I Keep Bringing up the Past!!!

[CantAffordMAC]

hey guys...I know this is extremely immature but it seems like I'm constantly bringing up the past in my relationship.

example: my boyfriend and his friends went to philly around 11 one night, and i dont hear from him until almost 3 in the morning. I'm so mad i could scream, and I ask him what they did for the whole 3 or 4 hours they were there. He says they went to a pizza place and thats it. (this situation happened awhile ago)

Now i thought that was bullshit. Whenever I have a problem with him he basically tells me his side one time, and if i question him more than that, he curses me out, telling me to shut the f*ck up and he's not arguing anymore. But he does this when HE'S the one who messed up!! I have a right to question him, just like he used to question me.

he went to philly with the same friends that were always going to strip clubs, and getting mad that he wouldn't go with them. How am I supposed to feel comfortable knowing that??

another thing, the first night I met him (we had been talking on the phone for a good 2 months before we actually met) well him and his friends were giving me a ride home, so it was 2 guys in the front of the car, me and him in the back, and some girl that was at the house was in the back with us.

i never thought anything of that situation, until he told me a few months later that he slept with that girl who was in the back seat that night (he slept with her a few months before, and he said it only happened once). so i asked him numerous times if he did anything with her that night (hey, he lied to me about sleeping with her, so why wouldnt he lie about something else) and I find it hard to believe him sometimes.

its immature of me to bring up the past, but i can't explain why i do it. literally, i was in the shower today and something just popped into my head out of NOWHERE...

help me.

 

[MACATTAK]

It seems like you have trust issues with this guy. I wouldn't worry about the girl thing, because unless you guys were together at the time, it shouldn't matter what did/didn't happen at that time. Everyone has a past. In my relationships, I always think if there is more bad than good....it's time to re-evaluate. Hope all works out for you

 

[SparklingWaves]

Yep, I agree with MacAttak. This is totally about trust. I hear this guy is telling you one thing, but your gut is saying he isn't telling you the truth. I mean do Pizza Places stay open till 3 a.m. for a group of guys? I don't know, but your gut is saying no way.

Maybe he is the one that's immature and doesn't want a close relationship. That would mean opening up and telling the truth, but he may see that as "answering to a girl or being controlled by one". Immature guys think that the "guys" are number one over a girl. They don't want to look wimped by one to the guys. It's a very immature macho thing.

Maybe the past keeps coming up, because signs of it are repeating here and there.

 

[CantAffordMAC]

Quote:

Originally Posted by SparklingWaves Yep, I agree with MacAttak. This is totally about trust. I hear this guy is telling you one thing, but your gut is saying he isn't telling you the truth. I mean do Pizza Places stay open till 3 a.m. for a group of guys? I don't know, but your gut is saying no way. Maybe he is the one that's immature and doesn't want a close relationship. That would mean opening up and telling the truth, but he may see that as "answering to a girl or being controlled by one". Immature guys think that the "guys" are number one over a girl. They don't want to look wimped by one to the guys. It's a very immature macho thing. Maybe the past keeps coming up, because signs of it are repeating here and there.

you know its funny you say that, because he's always telling me that I act like I'm in control and I need to stop. I never thought in my mind "oh i'm in control of this relationship"....When i look for apartments for us, im acting like im in control. its ridiculous...and in the beginning of the relationship he was always saying how he would never act like he is above me, we would be equals. Yeah right...no matter what I do, its wrong. Even when we have sex, he gets mad if I "take control" or do something so that he would have to be submissive.

thanks for your help guys

 

[Beauty Mark]

I'm really not sure how he messed up in any of these situations. He should've called you, but some people don't think of that. If he hangs out with friends who go to strip clubs but he himself doesn't go, I don't see what's the big deal. I hang out with people who do all sorts of things that don't interest me and don't go along with them.

It sounds like you have a lot of trust issues and you ought to calmly talk to him about them.

 

[Shimmer]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Beauty Mark It sounds like you have a lot of trust issues and you ought to calmly talk to him about them.

I agree.

 

[CantAffordMAC]

thanks for everything guys this helped a lot

 

[Iridescence]

I agree with the other girls. You have to ask yourself if you are truly happy with this guy and if you see him in your future. It seems he puts you down quite a bit by telling you you are wrong. I know we aren't all right all the time but if he is direspectful to you, then thats another problem.

Have some time to yourself to think about if you are really happy. He isn't the only guy out there for you...you may think he is but if he doesn't make you the best person you can be and the happiest, then maybe you should re-evaluate what you're looking for in a relationship!

best of luck to you hun!!!!
PM if you need to talk.

