I feel so down at the moment...

[Verient]

I should probably write a really long post about this, but I hate typing long stuff, but I'll give it a go.

I'm kinda worried about writing this because I've never been so open on the internet and if anyone found it I'd die. ):

The main thing that probably leads to me being so sensitive is my family history. I'm sixteen, and earlier this year I moved out of my mums. We didn't get on for months and just argued all the time. It was mostly because of her partner who threatened to hit me and just treated me like shit. I just ended up spending no time with them as family. I'd eat meals in my room with the door shut because we always argued over dinner. I'd bring friends round and her partner would just say shit about me whilst they were there. It ended up that I moved out, on mothers day, on a bad note. My mum hasn't made an effort since. She text me a few times asking what I was up to, but that's it. I genuinely believed she'd beg for me back. I couldn't, and still can't understand how any mother can not show the slightest bit of emotion at their child leaving home. A while back I spoke to someone about this and she said that I should go and see her and try and make an effort. I found this incredibly hard due to what she'd done (read below) but I still did it. I went and saw her at work and had a little chat, but after that, things didn't change. A few weeks later I text her and asked if she wanted to do something. She said her partner would be there and I said I wasn't happy about that. A meeting never took place. I mean...I hate so many things about my mum - and yeah, I mean hate (you'll understand why when you read on), but she's still my mum. I've spent so much time with my boyfriends family and I'm sooo jealous of him. He's got a perfect mum. I'd do anything for my mum back but it just wouldn't work as neither of us are trying enough and the fact her partner is a complete asshole. I also learnt that I wasn't perfect at home and I should have made more effort to be part of the family. I know this because my boyfriend has a younger sister and I used to be exactly like her and now I'm older I can see how wrong it is.

I used to own 2 ponies when I was at my mums. Unfortunately, like most kids with horses, I had NO idea how lucky I was. I had Toffee for 5 years and he was my first pony and although I didn't ride him much because he was a little small for me, I was still very attached to him. I had Tonto for about 3 years. When I first got him he was awful. He was so naughty. Over the years I did sooo much work with him and he turned out great. I never gave up on him no matter how hard it was. When it was decided I'd move out, my dad said he'd buy Tonto for me. My dad isn't horsey in the slightest by the way, he hates them. My mum said she wanted £2000 for Tonto and he wasn't worth that at all. In the end I think he probably sold for about £1500? My dad said to my mum that he'd pay what he was worth if she got someone out to value him. Mum said £2000 take it or leave it. So he left it. So I lost my ponies. I rode them every day after school even though I didn't live at my mums. I walked past my house to the yard, too scared to go anywhere near it. One day I came and they were gone. It was horrible. I didn't get to say goodbye. That's when I realized how much they meant to me. I felt awful for months. All my rosettes which are displayed on my wall I continuously ripped down and shoved in boxes. I used to go and smell all of his stuff and just sob into it. One day I found a bag of it and found part of his tack and just started crying uncontrollably in front of my boyfriend. I tried to find Tonto. I put up posters and searched everywhere online. Rung people, emailed riding clubs - everything. I still haven't found him. I still ride now, but it's just not the same. Anyone who hasn't had a horse wouldn't understand really. You just get so attached to them. I'd give anything for Tonto back.

I've been with Tom almost 8 months now. I love him to bits. I know a lot of people will question whether a 16 year old can be in love. I'm certain we are. When I look at other people's relationships our age I can see how special me and Tom are. We're just so much more mature. I see him every day and usually every night, we pretty much live with each other haha. However, like all relationships, we have our hick ups. He's incredibly protective. I get on really well with guys rather than girls and I text a lot of guys. Tom never really lets me meet up with them though. I've never done anything for him not to trust me, but he just gets so angry about it. I'd never ever ever cheat on him. I met up with a guy friend yesterday and told Tom about it (he's away) and he didn't seem to mind that much. He was a bit pissed off about it, but he was better than he had been. But I know if he was home, he'd have gone nuts. Although saying all this, I can see his point of view exactly. If he was meeting up with loads of girls I'd feel awkward and worried too, but I trust him not to do anything and if he did it's his loss.

Me and Tom are really long term. We've talked about a future together and it seems realistic. The only little thing that bugs me is my lack of experience. Tom has slept with quite a few people and kissed a lot of girls. Me - I have only ever kissed him. I've never done anything with any other guy. I used to be really shy last year, but this year I've been more confident. I just sometimes feel like I want to explore...meet new people and stuff. But then another part of me says - Look at what I've got, it's amazing. I'd never ever give up what I have because I love Tom more than anything and he's perfect for me.

Self confidence is another thing that gets to me. I always compare myself to other girls. Tom loves me for who I am but I still want to be able to feel good about myself, which I don't. Some days I'm feel great and others I just feel crap. And then all ^ just piles up and I just feel like there's no point in anything. That's when I say stuff to Tom I shouldn't and just start being a bitch to everyone. It's been happening a lot recently and I'm not sure how to stop it.

So all this just brings me to the fact that the only thing I live for now is Tom. I don't get on fab with my dad, we're very different and not close at all. I don't have many friends and I don't speak to my mum. I'm just in a bit of a rut.

