Small Issue

[user4]

So I have a little issue. I have a friend who I've known since I started college (like 5-6 years now)... and she was always such a great friend. Recently, though, we've been falling apart A LOT. I will take some of the blame for it (even though I don't think I deserve it) but I will. I have been dating my boyfriend for 2 years and she thinks that us kind of going out seperate ways is because of him. Really, it's because she has changed. She has become such a superficial person. It's like she has dreams of living in an episode of Sex and the City. She goes around saying she's this rich girl (even though she still lived with her parents), she thinks she's too good for everyone (all the guys she dates, she calls losers because they aren't at her "level"- yeah... that came from her mouth). So anyway, this past Saturday was her 23rd birthday and I opted on faking a cold and not going to the party. Did this for two reasons: (1) I hate (and thats an understatment) her friends. They are more than fake and she acts so differently when she's around them. (2) Lately she's been saying some things that really piss me off kind of hinting at the fact that I should cheat on my boyfriend. Which I know she would just love because she wants me to be single and miserable like her. About this second thing. About two weeks ago she was telling me that she met this guy who would be "just perfect for me and I have to meet him." I was like, not interested... Her response "but nohemi, he's rich and has a house and a lexus!" (yes, these are the ONLY things that are important to her). I let it slide and pretended it never happened. The other day I was talking to her about a little concern I had with someone I know who might have feeling for me and I don't know what to do because I don't want to cut off our friendship, and I dont want to ask him because things are going to get awkward, so I was kind of asking her what I should do. She said "I think you should totally go for it, he's hot!"

So am I wrong for now having gone to her party? And if I'm not, then why do I feel guilty? Should I have just told her why I didn't go instead of lying? I guess I didnt wanna start anything on her birthday? Should I still talk to her? But then she'll know that I lied... Can you guys help me out her... I know A LOT to read... sorry

 

[midnightlouise]

Gosh, that's a pretty sticky situation. If it was me I think I would tell her how I felt. (However, I probably wouldn't mention the party, telling the truth now can really serve no other purpose than to get her mad at you for faking. Just resolve to not do it again lol!) But there's nothing wrong with telling her you feel like you two have grown apart, and that you're happy with your boyfriend and your life, and you just don't feel comfortable hanging out with her like you used to. She's not a friend if she's encouraging you to cheat on your man and ruin a good relationship, and her negativity and materialism are only going to end up making you unhappy.

You're obviously not a shallow person & if shallow things are all she cares about then the friendship will probably die a natural death as long as you stick to your guns. Good luck & ((hugs)) Nohemi!

 

[polobear45]

I totally had the same prob w/ my best friend . She wasnt the same girl I met when were young .She just changed and acting all snotty and thinking she was better than everyone else,and even made some rude comments about our other friends and my own boyfriend . That was so uncalled for !I stopped talking to her and took a bit of time off. This happened in dec 04 and I didnt talk to her until almost feb 05. While I was in New york on vacation she sent an email asking why I was so distant and I called her and said when I get back we can talk ;I told her everything and she actually realized how different she was acting . I told her I need to distance myself abit from her ,so I wouldnt blow up completely and ruin the friendship of 13years . It worked ,now things arent exactly like they were before this happened but I wouldnt want to "not " ever have her in my life . I couldnt write all that happened but hopefully this can help a bit . Good luck .

 

[user4]

HA, funny you should say that. We went through that already about a year and a half ago. I stopped talking to her. She would write me, txt me, call me and I always had an excuse to not talk. Finally she kinda told me that she didnt want to be in a one sided friendship. We didnt talk for about 4-5 months and then one day we saw eachother in the street in school, had some coffe, and talked for like 3 hours. We went through everything and she told me she didnt see the changes and that I had changed because I didnt like to go clubbing anymore (that was the big issue)- I didnt enjoy clubbing and getting drunk and high so therefore I was a completly different person. So I figured things werent gonna change much and I see her about once every 2-3 months and we go to dinner but that's about as much as I can take of her. I dont even know if this "friendship" is worth saving...

 

[polobear45]

Quote:

Originally Posted by sxychika1014 I didnt enjoy clubbing and getting drunk and high so therefore I was a completly different person....

