I feel so depressed...

[Bianca]

Hi girls. Normaly, I wouldn't put this up on a forum but I really need to "vent". Since 2 years I suffer from depressions but lately it's been getting worse. I moved to another city with my boyfriend who I really love a lot. I lost my job and I'm looking for a new one with no succes. I get rejected everytime. So...the bf works and I'm at home a lot. Sometimes I go sporting etc. but sometimes I'm so tired I can't even do that. I don't have any friends there either (never really had one). I was hanging out with this girl who is the girlfriend of my bf's friend but she was not really interested in me. I'm having a hard time and she was never ever asking how I was and when we went shopping I paid a lot and when she had to pay she was like I had to give her money and al of that. So I told her how I felt and she was like **** off.

I'm really insecure about myself and sometimes I am like I can better be dead. It's hard for my bf too, he tries really hard but it's difficult to cheer me up. I also sleep a lot, just to pass the time and not to feel lonely. I already have councelling and I'm getting therapy soon as well but it's difficult. Why doesn't anybody want to be friends with me, what is wrong with me why do I always meet the wrong people. I'm taking medicins as wel (Efexor) and I hope it will work soon. I took Prozac to but it had no results. I really feel worthless most of the time. They always reject me for a job because I'm too insecure, even for temporary jobs. I also tried to get my drivers licence but I failed in that as well. I freaked out at my exam and months went by and I'm afraid to take an exam ever again so I decided to quit. So I feel I fail a lot.

I have a lot of fights with my bf too, I always want him to tell me if he still loves me and it drives him crazy but I have to ask. We are together for 6 years and I'm still asking him everyday. I told my therapist to. She says I need to get more confident and take things into my own hands. I still hang onto my parents a lot because I'm insecure. It's a long story...I hope I will feel better someday. I'm at my parents house now because I can't cope with it. I do feel a little bit better after writing this down. Thanks for reading.

 

[Eoraptor]

Hi Bianca. I've had some of the same problems you have, so I can relate. Several times I told my problems to the one person I thought I was emotionally close to, and she told me to 'get over it'. Ughh. I'm also insecure, and at times I've asked myself why no one wants to be good friends with me either. It's like you care more about anyone than they care about you. I find friends come from unexpected places, but you have to make an effort to meet people if you want to find good friends. So go talk to someone you think looks interesting. Or start chatting with someone in an online community. You'll find a lot of people who don't work out. Maybe they're not interested in you, you're not interested in them, or both. But eventually, someone will be a good match. That's how I found my two best friends at the moment. But you can't just sleep days away, because you won't meet anyone that way. If you want to give me a chance, I'd be happy to be your friend. I've been told I'm a great listener, and I love to chat. Just contact me on an IM. Hope this helped a bit.

*hugs*

 

[Bianca]

Hi Eoraptor, thanks for your sweet message. If you don't mind me asking, what is an IM? Internet message?

 

[Eoraptor]

Instant Messenger programs

Like AOL Instant Messenger (AIM), Yahoo Instant Messenger, or MSN Instant Messenger. Just look them up on Google, download them, then contact me using the little icons below my picture in my last message (the orange running man, red Y or blue and yellow person). Apologies if you knew all this, and just use a different term for IM's in the Netherlands.

 

[Bianca]

I have MSN! Just a little misunderstanding!

 

[litlaur]

I've been in similar situations before...especially being tired and sleeping away the day.

I agree with your therapist. You need to make some changes in your own life. It may seem a bit overwhelming or scary, but it can really help to go out on your own. Go out to a party/concert/anything by yourself. Don't wait for someone to approach you, go up and introduce yourself. Maybe look for someone else who is alone. At least say hello

You might also consider broadening your job search. Look at different fields. But it really help if you can be more confident in interviews, even if you're just pretending. What I do before I go for an interview is listen to/read/watch something that truly makes me happy (usually The Postal Service). It may sound cheesy, but tell yourself you can do it, tell yourself you deserve the job. And don't take it personally when you get rejected! A lot of other people are looking for jobs! The employer might think someone else would do the job better, but that does not mean you're somehow lower than them.

While you look for a job, you might want to consider doing charity/volunteer work. It will get you out of bed and give you a feeling of fulfillment. Or at least take up a hobby. Learn to play an instrument, or cook, or paint...

Your boyfriend probably just wants you to be happy. He probably thinks you should know that he loves you, and might be hurt that you have doubt.

 

[Pascal]

Hi Bianca, I know how you feel and I am sorry to hear about your suffering, I suffer from depression as well. Sometimes it seems as if we are at the bottom of the pit and nothing is going to change. But that's not true things will chage you will find another job and life will go on. Just remember how Chester from Linkin Park sang it "NO MATTER HOW FAR WE'VE COME I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE TOMMOROW" So don't ever give up or even think about it. Just keep your head up.

 

[joytheobscure]

Hi Bianca,

Big hugs and I'm sorry you are having a difficult time. Friends and acceptance have always been a problem. My friends tend to be older than me most of the time but I never have friends to socialize with other than sisters/mom etc. I've never been a person that people make a big effort over, it seems like I meet people who everyone always makes a big effort to please them and go out of their way to call them, but that is not usually me. So I can relate to the friends, I'm probably more of a loner anyways and going places with people when I've gone alone so long is just annoying.

I've had to have my husband help me learn how to job interview - i.e. make eyecontact- look up job interview techniques, and the more interviews you go on the easier it is to interview. I interviewed for five jobs this spring and only got one job offer.

(((Hugs))) We are here on specktra, I'm always here to talk too.

