in law drama-help!

[kaexbabey]

hi guys so i need to rant and i need some advice.

first, a little background info. my husband and i are young. 20 & 21. we had a baby when i was 18 and he joined the army to support us because we didn't want to stay w/ his parents and i didn't want to stay with mine. we're originally from california and he got stationed all the way across the country meaning we would have to start out fresh and new with nothing really. we didn't have our own place before he left for the army, i stayed w/ my aunt. so all we really brought with us were the clothes and baby stuff we had. everything else we had to buy when we got here. we didn't even had a car. we're living on just his income which is okay for the rank he is. we were even doing good w/ saving & not shopping for things we didnt really NEED (makeup, clothes), like i thought we would.

ok, so this is where the story begins. last summer 2007 when he was in bootcamp his sis asked to borrow $800. since i was living rent free w/ my aunt at the time, my husband said ok go ahead and give it to her. we moved here in september, so it's been 3 months. we asked if she could give us some of the money since we had nothing here. no payment. i dont remember when, but she finally gave us about $200. then a little later she gave my husband's other bro $200 to deposit in our account for us, but for some reason my FIL took it. how he got it, i have no idea. then his mom ended up paying that $200 back to us. around may of this year we went back home to california, and so in march we asked her if we could have more of the money by april so we could get our tickets cheaper. nothing. she said "i'll give it to you guys when you guys get here". nothing. oh and also, before we left, his mom borrowed $1800 that we had to take from our savings!

we thought his mom would pay us back when we got home, but she didn't so basically, all my hauling and eating out plans went down the drain.

so after coming back from our trip at home, his sis gave us $100 more and his mom paid us only $500 so far. mind you, they're not poor. they have well paying jobs so i dont know why they're always "broke" when my husband asks them for money.

my husband asked his mom for more money a few days ago and she said she was broke. we really need it because i'm pregnant and i'm due in 2 weeks! and we still need some stuff, and not only that but it's our money and we just want it back!

its almost been a year since his sister borrowed. i texted her today asking for the rest of the $300 she owes us. this was my first time asking them because my husband would ask all the other times. and it's not like we bug them we ask maybe once a month. so i texted her politely asking for the money because i'm almost due and we still need baby stuff. and i guess she thought it was my husband texting but just him using my phone.

so she said "sorry (my husband's name here), but we're broke too..i'll try to borrow, what do u need?"

so i said "oh this isnt (husband's name), this is (my name). and we still need a double stroller, carseat, and we need to pay my mom's bf back from when my husband accidentaly hit his car"

and thennn she said. "u know what, i understand that (husband's name) is the only one working, & we're in the same situation too. (both her and her husband were working though last time we were home. so idk if thats true or she stopped working recently) i'm not trying to avoid paying u guys and i will when we're not too tight in budget."


well its been a year and she even had bday parties for both her kids this year. don't i have a right to be mad? i mean come on, a year? and yeah i understand you'd wanna have parties for your kids, but how bout a smaller party? idk but i'm getting really angry and idk what to say next. & i dont even know when the heck his mom will pay us. help?

sorry for the long post!

 

[pinkvanilla]

Yes you have a right to be mad! I would be too

I think you really need to have a talk with your husband about it - are you in a position to demand the money back rather than asking for it? I know this may sound really harsh, but sometimes people just have to be told?

I know how you feel though! My sisters and brother ALWAYS ask to borrow money off my mum and sometimes she never sees it back

It makes me sad, but for some reason mum just won't say no to them

I understand this is a parent thing, but they always do it! And they are kind of the same, spending money on stuff but when it comes to bills or paying people back they say "oh sorry no money" and have to borrow again, it's a never ending cycle!

They used to ask me as well until I started getting angry. They are so much older than me so they should be able to support themselves. Since then they have stopped asking me..

But yeah if I was in your situation I would just demand the money back (um, in the nicest way possible lol). If they are in well paying jobs then it shouldn't be too hard (unless what your SIL said is true..). I think it's dragged on for too long and you have the right to your money back! Same with the mother, that is alot of money that she borrowed so you should definitely be entitled to that back!

oh congrats on the bub, not too long to go now

(sorry if I am not making any sense, I'm sick so my mind is all over the place lol).

