My frustrating and racist situation at work(long)

[CantAffordMAC]

Okay. So I work in a hair salon in a nice/rich/predominantly white town. I live in this town.
About a month ago, my boyfriend was coming to my job to pick me up. So he comes up the stairs and walks into the salon. My boss's husband was standing at the door holding it open for a client, and when my boyfriend walked in right after the client, my boss's husband looked at him like

"what are you doing here? who the hell are you?" But no words were spoken. I was cleaning up and didn't notice any of this happening until my boyfriend walked in and looked at my boss's husband with an attitude. I found out later what had happened, and my boyfriend explained to me that he is tired of people looking at him like he shouldn't be in this town, or he shouldn't be in a particular place. He said that this man (boss's husband) looked at him with disgust and shock, and he has gotten that look way too many times before. I apologized for not understanding, and that was that.

Now my boss's husband is always nice. Everytime he comes in he is pleasant and talks to everyone, and theres never any problems. My boss and her husband are both Colombian and both have big accents.

Today her husband came in again and was getting shampooed while I was at the sink next to him cleaning. My boss walks away from him to go do something, and he gets up to wrap a towel around his head. He is standing, looking in the mirror and saying "Oh! I look like a Muslim. I look like a Muslim. This is how the blacks do it."
Now, I heard everything he said, but I didn't really know who he was talking to. Then he says "This is how the blacks do it. Rebecca...have you ever seen them do this?"

"Do what?" I said

"Tie that thing around their heads?" he said

"Um..no." I said

"Oh. Well they wear long, long, long, long white t-shirts and they tie those black things around their heads. You've never seen them do that?"

"Uhh, no I haven't" I didn't want to talk to him, I was getting more and more mad and didn't even know what to say.

"Ohh, well it must be in Philadelphia then, I guess they don't do that around here." and he walks away

UMMMMMMMM HELLO!!?!?! I know DAMN well he saw my boyfriend walk in that day and give me a kiss while I was cleaning up. Even if he didn't see that, he had absolutely no right to even talk to me like that. If you're racist or stereotypical, keep it to yourself. I can't even BELIEVE how some people think they can say whatever they want to these days, like their words would never offend anyone.

But the thing is...I've heard a lot of people say racist/stereotypical things like this, either right in front of me, or to my face. I heard a client tell a stylist that she works at a restaurant and its a known fact that black people don't tip (what year are you in, bitch?

) But the first thing that pops in my mind is my boyfriend. It breaks my heart to hear things that people say, because my boyfriend happens to be black and he is such a good person. But I SHOULD GET OFFENDED. I'm half white and half black. And yet my boyfriend is the first person on my mind when I hear something like this.

I wanted to say something to him so bad today, but I really didn't want to start any drama. I didn't even know what to say at the time, and I think I was kind of dumbfounded. I am not the kind of person to cause conflict with someone (well not like this anyways) so its hard for me to choose what to say without being way out of line myself. I guess maybe I also feel some type of way because its my boss's husband.
To make things even more...interesting: I was getting ready to leave and my boss comes up to me and hands me $2 and says its from her husband. I didn't do ANYTHING for him in the salon today so i don't know why he decided to tip me. I told her this and she said "I know, but he wants you to have it just because"....

oooooooookaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyy. huh? opinions on this situation...suggestions on how to approach it the next time..advice..anything would be appreciated. thanks guys

 

[dmenchi]

Hi! I'm a complelty blond /green/blue eyes person and as pale as any wall- i lived in asia and in many other places- but in america which is supposed to be the 'melting pot' i've experienced as much raceissm as in arab cultures towards me(no black hair& brown contacts) it's rediculus....My step dad is an arab, my step mom is asian and i've seen people treat us so diffrently in any part of the wolrd. Please don't scoop down to those people level and let them put you down....i feel sadness hearing this in the 21st century- COM 'om Motherfuckers' (excuse my crude language) but it's true - we are all humans and that's all that counts...Those people will never change their minds and you should realize that you are above this- are they a thread to your LOVE? NO!!!! and they are misssing out, praying FOR YOU! we need to pray forTHEM!! all in good humor- let's vent here and then let's life take it's turns LOL

 

[aziajs]

Quote:

Originally Posted by CantAffordMAC If you're racist or stereotypical, keep it to yourself. I can't even BELIEVE how some people think they can say whatever they want to these days, like their words would never offend anyone.

