I still miss my ex.

[iiifugaziii]

my ex and I broke up about 4 months ago (we were together for 3 1/2 years) and I'm still not over him. he doesn't really talk to me that much and he has like 1000 women on him all the time and he flirts with other girls. I'm not looking for sympathy. I just have no one to talk to about it. I still can't stop fucking thinking about him!!! I am crazy. he slept with another girl towards the end of our relationship, too! I wish I could hate him, but I can't. I'm even together with another guy now and I feel terrible because I really don't like this guy as much as I (feel like) i'm in love with my ex.
ahhhh. goin' crazy. just wanted to VENT and write it down!

I guess all I want to ask is.. anyone else who had over a year or two relationship have any ideas how long it's going t otake me to stop thinking about this guy? I'm freaked out b/c there was a guy before him that took almost 3 years to get over completely.
I think when I fall in love I just fall hard or something.

 

[Julie]

It took me a several years to completely get over an ex. I think when it ends bad it is harder. We were really young and were together on and off for a few years and when it ended I only talked to him once right after we broke up and then I never seen him again. In our relationship I took him for granted and was the bad one that would break up with him when I wanted to see another guy and then we would get back together once that fling ended. Finally he couldn't take it anymore and he didn't take me back. I've been with my current boyfriend now for almost ten years and I still think about him every now and then but I know it would have never worked. It might take you a while to get over him but once you do you will be an even stronger person.

 

[HOTasFCUK]

Im in the same position as you....me and my bf broke up in august because i found out he made out with sum bitches when he went clubbing which he didnt think was a big deal! well we broke up and still slept together twice in august then in september he texted me and said he couldn't stop think about me. We ended up spending the next 3 months together but we were still technically not together. Christmas time we didnt see each other so much and i've been trying to move on but its so hard because we are still so involved in each others lives. But were still single and im insanely jealous of anything. I miss him as a boyfriend even though it feels like i have him. I dont trust him enough to take him back n he wants to be single. i like being single but i miss us. we act like a couple but were not and i do want to move on but then i dont. im always lost and i cant talk to him about it either. we were together for 3 years and i can;t see myself getting over this either!

 

[Pink_minx]

I think it will take some time, three years of relationship is long! but he seems like he has moved on quicky what a jerk! I guess men are like that, when i broke up with my ex we were together for almost 2 years like 1 week later he had a gf already ugh! jerks. No matter how much you try to keep yourself busy with friends or try to date other guys it wont make it go away right away so I guess you will have to wait until this feeling fades away...hopefully soon cause it seems like its tearin you apart! hope all goes well soon and stay strong!

 

[laurenmo88]

wow cutie, this just happened to me last month - still coping i duno what else to tell u except try to be strong

 

[moonrevel]

This probably won't sound too promising, but there's a silver lining to this cloud! I dated my first love (like, the first time I thought what I was feeling was love) for all of high school, and it was one of those love/hate relationships. We would fight, break up, I would go after someone else and always come back to him, etc. That probably sounds horrible, but I was just scared of someone knowing me so well and feeling all these intense emotions so I kept trying to run away from it even though I really did love him. He was my best friend, and I couldn't talk to anyone else like I could talk to him. Eventually, we finally called it quits when we went to different colleges. I tried not to care, and ended up going right into another four year (now failed) relationship with someone who was completely his opposite, and all the time I would think that I wished I could just talk to him again like we used to, and that we weren't both so bitter about everything that we could still be friends.

I have a great boyfriend now who is even better than he was and I love, and I see staying with for a long time (dare I say, forever?), because I am older and more mature now by leaps and bounds than I was then. However, even though I'm so happy and it's been six years since we last spoke, I still sometimes think of him fondly and miss him. I would never want to be back with him, but I do still have a little pang of regret from time to time that things turned out the way they did. However, feeling that way has made me better able to have a healthy relationship, rather than the sort of unhealthy one we had. I don't know if that makes any sense, but I guess what I'm saying is that the tinge of pain about the mistakes I've made helps me be a better person and a better girlfriend now.

