I feel so helpless...

[darkishstar]

WARNING: This is a very long post.

So does time really heal? Lately things have been.. coming back to me. Things I don't want to remember. I don't know if it's the stress of college or the fact that college seems like such a life and death decision that decides the fate of your life or how successful you will be.

First I want to say that this is NOT a sympathy post. I don't consider myself the most unlucky person in the world, I know there are people out there who have had it much much much worse and I probably sound frivolous and silly. I just want to know some opinion or advice on what I should do. Because lately I can't figure myself out, nor my life. So I'm going to tell a story, one I don't usually tell people because I don't want to garner sympathy for myself, nor do I want people to think that I'm some kind of attention whore that thinks "OMG, life is SO BAD, give me attention." Because that's not the case, but people usually judge me that way, so I've learned to shut up and bottle in my feelings and problems.

Recently a few friends of mine that I have just made in college told me that I never seem to be able to "let loose" or let myself completely go. This really bothered me for some reason because I thought I was a fun person that let loose now and then. But they told me I never let myself loose completely, that there is still a part of me that's guarded. Is this a bad thing?

See, when I was born, afterwards, my mother's uterus came out as well and had to be surgically placed back in her. Ever since, she was sterile, unable to have children. And she has schizophrenia. According to my mother's relatives (my aunts, uncles, grandparents), I am the reason she is this way. That it is my fault that she can't have kids anymore (she's always wanted a son, it's an Asian cultural thing I think) and that's why she went crazy and became schizophrenic. Now imagine what goes through a 4th grade child's head when they are being told this. To make matters worse, my father divorced my mother when I was 6 years old. This of course was blamed on me as well because he WANTED a son. When I was born, he walked out of the room the moment he found out I was a girl, because my older sister was a girl as well, and now there's no chance he'll have a son. I know my dad loves me and I love my dad as well. I don't blame my father for what he did, because he could not handle a schizophrenic woman very well. He didn't understand. She became a totally different person and said a lot of nasty things about his family. But only under an episode. Without the episodes, she is a total angel and nice woman. However, anger got the best of him, and he would beat her. And I saw and heard this. And who did I blame? Myself. After what I was told by my relatives, how could I not?

Now, it's easy to say that it was not my fault. However, I had to go through suicidal thoughts and anorexia in my sophomore year of high school before I've healed a little. And I've healed a bit since then, but there is always a nagging in my head that it's my fault that my mother has had such a terrible life. The few people I have told have told me it is not my fault, but I can't accept it.

And then comes patient rights. I believe my mother would be happier if she could get treatment or some kind of therapy. But if she insists that she is fine, she cannot receive treatment because they cannot force that upon a person against their will. Skewed as it may be by schizophrenia. So my solution? To become a psychiatrist/doctor so I can try and help her out a little. So now I am a neuroscience major. On my way to becoming a doctor.

So what's the problem?
That it's still there. The problem I have with not trusting people. That I can't let loose because if I hurt someone I will feel so guilty and blame myself. That's why I can't let loose. I always guard myself. Is this a bad thing?

The other problem?
I don't want to be a doctor anymore. I've always been more artistic and I would love anything to pursue a career in art or be a make-up artist. But I can't let myself be because I feel an obligation to help my mother, to relieve some of the guilt I feel because I still blame myself for what happened to my mother.

It's really hard to stop the tears back at the point that I'm typing this because even the fact of considering not becoming a doctor overwhelms me with such guilt. Because I can let myself be happy if I go pursue the career that I want, but I cannot make my mother happier by doing something that will make me happy. Plus, my mother wants me to be a doctor, so if I especially don't want to be a doctor, I will add even more to her unhappiness.

My sister already told me that the first step to my healing is to not live for other people (especially my mom and dad), but to go do what I want and be happy.
But I can't bring myself to do this.
I feel so guilty and sad.
Maybe that's why the "not letting loose comment" bothered me so much. Because I'm not as over this as I thought I was. Maybe I should go see a therapist? I have no idea.

I know that people out there have it worse than me, and it takes a lot for me to type this out because I have always believed that I'm a strong person and I don't want to seem like I'm asking for sympathy or acting like my life is so horrible when it's not. I'm just feeling so lost at the moment that I really don't know what I should do, and probably posting it on the internet isn't the best thing to do, but I want outside opinion which is a lot harder to solicit than friend's opinions. Which I don't really ask for either, because I don't want to burden them, nor do I want them to think that I'm acting like my life is so bad, when it's not.

