Rant about "friends"....

[MAC_Pixie04]

Do you ever feel like you have friends and then you have "friends?" By placing the word in quotes, I'm simply indicating that I have no other word for these people...these so called "friends."

Perhaps this is my PMS overreacting, so maybe a few of you can give me some insight, as none of you are involved at all.
My "friend" and I have been "best friends" since 10th grade, which is about 6 years now. So we've been pretty close, tell each other everything and help each other work through issues etc. This past year though my "friend" got herself into another trouble with a "friend" of hers. This "friend" got her hooked on cocaine, and they went partying and drank nearly every night they could. My "friend" kept this from me for months, fearing that I'd be judgemental. I had no idea what was going on. I just sensed she was hanging around some stuck up tramp who was bad news (and I was right.). When the parents of the stuck up coke-supplier found out what she was up to, they immediately shipped her off to Spain to live with relatives (I guess they don't have coke or alcohol in Spain?). So my friend was "devastated" that her friend would be leaving. She went into a spiraling depression (cocaine didn't help) and threatened to drive her car off of a beach cliff. Her parents immediately placed her into a rehab center, and that's when everything came out. I tried to be there for her, even though I was SO pissed at her for making such a stupid decision, but I stood by her, I didn't judge her and I tried to be the best possible friend I could, even though I couldn't empathize with her situation, as I've never been a drug addict or alcoholic.
So a few months go by and we all thought my "friend" was going to her outpatient program and behaving herself and staying out of trouble...well, not exactly. She had a major relapse and ended up back in rehab. Now this time I got really pissed, and any good friend would. But I kept that to myself and again, just kept being supportive and non judgemental (as I possibly could).
So now she's doing well, she goes to two rehab programs, one of which is through her church. So good for her. I'm proud that she's attempting to take the necessary steps to get herself back on track.
Flash forward to my current annoyance....
Some friends(this one included), my boyfriend and I have been planning to go to Disneyland next weekend for my 20th birthday. It'll be the first time in a really long time that we all can take some time off, hang out, have some good old fashion fun. The hotel room has been booked, the tickets have been paid for, and the details are constantly being worked over so that we're all on the same page. So early this morning while I'm in class I get a text message that says "My parents and my rehab counselor don't think it's a good idea for me to go to Disneyland because it's on a Saturday. They don't want me to miss a rehab meeting. I'm already going to miss two next month when I go to Las Vegas for my 21st...Sorry =("
I'm glad she's going to rehab and everything, and I would never ask an addict to skip a meeting, because God knows they need to go to every single one they can. But I think the whole schpeal about it being her parents and counselors idea is a load of bull. What parent would discourage their daughter to skip one session of rehab to go to Disneyland (Where she would not be able to get her hands on any drugs or alcohol whatsoever...) but then be perfectly okay with her skipping TWO to spend time in Sin City, where alcohol and drugs and temptation would be in abundance? I dunno about anyone else but that just does NOT make sense to me. Maybe it's because I've never been an addict, but if I had been, I'd certainly think Disneyland was a safer bet than Vegas. And I'm really bummed about it. I'm more hurt than anything, because I sacrificed a lot of time to be there for her when she was going through what she was going through. I tried my hardest to be a positive influence when there wasn't one to be found. I picked her drunken passed out ass up from parties so that her mother wouldn't choke her to death upon finding out what she'd been up to. And after all of that, I get ditched. And maybe it's a little selfish of me to want her to skip just one meeting and help me celebrate what should be a really happy day for me, but honestly, if you're gonna call someone a "best friend," at least TRY to act like it. There are other sessions during the week. What's wrong with going to rehab the friday before instead of a house party to make up for it?
I just feel like I give a lot to people and don't get shit back in return. And I'm conflicted, because yeah, I should be glad that she's gonna go to rehab and everything, but the whole excuse was just really lame. And I can't help but be a little pissed off about it.

 

[Hawkeye]

honestly, this is my honest opinion, your friend is an addict and there is nobody that can help her except herself at this point.

You can stand by her and be the best friend you can etc but it's too late now. There is no turning back unless she decides it is time.

I don't want you to drop her but I want you to know that right now, she's not going to be able to be the person you knew. She can't be depended on, and she really can't be trusted. In a way it may be a good thing she isn't going because who knows what she would do there- and trust me if there is a will there is ALWAYS a way.

I know what you are going through- I really do. In college I had a friend just like that and it took me so long to realize that the person I once knew- was no longer in control- a new person was in control- and anything they told me- it wasn't the person I knew it was the addiction talking.

But you know- there comes a point when you have to really "face" yourself and determine if it's really worth going through this or if it's really one of those things that you have to give some major tough love to and tell her, " Look, I'll be here if you need me - no your addiction but YOU if YOU need me, I'll be here but until then I'm sorry."

And just be there for her family and let her go. That's the hardest thing to do but sometimes that's the only thing to do.

And I know it sounds harsh. When it happened to my friend I had to tell her that- that I wasn't going to let her and her addiction screw me over and then when she finally crashed head on and lost everyone and everything- all her friends left- suddenly she needed help and whats more was she *WANTED* it and that's when I came in and offered help.

Sometimes that's what you have to do. Just step back and let them hit rock bottom and when they truely need the help - just say here I am.

But sweetie- you can't do anything, you can't trust her, you can't think that she is the same person you knew nothing- right now. Because it's not her. It's the addiction. And your strength is very good and I'm proud of you for wanting to be a good influence but she is too far gone to even see it.

 

[MAC_Pixie04]

thats what my boyfriend and my parents said :\

 

[Beauty Mark]

Well, I would try to find out if her parents know about the Vegas trip. That sounds like a relapse waiting to happen. She might hate you for it, but I think it's in her best interest.