That was part of my problem with my friend. Especially the drinking part ,then I would always have to drive home ,because I wasnt piss ass drunk . She was hanging with a totally diff crowd ,I just said wasnt comfortable and let her be . After she got tired of it and when she had a big problem ,all of sudden she was looking for me to console/help her (and her other little friends were no were to be found ). But when she doesnt even acknowledgethat you are happy w/ ur man and dont need to hook up with someone else ,thats just evil .
I could never do that to someone ,because I wouldnt want it done to me .
I say talk it over and work it out only if you feel its worth it . If not enjoy life w/o negativity.

 

[kimmy]

i'm kind of having the same problem with my best. it's hard to deal with it, because like...you've been friends for so long it's just become like a habit to have them around and everything.

but if i were you, i'd tell her the real reason you didn't go. and if she decides to break the friendship off then, that's her loss. you don't need someone whispering in your ear to do things you don't want to do, like cheat on your boyfriend. you deserve better friends than that.

i'd say that it's not worth saving. because if she thinks that a person changing is a bad thing, that's a problem. people change, and the people they're surrounded by need to either adapt to it or leave it.

i hope you figure this out and everything goes off without any hurt feelings <3 good luck :]

 

[n_j_t]

Well, here are my two cents.

It wasn't the best way to get out of going to the birthday, but I don't think you should beat yourself up over it.

I think that confrontation should be considered only if you're interested in saving the friendship. If you're not (and it seems like you're not), then I would just let it die its "natural death." Not returning phone calls, being busy all the time, not having time to make plans--these are clear indications that one or both people aren't into the friendship any longer. Telling her why you don't want to continue the friendship will only lead to arguments and hurt feelings, which are useless if they don't lead to reconciliation.

There are toxic people who have always been that way, and there are those who become toxic. Either way, they need to be out, out, out of your life. It's far too short to be bogged down by negativity. Some relationships grow together; some grow apart. It sucks, but that's just the way it goes. And it sounds like you'll be better off without her!

 

[mspixieears]

Quote:

Originally Posted by n_j_t There are toxic people who have always been that way, and there are those who become toxic. Either way, they need to be out, out, out of your life. It's far too short to be bogged down by negativity. Some relationships grow together; some grow apart. It sucks, but that's just the way it goes. And it sounds like you'll be better off without her!

Your two cents are worth pounds.

You've got to give it to her honestly. It does suck, but it's causing you anguish. It sounds like she nearly insults some of the values you hold dear, to perhaps boost her sense of being right.

Some toxic friends are just not salvageable; it doesn't sound like she's going to wake up anytime soon and give you the freedom to be comfortable with your ideals and continue to be friends with her. It seems either one way or the other, though this could change in later years. In the meantime, you stick to the people who love you for who you are, and love 'em right back.

To end on a funnier note, I do sometimes admit to daydreaming about having the SATC life. Don't we all at one stage, just for a second or two???

 

[MACgirl]

omg we all must be gonig thru this in slightly diff ways!
I have been bestfriends with me bestfirend for 4 years now, we started highschool together (met the first day) and have been inserparable untill now i moved farther than what i lived from her, and i have been with my fiance for two years now. It seems whe n imet him we started to drift apart VERY slowly. We talk every now and then and stuff, and if we dotn for a week or so we call each other and its like we spoke everyday, i think about how good we had it when we were single together and went out and female empowerment stuff, and it was so much fun but we both have changed and matured, i guess we grew up. What made us laugh 4 years ago isnt so funny now, what we hated then can be our oen love now...tiem let us grow apart but remain together at the same time. Sorry if im rambling, but sxychica i really think u shoudl tell her how u feel, mayeb she's acting that way cuz she doesnt feel she's acting a certian way, point it out. Just realise that people change, times change and even you change but we all have to. Some times we let go of things but we have a hard time letting go of things we have had memories with, good luck to whatever you do i know your a smart beautiful woman and will make the best deiscion for your current life....and as always were here for you!

 

[user4]

Thanks so much guys... I think you're all right but something MACgirl said kinda hit it right on point. I feel like I'm not holding on to a friendship any longer but to memories of a friendship that was. I feel like she was there for me all these years and I was there for her when she had all these problems. Getting out of bed at 4 in the morn cause she doesnt know where she is (college/drunkard stuff lol) and we did all these things for eachother... and I feel like somehow I owe her more than just giving up. But I've been trying so hard for like 2 years to adapt to her changes and I'm just so tired of faking that everything is ok.