Please help.

I feel so helpless.

 

[MadchenRogue]

First thing first, different cultures sets standards for its people but it does not necessarily mean it has to be followed like gospel. Just like how mothers tell their daughters that they'll marry a doctor, have a huge wedding and she will live happily ever after.... As we all know that is not true. This is just make believe. ONLY and ONLY us make our dreams and set the path of our goals. Your father acted very selfishly, your mother acted very selfishly. HOWEVER, I can understand how their culture defined them, and set a standard of expectations of what "Things ought to be". This is a very idealistic illusion only created to induce harmony and a common goal for people, BUT it does not necessarily mean it is correct. Many cultures have done this and I can see why THERE IS a high suicide rate in Asia, Teen pregnancy in Latin America and so forth. My dear, YOU make your destiny, ONLY you can make things happen for yourself. YOU need to live and make goals for yourself, not your parents, uncles, brothers, sisters, and so FORTH. THEY MADE THEIR OWN CHOICES AND LIVED WITH THEIR CHOICES. YOU ARE UNDER NO OBLIGATION TO FOLLOW SOMEONE ELSE'S DREAM. And should you make a leap to study sculpting in Italy or Culinary Arts in France--do it BECAUSE its what you love. You have one life and Do it with love, and passion. To live a life with regrets, its like living in a death sentence. If your mother wants you to be a doctor, tell her FOR HER to go to Medical school or some program to be nurses assistant. Should she even hint that she is ASHAMED of your choices, take it with a grain of salt. Her mental condition is so fragile, she would talk on autopilot. And if she refuses to get help, then WHY BOTHER TAKE ADVICE FROM ANYONE WHO REFUSES TO HELP THEMSELVES, AND YET EXPECT YOU TO FOLLOW THEIR ADVICE LIKE GOSPEL. Doesn't it sound hypocritical??????? What happened to her was awful, BUT she cannot blame her sterility ON YOU. Its Biology, its science. It happened, and move on-- make the best of what life has to offer. She (ur mom) lives in the past and refuses to be a better person, and this my friend will hurt you because the negativity will always be around you. Sometimes, getting away and having a fresh new start can help define you as the person you truly are--BUT YOU are not giving yourself that opportunity because you feel you owe it to your parents, to make up for something which was NOT UR FAULT. And even if you were the next Iron Chef with, three five stars restaurants, making millions and your mother STILL upset cause you are not a doctor---goes to show you that no matter what you do with your life, you can never make someone happy when all they see IS AN empty bottomless cup.
DO what YOU gotta do, grab life by the horns, and make something of yourself--so when you have your five minutes of life left, you can leave with peace, dignity, and fulfilled THAT YOU STUDIED AND WORKED ON THINGS THAT MADE YOU HAPPY, MADE YOU BE A BETTER PERSON, BE RESPECTED BECAUSE WHEN EVERYONE SAID YOU NEVER WILL SUCCEED, YOU PROVED THEM WRONG. No one, can take that away from you. Do what makes you happy, and Go after it with a vengeance.

 

[Girl about town]

Hi you can't help feeling the way you do! If you are told something your whole life you can't help that you feel that way. Firstly your mother is not mentally ill because of you! I have an aunt with schizophrenia and although a traumatic event like childbirth triggered her mental illness , she would have become sick at some point.

I totally empathise with you as i have seen first hand what mental illness can do to a family. You didn't ask to be born, and you sound like a lovely daughter so do not blame yourself! It makes sense that you would hold back from people if you are carrying all of this guilt. I think you should speak to a counciller to help let go of this feeling that it is somehow your fault and maybe then you can start living life for yourself xxxxxx

 

[chameleonmary]

Sweety I do not mean to sound like a wet blanket but you need to be selfish and think only of yourself for a while and do what makes you happy otherwise you may wake up one day and realise you really havent lived and enjoyed your life!

The first I can advise you can do is stop living someone elses dream, whether that be your parents, friends or family. If you really cannot see yourself handling a job as a doctor, do not put your mind and body through any more stress of the study and exams! Remember, you will be spending a good block of your life working so it needs to be somewhat enjoyable for you!

