Has this happened to you and how did you handle it?

[euphrosyne_rose]

Hey ladies.
I've got an issue I need some feedback on. I would appreciate any suggestions or ideas if anyone else out there has been in a similar situation or even if you think you can help me out.

I've posted about this before, but back in September I broke up with my b/f of little over a year. It's a long story but we broke up and pretty much agreed to go our separate ways. I asked that he not contact me at all. For a few weeks I did alot of thinking and realized I had not felt the same for him anyway that I did when we first got together. I loved him but not like I should love him and just felt like I had made the right decision b/c it wouldn't be fair to stay with him and not feel the same way about him anymore. I also realized that I had stayed with him for as long as I did b/c I felt like I should and b/c I felt guilty, I guess. Anyway, he started emailing me so I changed my email address. He then tried calling me, begging me to come back and that we could work things out. I called my cell phone provider and blocked his number. He then started messaging me on Myspace and I was irritated at this point so I did write back and told him how I felt and that it wouldn't be fair to stay with him when I didn't feel the same for him anymore and even apologized for how I felt b/c I couldn't explain how or why my feelings had changed. I was firm and asked again that he not contact me any longer and not to try and come by my house. I blocked him from my Myspace. Since then he has written me one letter and sent me several cards, none of which I read. I couldn't do "return to sender" b/c he didn't put his return address on any of the things he sent me and my family was telling me the best thing I could do was just ignore it. He emailed me AT WORK once and I tried to block him there but his email will go to my spam folder. I haven't gotten anything since Christmas but over the weekend my iPhone crashed (don't even get me started on that!! I had to have my whole phone wiped out and re activated but thankfully I was able to recover most of my stuff from my computer) and as soon as I left the Apple store, I had 2 text messages from him. I was super pissed off b/c I thought I had blocked him. I got online and checked my cell accound somehow the call blocking option was turned off so I turned it back on and blocked his number. When we were dating he had an older phone and didn't have the texting feature so my best friend thinks he must have gotten a new phone and decided to try and text me and it just so happened that he did it on the day my phone screwed up. I am starting to get really upset that he keeps trying to contact me after I have asked more than once that he not do that and leave me be. He's never exhibited any "crazy" behavior but I am now starting to worry that I'll come home one day and find him here or he'll show up somewhere I happen to be. He lives an hour and a half from me and I live with my dad so I have some comfort, but I guess the reason I'm worried is that you just never really know what a person is capable of. I'm also worried that he'll try to send me something on Valentine's Day and I really don't want to deal with that because he'll send it to my work. Since the breakup I've been alot happier and feel much more stress free so I am still certain to my soul I made the right decision and I'm happy I did it. I am also currently very interested in someone and am pretty sure they are interested in me and I'm happy to say I'm quite ready to move on but I don't want this hanging over me.
Has anyone else had this happen to them and if so, what did you do or how did you handle it? I really wanted to text back and tell him to leave me the hell alone but I'm also afraid he'll take that as a go ahead to keep up the texting and contacting. My family and friends still think I should just keep ignoring him and if he does send me something else to just toss it and act like it's junk mail and eventually he'll stop. But what if he doesn't??? I really could use some comforting advice or even if ignoring him IS the best solution. HELP!!

 

[X4biddenxLustX]

I think we've got another case of the "stalker ex" going on here to be truthful with you. Sometimes you don't even see it coming, like they seemed perfectly normal and everything when you were dating but yeah people can be unpredictable. But I have had a very similar experience before with an ex who just refused to leave me alone after we broke up and started to threaten me and yeah a bunch of crazy stuff. I actually ended up calling the cops and thought about filing a restraining order but the cops instead just called and talked to him. They told him to leave me alone so I decided to not go through with filing a restraining order or anything of that sort. But nope he couldn't just leave me alone. We had a weird confrontation at a mall a few days later because he had went there in the hopes of seriously finding me there. Me, being an idiot decided to leave on my away message on aim that I was going to the at the mall at a certain time so that my friends knew where I was going to be and could meet up with me. After that I'd get the occasional message and whatnot and I just ignored him and it stopped for a while. Until he would see me out at the mall or if his friend would see me out somewhere. This went on and off for almost 3 years! The last time I spoke to him he was probably cracked out and decided to pretend that during our convo on aim which I told him to leave me alone that I was the one threatening it. He said that he was going to alter it to make it look that way and get me arrested and blah blah blah. Oh, how do I wish that I really did go through with that restraining order, his ass would of been arrested guaranteed!

As for your situation, at this point I think you have told him and make it clear to him in writing that you do not wish to have any contact with him anymore whatsoever. No matter how annoying the messages and everything are I'd completely ignore them. Now from your post he doesn't seem to be violent or have made any type of threats towards you, but again people can be unpredictable. So I'd just be careful. And if this ever gets to that point, make sure you keep track of the messages he's been sending you and definitely go to the cops and file some kind of order or protection. Because its NOT okay for someone to be sending you threatening messages all the time, you never know if there being serious or not. People can be seriously messed up in the head.