Sweetheart, what you fail to realize is that A) A lot of people don't care. They make racists comments and jokes and don't see anything wrong with it. And these are often the same people who would be "appauled" at bigotry or the idea that they themselves are bigots. B) Racism is SOOO prevalent everywhere and so ingrained in the way people think and function that it's sad. C) You have to learn how to check people. This is always to be done in a polite and curteous way but also leaving no doubt that what they have said/done is unacceptable and inappropriate.

I have dealt with shit like this in my jobs. White people commenting on how "articulate" I am. The assumption that I am from the inner city. Surprise that I am intelligent enough to have gone to certain schools. Don't even get me started.

 

[Beauty Mark]

Racism has gone underground for the most part. There's stuff that happens that isn't obvious, ie. burning crosses in a yard, yet it's still racist.

You have some options of how to deal with your boss's husband. Bear in mind that sometimes you have to compromise your values if you need money and you don't have another job to fall back on. I don't like doing it, but it is a reality. Your first option is tell the husband how offensive it is to stereotype black people or treat them like crooks. However, depending on many factors, even doing that politely can be a problem. Your second option is to ignore it, which I don't think will make anyone happy. Your third option is to play ignorant a little and pretend that the husband treated your boyfriend badly because he was unfamiliar. You can broach the subject as, "Did not tell you about my boyfriend? He noticed you were looking at him oddly the other day." About the wrap thing... it's a gray area, IMO. The black community is really the only community I know that wears wave caps, unless they're rap stars, like Eminem. I think it's honestly more offensive towards Muslims, since one of the popular slurs against them is "towel head." You can "enlighten" him by saying, "Do you mean wrap it like this? Or this? Or this?" Show him that black people wrap their hair up differently.

As much as I try fight racism in daily life, there are many people who aren't even worth fighting. It's difficult to impossible to change people's views who can't even grasp they are x, y, or z. Most people, regardless of color, nationality, gender, etc., will not admit to being racist. There are white supremacist groups who don't admit they're racist. As Alcoholics Anonymous is infamous for, "The first step is admitting you have a problem." If people won't even meet you at that, you can't do a thing.

 

[aziajs]

CantAffordMAC, just out of curiosity how did he have that towel wrapped? When I read your post I thought he had it wrapped like a turban and referred to that being how black muslims wrapped their heads.

 

[ChynaSkye]

it is truely sad that people not only still feel this way, but that they also do not realize how inappropriate it is to voice it and make others feel uncomfortable. im sorry you have to deal with this. i agree with the other gals here, there are many options to deal with it and you have to weigh your choices for what is best for you. personally i couldn't let it slide and put on a smile every day. and i would probably respond to his comments with innocent responses that get the point across. i.e. playing innocent like beauty mark said above. or a "not so innocent" comment that is still not offensive in return like, "..hmmm... my boyfriend and his family are black & they seem to not do that... i guess everyone is different in their own way..." or something similar. hopefully you can enlighten him with some common sense, feel better about the situation and not feel wieghed down by it daily.
good luck hun ;-)

 

[CantAffordMAC]

Quote:

Originally Posted by aziajs CantAffordMAC, just out of curiosity how did he have that towel wrapped? When I read your post I thought he had it wrapped like a turban and referred to that being how black muslims wrapped their heads.

Well, he kind of just placed it over his head, and tucked it behind his ears, and then grabbed the back of it so it looked like a ponytail. I'm sure he was talking about do-rags/wavecaps...at first he said he looked like a muslim, then changed it to talk about black guys in Philly.

Thanks everyone for your comments. If he says ANYthing of this sort again I'm gonna say something to him. its just a hard situation for me i guess

 

[lipstickandhate]

Just buy a sombrero and a bean burrito from Taco Bell and ask him if he feels at home on Monday. You might also consider attempting to sell him a plastic baggy full of powdered sugar with a knowing wink.

 

[aziajs]

Quote:

Originally Posted by lipstickandhate Just buy a sombrero and a bean burrito from Taco Bell and ask him if he feels at home on Monday. You might also consider attempting to sell him a plastic baggy full of powdered sugar with a knowing wink.

LMAO!!! Ignorant!!! You should have heard how hard I laughed when I read this! I like the powdered sugar comment. I thought about that too.

