Need advice regarding relationships!

[insanebeauty27]

Ok, this will probably end up being really long but I need to vent a little and also get some advice on what I should do! I just turned 23 in Dec. and I am engaged to a 26 (almost 27) year old. I really truly love him to death and I can't see myself in the future without him in some way (maybe as friends instead) but at the same time I can't see myself with him as his wife! We have been together almost 2 years and engaged for almost a year but I feel like I am trapped. He was very depressed and on meds before he met me and I sorta got his life straightened out. Now whenever we fight or argue and I say I want to leave he breaks down and says he wants to commit suicide. I don't know what to do because I really care about him and I don't want anything bad to happen to him but I just don't think things between us are going to work out.

For instance, he is very controlling but yet he doesn't know it. Like, if I have to stop and get gas in my car or whatever on the way home from work and I'm not home the same time as usual he will call my cell phone like 50 times (not literally but at least 5)! And everytime I talk to a friend he gets mad because I am talking to them and not paying attention to him. I feel like now, I really don't have any friends because I only ever do things and go places with my fiance. Then when I tell him I hate it that he doesn't let me have friends he says that he doesn't do that and its not his fault. Everything fight and argument is my fault (according to him) and I know some of them are my fault because I am way far from perfect, but he never admits that something is his fault.

Then other things that really irritates me is when he invites friends over without asking. We live together (rent a house from my grandparents) and I don't mind when he has people over, I mean don't get me wrong im not a b*tch or anything. But one night my sister (only 11) wanted to spend the night so of course I let her (because she really misses me since I moved out on my own). Well my sister and I were asleep and my fiance was upstairs on the computer. The phone rang and woke me up at 1am and he came downstairs then and said that his brother was coming over. I got so irritated because I was sleeping and it was 1am and my little sister was there. He never asked me if it was ok either! So his brother comes over and they were upstairs playing guitars and drums (with amps which makes it extremely loud) until around 230 am! I think that is about as rude as someone can get!

So here is my question, do I stay with him so I don't hurt him and i'm unhappy for the rest of my life, or do I tell him I want to break up and that I want him to move out and risk having him try to hurt himself?

There are so many other things but I am tired of typing and Im sure everyone doesn't want to read this much. Sorry for the long post!

 

[pumpkincat210]

It sounds like you already know what you want to do, you just have to do it. No point in being miserable and then getting married and still miserable, but then you have to go through a divorce! Its wrong of him to be posessive of you to the extent he is. And threatening to commit suicide if you decide to leave?! That is quite a horrible situation to be in, but he needs some help! If you stay in a relationship like this, things will likely get only worse and maybe even be abusive. If you're not sure whether you want to stay with him, you both should see a relationship therapist or marriage counselor.
I hope everything is okay, but you need to make yourself happy before anyone else is!

 

[insanebeauty27]

Thank you for your advice! I think I am going to call off the engagement and have him move out and maybe if he gets some help we can try dating in the future, but right now I think I am too young to be tied down and unhappy! Now i just have to get the guts and tell him and hope that he doesn't hurt himself! Then I will have to find a roommate because I don't think I can afford the rent for a 4 bedroom house by myself lol!

 

[lovejam]

After reading your most recent post, I'm glad to see you've decided to call off the engagement. The relationship sounds very unhealthy for the both of you. He is far too dependent on you for his emotional well-being, when it sounds like he's not particularly *happy* in the relationship either.

My suggestion would be to talk to his parents or his brother (whoever he is closer to), let them know you're planning to call off the engagement and ask him to move out. Tell them you are informing them, because in the past he has threatened suicide to keep you around. That way, they can keep an eye on him to make sure he doesn't do what he threatens to do.

When you break up with him, if he threatens to hurt himself, let him know that you care what happens to him, but that it's not fair to either of you to stick around just because you're worried that he'll hurt himself.

After you break up with him, call his brother and ask him to come pick him up. He can stay with his brother, so that someone can watch over him.

I wouldn't offer the possibility of getting back together, though. He might end up getting help for the wrong reasons (getting help just so you'll be with him again), which means he probably won't actually get better. Just let him know that you do care for him, and that you want him to get help so that he won't have to depend on anyone else for his emotional well-being.

It's obvious to me that you do have love for him, and more than anything you want to see him becoming strong, but it doesn't seem like he can do that while he's with you. He is using you as a crutch, and that's not fair to either of you.