 

[kaliraksha]

I feel some of your pain, dear. I've been with my guy for 4.5 years... and everytime we break up for a prolonged period of time I feel like it can't possibly be over because I know we both still care about each other. Eventhough he dated someone else (which I did not know about) during one of our breakups (eventhough we were still having sex arrrrrrrrrrr) I could tell he never really liked her....in my psychology class I've reinforced a little of the common sense. Statistically men leave whenever they see another possibility.... women leave whenever they fall out of love. Women are more likely to justify an affair if it was love, men are more like to justify it if it was "just sex".


When I was away from him, I felt like everyday was a freaking chore.... waking up was the worst part of my day. I couldn't eat, wouldn't sleep, cried myself to sleep every night for months.... finally (I know how incorrectly motivated this was) I decided to start working on me so that when he took me back (I knew he would in time) that I would be better than the me he left. But that's good motivation over all... do everything you always wanted to do... I watched a bunch of classic movies, started a series, read, started belly dancing, excercising, trying to become my own self taught barista... got closer to my single girlfriends so we could bitch about guys..got closer to my little brothers.... talked to a guy who had liked me for years and just lavished his attention even though I knew and he knew it wouldn't be more. It was all reinforcing for me... I became this girl I never had time for when I was with him. It was completely his loss then... and ever since the day he's come back... I make him work for the me he forced me to be.

 

[msthrope]

i have heard that for every year you spend in a relationship, it takes a year to get over the person and i have found it to be a pretty accurate rule

 

[mel0622]

yeah my bf did that to me too. at the time we were dating for a year. well...he SAID he cheated on me but he just wanted a break. so i really did think he cheated on me! it made me so sad, cried every night, couldnt sleep well at all. it took almost 4 months to get over it and say i dont need you. and he came crawling back. and were still together.

just give it some time. thats all you need. and a good shoulder to cry on, although i didnt have one...

 

[jeannette]

Quote:

Originally Posted by pink_minx No matter how much you try to keep yourself busy with friends or try to date other guys it wont make it go away right away so I guess you will have to wait until this feeling fades away

That's absolutely true. It really takes time...4 months is actually quite a short period of time in that sense. The hurt will just fade away in time. It will!

 

[pinotnoir]

Quote:

Originally Posted by iiifugaziii I guess all I want to ask is.. anyone else who had over a year or two relationship have any ideas how long it's going t otake me to stop thinking about this guy? I'm freaked out b/c there was a guy before him that took almost 3 years to get over completely. I think when I fall in love I just fall hard or something.

A common rule is that it usually takes half the length of time to get over the ex. If your relationship is a year, it will take 6mths to be okay. I shouldnt be saying it but for the most part, the rule works for me. While I still date other people before that time is up, I usually reach the stage where I can see him and not want to kick his ass/break down in tears if I were to use the common rule.

Look at it this way, if it was that easy to get over the ex than perhaps, it wasn't really love afterall.

 

[BeautifulPsycho]

I have a fiancee of over four years, and we have a child together. He was horrible to me.. Cheated, was mentally and physically abusive and as bad as he treated me it still took me almost two years to fully get over him. One day you'll wake up and it just wont hurt anymore. Force yourself to think about the bad times you had with him and focus on the good things with your new guy.

 

[jennycateyez]

its very hard to get over a guy i understand, i think one day you would just wake up and not think about him again! sometimes it just happens like that

 

[serendipityii]

Amazing, I went through/am going through the same exact thing. My ex and I dated for 3 years, with many little breakups in between. We just couldn't get our shit together and broke up for good in October '05, and I eventually dated another guy in December. Well, I figured out that I'm not over my ex, and I couldn't bear to date another guy knowing that I still have feelings for another one. I ended up breaking up with the 2nd guy, and am now trying to keep myself busy so that I don't feel like I need a guy around. Good luck... I feel you.

 

[kimmy]

Quote:

Originally Posted by iiifugaziii I think when I fall in love I just fall hard or something.

that's how i roll, too. and it blows. because it takes a while to get over EVERYTHING. whether it's a breakup or just a simple fuck-up on their part, everything hurts alot and takes a long time to get over.

but i think after a while, it's just gonna go away. my best advice would be to find something that makes you happy and do it. all the time. whenever you start thinking about him, do something constructive that takes brain power so you focus on that and not him.

i hope you can get over him soon though, it sucks when they've moved on and you can't

 

[pumpkincat210]

They say it takes half the time you were with someone to get over them.. In your case you will be over him after 1.5 years since you were together for 3. But don't worry as you build new memories and meet new people you'll stop missing him so much.

