parents and divorce...what should i do?

[AbovexThexStars]

Hi ladies, i'm sorry for posting this on here, but I feel very comfortable on specktra and really enjoy the forum. Well, here goes the story...A few months ago in October, my dad left the computer on that he uses during the day to find a job, since he was unemployed and looking for a job. He left the computer on and my mom found the email address that my dad was hiding from her. He had been talking and meeting up with this guy he knew from high school, Steve, whom he did some sexual things with in high school. When my mom found out, she was floored and very upset, and there was alot of tension between them. My dad flat out lied to my mom and told him that the meet ups with Steve didn't meet anything and the things they were talking about together online (mostly sexual) were just 'the way you talked online'. So my mom wanted to divorce him for a while, but decided to give him another chance and they agreed to work on their marriage.

Now it is January and things have been seeming weird again. My brother and I were home for winter break for a while, and we noticed my dad would have the door of the computer room shut all day and when we walked in he would immediately shut the screen off or X out of windows messenger. Today, my mom asked me to clean up the computer, since it was running really slow. Well, while cleaning it, I found a keylogger program that they installed last year to try and keep me away from my ex boyfriend who was harassing me. The keylogger, which logs everything that is typed on the computer or websites used , was still running and logging everything. I looked at the report and found all these things that my dad does during the day....he has an alias that he uses at gay.com and an email address that he uses to contact people he meets online and meets in person. I was jawdropped at the things i read and very upset.

My dad is cheating on my mom behind her back and I don't know what to do about this. They've been married for 30 years, which is a long time...Maybe i shouldn't meddle in their relationship?

If you have read all of this, thank you sooo much, from the bottom of my heart , I truly appreciate it! Advice would be really helpful, thanks!

 

[TISH1124]

Wow! I did read it all ...and I have no idea what advice to give....I can only say I am sorry that you are going through this and I hope you figure out the best way to handle this situation with both your Dad and your Mom. I know I would let him know that I knew and I probably would demand he be honest with your mom or tell him you will . It is such a horrible situation to put your mother through especially. If he wants to be with men then he needs to at least man up to your Mom and say that. To put his kids through this is just as unfair...you all deserve the truth out of respect.

So sad.....Big Hugs sweetie! Sorry I can't be of any help.

 

[Beauty Mark]

I think you need to give your father an ultimatum. He tells or you tell. Besides the emotional side, if he's having a physical affair, he may open your mother up to a host of diseases. Even if it's safe sex, you never know.

I only believe that you should tell your mother if he won't, because I imagine she'd feel betrayed if she knew that you knew and didn't say anything to her.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

[caffn8me]

What a truly awful situation to be in - I really feel for you. I do agree that you need to talk to your father about it. Beyond that, I don't think there's anything I can do except hope for the best for all of you.

Good luck!

 

[euphrosyne_rose]

Wow. Just wow. Something similar happened to me in that my mom left my dad after almost 25 years and it turns out it was b/c she had met someone online and they are now married!! My mom would be on the internet and when we'd come into the room she'd X out of her chat session or minimize the screen.

My advice is to get your dad alone and tell him you know. I would tell him that what he's doing is not right and he needs to be honest with your mom. If he has any respect for his family he'll tell the truth and while that will really screw things up with your family, at least the truth will be out and you all can start moving on. Your mom deserves to know the truth and sooner rather than later but it's not up to you to tell her, it's up to your dad. I know it's really hard to digest everything that's happened but I also would say it's best to try and not get in the middle and try not to take sides. If one or the other of your parents wants to talk about things with you, talk with them and suggest talking things out as a family. It's only going to get worse the longer your dad tries to keep it a secret b/c at some point, it's going to come out whether you tell your mom or she finds out on her own.

Big hugs and hope things work out and it gets settled in peaceful fashion. Good luck!

 

[OfficerJenny]

I read it all

I agree with Tish. And although your Dad is definitely the one at fault for this, he is probably going through some problems with the whole thing too. Most likely a load of shame for being Gay. I think you should let him know that you know what is going on, and that he needs to tell your mom, but that you still love him. It's a tough situation to deal with for everyone.

Just let him know that he needs to tell her. But make sure he knows that you don't hate him for being Gay or anything.

Hope to help *hug!*

 

[Curly1908]

I read it all.

I feel sorry for both your Mom and your Dad. Your father has probably been hiding his sexuality his entire life, and your mom has been in the dark. You should definitely tell your Mom, and make sure she goes to get STD tests. If your father has been having sex with every online Tom, Dick, and Harriette -- it's no telling what he could've infected your Mom with.

Stay strong!

 

[Prinsesa]

Hey hun, divorces are the worst

But basically..I agree with everyone. And just let him know that you knew about it AND its either he tells your mom or you tell your mom.

 

[Dahlia_Rayn]

I don't have any other advice that hasn't been offered, but I wanted to send big hugs your way. This is not going to be easy for anyone involved, and I'm sorry your family has to go through this. I'll pray for you and think positive thoughts!

 

[X4biddenxLustX]

I'm really sorry that this is happening to you and that your just stuck in the middle of it

.

But like what everyone has been saying you really need to talk to your dad alone and get the truth from him and try to get him to fess up to your family about this. And if he doesn't, I think that even though its going to suck

, your going to have to be the one to say something to your family about it. Not only does your mom deserve to know the truth about what is going on (infidelity is infidelity regardless if your dad is gay or not) but your whole family deserves to also.

 

[blazeno.8]

Hm... I know people who are the children of parents who only came out of the closet quite late. I'm going to make several assumptions here and correct me if any of them are wrong.

I think the best thing for you is to understand that no matter what happens, these are your parents and they love you. This is also a conscious decision that your father made without taking other people into consideration meaning: 1) it's not your fault, your brother's fault, or your mother's fault 2) it's probably not done with the willful intent to hurt someone. Now that doesn't mean that others might not be hurt as a consequence of his actions, and he's probably well aware of that which is why he's hiding it.

Your father is still your father. I bet he's going through a lot right now. You don't have to respect his choices to hide this from your mom and the family, but I think that you might still want to respect the positive role he's played in your life. The very same positive role that has given you the capacity to know that this is wrong.

If you feel that you should get involved and ask your father to take accountability for his actions, that's up to you. If you feel you should be quite and let the keylogger take its course, that's also up to you.

 

[Holy Rapture]

I guess everything that could be said, has already been ... But, still I wanted to send huge hugs your way ....

Hope everything goes smoothly and peacefully

 

[sayah]

I would have a hard time not showing my mom what I found if I were in your shoes. I'ts nice of you to think about your fathers feeling but come on, it sounds like he's using your mom and that makes me care less about being nice to him.