In need of serious fatherly advice (long post)

[NicksWifey]

I hope this is the right place to post this, as I need some serious advice. If not, I apologize and kindly redirect this post where it should be

Anyway, where to begin??!

I've always had somewhat of a strained relationship with my dad but I've noticed the older I got, the worse it has gotten. FYI, I'm 21 going on 22 in the fall. I have one brother who is 30. Although my brother and I both live on our own and he has his own family and I'll have mine soon enough, I feel like my father has impacted both of our lives so negatively. To make a really really long story short, my dad has never really had a lot of time to be "fatherly" and "dad like" with us, know what I mean? My mom was always our rock, like our best friend who would always stick by our side and always listen to our side of the story without getting upset. To this day, my mom is seriously my best friend and I always run to her in times of need. It really tore me up on the inside after first moving out of my parents house and being away from her. Where my mom was always the friendly parent, my dad always ruled with the iron fist. While he taught my brother and I not take any shit off of anyone, he also made us feel like shit. My dad was never proud of us (good report cards, graduations, etc.) and if he was, he had a very strange way of showing it. My dad doesn't know his real dad to this day at the age of 52 and he was raised by a drunk of a step-father, so he hasn't had much of a fatherly example to go on. My dad always believed in being the provider before being the father. My brother & I have never wanted for anything and most people may think we were spoiled, but we were always given whatever we wanted (within reason of course) but that's not what's important here. My dad never laid a hand on us (besides spankings that all bad kids get) but has been more emotionally & verbally abusive to us over the years. Instead of calmly approaching us when we did something wrong, he'd scream at us and fume at us. Most of my childhood, I was afraid of my dad and afraid of bothering him and making him mad. To this day, I still am afraid of him and afraid of pissing him off. I always wonder when I make a mistake how it's going to affect my dad, even though I no longer live under his roof. I can recall a time when I was about 10 when my dad had asked me to hold some large pieces of wood that he needed to saw up. I guess I wasn't holding them well enough so he flew off the handle and I clearly remember him saying "You're fucking worthless! You can't do anything right!" Those words have stuck with me to this day. And it wasn't just that one example, there have been other countless times when both my brother and I were always made to feel like "damn dumbasses" as my dad would say.

I thought when I moved out, things would get better, but they haven't. Whenever I go to visit my parents (about 1x a week) I often feel uncomfortable. My dad STILL picks at me over stupid things that are none of his concern. Today, he really upset because I called to talk to my mom when I was on my way to my 2nd job this afternoon. He said she wasn't there so I decided to call back a few hours later. He answered the phone and apon realizing it was me "What do you want? You just fucking called here! You just saw your mom last night!" then jerks the phone over to my mom. He gets mad because I want to talk to my mom once a day, just to see what's going on?!?!? WTF!!!

Goddamn, that really ENRAGES me that my own father would get mad over me calling mom to talk to her. My brother calls to talk to her too, so I guess it bothers him nobody wants to talk to him. But he's so judgmental & negative that I just don't feel like calling to talk to him. This hasn't been the first time since I moved out that he chewed me out for calling my mom once a day. He doesn't understand it, I guess? Fucked up reasoning on his part.

Hearing that, made me hang up on my mom and start balling like a bitch at my desk in front of my two co-workers. I hate showing others my drama, but I was so shocked and hurt that my dad would speak to me like that. He gets mad when I do call and has gotten mad if I don't call to check in. So I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't? Hhhmph. I tried talking to my dad about all this before moving out, telling him that I love him but he really lacks the fatherly side but he didn't want to hear it. Instead, he made me cry and feel like a retard. Naturally. I'm really to the point where I'm going to stop coming around, just like my brother has done. I'm afraid my dad is going to die a miserable man. I don't know what to do anymore. Everytime I bring up my mom, i will slip and say dad is being a real dick or an asshole and she doesn't want to hear it and is always like "Stop Brittney, this is your father you're talking about." I'm sorry, but why should I have to tolerate his piss poor attitude? Why can't a grown ass man just chill the hell out and make his children who are now adults feel loved and worth a damn?

