insensitivity

[kimmy]

i'm so exhausted by this relationship with a friend of mine lately, i don't know what to do anymore.

in high school, we had our fair share of problems and maybe even a few more. but we got over them. she didn't graduate high school and still hasn't gone back for her ged yet and she's 19. she's been handed better jobs than i can find because of the people her mom knows. but she's been fired from all of them because she doesn't show up to work. her mom told her "follow my rules or leave" so she left and moved in with my mom and i for a while. my mom bent over backwards (more than she did for me) to help her out with finding a job and stuff. she wouldn't have any of it. i talked to my supervisor about giving her a job and she said she would, all she had to do was take the drug test...which she flaked out on. this past week, she had an interview with some other place which she also flaked on. i've over extended myself trying to help her, but i guess like my dad told me, if i keep trying to bail her out of all her fuck ups, she's never going to grow up.

right now, she just told me about how she's gonna go bulemic or anorexic to lose some weight...and start smoking because she swears she was thinner when she smoked. i watched my grandfather die from smoking, so i was extremely offended and put off by that idea. and the weight thing is a sensitive subject with me because i've always been thin and have always been kind of vilified for it in a sense. she knows these are both sensitive subjects with me, so it kind of...well, really..irks me that she would even say something like that.

yet, while i know she might very well fall into doing any of these three things, i don't feel compelled to talk her out of it. i feel more compelled to just distance myself from her. i don't know if it's because anorexia, bulimia and/or smoking could kill her (she doesn't do anything in moderation, so her health's decline is sure to be pretty damn rapid if she starts any of this shit) and i don't want to have to bury a friend...or if it's just because i'm getting the sense that she's a lost cause because no matter how hard i or anyone else tries to help her with anything, she still will not help herself.

i'm at a loss for what to do.

 

[DevinGirl]

I think your instincts to stay away are right. You may have had some sort (no matter how dysfunctional) of history together, but ... she's made it clear who she is, or at least how she wants to be interpreted. Anyone that just decides to one day decides to try anorexia/bulimia/start smoking again out of the blue to lose weight as if it were just some casual diet? That's just f-ing stupid. I'm in the recovering stages of bulimia & it's just not a decision. You don't decide to do that shit. It decides for you. Anyhow...I got off track. My advice is to just let go. You can't control or fix someone else's actions, but you are responsible for your own. Don't let her drag you down for a second. Move on & forget about her.

 

[..kels*]

Quote:

Originally Posted by kimmy right now, she just told me about how she's gonna go bulemic or anorexic to lose some weight...and start smoking because she swears she was thinner when she smoked.

well, obviously i don't know her & i know this is something that could potentially be very serious.. but she reminds me of an ex-friend of mine & to me she seems like she's just starving for attention. ITA with devingirl.. you don't just "decide" to have an eating disorder. it disgusts me that she actually WANTS to be anorexic/bulimic. again, i don't mean to belittle the situation, but your friend sounds like she's all talk. i have no doubt in my mind that she would go "anorexic/bulimic", & although it's possible for her to develop a REAL disorder from doing this, she's using it as a diet-method & i think she knows her limits. honestly.. i say ditch her. you don't need her drama in your life. from the sounds of it, you've already done your part. it's her turn now.

Quote:

Originally Posted by kimmy because i've always been thin and have always been kind of vilified for it in a sense.

& i can completely relate to that. i've been thin my entire life & i can't even tell you how many people have made me feel.. in all honesty.. guilty about it. it's not appropriate to comment on an obese person's weight, but for some reason if someone's thin it's alright to be snarky about theirs. total double-standard. i hate it. growing up i had so many insecurities about being thin because everyone commented on it & made it into something bad.

 

[saniyairshad]

Hon u should not have to bail her out for life choices/mistakes she has made, yet I would suggest to get her to a couselor. Smoking does not equal weight loss. It equals lung cancer as you said. I really think she is beyond anyone explaining this to her. She needs proper psychiatric help. I want u to know that you tried your hardest as a friend and not to lose hope

 

[kaliraksha]

I think the best thing you can do for her is let her fully live through some of her mistakes. You can't help anyone who doesn't want to be helped.

