed to say that I used her alot and borrowed so much money from her. I feel like I am doing something with my life now and I have pulled myself together. I still have problems with guilt and shame and self-hatred but I am working past that part of myself everyday. Some days it is harder than other days but it is something that I have to do.
Unfortunately, I started drinking a year ago and drank again for about 3 months. I don't know why I started drinking heavily but I think I was going through something. I know I was very depressed and when I get like that, I feel like I can't cope and look for something to help me forget. I always avoid my feelings and never talk to anybody about anything. I keep everything private. I think alot of it is the shame I feel about my past. It has been a vicious cycle for me but I feel so much better than I ever have before. I haven't touched a drink in seven months. I am not even drinking socially now. I have realised that I can never drink, take any pills, or smoke weed due to my addiction problems. I will become addicted to anything that gives me that high that I remember. So today, I am celebrating being drug free for seven years and next year I will celebrate being alcohol free for a year. I still miss having a glass of wine or a cocktail but knowing what it does to me, I know I can never touch it again.
I think what I am afraid of most, is telling my daughter my story when she gets old enough. I want her to know what I have been through. I want to encourage her to never use drugs or to even drink. She has a stronger chance of being an addict because it is in her genes from me. In a few years, I will tell her my story and hope that she understands and she will find something positive instead of just seeing that her mother was a drug addict.
Sorry that this is so long but I wanted to share a bit of my story. I felt like I needed to talk about my life and what I have been through because today is one of the best days in my life. I am seven years clean. I NOW KNOW that I will never go back to that way of life again no matter how shit my life is at the moment. This year has been very hard on me and it drove me to such desperation that I was drinking myself to a slow death. I feel stronger that I have come out of it and I know can see the future. Thank you for reading and if anybody else has their own stories to share... please do so.
