Parents & Boyfriend Suggestions

[kaliraksha]

Recently, my boyfriend and I have been more concerned about his parents accepting us because we are discussing getting married (not like in the next few months... but after we graduate). All in all, we understand and have extensively talked about it... that if it comes down to it our happiness is more important than pleasing them... but ideally we want everyone to get along =)

Well, there are three major things wrong here according to my boyfriend's parents.

1. He's suppose to be concentrating on school and not have a girlfriend. He can "date" whenever he graduates and meets a girl to marry according to his parents. (SO obviously they dont understand dating... and have admitted that)

2. I'm not Indian and he is... and he is the only child and the only family they have in the US.

3. I'm a 1.5 yrs older than he is and they think he should find someone more his age and that I influence him negatively... (I think this is ridiculous, but it's still a point to keep in mind)

When we first started dating we weren't necessarily serious so keeping it a secret from his parents was no biggy... since they didn't want him dating period. Later when we got serious he told them we were dating... of course a hysterical fit was in order from his parents.

He still can't tell them how much time we spend together because they tend to blame everything on me... they blamed me for him not getting a haircut when he came home ... asking him if I liked his hair long or if I took up too much of his time to get his haircut?

However, I will agree that progress has been made... his mom won't even consider the option that we could really care about each other... she use to come out and say hi to me when we were just "friends"...and now if I go pick him up she stays inside and won't come outside at all. At first they were concerned that we were too close of friends... now that we're dating they want us to just be good friends... maybe I should tell them we're married and have a kid and they will accept the dating? Haha

It's no longer about his age and dating... because they told him he can date as long as it's someone who is Indian. So that doesn't help me too much.

I'm mostly just stressed out... because generally speaking... parents like me... and his not liking me... I know it's because they're bias because they don't want to get to know me. His dad told him that he didn't want to get to know me because he's scared he would like the type of person I am. His dad is like our only hope - although he gives him little fits about it I think it's because his mom pushes his dad to get my bf to leave me. Recently his dad asked for a suggestion on a book to read about dating and why it was acceptable and good to date before getting married. His dad is really intellectual and likes to see everything in writing and with studies or some form of logic... so this might actually be helpful. This one act is giving us hope that they will come around.

Anyone experienced anything like this? Words of advice with difficult "in-law" types? Any book suggestions?

I mean we're both set that if it comes down to it... we will just need to stop caring about it and move on and live happily... but he means the world to his parents... they are 110% all about him... do not have a life outside of him (yes, this is a huge problem... but they won't even go out to their wedding anniversary dinner without him... so that's an entire other issue) and I don't want to see him break away from his parents just because we couldn't get past the ice breaker and the preconceived notions about each other. I see it all the time... he calls his parents less, he doesn't talk to them about what's really going on, he lies to them and he resents them more because they blame everything on me... and he pulls away... and then they blame that on me too (which is true, sure... but only because they give him such a hard time about something that should be normal and his choice). It's a never ending cycle.... they throw out some random BS about his choices related to me... he resents them... stops calling them... they blame it on me...he stays away even more... and it just keeps going on. I try my best to remember all of this, but sometimes the stuff they say about me really upsets me... and I try not to make a big deal about it because I don't want him to be upset with them and pull away more and I realize they are making judgements without knowing me... but it gets very tiring... the first six months they would call all the time to see if he was with me... or to tell him that I was giving his mom heart problems at night!

Any suggestions appreciated... or just words of advice... or just comforting... I'm just stressed out with my own life and feel like the sooner we tackle this the better... if we get married and they're like this... I don't know if I want to marry into something like that... I feel it will come down to we leave this negativity out of our life by leaving them or we can't be together. My boyfriend and I have gone through a lot to be together... stuff we've put ourselves through... and my friends who didn't know him at all trying to keep us apart... and then later his friends wanting to keep us apart- because they all needed to be single so they could fuck around together.

