How to deal with inlaws? (It's a long one!)

[~LadyLocks~]

So my b/f parents really piss me off when it comes to my daughter...ARGH! Sorry...just really need to vent!

Sometimes we have my b/f's father watch my daughter to try and save money on baby sitting. Don't get me wrong, he's a really good person. Him and his wife always watch my b/f's niece so he is well aware of how to look after a baby/ toddler and has done a great job before but for some reason he never listens to me whenever it comes to my daughter.

One time I dropped her off there and of course I explained to him her eating schedule. That day he ended up taking my daughter and the niece to the park so by the time I came to pick her up at 5 something she was asleep in her car seat. I noticed the unopened baby food jar there on the counter so I thought to myself...if she didn't eat this then what did she eat? I checked her bag and saw all the unopened food still there in the bag which means she didn't eat for about 6-7 hours. Then, after noticing the food I noticed all the diapers I had packed for her which meant not only did he NOT feed her but he didn't change her either!! At that point I was furious!! I right away woke her up and changed her diaper and poor baby had a rash all over. I was so heated that as soon as I left the house I broke into tears. How can someone who knows damn well what it takes to take care of a child, "forget" to do all the things needed? I kept trying to come up with excuses for him...maybe the girls were playing so hard that he forgot to feed or change her. Maybe he's to old (he's 65)to remember what she needs. I just couldn't come up with a good enough reason as to why he didn't do what he needed to. From that point on I told my b/f that he was never gonna watch her again! I would rather pay a sitter to look after her and do all the necessary things then have her starve all day and get a rash from not being changed.

A few months later the baby sitter had an appointment so she couldn't watch her one day and we had no other choice then to let him watch her. What a suprise...she ended up with another rash and a bad one, worse then the first time. Again, I was pissed off!!

There were a few more times when he had to watch her again and I know what you guys are thinking...why would you let him watch your daughter again after neglecting her? Believe me when I say that we had no other choice to leave her there cause if we did then I would not have left her there. I had my b/f call his dad every few hours to remind him to change her and feed her and that worked out just fine but at the same time ridiculous. Why should you have to remind someone who has raised kids of his own to feed and change his own granddaughter? Doesn't make sense but if that's what we needed to do to make sure our daughter was ok then so be it.

Now the incident that happened today...UGH. We are now staying at my b/f parents house till the end of the year to save money since we want to move out of state. Since we've been staying here and my daughter has gotten used to her grandparents, I feel alittle bit more comfortable leaving him to care for Saezha while were at work. Plus, she's older now and doesn't require as much attention as she needed when she was a baby. Right now were on a contract with the sitter. Even though she may not watch my daughter the whole week, we still have to pay her as if she did watch her the whole week. This week has been very slow for my b/f at work and he has come home early everyday since Monday. This morning my b/f calls me again to let me know that he's coming home ealry so I didn't need to take my daughter to the sitter since she lives way on the other side of town and my house is right by my job. He asked his dad if he can watch her for about an hour until he gets home from work and he said that was fine but he was leaving for a bit and had no problem taking my daughter as well as the niece with him. So I changed her and sent her off with her grandpa. Saezha was so excited to go since her cousin was also going, whom she loves spending time with. Since they weren't going to be gone that long I only sent her two diapers that were already in her bag form the day before, and her juice cup. I again had to remind him that she had not eaten breakfast since she just woke up and she needed to eat. Well, I get home and she's still not home which made me feel uneasy knowing that she only had 2 diapers in her bag and no food to munch on. My b/f said she was still out with the grandfather at his sisters house (which was fine since her cousins were there for her to play with). We have a meeting to go to at 8 tonight and since we needed a sitter for the hour that will be gone since his dad is going to the gym and can't watch her, his sister said she would watch my daughter which meant the grandfather was gonna leave her there and go straight to the gym from there which meant we wouldn't see her until around 9 at night. I wasn't having that! I asked my b/f to call his father and have him bring my daughter home and we would drop her off at the sisters house before our meeting. We hadn't seen her all day long and I wanted to spend some time with her before we left to the meeting. Not to mention she needed to be changed and fed cause who knows when the last time she ate was. The father had to come home to get his gym stuff anyway so he brought her home just like we asked. I was anticipating a rash but thank god she didn't have one and the father had said she's been eating all day...wheww! My daughter walked in with good spirits and looked like she was in one peace and then I wondered to myself...am I over reacting? I still couldn't understand why he didn't tell me they were gonna be gone all day so I can pack her more diapers and food.