 

[kaliraksha]

Yeah, I'm going to agree. People are sometimes honestly very different at how they portray things. My significant other "hurts me" often without even knowing it... I am a really sensitive person and him not so much. But it takes a lot of communication and trial and error for us to "get each other". For example, I hate feeling like I'm being "yelled" at. Where as for him that's a totally normal way of communicating when there is emotion. His parents and him always yell in their arguments/disagreements. Where as my parents never yelled at each other (that I heard of) and I was taught to never yell at an elder or anyone you respect (so basically everyone). So we had some huge issues. I would hear his tone of voice and freak out and cry and think something was really wrong when that's just how he communicated. It takes a lot of compromise. I have to remember that's how he was raised when he starts to talk to me in a tone and I just flat out tell him "I don't listen to your words when I hear your tone" and we have to recoup and try a different method. He has to remember that I am really sensitive to "yelling".

Anywho, that's just an example and I think you do have some trust issues and you guys stand a better chance if you are honest with each other about what is going on and why things make you feel certain ways.

For me, if that doesn't sound like something you are willing to go through with your BF or you don't think he would be up for the work it takes to make a relationship work then that's a deal breaker for me. I would say good-bye. I don't mind my fiance's quirks, friends, porn watchin, stripper loving, whatever- I do mind him not taking the time to understand why I'm upset or confused or hurt.

 

[OhSweetJane]

You know why you bring up the past with your man? Because to you, it ain't the past, it's the present!​

Every time he does something that makes you question his trust, you are reliving the experience of him cheating on you all over again. ​

You will never get over his cheating until you feel that he is sorry and that he won't ever do anything to make you even question his trust for a second.​

But we both know that isn't going to happen. We know this fool ain't about to get an apartment and settle down! ​

And we both know he's gonna cheat on you again. You know how I know that? Because he got away with it the first time! And you let him!​

You let that fucker cuss you out and treat you like shit, and in doing so, you taught this sorry ass excuse for a man that it's okay to treat you like that. ​

Girl, if you don't respect yourself, how is any man you get with going to?​

And when you question him about shit, which you have a right to do, and he gets mad and cusses you out, that is not him feeling sorry for cheating on you!​

That is him getting ANNOYED because he put his dick in somebody else and you wanna ask questions. ​

Like, how DARE you ask him questions about where the fuck he going, you're just his girlfriend!​

Only I don't think you're his girlfriend. ​

Don't get me wrong. I think that you think that you're his girlfriend. ​

But honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if the chick from the car is his real girlfriend and you're the one he's cheating on her with.​

Seriously? He had you in the SAME car as a girl he fucked? Is he fucking crazy or is he fucking brave? ​

Not in the same room, or the same house, we're talking about a car! ​

Have you ever seen two girls box it out in a honda civic? Because I have and it's not cute. ​

Shit, If a man ever cheated on me, you best believe that the chickenhead he fucked with better not be in the same ZIP CODE as me, let alone the same fucking car!​

How can you trust somebody to share your space and to help you pay rent when he's got you sitting in a car with a bitch he's been fucking? ​

And you're looking for apartments with him? Fuuuuck that. ​

Good, get an apartment with him. This way you can pay for and provide a place where he'll bring back bitches to fuck em. ​

Shit, he's probably cheating on your right now as I type this out. ​

Quote:

he's always telling me that I act like I'm in control and I need to stop.

​

Lemme break it down for you without sugar coating or bullshit, with nothing but love and lookin out for you, but girl...Your man is fucking around. You ain't in control of shit! ​

You know what you need to do? Go pick his ass up with some guy you fucked and drive around the city and see how he fucking likes that shit. I'm only kidding... or am I?

​

Come on girl. This guy is a fucking waste of skin. You need to tell this fool to kick rocks!​

 

[Shimmer]

Bitter, party of one. :/ Sorry but that's how you sound.

Additionally, whether you're wrong or right, you're making a snap judgment without all information, from again, a knee jerk, emotionally charged, place. Not cool.