 

[flowerhead]

Grr reading this made me so angry...how horrible people are is beyond me.
lipstick...You're being just as racist and the cocaine situation in Columbia is no laughing fucking matter, I knew a girl in Upper School who had to leave behind most of her family because of the violence

 

[aziajs]

Quote:

Originally Posted by flowerhead lipstick...You're being just as racist...

I think she knows that. That's her point. She's pointing out how ignorant and racist his actions and comments were. Essentially, holding a mirror in front of him.

 

[Shimmer]

That's the whole point, flowerhead.

 

[flowerhead]

Well it's hard to read people's tone on the internet so I apologize. It's still a ridiculous thing to write, very cheap point

 

[lipstickandhate]

Good Lord, flowerhead. Way to miss the point entirely.

Don't get all high and mighty b/c you know a single Colombian refugee. Let me tell you who I know, intimately, for my entire life:

My father is a refugee from Cuba; my mother fled Northern Ireland in the early 70's and my dad runs a business chock full of various Latin Americans who left violence in Colombia, El Salvador and Nicaragua. In FACT, one of his employees is the daughter of a wealthy Colombian businessman who was targeted by a cartel so they sent her to the US to work and to keep her safe. Another gentleman left El Salvador b/c of problems in his neighborhood with MS-13. Google MS-13. I'm sure you have no idea what that is.

These people, by the way, still have senses of humor.

 

[flowerhead]

Don't sensationalize what I wrote. And I'm not getting into a discussion about refugees it's completeley off-topic. I'm sorry I didn't detect your humour, the internet's funny like that...but maybe a discussion about racism isn't the best place for it.
For the record I don't have to google it, it's not exactly unknown. You shouldn't patronize people you don't know the first thing about.

 

[angeliquea~+]

CantAffordMAC you mentioned that you are also half-Black, is the bosses husband aware of this? Perhaps you should make reference to your lineage next time you're at work, (not sure if it will work) but he way stop making comments like this so as not to offend you.

And if he doesn't desist knowing full well your ancestry, well, I know you gotta do what you gotta do to get money, but I don't think I could handle working with someone that is openly racist towards me.

Either way I hope everything works out, please keep us posted

 

[yummy411]

Quote:

Originally Posted by angelique☆ CantAffordMAC you mentioned that you are also half-Black, is the bosses husband aware of this? Perhaps you should make reference to your lineage next time you're at work, (not sure if it will work) but he way stop making comments like this so as not to offend you. And if he doesn't desist knowing full well your ancestry, well, I know you gotta do what you gotta do to get money, but I don't think I could handle working with someone that is openly racist towards me. Either way I hope everything works out, please keep us posted

exactly my sentiments. i was just thinking that she (cantaffordmac) could say to her boss "i'll try really hard not to be offended by that since i'm half black." Good luck with that cantaffordmac. It's annoying and unfortunately a part of our 'american' culture. we just have to decide to keep our peace and try to educate when possible... in small tidbits, letting them know, check them or even being at peace that some people are just plain ignorant and it's not even worth your time or your breath.

 

[giz2000]

disregard...thanks!

 

[lipstickandhate]

Quote:

Originally Posted by flowerhead Don't sensationalize what I wrote. And I'm not getting into a discussion about refugees it's completeley off-topic. I'm sorry I didn't detect your humour, the internet's funny like that...but maybe a discussion about racism isn't the best place for it. .

A) I didn't sensationalize anything you wrote. I don't take kindly to being accused of being racist. I'm of mixed-race myself and although I am well aware that anyone can be racist--as CantAffordMac's boss has so kindly showed all of us---, my comment was meant to point at the fact stereotypes exist about everyone and her boss has no right to say those things to/about her.

I'm very sure he wouldn't appreciate her stereotyping Colombians in the way I described. I apologize to you that others found my comment amusing.

B) Refugees aren't off topic since your hysterical offense at my comment and accusation of racism is based on the fact that you are well acquainted with one. I am merely pointing out that I too am well acquainted with many and am certainly well-aware of their problems and plight.

C) Discussing stereotypes doesn't trivialize the world's problems and it certainly doesn't mean you buy into them.

 

[Beauty Mark]

The point of her post was "treat other people how you wish to be treated." Most people don't want those aimed at them, honestly.

YMMV on whether that's a good tactic or not. Frankly, some people are too stupid to realize how hypocritical or absurd they are when you do that and become too indignant to deal with.