Long Story, need advice.

[crystalclear]

Okay this is quite a long post (and a bit convoluted too) but to be honest I dunno what to do about some of the issues. I would talk to one of my friends but they are either people I know from school and therefore of the person concerned (X) or people I know and hang out with but don't really know very well (if you get what I mean) and i'm concerned that they'll either judge or not really understand, so i'm hoping someone here might.

I have this friend who I've been friends with since we were 14 (10 years), in that time we've been through quite a lot we both got a hard time at school etc. Our entire group of friends were pretty miserable most of the time but for the most part things changed and people moved on and improved. At 14, I was told I had an anxiety disorder which has gotten better and then worse over the past decade and about 18 months ago it literally ruined my life, I dropped out of Uni leaving myself with aload of debt, no prospects as I didnt have the kind of experience or qaulifications to get a proper job if I had even felt able to leave the house without having panic attacks. but after taking medication to control the side affects and therapy to control the cause, I managed to summon enough energy to do a degree which has been incredibly stressful but amazingly I've done well this year. My mumhas been diagnosed with 2 types of cancer in the past year and then we found out it spread to her liver (it should be treatable) So there is a lot of pressure. The first time I was upset and worried but I felt able to cope, the second it happened so quickly everything was a response to it,X was aware both time s but we never really went in to detail as if felt it unfair to burden her with it. This time I am crushed and find it hard to cope. Anyway when I told X, she just responded with "yeah" and went on about how her bf was getting her a £180 dress. My anxiety problem has flared up again but I am seeing someone for that

Anyway on to X, for years shes been obsessed with having a mental illness, when we were 17 she read the Marilyn Monroe biography and announced that she thought she had a borderline personality disorder "just like Marilyn" and from there shes been going on about this or that disorder she thinks she has ( she jumps from bipolar to depression to whatever it is she last read about). she claims to have had Anorexia during uni when none of us (school friends) saw her. She recently announced on facebook that she was looking for photos from that period as she didnt have any, she claims that she has none but she has photos of herself from her birthday early in the year right up to christmas that same year and she claims to have been almost skeletal at its worst. I thought that it was a bit off but nevertheless tried to be helpful and supportive. After the time when people stopped being sympathetic and mentioning it she starts to post that something is going wrong and yet more drama ensues. Two months after my mum was diagnosed initially, she went online and announced that her dads partner had throat cancer, within two weeks it had been removed and she was starting radiotherapy (yep, on an unhealed wound for what was a tiny tumour they had removed

) Again I didn't query this,as I'm no expert and tried to be as supportive as I can. Recently she was going on about how she liked living with her just dad since she didnt have to compete with her sister or anyone else for attention. Acouple of days later I asked how her dads gf was and for a minute she didnt seem to have a clue who I was talking about, then she remembered and said fine. None of our group of friends has met her dads gf since they live in adifferent part of the country. After playing the everyone likes my sister not me card and gaining sympathy for that, she announces that, she's now got an anxiety disorder and might have to give up work as she is too stressed despite being well enough to go out clubbing and socialising a couple of times a week, when a couple of days ago she was talking about planning a round the world trip and getting work along the way now she is going on about this as if you suddenly come down with anxiety disorder. Her discription sounds as if she ripped it straight from a textbook. Until she found out how they deal with it and what medication they sometimes use to manage the symptoms she was always careful to say that she or her GP suspected that was what was up. Now she is going on that she has a "mental illness" and everyone must try to be supportive. Her friends from where she live now all claim to have that or depression are on talking about how they are all poor souls and no-one understands them and anyone who DARES to suggest it isn't true, is a hater and they will have their accounts spammed up by them and their friends "just like them" (none of our mutual friends are on these sites and as a result don't see the full extent of it). She's put itup on her various blogs and getting attention for it, my lack of response has been conspicuous. If their is something wrong, I want to be supportive but, I am now fairly sure she's at it and don't want to encourage this. I am quite annoyed that (if my suspicions are correct) she's been using events which have been so painful and distressing to gain attention.

I don't know what to do part of me thinks err on the side of caution and act as if I believe her (I dont), or make it clear I don't believe her (either by telling her flat out or just shutting up- unlikely to work as she'll be telling me all about it and asking "advice" when I sign in to msn, which i switched off to advoid talking about it untill I can decide what to do) and risk alienating other friends (most of this has been online since we both now live far from where we are actually from but not so close to each other that see each other- her mum still lives in our hometown so she goes up alot and sees them every couple of weeks, my parents moved here at the same time I did so I rarely go up but my parents are looking at moving back up and as a result, them taking her side in this would be more damaging than if I was never going to see them again-which is hurtful as we've stayed in touch). Another part of me is tempted to just give her the response she gave me the only time I actually needed her support, which I know is not very mature but she might realise how hurtful it actually is. Especially given that she routinely expects me to listen to her going on about her problems as if I'm an on call version of the samaritans dispensing sympathy and attention all they time.