Anyway, the reason for posting this is to vent out my frustration, get advice on how to handle these kinds of situations in dealing with the in laws. Or, am I over reacting? Should I not worry as much when she's with her grandfather and just let things be and shut my mouth about things?

If no one reads this then it's fine, at least I got to vent.

 

[Katura]

Good vent, I'm sorry you had to go through that, sounds wayyyy stressful, I would've snapped after the second rash, haha...Hope your daughter is doing well!

 

[little teaser]

gosh girl you had every reason to be piss a diaper rash is uncomfortable and painful maybe you should say something to him like i appreciate you watching the baby for us but exsplain how you feel and tell him about the painful rash and the eating i know you think geez he's 65 and should know better but he is a man and they dont think the way a mother thinks always some men are great with kids and others need to be train women i think it comes natural and if you send your daughter off all ways put extra stuff in her bag cause you never know anything could happen and if he keeps her again just call to remind granpa of his dutys cause he may just forget good luck hope the venting help

 

[MacVirgin]

sorry you have to go thrue that.. why don't you talk about this with her grandfather? he is an adult and might understand where you are coming from.

Do you have an opion to call him from work, just to check on things? that's what i did with the mother of my hubby. She was the same age as the grandpa of your baby when she use to babysit. She forgot things and had the opinion that a child will cry if he needs something! ughhh!!!. She use to tell me "i raised 9 children and they are all fine!!!. i told her that that was very nice for her, but this is my child and we are doing things my way now!. She had room to decide some things while she was sitting but at the end of the day i had to be o.k with her desitions. It took a long time before she saw things my way, still she did things her way when i wasn't around. Droping sugar in his botle of milk *which i premade to make shure he got what he needed*. Mine was also very alergic and could not eat everything, and everthing hade to be sterilised an certain way *cause i'm anal like that lol! and a clean freak!*. But mainly cause of the alergies he had which could cause him to choke and itch all over if you for instance made a coup of cowmilk..... he was alergic for that... and with the same spoon make his soyamilk. She still did things like that and give him things to eat he was alergic for. Hubby tottaly snapped at her and asked her if she was out of her mind!!. She also fogot many times to change his diaper. IWe had a good talk with her but i never let her babyset again.. cause she is who she is. I had the luxury to change my workinghours and my mom too, so my mom took over the babysitting.

You guys need to have a talk with him and tell him how you feel and what you guys espect when he's watching her.

 

[~LadyLocks~]

Thank you so much for all the great feedback!

Littleteaser and macvirgin, I totally agree with speaking to him about the things he was doing and not doing. The only problem is he speaks Tagalog and half the time I don't understand what he's saying so I mostly leave it up to my b/f to communicate with him. My b/f has talked to him about changing her more often and feeding her on a regular basis, he even calls him while he's at work to remind him just to get me off his ass...lol. He's been better with her though and yesterday when she came back from being out all day with him she looked fine and everything seemed to be ok. It kinda made me feel like geeze...all this worrying and she walks in like nothing LOL. Guess that's all part of being a mother!

 

[~LadyLocks~]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MacVirgin sorry you have to go thrue that.. why don't you talk about this with her grandfather? he is an adult and might understand where you are coming from. Do you have an opion to call him from work, just to check on things? that's what i did with the mother of my hubby. She was the same age as the grandpa of your baby when she use to babysit. She forgot things and had the opinion that a child will cry if he needs something! ughhh!!!. She use to tell me "i raised 9 children and they are all fine!!!. i told her that that was very nice for her, but this is my child and we are doing things my way now!. She had room to decide some things while she was sitting but at the end of the day i had to be o.k with her desitions. It took a long time before she saw things my way, still she did things her way when i wasn't around. Droping sugar in his botle of milk *which i premade to make shure he got what he needed*. Mine was also very alergic and could not eat everything, and everthing hade to be sterilised an certain way *cause i'm anal like that lol! and a clean freak!*. But mainly cause of the alergies he had which could cause him to choke and itch all over if you for instance made a coup of cowmilk..... he was alergic for that... and with the same spoon make his soyamilk. She still did things like that and give him things to eat he was alergic for. Hubby tottaly snapped at her and asked her if she was out of her mind!!. She also fogot many times to change his diaper. IWe had a good talk with her but i never let her babyset again.. cause she is who she is. I had the luxury to change my workinghours and my mom too, so my mom took over the babysitting. You guys need to have a talk with him and tell him how you feel and what you guys espect when he's watching her.