Sorry this is entirely too long.... even if no one responds... just getting it out somewhere and knowing it might get looked at some time takes a little off my chest. Thanks guys <3

 

[bAbY_cHiCkEn01]

That really blows... I don't really know what to say except I personally would just say **** the parents and do ya own thing, but thats extremely hard because hes an only child and his parents give everything/do everything etc for him... Are they traditional? If so, maybe your bf could scare them by telling them that you're gonna run off to vegas and get married ie elope, if they don't calm down and get to know you better or something (I think theyre quite into weddings aren't they?!)... Maybe they realise this is really serious otherwise he parents wouldn't really mind him "dating", and they're scared to let their "little" boy go... especially as he's their only child... Just be sensitive, just go in there, smile and get to know his parents, be extra nice, all the time so she can't help but be nice back, that way she might start warming to you. Or work on his dad if you think he's not so against... Learn some indian stuff thats important to them... In all honesty I think his moms just scared to lose him... I hope everything goes well for you both, but at the end of the day, it's what makes the 2 of you happy.

 

[kaliraksha]

Thank you so much for responding. They are rather traditional... they don't even know he loves me... he's never said that to him... the thing is I love the Indian culture... I love a lot of cultures but I enjoy all the cultural activities and know more about them than my boyfriend does like 75% of the time. They just really need to get to know me at least a little... but you're right... they can't complain if I'm nice to them... I'll wear them down with niceness... just the first few times will be akward =(

 

[Juneplum]

oh kali honey i can help u with this FOR SURE! my husband is indian, the baby of the family AND sindhi so u can imagine! i sure the heck ain't! i'm going to pm u so we can chat!!! i'm a pro at the indian non indian thing

 

[inlucesco]

Have you two tried couples counseling yet? Not to imply that you aren't getting along, but it may help you gain some clarity on how to deal with the parents and present a united front.

His dad sounds like he may be reasonable, but his mother is going to have a really hard time letting go of her son. If you should get married and he keeps in touch with them, make sure he's prepared to face her and tell her "no, kalirakasha isn't at fault for this, no, you can't come over without calling first, no, if we want parenting advice we will ask you," etc etc etc. (For all I know he might already be doing that.) And if your boyfriend decides to cut them off, you also want to make sure that he's not going to secretly resent you for what has happened.

I wish you the best of luck - that sounds like a really tough one.

 

[Hawkeye]

WOw. Wow.

OK First things first-you must realize it's a cultural and a traditional thing. I don't think it has anything to do against you as a person as much as it is the culture and where they came from and where they have been.

And secondly- they are the only family in this country (what you said! hehe) and you have to realize its pretty scary here in a place where not very many people look like you yet you came from a place where everyone looked like you. So that could also be some concern.

Third-the lying to his parents has to stop and the realization that his parents put family first has to begin. I'm mostly concerned about that because in my view if he does this to his parents and he begins to resent his parents...what will happen if you do get married and something were to come up? So you may need to talk to him to get him more involved with his parents (sorry I know thats sounding frustraiting)

My suggestion is maybe you could reach out to his parents, not on a "im your sons girlfriend level" but maybe on a cultural level. Try to get to know them on what THEY do what THEY know. Like you said they are very traditional, ask about things in their house (if you go in!) or invite them along on one of your "dates" but don't kiss or anything and maybe take them on a date

I mean basically just try to reach out to them on a level they can understand where they wont see you as the enemy but more as someone who really does care and is really concerned.

I think the lying and the stuff of that nature he is doing really is a bad reflection on you. I mean parents are parents they know he's lying and going to see you, they know good and well and they know the family is being ripped apart so they are blaming you and making you the enemy.

So those are some suggestions.

And you know just to keep on the backburner-I know this may not be something you want to hear but I'm trying to look at this through all angles (SORRY!) but sometimes friends and parents see charactoristics in people your dating that you may not see that could be potentially damaging in the long run. So kind of keep that in mind. And this isn't just saying about him, because you also said that your own friends were trying to pull you apart.....

But if its true love then it will find a way that will be good for all parties involved

Hope this helps hon.

 

[kaliraksha]

Thank you all for the suggestions... I agree that other people see characteristics that you may not notice... his parents... no... because they've only met me like twice and in both instances it was with other friends so it just meet and greet. At first - my friends thought he was immature... and he was at the time... but I saw him the way a lot of people didn't... no one would give him the time of day so I got to know him a little more in depth. His friends trying to pull us apart was because we had been together forever and thought we were too much of a married couple and they wanted him free to have a summer of doing whatever they wanted... and not have to call me or spend time with me.

Yeah the lying bothers me too, and I try to get him to stop or I remind him to call his parents but usually he's so fustrated with them he says no. I can't force him otherwise I end up sounding like them..... blargh.

And Juneplum, dear... I got your PM.... thank you so much!