 

[Babylard]

hey girl, you are still very young. that gives a lot of room for change. love shouldnt have to do with age, but you should still be careful. people change over time, and thats inevitable. i had a high school sweet heart for at least 5 years going onto college, but things didnt work out. he changed. he just stopped caring. i left out after gettign fed up and i wish i had done it earlier. never feel like you HAVE to put up with anything. if it doesnt feel right, if you arent being treated right, you have the right to remove yourself from whatever is making you unhappy. i am not putting down yoru relationship or anything, but i hope you build yourself some sort of independence incase things do happen and you have a safety net to fall on. especially if you cannot rely on your parents.

you know, its perfectly fine that you arent "experienced" with other guys. ive only had 2 partners, my ex and my current boyfriend. my current boyfriend is quite respective about my freedom and i also talk to mostly guy friends as i played a lot of games in high school and wasnt lucky to meet many "good" female friends. he is much experienced with girls and it bothers me because they were things like one night stands and flings. but whats in the past is the past. we love our bfs for who they are now.

your avatar is beautiful! dont feel like you should be comparing yourself to others. you'l never be happy about it. put some mac on and embrace what you have. embrace who you are. its fine to have some flaws, but thats what makes us all different right?

i've also suffered losses of my precious budgie. so i can totally understand the pain of losing pets you love. my bird was like my baby. he slept in my room and i taught him how to speak, i let him sit on me while i study, we had a very close relationship. i had to go away for school and he wasnt taken very good care of while iwas away and passed on. to this day, i still feel very sad about it. so im sorry to hear that you lost your beloved ponies. a bird is small, but seriously, he was like my baby. i cry about it all the time. its something you can never let go of. that is proof that we really loved something.

you know, i havent been on good terms with my mother as we do argue a lot, but i make the effort knowing she loves me. dont blame yourself for not trying enough. your mother should have come after you. thats her fault, not yours. we cant pick our families and i've lost communications with a lot of my family members due to conflict and its a sad thing. but sometimes, its just the way it has to be. you made the effort, you wanted to love your mom, if she cannot stand up for you against her asshole husband or whatever, than thats where she failed you. dont blame yourself for anything. he shouldnt be threatening you and embarrassing you in front of your friends and your mother should not be allowing it to happen. you deserve to be loved, and i hope you'll find that in the future.

good luck, hope you feel better. life gets really rough and i know that for a fact, but we gotta keep fighting

 

[Verient]

Thanks

It means a lot that someone will type that much to help me, and it all makes sense to me x

 

[ashmarie019]

I don't want to hijack your post and talk about myself, but just trying to sympathize.

As for your relationship with your mother I am very sorry to hear that you two cannot even be in the same room together. I lost my mother at the age of 19 to a very rare form of cancer, she found out 6 months before she passed. With that being said our relationship was a nightmare because of her drug use and in general just some really bad situations she had me in. Long story short I never got to say goodbye until it was too late and I am haunted to this day. Now I will not say I was the one at fault because she completely ruined our relationship but I can say I could have made more of an effort.

My advice, try to encourage her to meet up with you in a public place just to see each other, catch up, whatever. If she refuses to see you without her jackass of a significant other, then all you can say is that you tried and in the end thats all you can do.

Nobody will ever replace your mother but if you get along great with your boyfriends mother then spend more time together, at that age a mother type figure is very important (or it was to me) and I was lucky enough to have someone to support me the whole way.

It is nice to hear that you and your boyfriend have a strong relationship, even at 16. I won't say you're so young blahblahblah but, you live, you learn, hold on to anything that truly makes you happy, because you're the one you should live for, no one else.

 

[Skin*Deep]

the mood swings and the lashing out, and all of that sound like you might just be a little depressed, do you have a counselor at school you can talk to? a neutral third party? When I was in high school I had an extremely supportive counselor, I was able to go to her office, shut the door, and tell her anything, and she always understood and helped me. I moved out of my Mother's house when I was 17, on very bad terms. I wish you luck, and I do hope you find a support system that expands beyond just the boyfriend..

 

[LMD84]

i moved out of my family home when i was 18 because me and my dad do not get on at all for reasons i won't give on the net. i had to leave behind my precious guinea pigs. and yeah i know they're not the same as a horse or pony but to me they were my babies

so i can understand how upset you are over losing yours. however you will start to feel better about it one day.

as for your boyfriend. i think it's great that you are both commited at such a young age - not many people are. however what worries me is that you say he won't let you meet up with your guy friends? it shouldn't matter what sex a friend is - a friend is a friend. i have mainly guy friends and i work with all blokes and my hubby is and always has been completely fine with it because he trusts me. if your guy is getting so worked up over things now, what will he be like in years to come when you can go out to clubs and stuff? i've been in a relationship before where the guy was very paranoid about friends and it got out of control quick quickly. what happened was not good at all

as for experiance i don't think that matters. what matters is being happy and comfortable with what you are doing. i really hope you start to feel better but relying on your boyfriend alone is not good at all.

 

[lafemmenoir]

Hmm...tough to reply without sounding preachy, but I don't want to not reply to someone who is obviously hurting and reaching out.
I do get what you're saying about the problems with parents. We don't get to pick them, but I had a wretched time trying to get on with my parents and now I realise they really did as cliche as it sounds do and give their best at the time. Don't take her for not caring, like you she may have some insecurities about being with her partner.
I wish I could say you met your soulmate as at 16 I thought "now" meant "forever." It will drive you mad but I must say, you are still quite young and have a lot of living, learning, and possibly loving to do in your life.
I have trust issues (hate that term) with men as well. I have all but given up on the ideology of a soulmate/partner, but when I read about the women here, I get that ounce of hope back

I guess I just want you to know that things will get better, parents aren't always perfect, and boys come and go so while it's great to love him and want a future with him, don't lose yourself. It happens a lot, and it's so so important to maintain your autonomy in any relationship and to preserve yourself. I really hope and wish the best for you. Family isn't just people you have blood ties to, establish a family of friends who respect you and you feel you can be accepted as you are