 

[Gloriamgo]

I completely know what you're going through, I went through something very similar with my ex, and broke up with him in december (after five years of being only with him!), so it's been about the same time for me...but I think if it was such a significant relationship to you, there is no set amount of time that you should be over it...I don't know if that makes sense...but just take everything as it comes and know you can rise above it all and one day you'll realize you haven't thought of him in such a long time you can't even remember the last time you did, and everything will be alright...but yeah, if you ever need to vent a little more, send me a pm, like I said, I went through something VERY similar to what you did...

Oh, yeah, and I still miss him too, I want to hate him so much but it's just not possible...even though I hate what he did, I JUST CAN'T hate him.

 

[AlliSwan]

God I wish I could offer advice... My boyfriend of 3 1/2 years just broke up with me today. We were going to get married, the whole thing. And we're just over. I can't even imagine getting over him. The fact that you're dating again after just 4 months makes me feel good and gives me hope, even if you're not totally over your ex.

 

[showpuli]

Hihi,
Fact is if you really loved - and how can you tell if you did - well real love is not replaceable, wheras an attachment is. A lot of people get attached to someone and think they 'love' but then when the need is gone and another is found to fill the void that the attachment was based on and you end up thinking 'why was I sweating him so much I could care less about him now'...then you know it was not a pure love.

I am 32 and have ONLY had pure love with 2 men in my life. I am married (9 years) to an amazing man but we have the attachment kind of love, and the love that comes from being partners in raising kids. It is so sad for me sometimes but I always think of gratitude that my children have such an amazing father. He is a good man...but alas, can we control who enters deeply into our hearts?

As for the two I have loved, well one was not the kind of boy that anyone would settle down with. He was a bad boy, probably end up in prison one day (maybe he is I don't talk to him anymore) but there are days when I remember sonething and my heart feels this ache, like a stretching out and wanting to connect with him. Time makes the incidents further apart, but it is always there somewhere.

The other love was more recent 3 years ago. I did not have an affair, but lov eis funny sometimes, who it chooses. At first when we ended our friendship (he was a close friend who always had the potential to destroy my marriage) I cried nonstop for days. Then it got less and less but still hurt every day. It took about 6 months to really get to a point where I did not want to call or email. Now 3 years later it is the same, I go through moments where I think about him and wish I could call (he has since moved on has a new girl and proved to me the break up was a positive descision). I wish I could wipe him out of my memory, out of my heart but I can't. It is like a f*kin haunting, a ghost that floats inside your mind and chews at your thoughts.

So I know that was long, but I wanted you to see how love seems to somehow choose the unattainable, then invades us with it. What worked for me in both was to TRY and I know this seems impossible but TRY to break all contact. Take away all reminders, cleanse your environment of everything that your brain can attach to him. Then start creating new memories to replace the ones of him. It will be TERRIBLY HARD, but if you can try bit by bit one day you will wake up and say 'wow I haven't thought of him in days!'.

Best of luck and if you ever need to vent, email me at [email protected] feel free to write a 10 page 'why I hate my ex but miss him so much' rant. *hugz*

Take care girl!

ilona

 

[showpuli]

Quote:

women leave whenever they fall out of love. Women are more likely to justify an affair if it was love, men are more like to justify it if it was "just sex".

by the way in regards to this I have an amazing book I can send you called Anatomy of Love (I'm a writer and had to read it for novel writing class) but it is amazing as it tells the whole biology behind love and attachment etc. It helps us understand why we feel certain ways about love...

anyway my point is that I read that in regards to infedelity - women are more likely to forgive a man who has an affair that is 'just sex' but feel deeply betrayed if a man feels deeper feelings for the other woman. Wheras men feel no betrayal even if there is emotional attachment in a relationship outside the marriage, but the moment they feel betrayal and unforgiveness happens is when the partner has actual 'sex' outside the marriage.

how backwards is that!

I guess that's why my husband cared nothing about my non physical affair. He asked me 'why are you so upset, you didn't f*ck him did you?" I said 'no" and he was totally fine with it! He said 'well if you didn't do anything with him then what's the big deal?'

MEN!

Someone pass me my make up!!