I think it's reasonable that she wouldn't want to miss a meeting in general. From what I understand from former addicts I know, keeping a consistent meeting time is crucial. I think it's a fear that if they skip one, it's easy to downward spiral fast and be completely addicted again. My uncle was a drug addict, and he insisted on going to the same meeting every single week for a while. He stills goes weekly unless something major comes up, but- he's also been clean for a decade.

I wouldn't guilt trip her. However, you need to realize she cannot be the kind of friend you want her to be right now. It's sad, and I feel bad for you, but that's just how it is sometimes. I hope some day soon she realizes how awesome you've been and thanks you for it. A lot of addicts get abandoned by those who love them, because it's so difficult being around that.

I hope that you manage to have fun on your birthday, anyway.

 

[MAC_Pixie04]

They know, they're paying for the hotel and three outfits.

And I know it's important for them not to miss one. I'm not upset about her not wanting to miss it, but the fact that she'd be more willing to skip 2 consecutively to go to Vegas. It just makes the whole justification very contradictory.

 

[Beauty Mark]

That's really stupid of her parents, then. Considering her bouts with addiction and how recent they are (and I'm guessing that she's going there without supervision), I think they're all asking for trouble. Even if she doesn't get ahold of coke, alcohol is there.

*sigh. People some days. I can't imagine why they would think that's even a kind of good idea.

 

[Hawkeye]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MAC_Pixie04 thats what my boyfriend and my parents said :\

the people that know you the best and love you the most will tell you the truth.

and honestly- it doesnt seem like her parents are too willing to help her.

Show some tough love- that's what she needs right now because she isn't getting it anywhere else and she has the potential (though I don't think she will because you are a strong woman but just know the potential is there) to drag you down with her. You can't let that happen.

*HUGS* sorry you have to make such a tough choice

 

[MAC_Pixie04]

I think I need a little break from her. She can be really mentally exhausting and it's just not worth it anymore. You're absolutely right; she'll never be the same person she was 6 years ago or even 6 months ago. She'll always be an addict/former addict. I don't mean that with negative connotations, but she'll always have that as a part of her, and it's not something that I've had to deal with or be affected by, so I probably won't ever understand it. And I don't really want to...

 

[macslut]

I think you need a break from her too. Possibly a permenent break. I am not going to say much else as it has already been said but I know it hurts and I am so sorry.

 

[kaliraksha]

I've learned this in the most terrible way recently. The only person you can 100% trust and expect to be there for you is yourself. She is facing her own demons right now, her logic is probably pretty f*ed up right now.

If you realy believe she is a good person she will come around whenever she's ready. Just don't set yourself up for disappointment. You were too good of a friend =)

 

[MAC_Pixie04]

Quote:

Originally Posted by macslut I think you need a break from her too. Possibly a permenent break. I am not going to say much else as it has already been said but I know it hurts and I am so sorry.

Not a permanent break; because then it's not a break, it's like a break up. I'm just really frustrated with her right now, and I can't be supportive like I was anymore, it's exhausting and I'm not getting anything in return. I have my own things to worry about, so until she can get herself together, however long it might take, I prefer to just keep some distance from her right now. I'm still gonna go, and I'm still gonna have a good time. I was just really bothered at the time with a lot of other things, and her lack of consideration for other people just became the icing on my cupcake of stupid things.
In fact, I'm so over it, I've already bought new clothes for that weekend to go up and have fun in lol

Nothing like retail therapy....and income tax returns.

 

[Hawkeye]

amen to that

Run by the mac counter and get yourself some gorgeous lipgloss too

 

[..kels*]

i can definitely relate. my best friend of 5 years got into cocaine when we were in grade 12. she experimented with another friend of hers while i was on summer vacation. she lied to me & told me it was a one time thing & she had control over the situation.. she tried to convince me that she wasn't addicted. i was so frustrated & upset because i lost my best friend during a time that we had always talked about/looked forward to - grad. i tried to be there for her through it but it was so hard & she just wouldn't listen to my advice. she was tiny to begin with (5'2 & 100ish lbs) so it was really noticeable when she lost weight from doing the coke. everyone came to me with questions about what was going on with her & they assumed i was into cocaine too. yet another reason to be pissed/frustrated with her.. I had to fight to keep my friends because of what SHE was doing. she never went to rehab for her problem. her b/f was the one to finally get her to kick her addiction. he told her she could either have him or the cocaine. she's been off of it for almost a year now.. but she isn't the same girl anymore at all. she's scatter-brained now & it's really apparent that she's an ex-user. she always tells me how much she regrets it & how sorry she is that she basically ruined our graduation year. little too late though, right?
i'm sorry that you have to go through this. you deserve a LOT of credit for staying by her side & helping her through it. i know how hard it is to get past being angry & disappointed with them. & it takes a lot of patience & understanding to help someone in a situation like this. so props to you for being so strong! & about the birthday situation, yeh, i'd be pissed off too. after all you've done for her you'd hope the least she could do is celebrate your 20th with you.. but think of it this way.. as much as her excuse is really really shitty considering she's skipping 2 meetings to go to vegas, if she manages to make it to the majority of her other meetings she'll hopefully recover faster & be there for you on your 21st. i hope things work out for the both of you & you're still able to be friends. i'm sure you'll have a fabulous time in disneyland!!!! & happy early 20th birthday!

 

[MAC_Pixie04]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hawkeye amen to that Run by the mac counter and get yourself some gorgeous lipgloss too

I can't! I have to wait. I'm fighting so hard not to drive over there cuz it's not even 5 minutes away to the nearest freestanding store. But my boyfriend is taking me shopping at Mission Viejo mall on the way to Disneyland, so I gotta hold onto my moneys until then!