 

[florabundance]

I think some people find it hard to just "let go". Like, even he himself may not have predicted that he would be so stalkerish once you guys had broken up. It sounds like he took the "no contact at all" thing really badly. I don't think the there is any truth to the content of the calls/emails/letters..i don't think he really does want to get back into a relationship with YOU, but it sounds like he can't handle the rejection that comes with cutting someone important from your life completely.
If he agreed to no ties at the time, then chances are he didn't anticipate feeling this way, or acting this way.
You have two options really. Answer the phone and ask him why he thinks being in a relationship would work..or telling him that if he truly cared about you, he wouldn't be stressing you out like this. Or like your family said - ignore all of it.
Basically, he just needs time. Try to go with your instinct and good luck with it - i know i wasn't very useful, but i feel bad for you..you sound so torn!

 

[ohnna-lee]

I've had phone stalkers before. It sucks, 50+ unaswered calls in a day is enough to drive anyone batshit. So I went to the police station and they put a trace on my phone. I told him that if he contacted me that the authorities would get involved, he persisted and three calls later he was given a restraining order. His wife and kids now knew what was going on. I had no clue that he had a family. As he spent most of his time sitting outside my window. Staring up and calling me leaving me voice messages to see if by chance I would look out, begging me. I would turn off the lights and peer through the slats in the blinds and no shit, he was there. Such an unsettling feeling.

That kind of behavior is scary and not to be dealt with lightly. If other people know about it then maybe they can be aware of his whereabouts.

 

[sayah]

I would talk to the police since it's been going on for so long. Don't expect him to stop by himself and really don't respond to anything he does, that's just encouraging him!

 

[3jane]

You might want to notify your workplace too. Leave out the details, but make it clear that if he shows up with flowers or whatever, he's not welcome.

Also, KEEP THIS STUFF. Save the messages, print out the emails, put those in a box with the letters... so just in case, if it escalates and/or you go to the police, it'll help that you have documented proof that this has been going on for a while and you've asked him to leave you alone repeatedly.

 

[xxsgtigressxx]

If I were you I would NOT talk to him at all. Not even to ask him why he's doing it. If you do talk to him you're reinforcing that if he bothers you enough you'll eventually give in. Get a restraining order asap. It doesnt seem like he is violent but it will keep him from menacing you hopefully.

 

[MissMochaXOXO]

wow, i think u were so right to leave him. trust me if u still had an ounce of love(relationship-wise) for him u wouldve cracked the first few times he tried to contact u. back in the day me and my bf would have fights where i'd ignore him but i still really loved him and i never lasted more then a couple days ignoring his calls.

u need to call the police if he keeps up with trying to contact u. save everything like some1 else said so u can prove what hes doing to u. theres no point in talking to him at all now, if he hasnt got the hint by now, then talking to him wont do anything either. u'll just make him worse most likely because hearing ur voice will bring back memories.

good luck!

 

[X4biddenxLustX]

Quote:

Originally Posted by florabundance I think some people find it hard to just "let go". Like, even he himself may not have predicted that he would be so stalkerish once you guys had broken up. It sounds like he took the "no contact at all" thing really badly. I don't think the there is any truth to the content of the calls/emails/letters..i don't think he really does want to get back into a relationship with YOU, but it sounds like he can't handle the rejection that comes with cutting someone important from your life completely. If he agreed to no ties at the time, then chances are he didn't anticipate feeling this way, or acting this way. You have two options really. Answer the phone and ask him why he thinks being in a relationship would work..or telling him that if he truly cared about you, he wouldn't be stressing you out like this. Or like your family said - ignore all of it. Basically, he just needs time. Try to go with your instinct and good luck with it - i know i wasn't very useful, but i feel bad for you..you sound so torn!

If this is the case, that he can't accept the rejection I'd def be even more careful. You may not know what else could add on to the rejection he's feeling and he may just "snap" (don't want to scare you!). Just be alert and aware of your surroundings like when your returning home or something at nighttime. But hopefully the phone calls and messages will be the end of it and it wont escalate. Don't hesitate to go to the cops though if it does escalate. And again, I'm not trying to scare you hun! I just want you to be safe cause there's so many wackos out there in this world.

 

[NutMeg]

Keep a record/copy of everything, and record timelines. Be aware of your safety and don't be afraid to take things to the police if you start feeling scared.

 

[stacylynne]

Don't answer his calls, Don't ask him why he's doing this. I would tell your boss @ your work place about this & tell him/her he's not welcome. I would also put a restraining order against him to keep away.

One day someone seems so normal & then next you don't know what they are capable of doing. He doen't seem dangerous but you want to cover all. By you putting a restraining order on him he will know you are serious. If you live with your dad explain to him what's going on as well.

As for you, you have to do the right thing for yourself. If you don't see yourself with him he needs to sepect that & leave you alone.
I had stalkers & it's not fun.
Good Luck