Sorry for the long freaking post, I just seriously needed to vent and clear the air.

 

[Janice]

Happy to provide you with a place to vent and get it out! I don't have any advice unfortunately, I am far to harsh in these types of circumstances. Don't let your dad get ya down, just think of something clever to say back when he's being a dick! ^_^

 

[Mizz.Yasmine]

my father is the same way(he's a heavy drinker with lots of emotional problems)....all u can do is just accept that hes gonna be an asshole. i know mine is! it sux but at some point u just need to let him ruin his own days and not urs.i know its hard becuz its natural to want ur father to accept u and love u for who u are

theres no good answer really.i know how ur feeling though.

 

[blueagave]

I have had a similar experience in my life... my father really wasn't a "father figure" to me (lack of caring or praise probably because he never experienced it from his own parents) while my mother was my rock and I was very close to her. When she unexpectedly passed away last year, my dad ended up remarrying about six months later to some woman he met online and had only met in real life about once or twice, a woman who I was never introduced to, and still haven't met to this day. It upset me very much and caused a lot of stress in my life. I am sorry to hear that you do not have a good relationship with your father. However, you still have your mom and hopefully others around you who love you and care for you. If you can't work out things with your dad, then focus on the ones who bring you happiness. It is really hard to have to know the ones who brought you to this earth cannot be there for you or seem to care. But I truly hope you can work things out and that everything is better for you in the long run.

 

[stacylynne]

I don't have a relationship with my father, nor do I want one. I'm very close with my mom & brother.
My brother lives with me.

You know what. There is no reason for you to beat yourself up about this. He is the way he is. It's like talking to a brick wall.
My father use to hit us as kids & verbally abusive. He would talk so much smack about me behind my back.

I confronted him years later on a lot of things & I ended up having a nervous breakdown. But it felt good b/c it was a release. I let 20 years out. (I'm the type of person, that does't cry, ever).

After I confronted him on things. He still never got it.
He's now remarried & has his own life.
His new wife knows nothing about what he did to my brother & I as kids and the verbal abuse.

I came to terms about him a long time ago & ppl don't change. Like I said, I don't want a relationship with him @ all.

Now, everyone relizes what an asshole he really is.
It's all KARMA.

Listen sweetie, I can relate to your story. No matter what, you do not need his approval for anything.
You do what makes you happy. It took me years to come to terms with this in my life & now I love where I am in my life.

 

[blazeno.8]

I think you mentioned something important which is he seems to be annoyed that nobody calls him. Maybe your mom could help you explain to him how you feel when he does stuff like that or maybe if you call to talk to him he might be a little more open to talking (who knows, if there's something you know he likes, plan to go spend some time with him doing said activity). It's really hard to say when I don't know him.
I hope things work out.

 

[SparklingWaves]

Dad sounds like he has a lot of wrath/sadness & self-hatred inside of himself. The words he is throwing at his beautiful children are actually what he thinks of himself from his own love deprived childhood.

The next time he states his words, picture yourself holding a mirror in front of him. Let him see his true self. You will understand all this bitterness is coming from deep within your father. Please, allow it all to go back to him.

You are not his well to pour his pain. You are your own unique creation to venture into your own life. You can disconnect yourself mentally from the strings of attachment to his pain. It's difficult at first, but you can do it.

He sounds afraid of love and true closeness. He hard inside from his experiences and doesn't know the love & joy he is missing with his children. That is a tremendous loss on his part.

For yourself, set limits. Know your healthy boundaries. How much contact with him do you feel comfortable with today? Today, as an adult, you can set limits. Whereas in the past, you were not able.

 

[florabundance]

Some parents, i think, just don't know or never learn to show their love toward their children in the appropriate way.

