urbanlilyfairy
Well-known member
Hi...I just need to type .... I apoligize for typos and misused punctuation ...i have had an emotional day, month, year .... this is long ...i don't blame you if you don't read all of it or any ..i just need to type ..sorry in advanced...
JAN 25th ... my dad should have been 55. Instead of calling home and wishing him a happy birthday ...i'm here alone in this cold house with tears in my eyes ...trying really hard to not go insane.
It's actually JAN 26th here im 7 hours ahead of most of you in the states ...its 4 am ...my hubby has just gone to work ...we didn't talk much yesterday ..when he came home about 4:30 pm he went straight to sleep ..he had a bad day ..was super tired ...so he went to bed without supper ...and he didn't wake up until 3 am ... I made him breakfast ...he was very appreciative ...we sit down to eat .. before I tell him that yesterday was my dad's bday ...he says hunny ... i got bad news .... im like ok just say it ...he says ...
My leave got denied ..im like damn that sucks ..My mom is coming to visit us at the end of FEb..but now he won't get any leave ..so we will be limited on sight seeing to his days offs ..she is here for 20 days ... he works 6 days on 3 off 12 hour shifts =/ ... not having leave is the suck.
Before I could say anything besides man that sucks ..he goes and theres more ..im like omg what ..he says ...I got confirmation ...im going "down range" in august ...=( ...nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
that means ...my husband will be sent away in a few months for I hope only 6 months ..we dont' have official word on how long this deployment will be. We just know he is going ..and where he is going ....
So yeah ... we just moved to Italy ..we haven't been here 6 months ... we arrived on sept 5 of this past year ..only to head back to the states approx 11 days laters .... why you ask ..well ...we got here ..we were fascinated with alll the new sites, language, base, looking for a house ..we find a house in record time ..move into house ..get furniture delivered .. sleep in house ..literally about 30 hours of occupying new house ... bad news.
my hubby went to base while i unpacked ..as he is leaving his squadron ..someone he comes out to the car ..and is like are you SGT Castro ..he is like yeah ..he is like you need to go to the flight chiefs office asap.
He goes ...sits down ..and is asked do you know a Jennifer Vondenstein .... he is like umh no ...have no idea who that is .. the flight chief is like umh are you sure ... he is like yeah ... he goes your wife is named Doris yes ...he is like yes... ok well this person says she is her cousin ...then it dawns on him ..yes oh yeah she does have a cousing named jenn.. She used the Red cross ..to find us here in Italy ..the flight Chief was relaying the red cross message the base recieved pertaining to us)
He calls me ..he says hunny where are you ..im like im in the house ..unpacking doh ...he goes ok ill be there soon ... i love you.
I think that was weird ..he called to ask where I was ..when he just left me in the house unpacking ..knowing I don't speak italian ...and umh it's a new country ..of course im in the house right ...
so i start to thinking ..im a worrier by nature ... I pace ...i rack my brain ..then about 5 mins later ...I get a horrible feeling ..and a sudden urge to talk to my mom... Like I have to talk to my mom...
we don't have a phone ...as we just moved into our house ...I don't even know how to dial out ...but I do have a cell phone and a calling card from the states ..maybe ill try ...
the cell phone worked amazingly ..i had no idea it had global capabillities since it was a cheapo pay as you go phone... I try using the card ..it doesnt work ...im like i dont care i need to talk to my mom now .... so i use my credit card to place a call ( by the way don't do that they charge you like 30 dollars for 2 mins ) omg..
so I call home ....my mom anwsers ..her voice is shaky ..before I can say anything she hands the phone to my brother ...he says doris ..Im like omg whats going on .... he says ..where is william ...Im like he is not here ... why ..he says william should be home soon ... im like ok anwser my question ..what is going on ..he says I can't tell you right now ..IM OMFG aldkjgalgjalsgj where is my dad ! screaming into the phone ... i don't know why but something told me ... my dad was not ok..... My brother then is like ok i can't lie to you ..im sorry you are by yourself ...we really wanted william to tell you ...how did you know ..im like i don't know ..i just know i need to know something so just tell me please ...