 

[jasminbarley]

*****

 

[kaexbabey]

Quote:

Originally Posted by pinkvanilla Yes you have a right to be mad! I would be too I think you really need to have a talk with your husband about it - are you in a position to demand the money back rather than asking for it? I know this may sound really harsh, but sometimes people just have to be told? I know how you feel though! My sisters and brother ALWAYS ask to borrow money off my mum and sometimes she never sees it back It makes me sad, but for some reason mum just won't say no to them I understand this is a parent thing, but they always do it! And they are kind of the same, spending money on stuff but when it comes to bills or paying people back they say "oh sorry no money" and have to borrow again, it's a never ending cycle! They used to ask me as well until I started getting angry. They are so much older than me so they should be able to support themselves. Since then they have stopped asking me.. But yeah if I was in your situation I would just demand the money back (um, in the nicest way possible lol). If they are in well paying jobs then it shouldn't be too hard (unless what your SIL said is true..). I think it's dragged on for too long and you have the right to your money back! Same with the mother, that is alot of money that she borrowed so you should definitely be entitled to that back! oh congrats on the bub, not too long to go now (sorry if I am not making any sense, I'm sick so my mind is all over the place lol).

thanks for your advice! well, in the beginning when she first borrowed, my husband and i weren't on the same page with lending money. i wanted to talk him out of it because his sis has always been the type to take advantage of him (he's the youngest). he used to do her chores while she'd go out with her older bf and SHE would get the credit for it.

anyways, i couldn't talk him out of it because the time she borrowed, he was in boot camp so we only had about 20 minutes a day to talk. he sees my point now though, now that it has taken her almost a year just to pay us back. i wouldn't say we need to DEMAND the money back, we're doing OKAY without it, but still, it was ours and we want it back!

i'm sorry about your mom. and yes, she probably can't say no because it's a "parent thing". i know i would let my kids borrow in the future, but i also want to teach them the value of working hard and budgeting what they have on their own.

when you got angry at them for borrowing, how did you "get angry"? like, you would get mad and say no to their face when they would ask to borrow?

i do want to demand the money back, but i don't know how to word it anymore after she copped an attitude with me in her last text. it seems like she just got an attitude with her saying "well you know what..", after she found out it was me texting her, and not my husband. i was hoping you guys could offer me some suggestions as to what to say back. if anything it seems like i should have the attitude because i'm pregnant with these crazy hormones! lol

thanks for the congrats

yup, any day now

/

 

[kaexbabey]

Quote:

Originally Posted by jasminbarley Yes, I'd be angry. But, by the sounds of it, it seems that the arrangements are very casual and that's probably another reason why she's taking her time to return the money to you. That is, she only tries to do it when you ask and only a little bit at a time. Which actually makes sense if you focus on your own cashflow, as businesses do - if they have problems, they pay themselves first and tend to wait until the final reminder lands and then they pay up. IMHO, you need to have a talk with your husband about borrowing and lending money and what your expectations are, particularly since you will have two children to look after. It may be that in his family, financial relations are very fluid and casual but you might not be happy with this type of arrangement. I know that if I borrowed money from someone, I'd want to pay it back as soon as possible because I don't like having a debt hanging over me. And I expect other people to be the same or similar, but in reality, that tends not to be the case, unfortunately. I think that you need to make sure that your husband is on your side so that he can back you up on this. If he's more lax about money, whereas you get uptight about every penny, then you're going to be at loggerheads. It might be worth trying to get the people who owe you money to set up a standing order/direct debit (these are the terms that are used in the UK, not sure if they're the same in the US). This will ensure that they pay back their debts in manageable amounts (which they can budget for) and will also ensure that you know when you will see some money from them. Paying back the debt bit by bit every month shouldn't be as scary as having to pay back the whole amount. IMHO, it's reasonable to ask for such an arrangement. To be honest, I don't think that money and non-business relationships mix - people tend to take advantage of a relative's/friend's generosity and it can cause a lot of friction. IMHO, I don't think you should lend them anymore money until you're a double income family. It's a ridiculous situation to be forced to cut back just so that you can lend someone else money! Lending money is not a necessity - making sure that you eat, pay the bills, have a roof over your head, are necessities. Perhaps you and your husband can look at your budget again so that you both understand exactly how much extra you have left after all the necessities are paid for - if you don't have anything left, then that shouldn't be going towards a pot for your in laws to take advantage of; it should be going towards your children's future and your future together.

