I feel like I don't even know him anymore...

[ashley8119]

When I was beginning to get involved with this particular guy, he was only five months clean of a cocaine addiction. People told me to wait until he was clean for at least one year before pursuing anything, but I didn't listen. I had a lot of history with this guy from younger years (all the way back to elementary school). We got back in each other's lives about six months ago. During those six months, we got to know eachother on a different level than most couples do when they first start dating. We got to know each other's heart, we were very open and honest about things and we communicated wonderfully. We spent time together, and we really enjoyed being in each other's company. Things were going great, we were making plans for the future and making small short term goals to help us get to the 'big picture'. We discussed living together, how we would deal with issues, and a lot of things. We discussed it so much almost like we were preparing to spend a lifetime together. He kept no secrets from me, his family and his best friend told me how happy he was with me. He would tell me how lucky he was to have me, and we made each other very happy. Our budding relationship seemed wonderful, and was built on a very solid emotional bond (rather than physical). In fact, most guys have a problem waiting to get sexually intimiate...but he didn't care, he said he would wait as long as I needed. I was so happy that somebody finally respected my sexual limits! We both opened up a lot to each other, he told me about his past with drugs (he was a cocaine/heroin/crack addict for five years). He told me everything because he felt that I had a right to know about his past, and that he didn't want to keep any secrets. I told him that he didn't have to tell me anything, that it wasn't my business, but he assured me that his past was my business because of how serious things were getting. He was engaged previously (during his addiction) to another addict, and he told me about her. He told me that their relationship was solely based on getting high together. He said that he was so happy to finally have a real emotional bond with somebody, with somebody so much better than anything else he has ever shared with another person.

About two weeks ago, he was changing a bit. He was very stressed, his home life was pretty bad in the beginning but was only getting worse. He started breaking plans, started constantly searching for jobs (MI has a really bad job economy..), he said that he needed money and fast. I asked him what was going on, and he said that he couldn't deal with his problems and had nowhere to turn and he also said that he was worried that he might relapse. He wouldn't call me on days of plans, and he kept mixing up important dates. He promised to spend my birthday with me, and he never showed. He disappeared from everybody for a week, and just got back in touch two days ago. He wrote me a letter explaining the reason for his disappearance and it was worded horribly and was very far from being gramatically correct (and he was such a smart guy!) So I am almost positive he is using again. When he discussed his drug past, he said that when he's using, he is different. His normally positive disposition becomes moody, and he doesn't care about anything or anybody. He is a different person now, nothing like the man I was falling in love with... I know that it is the drugs that is changing him, and I can't help but feel like the man I knew is now dead...or gone for awhile until he becomes clean again.

I did some research on addicts and how drugs change people. All of the signs definitely point to the fact that he is using again. It hurts me to see this wonderful person deteroriate all because of this addiction. He is a monster now. Even his sister was stunned when I told her that he blew off my birthday, her initial reaction was: "Whoa, that's not like him. That's not like him at all." I voiced my disappointment and frustration at him for blowing off my birthday without a phone call, and for disappearing. I told him that I felt let down, and how disappointed I was...and he said some mean things. He said some things that I know he would never ever say to me! When he was sober, he dated a girl who was very mean to him (I know the girl, she isn't very nice) and she threw a lit cigarette in his face. I have never done anything mean to him, and he always said what a beautiful heart I had, and he treated me very badly.

I can't believe I'm losing him to this addiction. I know that the man I love is in there somewhere...I did more research, and read some experiences from former addicts and the loved ones of the addicts, and they all experienced what I'm feeling now. Some of the experiences stated that cocaine use (among other addictive drugs) can cause a normally wonderful person to become uncharacteristically mean. I'm hurt that he would be so mean, I'm sure he didn't mean it...I know it's the drugs talking. Nobody understands, not even my mom. I guess it's impossible to completely 100% understand unless you have ever loved an addict.

This is such an unbelievably hard thing for me to grasp. I didn't necessarily write this for the sole purpose to seek advice, I just needed to get this out in anyway possible. Keeping this in is giving me a migraine from Hell... However, please feel free to comment. On anything. Whether it's a new perspective on how to view things...I'm just pretty much seeking anything...anything at all that might help me...

