Opinions Needed !

[Cupcake Queen]

I'll give you a quick backgound first.

My Fiance and I have been together almost 8 yrs in April. Recently (around valentine's day), he told me he didn't know how he felt about me anymore and wasn't sure if he wanted to be with me. We haven't broken up or seperated and are technically still together. We're still sexual active together.

On Valentine's day he met a girl after work for drinks (he had never met her in person, they had only spoken over the phone/email).
I normally pick him up, and i waited 40 minutes before I called him to see where he was. He said he would be home late.
When he got home, He told me he went for drinks with one of the guys from work.
Later that night he confessed it was with a girl he was meeting for the first time (he paid for drinks).
I should add he didn't get me a card, or celebrate valentines day with me this year.

So they've been speaking regularly and he inists they're just friends, but he finds her attractive and has said things she say are cute.
His mum asked if he was seeing anyone else, and he mentioned this girl to her.

Yesterday he told me they were planning to catch up *maybe* next week for dinner and a movie after work (it would be the second time they have met in person). I asked him if he would pay and he said possibiliy.
I told him it is a date, he doesn't think it is or will come across as a date. He has told this girl that he doesn't know if he wants to be with me.

Do you guys consider him taking her to dinner and the movies a date? or just a friendly gesuture?
I should add, I always want to do dinner and the movies, and the last time he took me was maybe september. Just recently i asked if he wanted to go and he said there was nothing good on and he didn't want to.

 

[Allegiance]

How did you find out the he finds her attractive? At least he seems to be telling you about what is happening with her.

 

[ShesAFoxyLady]

I'm sorry but there is no way I would accept that from my fiance, and I am usually quite laid back about such things but... It was valentines day and he spent it with another woman. Then he's taking her out for dinner and to the cinema, and he is telling her he doesn't know how he feels about you - alarm bells ringing big time! Is there any good reason why he should be taking her out, apart from that he wants to? It also sounds odd that he suddenly starts meeting her round about the time when he's saying he doesn't know how he feels about you. IMO, he needs to make his mind up what he wants and stop messing you around.

 

[Cupcake Queen]

I should also add he says he only decided to catch up with her on Valentine's day because she was in the area of his work and it was a last minute decision.
I still see it as he made the decision to spend valentine's day with someone else - although he says the fact it was valentine's day is just a coincidence.

(sorry I don't know how to edit a post so I could add that!)

 

[LMD84]

honestly it sounds like a date.and quite frankly why would you want to stay with a man who obviously doesnt give a crap about your feelings? no man after 8 years would turn around and say that he doesnt know how he feels but still sleep with you and then start seeing somebody else too. you deserve better than that and you should respect yourself more and tell him to get gone. quite frankly jusding by the short amount of time it has taken him to meet somebody else says that he has been thinking about this kind of thing for a while. and to mention this girl to his mother!! jesus! he is incredibly in-sensitive and you need to ditch him as soon as. no good will come out of this releationship now sadly. i know it is hard to completely split when you have been together for so long but i think it would be best.

 

[ShesAFoxyLady]

I've thought about this quite a bit since I first read your thread (as I found it quite disturbing to be honest) and I couldn't agree more with what Lou has said.

I'm sorry but this is just totally unacceptable and horrendously insensitive behaviour from him and you need to show him that you aren't going to accept it in no uncertain terms. To me it sounds like he's lining up your replacement by dipping his toe back into dating but still keeping you hanging around incase he decides to change his mind and stay.