He says... Monday...dad had an accident ...it is wensday morning ...Im like what on Monday ..wth ..why didn't yall try to get in touch on Monday ..? he says ...cuz we thought he would get better ... ( they waited until tuesday to figure our how to get in touch with us ..we didnt have a number yet ..i had last spoken to them the previous Friday ...they got in touch with us ..through the Red Cross ..Thank you Red Cross)
ok so at this point ..My dad had an accident on Monday...he fell ...hit his head ..passed out ..had a heart attack ..and arrived at the hospital on life support on monday ...(this was a result of alcohol poisoning ..that is another long long book ..i don't wish to type about atm)
I got to New Orleans around 12 am on Thursday .... the whole time on the plane and in the airports ..I couldn't look at older men ...I would just start balling at any man that resembled my dad or any old gray haired man ..because I kept thinking ..Im never going to see my dad grow old...
my husband tried to give me hope ...telling me he would be ok ..he would make it through ...but from the moment I found out ..somehow I knew ..that I would never see my dad alive again.
I got to the hospital ..I find my way to ICU ..I pass the ICU waiting room and see a sea of familiar faces ...I poke my head in ..and its like someone put a spotlight on me .... I saw uncles, aunts, cousins, my dads coworkers, everyone , babies, kids, people I hadn't seen in years ...I immediately turn around ..and someone hugs me ...I don't remeber who ..all i say is where is my mom.....
Everyone was basically waiting for me to arrive ...the whole ICU staff knew I had just arrived from Italy.
I find the room... I can see my father laying there out of the corner of my eye ...I couldn't bring myself to look at him fully...I look at the faces of my mother and brother ... and I realized that I ..the youngest ..the baby of the family ....am going to have to pull it together for them.
As soon as I walked in that cold room..and touched my dads hand..looked at his face ... watched him sleep ... I knew there was absolutely no hope. I just knew ...It felt as though this man ..whom I love ..who has been my protector ..the strongest and gentlest of all men I knew ...was no longer there ..he was no longer the strongest...he was gone... he wasn't there...too me ...and I have never said this out loud ... it was just a body ...it wasn't my dad.
My mom and bro ..still had hope ...they told me so ..they said ..he moved his leg this morning .... I didn't know what to say ...I wanted to yell ..I wanted to make them realize that there was no hope.
Many hours of crying, consoling, repeating I can't believe this is happening... by this time My dad had been in a comma since Monday ..it was now Friday. I learned that he had been brain dead from the moment the ambulance picked him up. That the doctors had done their best ...they go his organs and body working ..but the most important thing wasn't ..his brain was dead.
A decision had to be made. No one was ready to make it. Realistically I knew that we could not stay in this limbo for much longer ..i had only been here like 2 full days ...and felt that I could not handle this much longer.
Watching your mom breakdown every few mins ...while trying to lay next to my dad in his hospital bed ..was just killing me... when i tried to talk to my bro and my mom about what we needed to talk about ..they avoided it ...they did not want to make the decision ..no one did ..I didn't ..but I knew that for the well being ..of my moms, my bro, myslef emotional and mental health ...we had to quickly come to terms and let my dad rest at peace.
We as a family came to the decision it was time to let my dad rest.
It happend on Saturday the 27th ..it took a couple of mins for my dad to completely pass...you think when they turn the machines off ..it would be instant ..but it's not.... his chest was still beating for a few mins ..it continued to beat less and less over the mins... those dreaded machines began to beeppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp...like that ...that one constant beep you hear in the movies ....I was standing right next to that thing and I instantly smashed the front of it and turned it off.
I was silent until I saw that last movement in his chest ...when it was no longer moving ...it was my moment of release ....I don't know if before I didn't cry because there were so many people around us ... I was trying to be strong for my mom and bro ...they were already constantly grieving ...I did not want to add to it ...so I held it back...everyone was saying how strong I was ...not to me ..but to my husband ...
There was lots of family in that room ..when he was passing ...and I didn't care ..i just let it all out ...and I had a hard time stopping ..it was like the more I cried ..the more my body shook ..the better it felt ...but the more it made me cry .... I nearly passed out from the exertion ...I realized I was not the only one in there ...i saw my mom and brother huddled together and holding eachother ....
I was on the other side of the hospital bed ....I felt alone ...I felt like I killed my dad ....I came in here with no hope ... I convinced them to let him go ...it's all my fault ...I didn't even give my dad chance .... why was i so cold hearted ..what did i do ...
I wished it all to go away ...i just wanted to hug my dad and sleep.
we had a funeral ....i didn't really cry ....I kept asking myself why am I not crying ..I loved my dad ..waht is wrong with me ....
I spent a month at home ...my mom cried all the time ..I only recall crying once at night the day of the funeral ..just before I fell asleep ..i just cried while my husband held me ...
.................I have struggled with these feelings for weeks ...I feel really guilty .... I miss my dad .... I get angry easily .... I noticed I have less patience with my puppy...
I do cry now ....I cry all the time ....lots of thing trigger my crying episodes .... but right now ...after typing all of this ....I don't feel like crying ..and that feels kind of good.