 

[frocher]

Quote:

Originally Posted by OhSweetJane You know why you bring up the past with your man? Because to you, it ain't the past, it's the present!​ Every time he does something that makes you question his trust, you are reliving the experience of him cheating on you all over again. ​ You will never get over his cheating until you feel that he is sorry and that he won't ever do anything to make you even question his trust for a second.​ But we both know that isn't going to happen. We know this fool ain't about to get an apartment and settle down! ​ And we both know he's gonna cheat on you again. You know how I know that? Because he got away with it the first time! And you let him!​ You let that fucker cuss you out and treat you like shit, and in doing so, you taught this sorry ass excuse for a man that it's okay to treat you like that. ​ Girl, if you don't respect yourself, how is any man you get with going to?​ And when you question him about shit, which you have a right to do, and he gets mad and cusses you out, that is not him feeling sorry for cheating on you!​ That is him getting ANNOYED because he put his dick in somebody else and you wanna ask questions. ​ Like, how DARE you ask him questions about where the fuck he going, you're just his girlfriend!​ Only I don't think you're his girlfriend. ​ Don't get me wrong. I think that you think that you're his girlfriend. ​ But honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if the chick from the car is his real girlfriend and you're the one he's cheating on her with.​ Seriously? He had you in the SAME car as a girl he fucked? Is he fucking crazy or is he fucking brave? ​ Not in the same room, or the same house, we're talking about a car! ​ Have you ever seen two girls box it out in a honda civic? Because I have and it's not cute. ​ Shit, If a man ever cheated on me, you best believe that the chickenhead he fucked with better not be in the same ZIP CODE as me, let alone the same fucking car!​ How can you trust somebody to share your space and to help you pay rent when he's got you sitting in a car with a bitch he's been fucking? ​ And you're looking for apartments with him? Fuuuuck that. ​ Good, get an apartment with him. This way you can pay for and provide a place where he'll bring back bitches to fuck em. ​ Shit, he's probably cheating on your right now as I type this out. ​ Lemme break it down for you without sugar coating or bullshit, with nothing but love and lookin out for you, but girl...Your man is fucking around. You ain't in control of shit! ​ You know what you need to do? Go pick his ass up with some guy you fucked and drive around the city and see how he fucking likes that shit. I'm only kidding... or am I? ​ Come on girl. This guy is a fucking waste of skin. You need to tell this fool to kick rocks!​

I think you are projecting your feelings and experiences on her situation. She came for some advice on how to deal with this situation, come on, are your comments really helping?

 

[elisha24]

Ok first starters you aren't the first person to do this. I have been through the same issues with my bf and it's a really hard thing to work through. It's mostly a trust issue, you need to say to yourself I either trust him or I dont. If you dont think you can trust him end it simple as that.
If you decide you can discuss these issues with him or learn to get over it. What he has done has obviously hurt you, and its possible that there are other issues contributing to this... such as past bfs cheating or something from ur childhood to make you feel so angry/hurt by this. I spent months been angry at my bf to the point where I thought I would explode, its not healthy dont let it ruin your life! Work out why its upsetting you so much and if you think you can trust him.

 

[CantAffordMAC]

Quote:

Originally Posted by kaliraksha Yeah, I'm going to agree. People are sometimes honestly very different at how they portray things. My significant other "hurts me" often without even knowing it... I am a really sensitive person and him not so much. But it takes a lot of communication and trial and error for us to "get each other". For example, I hate feeling like I'm being "yelled" at. Where as for him that's a totally normal way of communicating when there is emotion. His parents and him always yell in their arguments/disagreements. Where as my parents never yelled at each other (that I heard of) and I was taught to never yell at an elder or anyone you respect (so basically everyone). So we had some huge issues. I would hear his tone of voice and freak out and cry and think something was really wrong when that's just how he communicated. It takes a lot of compromise. I have to remember that's how he was raised when he starts to talk to me in a tone and I just flat out tell him "I don't listen to your words when I hear your tone" and we have to recoup and try a different method. He has to remember that I am really sensitive to "yelling". Anywho, that's just an example and I think you do have some trust issues and you guys stand a better chance if you are honest with each other about what is going on and why things make you feel certain ways. For me, if that doesn't sound like something you are willing to go through with your BF or you don't think he would be up for the work it takes to make a relationship work then that's a deal breaker for me. I would say good-bye. I don't mind my fiance's quirks, friends, porn watchin, stripper loving, whatever- I do mind him not taking the time to understand why I'm upset or confused or hurt.

well me and you might have a lot in common then. I've always been pretty sensitive, I don't know why but I have been. If someone says something little but criticizing me as a person, I take it to heart. A lot of other people would've brushed it off but it has an effect on me.

His mom is ALWAYS screaming. Like, she's horrible. She's old and miserable, and bi-polar and if he doesn't do something right or if they argue, she screams at him, calling him names, and calling the cops. maybe thats why he yells and screams at me when I do something really little, but he knows i'm sensitive. i cry sometimes but its more like i just stop talking and i guess he can sense that im upset.

