My brother's problems are literally making me sick

[ashk36]

I'll try and keep this as short as possible, because I could rant all day on the subject.

We'll call my brother John. John is in a relationship with a girl we'll call Sara. They have a 5 year old daughter we'll call Alex. So, John and Sara weren't a couple when Sara got pregnant with Alex, they basically hooked up because John was hurt by another stupid girl. So, Sara's preggers, John's going crazy because Sara is also bipolar and lives 3 hours away, but in the end Alex is born, very healthy, and after a short time they are all living together here in our town. Soon after moving here, Sara's mother died. Sara's father died when she was a little girl. Sara has no friends or family in our town. She is distraught, we all feel horrible for her, and we do our best to comfort her. And she is still bipolar and hasn't been on medication since before the pregnancy.

That was over 3 years ago. Since her mother died, Sara has been hooked on prescription drugs. At first, it started slowly and she was controlling herself, only taking a zanax here and there. Earlier last year, it started getting so bad that she couldn't function without taking something. Not only this, but she gets manic and yells a lot, has no job, hasn't finished school, doesn't clean, doesn't cook, and half the time she sleeps all day leaving John to bring Alex to work with him, making it not only John's problem, but mine and my mom's problem, too. Then she'll call him on the phone while he's working and bitch some more.

Let's add to the mix the money issues. Since Sara has no job, John is paying for everything. Including her addiction. He has ruined his credit, and now has bill collectors calling our place of business looking for him. And he hasn't paid his house payment for last month yet, either. Oh and guess what other bill collectors are calling? The ones from the jewelers, where he bought Sara's engagement ring.

So now I'm asking you all, people I don't even know, what would you do if this were someone you cared about in this situation? We have tried talking to him, we've tried yelling, we've tried ignoring it hoping he'd figure it out on his own...we don't know what to do. I'm on the verge of calling the Steve Wilkos show. Or Intervention. I know you aren't professionals, but maybe someone can see this from an unbiased point of view (even though you've only read my side of the story) and tell me how you would handle this if it were someone you loved being ruined. Please help me.

 

[cindiaz]

omg,i'm sorry that you and your family are having this problem,have you talked with Sara?,I think se needs professional help,can you brother see that she can be a a danger to their daughter? I really hope everything starts getting good with you and your family.

 

[nursee81]

You really need to talk to your brother John and see what he thinks about it. Go to him on friendly terms not coming at him negative. And maybe both of you can talk to Sara together. Its a bad situation for Alex to be in and your brother needs to see this. I hope everything works out.

 

[ashk36]

Can't talk to her. I've tried. We've all tried. She hates my family, because we all see her as a threat to not only our sanity and wellness, but to my brother's and their child's! She's completely irrational due to her mental issues, and she is not in the state to even be a mother, nor do I think she even wants to be. She's just so hard to talk to, she can take anything you say to her and twist it into something else. It's so hard.

ETA: We've tried talking to John, too. He's not thinking straight either. I don't think he realizes what this is doing to their child. All he can do is hang his head, he knows we're right, but it's like we're talking to a wall, because he agrees with us but takes no action to change anything. He is an enabler to Sara. Do we need to call DSS for things to change?

 

[iadoremac]

mehn i don think there is much that you can do afterall he is an adult......nothing expect pray and hope that he opens his eyes.

 

[ashk36]

Yes, he is an adult. He's 30. And maybe that is all I can do is just wait. Maybe he has to hit bottom before he can fix his problems. Maybe he has to lose his house before he realizes how fucked he is.

 

[iadoremac]

Oh no I hope it doesnt get that bad!

but from my experience situations like that the person has to see that the situation is bad for themselves. dont know why it works out like that but it does

 

[crystalclear]

I'm sorry to hear this, it's a sad, difficult situation and I hope it gets resolved quickly.
I think the main thing would be to get Sara to get treatment although if she doesn't want to get the treatment it will be difficult to force her to. It may be best to try to get her to see the impact her actions have on your brother and their daughter (most women will do whatever it takes for their kids- even if they dont realise how much before hand) and if she refuses to get treatment there may be a danger of social services/child protection etc getting involved and that wouldn't help I don't think, although it may act as a kick up the backside to your brother and focus his attention).
You could try talking to her and telling her that you and your family do want to help her and want her to get help, she might not listen but if there is even a small chance of it working then it is surely worth trying if noones sake but your nieces and I hope it gets sorted soon.

 

[ashk36]

Actually, about 10 days ago they went to the hospital to get her some help, and they had no room for her. They called all the numbers they were given, and there was still nobody that could take her. She has supposedly been clean for 10 days, but after all the lies we've heard from my brother on a regular basis, it's so hard to believe what he says anymore. He's taking money from my mom and denying it until she nags it out of him that yes, he did take it. He got around $5000 in tax returns just a couple weeks ago and already it is ALL GONE. Some went to pay back debts to people, but the rest of it who knows, because he won't talk to any of us about it. He just won't talk anymore about his problems because I think he's afraid of what we'll say. It doesn't help that my parents honestly do not like Sara, and it's hard for me to like her, too. I've tried to be on her side, and she closes off and won't talk. It's just so damn frustrating feeling like I can't do anything to help.

 

[Willa]

This is a complicated situation...
I think you've tried what you could
They maybe need to hit rock bottom...
The only thing left you can do is make sure the child is ok, I guess

 

[ashk36]

Holy shit. She left. Wonder how long this will last. All I can do is tell him to be strong and don't let her shit on him again, don't let her back into his life. All I can do is hope he does the right thing. He just wants a happy family, but his family will never be happy if she is in it.

 

[Lapis]

Well I'm glad that's over and I hope your brother finds the strength to keep her out of his life, did she take their daughter? if not he needs to get sole custody so that she just can't come and take the child.

Also if the local hospital didn't have space, I'm guessing you mean the one on Bull Street, did he try the private metal health place in Lexington? I can't remember the name it's down from Lex Med, if he does take her back that would be the better option next time she need treatment