 

[gildedangel]

First of all I am sorry to hear about your mother and I hope that she is better soon. It sounds like your friend needs to see a shrink. Seriously. Wanting to have a mental disorder is a scary and really needy way of craving for attention from those around her. That seems to be the whole reason that she is putting up these charades. She could seriously hurt herself and others if this goes further. This person seems to have some sort of mental issue, and this issue causes her behavior to only care about herself as demonstrated by her need of attention, her focus is only on herself, as demonstrated by her lack of attention when you needed it most. Maybe seeing a psychologist would change her behaviors and make her a better friend. Sorry that was a ramble, but my advice to you is to have your friend go see a psychologist. I hope that this helps you and I wish you all of the best!

 

[moopoint]

Sorry bout your mom

Your friend sounds unbalanced and should seek mental assistance. Mental health is my field, and she exhibits many characteristics of someone with borderline personality disorder (the attention seeking behavior, histrionic tendencies etc).

She may irritate you, but something just doesn't sound right about her. No one would behave so recklessly for no reason.

As I said, my advice is encourage her to seek help. HTH.

 

[stronqerx]

I used to have a couple of 'friends' who would always talk about themselves and when I needed them they would just say 'yeah, okay' 'uh-huh'. So I know where your coming from (and it sucks!). But moving on, I think you and your friend have known each other from a long time and if you care about her and want to save your relationship you should just tell her how you feel. Let everything out. It sounds like the only thing that your friend has is an attention disorder, and to top it off based on what i read she seems to be both a pathological and compulsive liar. Your friend needs help, maybe someone needs to push her to it. She needs somebody to let her know how made up her stories sound and that its obvious shes a liar, and that she needs help. Some how through these stories, whether they are true or not your friend is actually asking for your help, for you to be there for her. Good luck with everything, and I hope your mom feels better<3

 

[chynegal]

I have a friend like this she always make up some sort of story or life....at one point she claimed she was pregnant for this guy to trap him.... he just happend to be my friends cousin.... anytime something happend to her no one was ever around and he lies never addes up.....in my opinoin I think u should slowly back away from this friendship she is obivously not healthy and trust me ur going to get to the point where u don't care anymore or will belive anything that comes out of her mouth

 

[crystalclear]

Thanks, everyone for your advice and your kind words and wishes for my Mum, We hope it is the best case scenario as they suspect and that there will be no complications.
I think I have known for a long time she needs help but it was easy to pass off as X being X. I'm worried about the people she surrounds herself with in her new town, she seems to attract people who are a bit unbalanced or who are highly exploitative of the situation (usually guys- not the one she's seeing now) and their posts in the last day or so have only confirmed this fear. I do care about her welfare and I think she should get help. I think if her parents knew half the stuff she said and did they'd approach it with her and get her to get help but if anyone were to tell them they'd either not believe it, accuse them of lying or tell them to f*** off, meaning telling one of them is not going to be a good idea.
I think she has seen the doctor who told her she has an anxiety disorder based on what she has told her, if she's sent to a therapist they could pick up on it and refer her to someone who can help her but that depends on her telling them what shes said and done. I think I'll have to think of a way of talking to her and flat out telling her what I think. To be honest when she isnt pulling these stunts, she is great to be around and if she was to be herself without the drama generating tactics her group of friends would be wider and safer for her to be in as she is very likable when not freaking people out or frightening them to get attention.

 

[crystalclear]

Quote:

Originally Posted by chynegal I have a friend like this she always make up some sort of story or life....at one point she claimed she was pregnant for this guy to trap him.... he just happend to be my friends cousin.... anytime something happend to her no one was ever around and he lies never addes up.....in my opinoin I think u should slowly back away from this friendship she is obivously not healthy and trust me ur going to get to the point where u don't care anymore or will belive anything that comes out of her mouth

I fear it may eventually get to that stage if she doesn't get help soon which I will be sad about but at the end of the day there is only so much that can be done if she refuses to get help or pays lip service and then lies to the doctor about it and s/he says she's okay. I don't think I'd stop caring but it'd get to the stage where I would have to completely lock away the part that does care. I think I will always question what she says and weigh it up more critically than I would for anyone else or the way I viewed what she said previously.

P.S I had already started to type the 1st response before i saw yours and you comment doesn't have a thanks button at the moment. I will press it when it shows up, just so you know I'm not ungrateful for your input or ignoring you

 

[Strawberrymold]

My best advice to you would be to take a deep breath, forget everything she has done to you that was hurtful, and then tell her how you really feel. You will probably end up having to bite the bullet and be the better person in this one because it doesn't sound like your friend will be able to. If she choses to do nothing with your advice an concern, my advice would be to move on... if she does seek help be supportive and forgive her without expecting an apology she may not be capable of giving.

My father has a similar condistion, it took me years to realize that he was not in control of the things he said or did... even if it seemed as if he was using it as an excuse to gain sympathy. I spent 10 years trying to help him, but he did not want to help himself. We no longer talk now and I hate to say it but after the first few times I should have stopped trying to help him. He clearly didn't want it and it caused me and my family more pain than I can bear at times.

I know now that when he is ready, I will be there for him in a heartbeat. But until then... there's nothing I can do and you cannot deal with that kind of pain constantly... there is a point when you have to seperate yourself from it. Even if you deeply care about the person that is causing it.

Sorry that was so long, but I understand where you are coming from and I hope me sharing some of my mistakes will help you from repeating them.