Some, like you say your father was, saw a bad example set and instead of seeing you and your brother as a means to overcome his own bad experiences, sees you as a means to prolong his feelings of upset and bitterness at not being "loved" himself.

I think that many fathers have their complications.

My dad is someone who puts a lot of pressure on me to be *perfect*, but has sacrificed so much for his children, that the guilt felt when I underachieve is just overwhelming. Like you said, every little step you make in life - good, bad, successes, mistakes - in the back of your mind is always 'how will my dad react'. Though, it's completely different circumstances, the stresses we feel to conform and to put up with being made to feel inadequate are similar.

I would hope my dad acts the way he does inadvertantly, and maybe yours does too.

You said no one wants to talk to him on the phone because of the way he is and he reacts badly to this. Maybe he acts the way he acts because he's saying "you're my child, love me in spite of myself", because he didn't get that himself and, as a result, never learned how to give that kind of love. Make sense?

It's easy to forget, but parents are people too. Even though we may have grown up, doesn't mean that they have...

 

[CantAffordMAC]

 

[juicygirl]

i think you have done everything that you can do in this situation. if your mom doesn't want to hear it, i recommend just not bringing it up to her anymore. at least you did so now you wont be wondering what if you had told her. i kinda can relate to you but in place of your father, it's my older sister and whenever i tell my mom anything about her, she always quick to defend the sis and her actions. so it would only make me feel that much more worse so now i just don't bother. whatever. don't let it affect the relationship you do have with your mom though. maybe try to get together with her for lunch or something away from the possibility of seeing your dad?

 

[Mizz.Yasmine]

Quote:

Originally Posted by SparklingWaves Dad sounds like he has a lot of wrath/sadness & self-hatred inside of himself. The words he is throwing at his beautiful children are actually what he thinks of himself from his own love deprived childhood. The next time he states his words, picture yourself holding a mirror in front of him. Let him see his true self. You will understand all this bitterness is coming from deep within your father. Please, allow it all to go back to him. You are not his well to pour his pain. You are your own unique creation to venture into your own life. You can disconnect yourself mentally from the strings of attachment to his pain. It's difficult at first, but you can do it. He sounds afraid of love and true closeness. He hard inside from his experiences and doesn't know the love & joy he is missing with his children. That is a tremendous loss on his part. For yourself, set limits. Know your healthy boundaries. How much contact with him do you feel comfortable with today? Today, as an adult, you can set limits. Whereas in the past, you were not able.

this is beautiful!

it really touched me inside.

 

[NicksWifey]

Thank you everyone for your kind words and advice, I very much appreciate it, from the bottom of my heart.

I had to call my mom today and of course, dad answers the phone. He was incredibly calm (highly unusual) so I just said "Can I speak to Mom? Thanks" and left it at that. I explained to her how much he hurt my feelings last night and that I wasn't going to tolerate it any longer. I think this is just a situation that must be handled with kid gloves. Who would think a 52 year-old man needs to be handled with kid gloves? Oh well.

 

[V15U4L_3RR0R]

I've been through similar things with my dad. I don't like him as a person and I never will and I can't say I love him either. I talk to him occasionally or maybe go visit every once ina w hile but that's about it as far as the relationship goes. Anyway my point is that, you don't have to talk to him or take his shit just because he is related to you.

 

[bAbY_cHiCkEn01]

Sorry to say but some people just aren't meant to be be parents... and just because they have children doesn't mean that they are.

 

[miss_cinday]

You should try speaking with him again, either over the phone or in person, which ever makes you more comfortable. Tell him the same things you posted here, how he makes you feel when he makes comments like that, the way he makes you feel when he yells at you, and so on. Talk about your feelings. Let him know what you want and that you want a relationship with him but feel like you cant and wont if he keeps treating you that way. If he doesn't want to change then you need to accept who he is and decide whether you want to continue having a relationship with him but also let him know this.