Yes yes yes...I expirenced something similar to this. As I mentioned before, the grandparents practically raised my b/f niece that's there at the house everyother week since her father and mother aren't together. This little girl eats nothing but fast food, McDonald's, pizza, candy...just all the bad stuff. I noticed this even before my daughter was born. Right after I had my daughter and the grandparents started watching her I told my b/f...i'll be damned if my daughter eats this same junk as her cousin. I am very good when it comes to my daughters eating habits and I'd like to keep it that way. That's the very reason I pack her own food in her bag, so she doesn't have to eat all the other junk but sometimes they just feed her whatever they want. The other day, the grandpa was feeding the kids some kind of candy and it was mid day so I was ok with it that time since she's doesn't eat that kinda stuff all the time. They very next morning I was getting ready to go to work and my daughter was downstairs with the grandparents and her cousin. I heard my b/f mother say no, she hasn't eaten breakfast yet and when I came downstairs I seen my daughter eating something. I asked what she was eating and they told me candy

. I right away said...don't give her that, she just woke up and hasn't eaten breakfast yet! Damn these people...come on now, common sense...UGH! It's sad that I have to constantly watch her with her own grandparents, they are suppose to be the people you trust the most with your child but obviously not! My daughter is a very good eater and is not picky at all, I'd like to keep it that way! Oh hell no will she pick up her 4 year old cousins eating habits!!

 

[mzcelaneous]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I've been through a similar situation with my parents. Once they left my daughter playing in her room unattended and she got into some finger paint, ate some paint, and painted the walls. Good thing they were non-toxic, but still. That could've been prevented. When I talked to my parents, all they said was (in tagalog, my parents are filipino too) "stuff happens, I can't watch her every single second". Hate to say it, but this type of caregiving is common in filipino cultures, particularly old-fashion filipinos. My parents do it, my best friends parents, other babysitters, and neighbors do the same.

Other than not having him watch her, I don't know what to tell you girl. I hope it all works out though.

 

[~LadyLocks~]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mzcelaneous I'm sorry you're going through this. I've been through a similar situation with my parents. Once they left my daughter playing in her room unattended and she got into some finger paint, ate some paint, and painted the walls. Good thing they were non-toxic, but still. That could've been prevented. When I talked to my parents, all they said was (in tagalog, my parents are filipino too) "stuff happens, I can't watch her every single second". Hate to say it, but this type of caregiving is common in filipino cultures, particularly old-fashion filipinos. My parents do it, my best friends parents, other babysitters, and neighbors do the same.

Hmmm...I was kinda thinking the same thing but didn't want to come out directly and say it. All I know is whenever I have other people watch my daugher I've never had any problems like I do when they watch her.

 

[mzcelaneous]

And I just wanted to add, because I know someone will try to say otherwise, that I've noticed in my experiences old-fashioned filipinos aren't as attentive as others. Not that it's totally horrendous. I mean, I turned out fine as well as others. It's just their style. I'm not claiming that if you're filipino, you don't watch your children well enough. Not at all. I'm able to say this from observations and experiences.

 

[a914butterfly]

gee, and my mother in law is too fussy and overdoes it. she watches my daughter like a feakin hawk. i can be at work and be so busy and she will call to say my daughter sneezed and that mybe she has phnuemonia or a disease! lol then she will tell me the dumbest things like that she fed her lunch but she still wants a snack and should she giver her a treat. i tell her never to call at work unless its an EMERGENCY. then what i really hate is she will tell her son (my husband) lies regarding our daughter and then it gets me and my hubby fighting or argueing over it. For example she will say that im not dressing her warm or cool enough and then rub it in to my hubby to the point where he actually believes the bullshit and then gets on my case and then i have to remind him that i raised my other daughter just fine (i have another daughter from my 1st marriage). she is the mother in law from hell and she acts like her granddaughter is her daughter, but i have to bite my tounge and hold it in cause she watches her for free so my hubby and i can work. (i guess i'm venting too??!!?)