SO if you read all of this ...Thank you for listening.
JAN 25th ... my dad should have been 55. Instead of calling home and wishing him a happy birthday ...i'm here alone in this cold house with tears in my eyes ...trying really hard to not go insane.
It's actually JAN 26th here im 7 hours ahead of most of you in the states ...its 4 am ...my hubby has just gone to work ...we didn't talk much yesterday ..when he came home about 4:30 pm he went straight to sleep ..he had a bad day ..was super tired ...so he went to bed without supper ...and he didn't wake up until 3 am ... I made him breakfast ...he was very appreciative ...we sit down to eat .. before I tell him that yesterday was my dad's bday ...he says hunny ... i got bad news .... im like ok just say it ...he says ...
My leave got denied ..im like damn that sucks ..My mom is coming to visit us at the end of FEb..but now he won't get any leave ..so we will be limited on sight seeing to his days offs ..she is here for 20 days ... he works 6 days on 3 off 12 hour shifts =/ ... not having leave is the suck.
Before I could say anything besides man that sucks ..he goes and theres more ..im like omg what ..he says ...I got confirmation ...im going "down range" in august ...=( ...nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
that means ...my husband will be sent away in a few months for I hope only 6 months ..we dont' have official word on how long this deployment will be. We just know he is going ..and where he is going ....
So yeah ... we just moved to Italy ..we haven't been here 6 months ... we arrived on sept 5 of this past year ..only to head back to the states approx 11 days laters .... why you ask ..well ...we got here ..we were fascinated with alll the new sites, language, base, looking for a house ..we find a house in record time ..move into house ..get furniture delivered .. sleep in house ..literally about 30 hours of occupying new house ... bad news.
my hubby went to base while i unpacked ..as he is leaving his squadron ..someone he comes out to the car ..and is like are you SGT Castro ..he is like yeah ..he is like you need to go to the flight chiefs office asap.
He goes ...sits down ..and is asked do you know a Jennifer Vondenstein .... he is like umh no ...have no idea who that is .. the flight chief is like umh are you sure ... he is like yeah ... he goes your wife is named Doris yes ...he is like yes... ok well this person says she is her cousin ...then it dawns on him ..yes oh yeah she does have a cousing named jenn.. She used the Red cross ..to find us here in Italy ..the flight Chief was relaying the red cross message the base recieved pertaining to us)
He calls me ..he says hunny where are you ..im like im in the house ..unpacking doh ...he goes ok ill be there soon ... i love you.
I think that was weird ..he called to ask where I was ..when he just left me in the house unpacking ..knowing I don't speak italian ...and umh it's a new country ..of course im in the house right ...
so i start to thinking ..im a worrier by nature ... I pace ...i rack my brain ..then about 5 mins later ...I get a horrible feeling ..and a sudden urge to talk to my mom... Like I have to talk to my mom...
we don't have a phone ...as we just moved into our house ...I don't even know how to dial out ...but I do have a cell phone and a calling card from the states ..maybe ill try ...
the cell phone worked amazingly ..i had no idea it had global capabillities since it was a cheapo pay as you go phone... I try using the card ..it doesnt work ...im like i dont care i need to talk to my mom now .... so i use my credit card to place a call ( by the way don't do that they charge you like 30 dollars for 2 mins ) omg..
so I call home ....my mom anwsers ..her voice is shaky ..before I can say anything she hands the phone to my brother ...he says doris ..Im like omg whats going on .... he says ..where is william ...Im like he is not here ... why ..he says william should be home soon ... im like ok anwser my question ..what is going on ..he says I can't tell you right now ..IM OMFG aldkjgalgjalsgj where is my dad ! screaming into the phone ... i don't know why but something told me ... my dad was not ok..... My brother then is like ok i can't lie to you ..im sorry you are by yourself ...we really wanted william to tell you ...how did you know ..im like i don't know ..i just know i need to know something so just tell me please ...
He says... Monday...dad had an accident ...it is wensday morning ...Im like what on Monday ..wth ..why didn't yall try to get in touch on Monday ..? he says ...cuz we thought he would get better ... ( they waited until tuesday to figure our how to get in touch with us ..we didnt have a number yet ..i had last spoken to them the previous Friday ...they got in touch with us ..through the Red Cross ..Thank you Red Cross)
ok so at this point ..My dad had an accident on Monday...he fell ...hit his head ..passed out ..had a heart attack ..and arrived at the hospital on life support on monday ...(this was a result of alcohol poisoning ..that is another long long book ..i don't wish to type about atm)
I got to New Orleans around 12 am on Thursday .... the whole time on the plane and in the airports ..I couldn't look at older men ...I would just start balling at any man that resembled my dad or any old gray haired man ..because I kept thinking ..Im never going to see my dad grow old...
my husband tried to give me hope ...telling me he would be ok ..he would make it through ...but from the moment I found out ..somehow I knew ..that I would never see my dad alive again.
