I'd love any advice you have...

[Dani]

Ok..so yesterday I was at the GYN and I was alone in the room with my mom, waiting to get the HPV shot. Somehow the topic turned down the 'you only need a pap smear if youre sexually active' road, and I ended up telling her that I'd had sex with my boyfriend (who I've been with for over a year, I'm 17 and turning 18 in October). I knew she wasn't going to be happy, but I didn't want to lie to her and I would have liked to believe that I could come to her with this kind of thing, but shes so...not even mad, but she was really upset, and for the past day and a half it feels like she doesn't love me anymore. I don't know what to do. It's enough that I can't really talk to my dad, but I love my mom sooo much and now it seems like she doesn't want anything to do with me. I was sick all day and even threw up at one point, but I don't know if it was because I'm upset or something from the shot or both. I know I have to give her time but I really want my mom right now and it's killing me that things are like this between us. I'm sorry if I'm being overdramatic about it, on one hand I might be but deep down kinda don't think so, and I'm sorry this is so long and badly paragraphed and has horrible spelling, but I started crying in the middle of typing and my mascaras running into my eyes...(haha..)
Thanks for anything you guys can throw at me <3

 

[MACATTAK]

I'm so sorry you feel so bad. I know in my family the rule was kinda "don't ask, don't tell." My parents were really strict & would have freaked the hell out if they knew I was having sex. My parents never asked me about if I was having sex, so I never offered any info. I probably would have lied anyway at that time. My family wasn't real open on the subject. If I had any questions or anything, I would just talk to a doctor. However, since it came out, I'd just give it a little while to blow over. I'm sure your mom is still in shock, but I'm sure that doesn't mean she loves you any less. It's just hard to hear that sort of thing. I mean even if you think it might be happening, it's hard when you actually "know" it's happening. Cheer up though, I'm sure it will be better soon, just give it a little time

 

[YvetteJeannine]

Of course she's upset; you're her baby. Her little girl. A little version of herself that she wants to have a better life than she did.

I understand how terrible it is to have your Mother so disappointed in you...it's only because she loves, values, and cherishes you more than anything. You say you have a close relationship with her....so there is also probably some stinging hurt there that you didn't confide in her that you wanted to do it/did it.

I understand you feel you are old enough for a sexual relationship...I was eighteen myself (and in a long-term thing) when I first became active in that manner....I think it's pretty much a hallmark time in many teens' lives for sexual activity...But Mom doesn't get that. To her, you're still three years old, having your hair brushed before being tucked into bed with a story.

And, looking in her point of view, eighteen IS really young. Hell, most eighteen year olds don't even know what the hell they are doing most of the time (no offense gals...) with guys, love, and sex. And let's face it; commencing sexual activity is a HUGE change in a girls' life.

Maybe you could pick a time when it's quiet (perhaps in a few days when this has sunk in more for her), and tell her how much you love her, and that you really wanted to tell her what was going on, but you didn't want her to be disappointed with you. Tell her that you love this person, and you felt ready (she most likely felt the same way herself about a young man when she was your age). Let her know she will always be a part of your life (and she's probably smarting from thinking you don't feel that way about her anymore), and you want to be able to have an 'open' mother/daughter relationship with her, but you don't want to feel she's judging you.

I hope things get cleared up. Just remember, she loves you; and will ALWAYS love you...no matter what mistakes you make. Let us know what happens

 

[righteothen]

The fact that she is update is a good sign that she still loves you. Besides, what mother would stop loving their child over something like this? It's going to take her a little while to get over the shock, but she will. Like others said, she still thinks of you as her little girl, and she's going to have to get through that.

I know others said that you are really young, but I'm proud that you waited that long. Around here, it's not uncommon for 15 year olds to start having sex. I was 18, and it was with my long term boyfriend, who is now my husband. All of my friends (that have told me) were a lot younger.

You just have to give her time, but don't distance yourself to do it. Just let her think about it for a while, and she'll calm down.

Also, as a side note, I was told by my GYN that it's sexually active, or 18. Yearlies help detect cancer, and you don't have to be sexually active to get cancer.

 

[xolovinyoo]

wow. I'm 17 too and i lost my virginity when i was 15. i have not told my mom, but i told my aunt and she didnt really care she just said to use the 'rubber' quote. lol, but yeah. if my mom ever found out then.. damn. but ill tell you this, dont let it get you down, im pretty sure your mom loves you, shes just probably upset right now because she thinks you're too young. Just let time pass, and she will get over it eventually, she just has to accept that you're growing up. Wow, throwing up? i got my HPV test about 2 weeks ago and i have Not been throwing up. ? weird. but yeah, just wanted to tell you to keep your head up

peace.

 

[melliquor]

Talk to your mom. She still loves you but she sees you as her little girl. It will take time for her to get used to the idea of you growing up. You should maybe suggest a day out together and really have a long talk about what is going on.

 

[Shimmer]

It's a HUGE shock for a parent to have to make the stop from "that's my baby child" to "that's my baby adult child", and sexual activity is one of the things that will cause that step to be made.

Your mom loves you, more than you could possibly realize. Give her a little time, then when you're both in a good frame of mind, talk to her again.

Props to you for not hiding anything.