 

[~LadyLocks~]

Quote:

Originally Posted by a914butterfly gee, and my mother in law is too fussy and overdoes it. she watches my daughter like a feakin hawk. i can be at work and be so busy and she will call to say my daughter sneezed and that mybe she has phnuemonia or a disease! lol then she will tell me the dumbest things like that she fed her lunch but she still wants a snack and should she giver her a treat. i tell her never to call at work unless its an EMERGENCY. then what i really hate is she will tell her son (my husband) lies regarding our daughter and then it gets me and my hubby fighting or argueing over it. For example she will say that im not dressing her warm or cool enough and then rub it in to my hubby to the point where he actually believes the bullshit and then gets on my case and then i have to remind him that i raised my other daughter just fine (i have another daughter from my 1st marriage). she is the mother in law from hell and she acts like her granddaughter is her daughter, but i have to bite my tounge and hold it in cause she watches her for free so my hubby and i can work. (i guess i'm venting too??!!?)

HAHA...oh wow, that's to much! My b/f mother does the samething sometimes...it's so annoying UGH! I feel the same way about saying stuff sometimes though...just keep my mouth shut cause were not paying him to watch my daughter, he does it for free so we can save on some money!

 

[MAC_Whore]

My mother-in-law absolutely hates me with a fiery, seething passion. And then she hates me some more. We don't see her anymore. Did I mention that she hates me??

 

[little teaser]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MAC_Whore My mother-in-law absolutely hates me with a fiery, seething passion. And then she hates me some more. We don't see her anymore. Did I mention that she hates me??

my inlaws dont like me either and the funny thing is out of the 9 years i have been with my husband i have never meet them in person

 

[~LadyLocks~]

Quote:

Originally Posted by little teaser my inlaws dont like me either and the funny thing is out of the 9 years i have been with my husband i have never meet them in person

...that's strange! They must be closed minded people to hate someone they have never even met. That's just really to bad!

 

[a914butterfly]

i know deep dowm my mother in law hates me too!! she acts nice, but its a fake nice. she tried so hard to break me and her son up when we were dating. it got to the point where i told him either it's me and move on or he can go live with mom forever. we finally got married and had a baby 3 yrs ago, but he is still a momma's boy. i know deep down she hates and resents me that i "took" her son away from her

 

[~LadyLocks~]

Quote:

Originally Posted by a914butterfly i know deep dowm my mother in law hates me too!! she acts nice, but its a fake nice. she tried so hard to break me and her son up when we were dating. it got to the point where i told him either it's me and move on or he can go live with mom forever. we finally got married and had a baby 3 yrs ago, but he is still a momma's boy. i know deep down she hates and resents me that i "took" her son away from her

Wow. My ex was totally a mama's boy. I eventually figured out that I needed a real man and not someone who went and cried to his mom all the time lol. There's nothing worng with being a mama's boy but they have to know when to take control of their own lives and not have "mom" make all the decisions for them. Looks like you have a winner

!

 

[a914butterfly]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~LadyLocks~ Wow. My ex was totally a mama's boy. I eventually figured out that I needed a real man and not someone who went and cried to his mom all the time lol. There's nothing worng with being a mama's boy but they have to know when to take control of their own lives and not have "mom" make all the decisions for them. Looks like you have a winner !

yes, he is a mama's boy. she always instigates our fights and makes problems. me and my husband never argue, but when we do it's beacuse she starts it and lights a fire under his ass, and then he runs to mommy's house for dinner or goes there to "cool off"

 

[MAC_Whore]

Quote:

Originally Posted by little teaser my inlaws dont like me either and the funny thing is out of the 9 years i have been with my husband i have never meet them in person

That's awful. God, people are so horrible sometimes. I just don't get it. Don't parents know that kind of behaviour just makes life hard for their son or daughter as well as their child's spouse? So unfair to put their son or daughter in that position.

 

[little teaser]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MAC_Whore That's awful. God, people are so horrible sometimes. I just don't get it. Don't parents know that kind of behaviour just makes life hard for their son or daughter as well as their child's spouse? So unfair to put their son or daughter in that position.

well my husband hasnt seen them in over 11 years due to problems he had with his dad and step mom and yea he screwed up when he was younger but he's not that person anymore and they dont call him or nothing and it breaks his heart and mine since i love him and they dont know me but are very rude weird people when i try to call and reach out to them so he gave up and i dont try either i feel bad for my husband

 

[little teaser]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~LadyLocks~ ...that's strange! They must be closed minded people to hate someone they have never even met. That's just really to bad!

closed minded and cold i dont get it either and i stop trying too