I got to the hospital ..I find my way to ICU ..I pass the ICU waiting room and see a sea of familiar faces ...I poke my head in ..and its like someone put a spotlight on me .... I saw uncles, aunts, cousins, my dads coworkers, everyone , babies, kids, people I hadn't seen in years ...I immediately turn around ..and someone hugs me ...I don't remeber who ..all i say is where is my mom.....
Everyone was basically waiting for me to arrive ...the whole ICU staff knew I had just arrived from Italy.
I find the room... I can see my father laying there out of the corner of my eye ...I couldn't bring myself to look at him fully...I look at the faces of my mother and brother ... and I realized that I ..the youngest ..the baby of the family ....am going to have to pull it together for them.
As soon as I walked in that cold room..and touched my dads hand..looked at his face ... watched him sleep ... I knew there was absolutely no hope. I just knew ...It felt as though this man ..whom I love ..who has been my protector ..the strongest and gentlest of all men I knew ...was no longer there ..he was no longer the strongest...he was gone... he wasn't there...too me ...and I have never said this out loud ... it was just a body ...it wasn't my dad.
My mom and bro ..still had hope ...they told me so ..they said ..he moved his leg this morning .... I didn't know what to say ...I wanted to yell ..I wanted to make them realize that there was no hope.
Many hours of crying, consoling, repeating I can't believe this is happening... by this time My dad had been in a comma since Monday ..it was now Friday. I learned that he had been brain dead from the moment the ambulance picked him up. That the doctors had done their best ...they go his organs and body working ..but the most important thing wasn't ..his brain was dead.
A decision had to be made. No one was ready to make it. Realistically I knew that we could not stay in this limbo for much longer ..i had only been here like 2 full days ...and felt that I could not handle this much longer.
Watching your mom breakdown every few mins ...while trying to lay next to my dad in his hospital bed ..was just killing me... when i tried to talk to my bro and my mom about what we needed to talk about ..they avoided it ...they did not want to make the decision ..no one did ..I didn't ..but I knew that for the well being ..of my moms, my bro, myslef emotional and mental health ...we had to quickly come to terms and let my dad rest at peace.
We as a family came to the decision it was time to let my dad rest.
It happend on Saturday the 27th ..it took a couple of mins for my dad to completely pass...you think when they turn the machines off ..it would be instant ..but it's not.... his chest was still beating for a few mins ..it continued to beat less and less over the mins... those dreaded machines began to beeppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp...like that ...that one constant beep you hear in the movies ....I was standing right next to that thing and I instantly smashed the front of it and turned it off.
I was silent until I saw that last movement in his chest ...when it was no longer moving ...it was my moment of release ....I don't know if before I didn't cry because there were so many people around us ... I was trying to be strong for my mom and bro ...they were already constantly grieving ...I did not want to add to it ...so I held it back...everyone was saying how strong I was ...not to me ..but to my husband ...
There was lots of family in that room ..when he was passing ...and I didn't care ..i just let it all out ...and I had a hard time stopping ..it was like the more I cried ..the more my body shook ..the better it felt ...but the more it made me cry .... I nearly passed out from the exertion ...I realized I was not the only one in there ...i saw my mom and brother huddled together and holding eachother ....
I was on the other side of the hospital bed ....I felt alone ...I felt like I killed my dad ....I came in here with no hope ... I convinced them to let him go ...it's all my fault ...I didn't even give my dad chance .... why was i so cold hearted ..what did i do ...
I wished it all to go away ...i just wanted to hug my dad and sleep.
we had a funeral ....i didn't really cry ....I kept asking myself why am I not crying ..I loved my dad ..waht is wrong with me ....
I spent a month at home ...my mom cried all the time ..I only recall crying once at night the day of the funeral ..just before I fell asleep ..i just cried while my husband held me ...
.................I have struggled with these feelings for weeks ...I feel really guilty .... I miss my dad .... I get angry easily .... I noticed I have less patience with my puppy...
I do cry now ....I cry all the time ....lots of thing trigger my crying episodes .... but right now ...after typing all of this ....I don't feel like crying ..and that feels kind of good.
SO if you read all of this ...Thank you for listening.