 

[hollyberry84]

sweetheart...you are in good company. I am experiencing this with my little brother. I don't have any answers except that when they hit "rock bottom" and WANT to change...they will. SO far my brother hasn't hit rock bottom and doesn't want to change. If he decides to choose the drugs over you....he will have to live with that his whole life. And one day he will wake up and realize his life went down the shitter. The only thing I can say is.. be a positive enforcement in his life and love the person you know he is...even if you have to love him from a distance and let him go. Drug addiction is a disease and it sucks. Keep me posted...I would love advice from you too...I dont know how to deal with it myself with my brother. Faith and hope always!

 

[Beauty Mark]

I'm glad you realize it isn't you but the drugs that are making him behave this way. Addiction is so hard to understand... parents give up their families, smart people give up their futures, just for the sake of a fix.

I'm glad you're educating yourself on the topic. Is there anyone nearby (like a counselor or support group) who could be more understanding?

 

[kimberlane]

I just figured I'd chime in with some support since I have been in your situation and beyond. My current bf slash love of my life for the past almost 5 years has had his share of drug problems. When we 1st got together we were young, everyone partied no big deal didn't really think much of it. About 7 months into our relationship we got into some trouble doesn't really matter what it was but it was drug related. He was 17 I was 16, he was charged as an adult and I as a minor. For 4 months he was in jail, and I wasn't suppose to be communicating with him, though I did. First I must say that while I have participated in illegal behavoir I am not an addict, I was a recreational user, there is a difference, its like alcoholics and social drinkers, it does exist. Anyways from the time he got home until about two years ago, I really got to see what addiction was and the pain, hurt, and disgust in yourself as well as in your partner it can cause. It is definitly not something you want to go through if you do not love this person or are not very strong. I am a pretty strong person and it was horrible to me. The changes are day and night and just crazy, when you are with them while they are high they can be happy and actually enjoyable to be around, but when they are coming down, or on the hunt as I call it (which is them worried about when and where they are gonna catch their next high) they can be the worst people in the world. I remember it getting it getting to bad I hated myself for staying, I hated him, for making me fall in love with him, and for putting me through all this shit. You say that you have done research and know its the drugs not him, but unless you have been there and been there for awhile it doesn't matter if in reality its the drugs, to you it will become them, they are chosing to do it, they don't seem to care that they hurt you, they don't care about the akward position you put them in when their family is around, or yours, or your friends. I have to say that it was the toughest 3 years of my life, but not near as bad as the fourth. After going through all the lies and the pain, I began to resent him, and didn't trust him it got so bad for about 6 months everyother day we were talking about leaving one another He's been clean for the past almost 2 years. But I was so afraid to trust again, I didn't want to be hurt. Finally In the last 4 or 5 months things have settled down so much that its almost as if it never happened. I know that our love is true and strong and we've been through so much just recently in Dec of last year his sister died they were really close, before that we had just started doing good, but it was so hard on him, just mainly his ups and downs and us just not knowing how to handle her death caused us so many unnessasary problems. She was such a great person, someone he could turn to no matter what, and someone I could turn to when he got bad, someone he would listen to. I am crying now, god that sucks. Just sittin here thinkin abotu the things that we have accomplished and what we have been through at such a young age. I am 20 by the way. Just kinda made me realize how much in love we are and must be. I am glad I stayed, I knew then that I couldn't leave him, because even though he got really bad if I hadn't been there he prolly would be dead even he said so, and many times when it was bad and I was gonna give up and just tell him to come back when he was done with it I would think about that and stay. I am not saying you should be guilttripped into staying with him, because that is not the only reason I stayed. I am sorry this is so long, and out of order, and not really the whole story That would be a book about the size of a websters dictionary (the big one) lol. But I hope it helps to see that even though it really sucks to go through, the other side of the tunnel is worth it if you truely love eachother, because it is like once youve been through something like that together and survived nothing can touch you.