Sometimes you have to revert back to child-thinking (this is what I do at least) I tell myself okay, if I had a child and everytime he needed to wipe his butt I ran out of my way wherever I was with a piece of toilet paper to go wipe his behind he would never ever learn to do it himself. Regardless of what is "right" or "expected" or "acceptable". This is a simple example but it's tough love - she has to experience the pain of getting herself out of shit to want to keep herself out of shit.

I think you should stay open to being there for her when she does truly want help and not just looking for having life handed to her. Even at that point, I would say the right place to point her to would be a psychologist and her family.

It won't be pretty or easy but it's much better than stressing yourself out for her for years and years to come. I'm sorry, Kimmy =(

 

[kimmy]

thank you ladies.

i think i am just gonna seperate ways with her pretty soon.

thee's this guy that not even a week ago did some really messed up stuff to me and broke my heart like it's never been broken before, and now she calls him daily and always wants to go hang out with him. i don't know why, but that seems so fucked up to me...am i wrong to even be pissed off about that?

 

[Beauty Mark]

Well, if she just started that recently, it sounds like a passive aggressive attempt to hurt you.

I don't know why she'd want to be buddy buddy with some guy who hurt you so badly if she wasn't already friends with him before.

 

[lipstickandhate]

Quote:

Originally Posted by kimmy thank you ladies. i think i am just gonna seperate ways with her pretty soon. thee's this guy that not even a week ago did some really messed up stuff to me and broke my heart like it's never been broken before, and now she calls him daily and always wants to go hang out with him. i don't know why, but that seems so fucked up to me...am i wrong to even be pissed off about that?

Please stay far away from her. You aren't wrong to be angry about this, its totally insensitive and bizzare. A true friend wouldn't do something like this to you! You deserve supportive and kind friends who contribute equally to the relationship, not who suck the life out of you and take up with men who mistreat you.

Good luck, hope it works out.

 

[kimmy]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Beauty Mark Well, if she just started that recently, it sounds like a passive aggressive attempt to hurt you. I don't know why she'd want to be buddy buddy with some guy who hurt you so badly if she wasn't already friends with him before.

they were kind of friends before, but only because he was with me all the time, so she kind of had to be friends with him by default. i know she thinks he's hott and everything, because she told me she thought he was fine the first time i introduced them. but she had a boyfriend at the time, and he and i were talking about getting into a relationship. i just think it's weird now that she and her boyfriend are no longer together, and he broke my heart so i have no more interest in him...she's calling him and like wanting to hang out. it's not like i have a "hoes before bros" mentality, but i just really think i should have her support. her ex boyfriend and i were pretty close, but when he broke her heart i quit talking to him altogether, because if he's gonna do something like that i figure he's not good enough for my friendship anyhow...i just wish she'd see things the same way i do sometimes.

beauty mark, i didn't even think of that...but now that you mention it, it does seem alot like a passive aggressive attempt to mess with me. i wonder why though...i've been nothing but good to her through everything she's put me through.

 

[Beauty Mark]

Because some people are crazy and love being hurtful.

It's like when I ended a friendship and my ex-friend began calling up my friends (people she just knew as acquaintances) to hang out. She had never done that before when we were friends.

It sounds like she's interested in him and being insensitive (and probably trying to hurt you). I don't know what this guy did to you, but he probably hasn't changed. If it's any comfort, he'll wrong her like he wronged you

I only asked about the friendship thing, because I think it's fair for people to remain friends with both parties, should a couple break up. However, that isn't the case here.

 

[kimmy]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Beauty Mark Because some people are crazy and love being hurtful. It's like when I ended a friendship and my ex-friend began calling up my friends (people she just knew as acquaintances) to hang out. She had never done that before when we were friends. It sounds like she's interested in him and being insensitive (and probably trying to hurt you). I don't know what this guy did to you, but he probably hasn't changed. If it's any comfort, he'll wrong her like he wronged you I only asked about the friendship thing, because I think it's fair for people to remain friends with both parties, should a couple break up. However, that isn't the case here.

yeah, if she and him were friends before, it wouldn't bother me. but they were mere acquaintances. i tried telling her that he hasn't changed, and that what she sees in him isn't all there is to him. she knows what he did to me, because when it happened i called her and i could only get out 4 words before i just burst into tears and couldn't even speak...and i told her that wasn't even the half of it. all she said was "it ain't like that, we're just friends" blah blah blah. and i'm sitting here thinking "why weren't you friends when he and i were doing well? why wait until after things went south to befriend him?" it's all a little fishy to me.