 

[Corvs Queen]

And, IF you do break up with him I would do it in a public place so that things couldn't get heated and dangerous for you. It less likely that he would cause a scene in front of others. Hope it all works out for the best.

 

[bluegrassbabe]

The relationship that you are describing is an abusive one, at least on a mental and emotional level. I hope you leave it before it gets any worse. I agree with the idea of letting his family know that you plan on calling off the engagement. I have no idea is he is serious about the suicide or not, but you could feel better knowing that he has that support system during the breakup. You cannot make yourself responsible for another persons happiness. It's a no-win for you. Call it off, and mean it.

 

[joytheobscure]

This is obviously not a positive relationship for you if you feel this way. You shouldn't feel smothered by him and need your own space. I think the suicide threats need to be taken seriously and I agree that you should contact his family and make sure they know and if he does threaten suicide in front of you when you break it off, contact the police because they can get an emotional order of detainment and perhaps "break him" of saying it if he's saying it to continue controlling you. Good Luck, I think you have a hard road ahead of you doing this, because you obviously care about him but you dont' need to be with someone who doesnt' make you happy.

 

[karen]

ditto on all of the above.
do it and do it quickly. the longer you let it simmer, the worse it will be on everyone involved.
also, I agree with those who say to do it in a public place. If he threatens suicide, call the cops, they can place him on suicide watch.

 

[kimmy]

i agree fully with everything that's been said. it's not healthy for you, or him, to be in this relationship. it is indeed an abusive one, one an emotional and mental level, which in my opinion, is the worst kind of abuse.

as far as offering him another chance, i wouldn't do it. simply because if he really does have a problem with depression, that will never change and if you two did get back into a relationship, it's likely to end up the same way and that's alot to handle once, let alone twice.

just lay everything out on the table for him, you know. tell him why the relationship is ending the way it is and tell him exactly how you feel. don't worry about how it's going to affect him. you need to get this stuff off your chest, you need to let him know what he did to get himself where he did. tell him about the control issues, the insensitivity, the uncomfortable threats...tell it all. that way he knows why this is happening and can perhaps work to change them for your sake and his, since you want to stay friends.

hope it all works out for you, darling

 

[Pink_minx]

I had an ex bf who threatened me if I was to break up with him he would kill himself. Its scary. I think its time for you to think about yourself in this situation if you are not ready for it then you should step out of it has quick as you can before it gets even worse. I mean if you want to try to work things out or slow things down tell him. I know its not easy to tell him straight up how you feel, but you have to. Its really unfair of him to say that he will commit suicide if you break up with him. You should tell his friends or family whats going on and have them watch him. When I was with my exbf when I broke up with him I asked his older brother and some of his close friends to watch out for him make sure he doesnt do anything stupid. Do what you need to do. good luck!

 

[xxElusivexx]

He is a grown man and not your responsibility. You can't stay with him and he shouldn't be guilting you into doing so- that is emotional abuse. Maybe you should ask him to get some help before you break up with him? Maybe then that way, you can talk to his counsellor or whatever and ask for advice on the best way to do it. He also then has professional help ongoing in case he does get overly upset.

The bottom line is, you have to look after yourself here and not let anyone control your life. Good luck hun and remember his emotional problems are not your fault no matter what happens..

 

[blueyedlady87]

I feel your pain. I was in a highly (emotionally) abusive realationship for 2 years. He controlled every aspect about me. -I had to get constant approval from him. Even how long I could wear my acrylic nails. In a way, I became dependent on his 'control' to be who I was. (If that makes sense??) It's like he crippled me, and then I had to depend on him. He always threatened suicide if I ever broke up with him. But I never wanted to b/c I was madly in love with him. In the end he wanted to 'play the field' so he broke up with me. I tried everything from telling him I was pregnant to threatening suicide. And one time i actually did try to commit suicide. My life just felt empty w/o him. But my point is that he depends on you like a son would depend on his mom. You don't need that. I doubt that he'd actually go through w/ the suicide. after me and him broke up we got have got back together 2 other times these past 2 years. And when I look back on it, it's just a horrible situation. yes, I still miss him, but my life is so much better. Now, I'm totally independent and much happier. **End of my sob story.. lol** He may hate you and be depressed, but in the end, he may thank you for it. You have to do it in a public place, in case he goes crazy. Also, be prepared for the fact that he may not want to be friends w/ you at first. I wish you the best of luck!!! Let us know how it goes!

*Hugs*