Small fights frequently or huge fights sporadically?

[MAC_Pixie04]

My friend and I were trying to establish which is worse: being in a relationship and constantly fighting, or getting along consistently and having blowouts months and months apart?

She argues that having little arguments frequently is healthier; her logic is that you don't feel as bad during a minor argument as you do after a huge fight. I think that it's a little bit better of a relationship if the majority of your time is spent getting along.

I think arguing is healthy; but if you're arguing over pizza toppings to the point where one of you sleeps in the other room and then you're contemplating breaking up, then you make up for maybe 2 days, and in 3 days doing the same thing over and over again, you've got more unresolved issues than pizza toppings. She and her boyfriend fight constantly, but it's dumb catty bickering, it's ridiculous fighting. Cussing, late night crying, sleeping in separate bedrooms, her having to come and stay with me because he put her out in the middle of the night for coming home later than she'd said, or him moving out for a week because she verbalized that she didn't like his bday gift to her....things like that. To her, that's "healthy" because they don't "stay mad."

Not to put myself in a superior position, but in the six months we've been together, my boyfriend and I have had 2 major fights, both being maturely resolved within 12 hours of the argument. And I can count the number of minor arguments we've had on one hand. And I personally think that's a pretty decent relationship to be in; of course in a perfect world we'd never argue! but nothings perfect, no matter how hard we try.

So which do you think is more healthy/desirable? Being in a relationship with sporadic HUGE fights or in a relationship with constant little fights?

 

[Indigowaters]

I would prefer smaller little insignificant arguments. But I really think it's all in how you handle it in the end. If you break up over something big or small, that's not the problem. The real problem is not respecting each other enough to hear the other's side so that it doesn't have to "go there". JMO.

 

[lara]

We get along consistantly and fight irregularly. Our fights are usually pretty weak as well - one irritates the other, we don't talk to each other for a day and then it settles back down again. We're good at (eventually) talking things out, and it's always at the back of our mind that he's an emergency charge and can be away on ships for weeks at a time with little or no prior notice - it pays not to go to bed angry when he might not be there in the morning.

People who deliberately pick at their partners and cause small fights just to keep a constant low-level series of arguments going confound me. How exactly is being a shrew going to keep your relationship healthy?

 

[MAC_Pixie04]

Quote:

Originally Posted by lara We get along consistantly and fight irregularly. Our fights are usually pretty weak as well - one irritates the other, we don't talk to each other for a day and then it settles back down again. We're good at (eventually) talking things out, and it's always at the back of our mind that he's an emergency charge and can be away on ships for weeks at a time with little or no prior notice - it pays not to go to bed angry when he might not be there in the morning. People who deliberately pick at their partners and cause small fights just to keep a constant low-level series of arguments going confound me. How exactly is being a shrew going to keep your relationship healthy?

Thats how i feel about it. I mean if you're constantly fighting over the dumbest things over and over, how can that possibly be healthy? My boyfriend and I have argued twice over things that were pretty significant in comparison to what some may fight about. The first time he did something disrespectful to me and used a poor choice of words in front of a group of his friends and I was embarrassed. We argued for a good 15 minutes, I went home and left him alone to think about it and what he needed to do. The next morning he apologized, we worked it out, and we hadn't argued again until last night. last night we argued because he took my car to go hang out with friends, even though he told me he was using my car to get a haircut and go to the bank. because he went out with his friends, he didn't come bring my lunch on my lunch hour and hungry+pissed=argument. 10 Minutes after the fight, he realized his mistake and apologized. We talked about why it wasn't okay and he realized that what he did really hurt me. We're okay now.

My friend and her boyfriend fight over their TiVo box all the time, to the point where she's in tears and he's thrown something of hers out the window....and yet, she finds it healthy....how?!

 

[Beauty Mark]

If they're small fights that are treated like small fights (no one cries, it doesn't last very long), I'd prefer them over huge fights. For me, huge fights are more often over things that could easily terminate the relationship. I'm not the type to give up easily, but there are issues that have appeared in my life that have ended the friendship/relationship. The huge fight is usually a result of small argument, like pointing that I think there's a lack of respect, the other party promising to change, and there is no change.

Your friend isn't in a healthy situation. It's pretty f'ed up, and she ought to consider getting her and her boyfriend some help.