 

[dmenchi]

just give her some time! you are her baby and she needs to deal with you growing up. You know it probably made her realize that soon you might get married and start your own family( with soon i don't mean nessacarily with your bf, but i like 5 -10 years-and believe me time flies the older yoy get LOL)
you are in such an important itme in your live where you establish your own identity and all that and your mom isn't really a part of this whole process( i mean she is,but it's more you working on yourself

)
believe me ,the fact that your so open with her will bring you closer and sooner than later your whole relatioship will change from daughter & mother ,to more one of loving friends. at least that's what happened to me and my mom.i love her as my mom ,but i appreciate her more as my friend.
i hope you'll feel better soon

 

[xsnowwhite]

i agree, you just have to give her some time.
have you tried talking to her yet?

 

[rebekah]

Hey girl, your mom is definatly over reacting to the situation, although she may feel your too young or whatever it has already happened and atleast you're in a long term relationship you know.
Have a sit down with your mom and let her know that the way she is reacting is really hurting you.
Having a conversation with her about it is the only thing that will make you both feel better.
I'm sorry that she sort of put you in an embarrasing situation.

 

[Dani]

Thanks for all the advice and support guys, it really made me feel better

And while we haven't talked yet, I think I might give it until next Thursday (just so it's an even week I guess) for it to set in. Things seem a little better, she's acting warmer to me now and I think it should end up ok. I'll definately give you an update if anything happens but for now..

thanks for everything it ment so much, you're all amazing.

 

[Beauty Mark]

When you talk to her, you might want to assure her that you are practicing safe sex (I assume you are). It's tough for parents to find out their babies aren't babies anymore

 

[Dani]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Beauty Mark When you talk to her, you might want to assure her that you are practicing safe sex (I assume you are). It's tough for parents to find out their babies aren't babies anymore

You're right to assume that lol, she put me on the pill awhile ago because I was having terrible cramps, and whenever we have sex we use spermicide condoms

Anyway, we talked, and she mostly said I better be using condoms and taking my pill religiously. She even made a joke (kinda lol) that it would have been funny if his whole family came into the house (i told her we used his house while they were on vacation cause she asked when we did it) and there we were. We're pretty much back on good terms, thank you for everything guys!!

 

[MACATTAK]

Good. I'm so glad to hear everything is getting back on track

 

[giz2000]

Re: I'd love any advice you have...*Updated!*

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dani Ok..so yesterday I was at the GYN and I was alone in the room with my mom, waiting to get the HPV shot. Somehow the topic turned down the 'you only need a pap smear if youre sexually active' road, and I ended up telling her that I'd had sex with my boyfriend (who I've been with for over a year, I'm 17 and turning 18 in October). I knew she wasn't going to be happy, but I didn't want to lie to her and I would have liked to believe that I could come to her with this kind of thing, but shes so...not even mad, but she was really upset, and for the past day and a half it feels like she doesn't love me anymore. I don't know what to do. It's enough that I can't really talk to my dad, but I love my mom sooo much and now it seems like she doesn't want anything to do with me. I was sick all day and even threw up at one point, but I don't know if it was because I'm upset or something from the shot or both. I know I have to give her time but I really want my mom right now and it's killing me that things are like this between us. I'm sorry if I'm being overdramatic about it, on one hand I might be but deep down kinda don't think so, and I'm sorry this is so long and badly paragraphed and has horrible spelling, but I started crying in the middle of typing and my mascaras running into my eyes...(haha..) Thanks for anything you guys can throw at me <3

I am going to give you the mom perspective on this: I have teenagers as well (my 17 year old son and my 17 year old stepdaughter), and while I am sure that she appreciates the fact that you were upfront with her and told her that you were sexually active ( I know I would), there is a part of her that realizes that her little girl is not a little girl anymore. As a parent, it comes as a shock to realize that your child is growing up. I would describe it as a mixture of sadness, happiness, shock, and despair (because you kids grow up so damn fast!!) So, please don't think that she doesn't love you. She's trying to come to terms with you growing up (and her getting older). Trust me...been there, done that. She'll come around...don't worry (and kudos to you for taking such good care of yourself).

 

[giz2000]

Quote:

Originally Posted by YvetteJeannine Of course she's upset; you're her baby. Her little girl. A little version of herself that she wants to have a better life than she did. I understand how terrible it is to have your Mother so disappointed in you...it's only because she loves, values, and cherishes you more than anything. You say you have a close relationship with her....so there is also probably some stinging hurt there that you didn't confide in her that you wanted to do it/did it. I understand you feel you are old enough for a sexual relationship...I was eighteen myself (and in a long-term thing) when I first became active in that manner....I think it's pretty much a hallmark time in many teens' lives for sexual activity...But Mom doesn't get that. To her, you're still three years old, having your hair brushed before being tucked into bed with a story. And, looking in her point of view, eighteen IS really young. Hell, most eighteen year olds don't even know what the hell they are doing most of the time (no offense gals...) with guys, love, and sex. And let's face it; commencing sexual activity is a HUGE change in a girls' life. Maybe you could pick a time when it's quiet (perhaps in a few days when this has sunk in more for her), and tell her how much you love her, and that you really wanted to tell her what was going on, but you didn't want her to be disappointed with you. Tell her that you love this person, and you felt ready (she most likely felt the same way herself about a young man when she was your age). Let her know she will always be a part of your life (and she's probably smarting from thinking you don't feel that way about her anymore), and you want to be able to have an 'open' mother/daughter relationship with her, but you don't want to feel she's judging you. I hope things get cleared up. Just remember, she loves you; and will ALWAYS love you...no matter what mistakes you make. Let us know what happens

I totally agree 100%. It's hard to let go of your "babies," because in all honesty, you never stop being a parent. You try to raise your kids well, and send them off in the world with your heart in your throat. Someday, when you have kids of your own (if you so choose to), you'll see what I mean, and remember this time in your life.