I can't picture myself with anyone else and i would be willing to work through this, because sometimes i even think its just my immaturity ruining our relationship

 

[CantAffordMAC]

Quote:

Originally Posted by OhSweetJane You know why you bring up the past with your man? Because to you, it ain't the past, it's the present!​ Every time he does something that makes you question his trust, you are reliving the experience of him cheating on you all over again. ​ You will never get over his cheating until you feel that he is sorry and that he won't ever do anything to make you even question his trust for a second.​ But we both know that isn't going to happen. We know this fool ain't about to get an apartment and settle down! ​ And we both know he's gonna cheat on you again. You know how I know that? Because he got away with it the first time! And you let him!​ You let that fucker cuss you out and treat you like shit, and in doing so, you taught this sorry ass excuse for a man that it's okay to treat you like that. ​ Girl, if you don't respect yourself, how is any man you get with going to?​ And when you question him about shit, which you have a right to do, and he gets mad and cusses you out, that is not him feeling sorry for cheating on you!​ That is him getting ANNOYED because he put his dick in somebody else and you wanna ask questions. ​ Like, how DARE you ask him questions about where the fuck he going, you're just his girlfriend!​ Only I don't think you're his girlfriend. ​ Don't get me wrong. I think that you think that you're his girlfriend. ​ But honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if the chick from the car is his real girlfriend and you're the one he's cheating on her with.​ Seriously? He had you in the SAME car as a girl he fucked? Is he fucking crazy or is he fucking brave? ​ Not in the same room, or the same house, we're talking about a car! ​ Have you ever seen two girls box it out in a honda civic? Because I have and it's not cute. ​ Shit, If a man ever cheated on me, you best believe that the chickenhead he fucked with better not be in the same ZIP CODE as me, let alone the same fucking car!​ How can you trust somebody to share your space and to help you pay rent when he's got you sitting in a car with a bitch he's been fucking? ​ And you're looking for apartments with him? Fuuuuck that. ​ Good, get an apartment with him. This way you can pay for and provide a place where he'll bring back bitches to fuck em. ​ Shit, he's probably cheating on your right now as I type this out. ​ Lemme break it down for you without sugar coating or bullshit, with nothing but love and lookin out for you, but girl...Your man is fucking around. You ain't in control of shit! ​ You know what you need to do? Go pick his ass up with some guy you fucked and drive around the city and see how he fucking likes that shit. I'm only kidding... or am I? ​ Come on girl. This guy is a fucking waste of skin. You need to tell this fool to kick rocks!​

when did I ever say he cheated?? As far as I'm concerned, he's NEVER cheated on me...lol so your whole post is irrelevant. but thanks for trying

 

[n_c]

You know what you need to do? Go pick his ass up with some guy you fucked and drive around the city and see how he fucking likes that shit. I'm only kidding... or am I?

​

[/quote/]

LOL!!!

 

[giz2000]

Quote:

Originally Posted by CantAffordMAC I can't picture myself with anyone else and i would be willing to work through this, because sometimes i even think its just my immaturity ruining our relationship

I have been following this post and I just wanted to put my two cents' in..for what it's worth:

Your immaturity is NOT ruining this relationship. His is. What you perceive as your immaturity is actually your gut telling you that he is not trustworthy. His story kept changing about this other girl (I can pretty much bet you that he slept with her more than once...and that the time frame may not be totally correct either). He lies to you. Repeatedly. Why do you want to make a life with someone who does that? Funny how you're the one looking for apartments for the two of you live in. Why isn't he the one looking? If you're not too busy trying to plan a life together, then he shouldn't be either. Think about that...where's the initiative from him?

You don't sound immature at all. You sound like you know what you want out of life. What saddens me is that you say that you can't picture yourself with anyone else? Why? Do you feel that you're not good enough to be with a man who loves and respects you, instead of lying to you and cussing you out when you question him? You KNOW you deserve better.

I have seen many women waste some of the best years of their lives trying to "change" a man. He isn't going to change unless he wants to. I hope things work out for you, whichever way you decide to go.

 

[kimmy]

it's weird to see this posted because i was just thinking about how i always brought up the past in my last relationship.

it doesn't show immaturity, it shows a trust issue. my ex lied to me in the very early months of our relationship about the girl before me, and for the remaining eight months of our relationship i brought it up constantly in hopes that someday his defense would be good enough for me and i would be able to trust him again.

never happened. still don't trust a word he says to this day.