 

[MiCHiE]

I don't think the amount of fights is the important thing, it's what you find yourself fighting about. If it's something like, "I asked for no mayo and your stupid ass didn't check the sandwich!!", there are obviously more issues than you not liking mayo/eggs/whatever. In our dreams, we don't want the drama, but it happens anyway...When things get to the point where it's just blatant disrespect and other living arrangements have to be made, it's time to evaluate the relationship. That's not love and it damn sure ain't healthy, IMO.

 

[little teaser]

i guess i would have to agree with you i dont think it's healthy to always be bickering no matter how big or small it is if two people always argue over little things then some thing is wrong either with the relationship or there self me and my husband hardly ever fight and when we do it's over something more serious then he got the mayo wrong people make mistakes but if you dont learn and keep doing them over and over then theres a problem but like i said every ones diffrent and couples on how they handel things what works for you may not for your friend i guess thats what makes the world intresting and unique but from what you say about her there lil fights arent so little if there breaking up sleeping on the couch and he is kicking her out it sounds more like there haveing big fights often which really is a sighn for her to check herself or her relationship

 

[little teaser]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ♥MiCHiE♥ I don't think the amount of fights is the important thing, it's what you find yourself fighting about. If it's something like, "I asked for no mayo and your stupid ass didn't check the sandwich!!", there are obviously more issues than you not liking mayo/eggs/whatever. In our dreams, we don't want the drama, but it happens anyway...When things get to the point where it's just blatant disrespect and other living arrangements have to be made, it's time to evaluate the relationship. That's not love and it damn sure ain't healthy, IMO.

you took the words right out of my mouth i totally agree!!

 

[ohhhhhthehorror]

An old roommate of mine used to tell me that she LIKED having drama with her boyfriend. She would cause fights and arguements on purpose just to see how far she could push him. To me that's crazy! Why would you WANT problems? It just doesn't make any sense to me, but hey, it's not my relationship to deal with.

 

[MAC_Pixie04]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ohhhhhthehorror An old roommate of mine used to tell me that she LIKED having drama with her boyfriend. She would cause fights and arguements on purpose just to see how far she could push him. To me that's crazy! Why would you WANT problems? It just doesn't make any sense to me, but hey, it's not my relationship to deal with.

That's quite disturbing; i HATE to fight with my boyfriend. I'd rather fight with my mother; because she's my mother for life and we'll get over it. A fight with my boyfriend could be the end of us. I know some girls who fight for the attention. Their boyfriends/husbands don't pay them any attention unless it's negative attention, and i think that's really sad.

 

[NutMeg]

I don't think it's so much the frequency or the size of the fight so much as what it accomplishes. If you're communicating and working through problems, then I don't think fights are a bad thing. If they don't accomplish anything but hurting one or both of you, they are destructive regardless of how often or how big. My boyfriend and I only have big fights, but they always happen when we're approaching a new problem and we need to fix it. And it always gets fixed and we're closer afterwards.

 

[macface]

I Rather Have Small Fights.

 

[litlaur]

My fiance and I aren't always super-lovey, but we generally get along most of the time, with the occasional blowout.

We do like to have arguments, though. Not emotional ones, more in the logical/rhetoric sense of the word. Debating rather than bickering. Like discussing a favorite or hated movie, sometimes semantics (I'm a word nerd, and he's just a nerd in general), controversial news...

I will admit, though, I do get onto him about smoking. He's been "quitting" for a few years now, and it's the one thing I feel like I have to nag him about.

 

[Lalli]

id rather have small fights and the resolve them.

me and my bf fought about a pizza last night haha i wanted cheese n mushroom he wanted onions. typical men

 

[Katura]

My last relationship was one constant fight, left me drained and feeling like CRAP. I think that's got to be worse, when you just cant get along or see eye to eye with your SO (Makes me wonder why I was with him!??!...there has to be a good reason somewhere....nope! thats why he's gonnnne)

But with my current boyfriend, who I have been with for a tad over a year, we've had two fights. TWO! within the same week, really funny the first fight was over something he didnt like that I did and the second was me being mad about him not finishing that first little fight. Really funny was that we were outside of a friends house and were there for a good chunk of time going at it (arguing) and then we decide to go back to his place...as soon as we get there we both just decided it wasnt worth it.

So really, I cant think of a time when we've been super duper mad at eachother. Which is a total blessing.

In the long run, I definatly agree that its more about what your fighting about, that you can actually work through the problem, and still be okay in the end.