 

[Sanne]

damn girl!! we've been taling a lot, but honoustly I didn't know you've felt this bad!!! First of all you're not worhtless, you are a fun friend I care a lot for you!! And let me speak for myself now(but I'm sure I speak for others too) I think you are a strong and persistant lady!! I'm really proud of you when I hear how much effort you put in your job interviews, over and over again, and I think you're dealing pretty good with the situation! Of course you get fed up everynow and then but you just won't give up, and that's good!! I think you are very strong!

Remember that your depression is caused because you miss the healthy amount of the 'happy-hormone' (forgot the name, sorry

) and there's nothing wrong with you as a person, meaning you have nothing to feel insecure of. I really hope for you that you will feel better soon, and this new therapy is working for you. And when you do, you'll be even stronger than you where before!

love you Bianca!!!

 

[Hawkeye]

Girl, I wish I could tell ya something that actually adds on to the great stuff already said here.

It's hard. You're new, you have no friends you keep to yourself and the jobs not coming in and yeah-believe it or not I totally understand.

I've been there. And the only advice I can give you is that when you look inside yourself and see just a little glimmer of hope that is the meaning of self strength. A lot of this stuff, maybe it's just not time yet (and I know your like WTF? What do you mean not time- I got bills to pay!) yeah I mean sometimes, I believe that the world, god whatever always tries to teach us stuff through our experiences. I know for me when I was going through a rough time with home depot I couldn't even get out of bed and everytime I walked in there I felt physically sick to the point one day I felt faint and one of the lumber boys came running to me as I just collapsed.

It's at that point when you know somethings wrong you just say I can get through this no matter what. This is the moment where only I can define myself and my capabilities. Friends will come, and that other girl-no she's not your friend. You must keep in mind that nobody else in the world is like you-they may have similar talents and whatnot but there is something about you that nobody else in the world has.

What is it? I dunno. (Sorry I know that wasn't the answer you want to hear!) but the good news is-you can find it.

One day...if you feel like it go to a place where you are completely alone (i mean be smart about it to bring something to protect yourself etc). Go out to the woods or something, and just sit and listen. Go out throw yourself a nice little fit and then just sit and listen.

I actually did that before I made the decision to quit home depot. In my beliefs I feel that nature has a way of communicating with you. It communicates with you everyday. And one day I went to a nearby mountain threw myself a huge fit, hit trees, screamed kicked things then sat down and cried and then you know you get to that point where you just want to stop thinking? I got there. So I just sat and watched and the next thing I knew I looked up and there is this little deer that came up and it just looked at me. It was a doe-it was as if it were checking on me wondering if this strange 2 legged freak was OK.

It was that simple little action that made me feel something, someone, whatever was out there and was watching me. Now chances are if you do what I did you probably wont have a deer coming up and looking at you. But it could be anything. It will mean something else to you as well. It may not give you strength like it did me but it may give you some refreshment, or clarity or even a direction.

And if nothing else, at least you got to throw yourself a nice little fit

*HUGS* Who knows? But whatever it is nothing is wrong with you. You're special in your own way that nobody can ever take away from you and you just gotta spend some you time, then wipe the dirt off your knees and hands and get right back up and try again

 

[Sanne]

Quote:

Originally Posted by youbeabitch Girl, I wish I could tell ya something that actually adds on to the great stuff already said here. It's hard. You're new, you have no friends you keep to yourself and the jobs not coming in and yeah-believe it or not I totally understand. I've been there. And the only advice I can give you is that when you look inside yourself and see just a little glimmer of hope that is the meaning of self strength. A lot of this stuff, maybe it's just not time yet (and I know your like WTF? What do you mean not time- I got bills to pay!) yeah I mean sometimes, I believe that the world, god whatever always tries to teach us stuff through our experiences. I know for me when I was going through a rough time with home depot I couldn't even get out of bed and everytime I walked in there I felt physically sick to the point one day I felt faint and one of the lumber boys came running to me as I just collapsed. It's at that point when you know somethings wrong you just say I can get through this no matter what. This is the moment where only I can define myself and my capabilities. Friends will come, and that other girl-no she's not your friend. You must keep in mind that nobody else in the world is like you-they may have similar talents and whatnot but there is something about you that nobody else in the world has. What is it? I dunno. (Sorry I know that wasn't the answer you want to hear!) but the good news is-you can find it. One day...if you feel like it go to a place where you are completely alone (i mean be smart about it to bring something to protect yourself etc). Go out to the woods or something, and just sit and listen. Go out throw yourself a nice little fit and then just sit and listen. I actually did that before I made the decision to quit home depot. In my beliefs I feel that nature has a way of communicating with you. It communicates with you everyday. And one day I went to a nearby mountain threw myself a huge fit, hit trees, screamed kicked things then sat down and cried and then you know you get to that point where you just want to stop thinking? I got there. So I just sat and watched and the next thing I knew I looked up and there is this little deer that came up and it just looked at me. It was a doe-it was as if it were checking on me wondering if this strange 2 legged freak was OK. It was that simple little action that made me feel something, someone, whatever was out there and was watching me. Now chances are if you do what I did you probably wont have a deer coming up and looking at you. But it could be anything. It will mean something else to you as well. It may not give you strength like it did me but it may give you some refreshment, or clarity or even a direction. And if nothing else, at least you got to throw yourself a nice little fit *HUGS* Who knows? But whatever it is nothing is wrong with you. You're special in your own way that nobody can ever take away from you and you just gotta spend some you time, then wipe the dirt off your knees and hands and get right back up and try again

wow that's super inspiring!!! thank you

 

[l1onqueen]

Hi, I hope these posts lift your spirits, not to offend, but have u looked into switching therapists instead of medication management? An objective ear is really good, and a good therapist won't judge you or your feelings. Sometimes you just have to find the right fit. It worked for me! Alot of times people around you will say "get over it" or they just dont get it, but depression is a serious condition. However, it IS manageable!