It's not fair on you at all and you deserve much better than to be treated like that - especially as his fiance and after 8 years together! If he'll hurt you like this now, he won't think twice about doing it again. Also, things seem to be moving along quite fast with this other girl so I wouldn't expect him to be faithful for much longer either

honestly it sounds like a date.and quite frankly why would you want to stay with a man who obviously doesnt give a crap about your feelings? no man after 8 years would turn around and say that he doesnt know how he feels but still sleep with you and then start seeing somebody else too. you deserve better than that and you should respect yourself more and tell him to get gone. quite frankly jusding by the short amount of time it has taken him to meet somebody else says that he has been thinking about this kind of thing for a while. and to mention this girl to his mother!! jesus! he is incredibly in-sensitive and you need to ditch him as soon as. no good will come out of this releationship now sadly. i know it is hard to completely split when you have been together for so long but i think it would be best.

 

[Cydonian]

Wait... wait... let me get this straight. You're dating someone. You have a long term relationship. You are having sex. Am I right so far?

So... can I ask why you're sticking around while he takes another person out? That is COMPLETELY inappropriate, no questions asked. It doesn't matter if he pays, she pays, or it's a free meal. It's two people of the opposite gender spending time together, and meanwhile HIS sig other (you) is at home... something is VERY wrong there.

I suggest you move on. No need to hang around this guy that "doesn't know". What he doesn't know is whether this new girl is good in the sack or not, which is why he's keeping you around.

Sorry if this is crass, it's my experience.

 

[DILLIGAF]

Insensitive is an understatement. Cruel would be a more accurate description. He is only considering himself in this arrangement. I understand it can be hard to start over after being in a relationship for 8 years but you have to stop thinking about how he feels and start thinking about yourself. He obviously is. So take the selfish route. Think about you and how this is not acceptable. I would say to get gone before things get worse. Judging by the callous way he's treating you, it seems to be heading that way.

 

[LMD84]

yes cruel is the right word. this guy sounds really nasty. i hope you are ok cupcake queen but i really do think you are better off without this guy!

 

[fieran]

Seems like he's had a major change of heart. *HUG* CupcakeQueen, you deserve to be loved, cherished, and definitely respected. You have feelings too and he's not even taking 5 minutes to consider your feelings. Please, please, move on. You deserve so much better.

 

[ShesAFoxyLady]

Hope you're okay CQ and that things are getting clearer for you...

 

[ladybutterfly00]

Reading your story just made my blood boil, typical selfish male behavior, keeping you on the side until he makes up his mind about either staying or leaving the 8 years relationship. Until his "highness" makes his decision, he'll keep you on stand by, sleeps with you whenever he wants and at the same time go see other people while you don't. That is probably every man's fantasy and that's how selfish men can be sometimes, they allow themselves behavior that they won't allow their girlfriends/fiancees under the pretext of "not knowing" or "soul searching" or other crap. I say he's already moved on in his head, but don't give him the satisfaction of leaving you, you give him the boot because if he's not sure about how he feels for you or how he feels about your relationship after 8 years, he probably never will be sure. Don't buy his lame excuses, you deserve better so don't let him walk all over you...

I wish you the best in this situation

 

[Cupcake Queen]

Thank you for you opinions and support - it really gives me a lot to think about what I want to do.

 

[Lyssah]

I agree with what everyone else has said. You should leave him. He isn't considering your feelings and who's to say if he decides to stick around that it won't happen again?
Nobody should have to put up with that. Give yourself the respect you deserve.

 

[katred]

CQ, that's a really horrible thing to have to go through, but save yourself the pain: Show him the door immediately if not sooner. You deserve a lot better than someone who doesn't know how he feels about you. It's incredibly selfish of him to assume that he can still have you at home to come pick him up, etc., but that he can still date other women. (And yes, it is a date.) I had an ex pull this kind of thing with me and I kick myself for not getting rid of him sooner than I did. (And by the way, it took three shots to get rid of him, because every time I'd end things, he'd come back in tears saying he'd seen the error of his ways, he loved me and blah, blah- just made the inevitable slower and more painful.)

8 years is a long time together and you don't know what's going to happen in the long run. For the moment, he needs to go and figure out what his real feelings are and you need to appreciate the fun you can have on your own and what other people have to offer you. Hope things start to get better for you very soon.