thanks so much for your advice! any advice as how i can word my next text to her to sound a bit more demanding but not too bitchy? idk i feel like if i sound too demanding that when we go back home in december, it will be awkward between me and her.

yes, you're right. in his family borrowing money is kinda just like a normal thing to them. except my husband. he's the youngest and he always has been treated differently which makes me mad. he definitely is on my side now and understands where i was coming from the past times i would get angry when he would ask for the money back. but i dunno, my husband can be too nice, and whenever they tell him "sorry we're broke", he just says "oh, ok...". it kind of bugs me, but i am happy i've got a nice guy.

yeah, that would be a good idea for that kind of arrangement next time someone does ask to borrow for money. but i really hope there won't be a next time. but honestly, if we were to ask for an arrangement like that, they would probably just think we're joking -_-

even when i start working, and we have two incomes coming in, i really don't want them to borrow anymore. unless it's an emergency like someone was ill. i'm not trying to sound selfish, and i hope i don't, but if they can ask to borrow and take advantage by paying just whenever it's convenient for them now, when it's only my husband working and we're both young and just started out with nothing, what more when we're in a better living situation and more settled?

 

[couturesista]

Two things,
1. Never lend money without a contract or promisary(sp) note. I don't care who they are, momma , daddy, sister or brother.

2. I know it may seem petty to them, but if you really want your money , and you don't think their going to pay on their own, file a claim in small claims court.

Some family members seem to think family loan means family owe. Which means I can always just owe you, we're family. Take this as a lesson. THe really sad part is that they know you guys are in a situation where saving is important. Shame on them!

Congrats on the baby, and Good Luck.

 

[kaexbabey]

idk guys, i feel like i sound selfish or like a gold digger because it's technically just my husband's money, since he's the one working. his sis probably thinks i'm just digging off him -_-

i know my situation isnt as bad as others, where people CONSTANTLY ask to borrow. she hasn't asked to borrow again, but isn't it just as bad that its taken almost a year just to get everything back?

idkkk. oh and after i text her, she goes and calls my husband -___- and he's not home right now so idk what she said. if anything, i bet she told him what i said (not that i wouldn't want my husband to know, he knows what i said and what she said), and i bet my husband just said his usual "oh, it's okay.." again. which gets us nowhere. UGH!

 

[jasminbarley]

*****

 

[kaexbabey]

i posted a long reply to jasminbarley and it got deleted! ughh!

long story short, my husband and i are on the same page & he said no more lending. i wouldn't have been so mad if it didn't take them this long to repay. we do have pretty much everything but a double stroller for the new baby, just that we'll have to buy more clothes if it's a boy. even if we werent expecting, it was our money, and we'll do with it what we want, even if we didn't NEEEED it right now. oh and she called my husband yesterday giving HIM an attitude and lecturing him that WE should save our money when SHE's the one that owes us. wtf? i mean that really pissed me off! if anything, it should be us with the attitude! also, she asked him, "do you guys REALLY need a double stroller?" ok that just pissed me off even more because 1)yes, we do because my daughter is only 18 months old and 2)who the hell is she to ask what we're gonna do with the money SHE owes?

 

[jasminbarley]

*****

 

[iluffyew769769]

At this point I think the only thing you can do to get your money back would be to take his family to court. I know it's had to sue family members, but if they are dragging this out with false promises, you need to do something. If at the least getting a signed contract saying they will pay you back by a certain date. simply saying that "they don't have the money" is not a good excuse, if they didn't have the money they shouldn't have borrowed it.