Block out the negative shit that fills your head. Do not be afraid to block out comments such as those from your family regarding your "fault" in your mothers condition. Your mother developed a condition which should have rendered assistance from her relatives and they behave in a cowardly manner and blame you. I have scant knowledge of psychology, but could it be possible that your mother suffered some kind of post natal depression which developed into schizophrenia? As for people saying you dont 'let loose', well that all comes down to what they expect 'letting loose' to be. My old friends saw 'letting loose' to mean 'lets get high'. I let loose by watching tv, going to concerts and playing with makeup. Boring to many, but it gets me happy and in the end thats all I want to be.

Put yourself in your mothers position. She would be sad to see you living a life you are not interested in or do not want. Of course, you should not totally cut ties from family, as in Asian culture I would imagine that family is a strong and valued unit, but be respectful whilst steering your life the way you want to.

LOVE YOURSELF. Most young people couldnt give a rats on their parents health. I see so many people who only come home to eat, shit and sleep and see their parents as a possible inheritance one day, maybe not on purpose, but through habit and being spoilt. I get the total opposite vibe from you, and its a good thing to have. You will pass the respect to a parent to your children one day and I think that is wonderful.

 

[Beauty Mark]

I would take your wishes for your mother (for her to get therapy or help) and use them for yourself.

NOTHING is your fault when it comes to your mother and father. You didn't choose how you were born, whether you were born, etc. Your father chose to beat your mother.

Back to choice, becoming a doctor doesn't mean you can help your mother. If she is unwilling to help herself, there is not a lot you can do. By becoming a doctor, the most you can do is help willing people in her situation. However, there are many ways of doing that without going to med school. Working the non-profit sector (education, awareness, etc.), art therapy... You don't have to administer the actual help to work with people who suffer from mental illness.

I reiterate you must follow through with the help you wish your mother would get herself. Approach therapy with an open mind and true dedication to helping yourself find happiness. Take care.

 

[Hilly]

Sorry girl that you're going through this. Seeing a therapist can be life changing for the better. I highly recommend it.

 

[slowhoney]

I would suggest counseling. It will help you sort out your thoughts about all of these things and perhaps help get you on the right track, the one that will make YOU happy. Dealing with all of this alone is only going to make it worse, so look into some family counseling clinics (they offer free counseling) and see what is available to you. You are not at fault for your mother's condition or your father's leaving--you need someone to help you see that. And your sister is absolutely right: you must live for yourself, not others. If you do not want to be a doctor anymore, do not become a doctor. What's worse--disappointing your mother, who will eventually get over it, or being stuck in a career that makes you totally unhappy? Don't forget, your patients will suffer as well if you do not love what you do. It will not just be you suffering. You need to follow your heart, as cliche as that sounds. If you need to be in a creative career, be in a creative career. It is not anyone else's decision. I know guilt is a very strong feeling, but be stronger than that--don't let it overcome you.

 

[darkishstar]

Thanks everyone for the sound advice.
I think it's funny how often the solution is so simple or right in front of you, but the person suffering cannot see it, but everyone else can. That is totally what I am seeing, and I think I was right in coming to the board for help.

I think it's so hard to make decisions like this because I have been living my life one solid set way (not my own way, I suppose), and going in a creative direction will potentially change ALL of that. And I mean ALL of it, and it's a scary thing.

Is this way of living, like becoming a doctor or lawyer if your parents want you to, really an Asian cultural sort of thing? I always thought it was, even if it is a stereotype.

 

[Girl about town]

having an impressive profession is an every culture type of thing!!!! just some parents are more set in their ways than others, i suppose a lot of adults want their kids to make up for their own failings.

Don't feel guilty for wanting to live your life your own way!! xxx

 

[Beauty Mark]

Typically speaking, I see more people with Asian parents who feel pressure to become something "great" than somethign they wish to become. That doesn't mean that white or black kids don't get that pressure; it's just less prevalent IMO.

 

[CantAffordMAC]

My sister already told me that the first step to my healing is to not live for other people...

Agreed. I wish you the best.

 

[darkishstar]

Thanks again everyone.

 

[lethaldesign]

I agree with what everyone else has been saying here.

You have to live your life for you.

You will never be happy if all you are doing is trying to please everyone else. This is one time when being "selfish" is the right thing to do.

I definitely recommend speaking with a therapist to sort out some of these guilt issues that you have. Also, start researching other career opportunities that interest you more than becoming a doctor & speak with a school counselor about changing your major so you can get on the right track.

Good luck & try to keep your head up!!