 

[pinkvanilla]

Quote:

Originally Posted by kaexbabey when you got angry at them for borrowing, how did you "get angry"? like, you would get mad and say no to their face when they would ask to borrow?

Well in my case it was a bit different because they would usually ask through my mum, usually asking her first then asking her to ask me

I would just say no, or I don't have any. On the times they would ask me directly I would just say one of those things as well. I just make it clear that I have expenses as well and can't keep lending to them

I remember this one time when my brother wanted to buy a car and he was $1000 short so he asked me for the money! I genuinely did not have that kind of money so I was just like "um, no!".

Good to read that you and hubby are on the same page about lending out money - that will make it so much easier

 

[pumpkincat210]

For a double stroller have you tried a thrift or second hand store? We got an almost brand new one from a thrift store for really cheap. Yard sales and garage sales are a great option too. If you go early in the morning then you have a great chance of scoring something good.

 

[stacylynne]

I would be pist too.

Don't ever lend them money again. If you do, everything should be in writing & all parties need to sign the contract so there's no communication probs.

Also, get your husband involved as well. Tell your husband, that you are due in 2 weeks & you need things for the baby.

They have a moral obligation to pay you back the $$$. Explain to them if the roles were revered, they would want their money back as well.
It' just not right.

 

[user79]

You and your husband need to pull on the same end of the rope here, you need to have a united front. BTW texting someone on such a serious issue is not really something I would do. You need to have a face to face conversation with the people who owe you, with your husband there, and you both need to make it clear that you expect the money to be returned in full by such and such date. Period. And if it's not returned by then, either set up a monthly re-payment plan, and if they don't follow it, small claims court. It's important you get your husband on board with this, if you are the only one pursuing this and he always gets weak and backs out by saing, "oh ok, nevermind...", you'll never get your money back.

As for the future, I hope this was a little lesson to you. Unless someone is in extreme financial need, I would honestly never lend out money, especially since you have a child on the way. At least, don't "lend" out more than you expect to lose, because if you lend money to friends and family, there's a good chance you'll never get it back. I would just not lend out money at all in the future. If your family members come knocking at the door, tell them the direction to the nearest bank so they can take out a loan.

 

[kaexbabey]

Quote:

Originally Posted by pumpkincat210 For a double stroller have you tried a thrift or second hand store? We got an almost brand new one from a thrift store for really cheap. Yard sales and garage sales are a great option too. If you go early in the morning then you have a great chance of scoring something good.

i haven't tried looking and i really don't know where the thrift stores are around here. i'll keep that in mind though. thanks

Quote:

Originally Posted by MissChievous You and your husband need to pull on the same end of the rope here, you need to have a united front. BTW texting someone on such a serious issue is not really something I would do. You need to have a face to face conversation with the people who owe you, with your husband there, and you both need to make it clear that you expect the money to be returned in full by such and such date. Period. And if it's not returned by then, either set up a monthly re-payment plan, and if they don't follow it, small claims court. It's important you get your husband on board with this, if you are the only one pursuing this and he always gets weak and backs out by saing, "oh ok, nevermind...", you'll never get your money back. As for the future, I hope this was a little lesson to you. Unless someone is in extreme financial need, I would honestly never lend out money, especially since you have a child on the way. At least, don't "lend" out more than you expect to lose, because if you lend money to friends and family, there's a good chance you'll never get it back. I would just not lend out money at all in the future. If your family members come knocking at the door, tell them the direction to the nearest bank so they can take out a loan.

i can't talk to her face to face about it b/c she lives in california and i'm in new york. and yes, this is a lesson to me even though it wasn't technically my money. idk i guess i just thought it was ok because i had good experiences w/ lending friends money in the past. it was always paid back in a timely manner so i thought it would be even better with family, or in laws. guess i was wrong.



to every one else, thank you very much! my husband talked to her again and supposedly she'll pay us when they get their deposit back from their apartment when they first moved in. lets HOPE so it's about damn time they pay us the rest. oh and i saw new pics of her and she got her hair done and crap .. made me mad because she could've given us money before getting a cut and highlights!

 

[jasminbarley]

*****