So, he drinks a bit too much.

[MAC_Pixie04]

My boyfriend is an alcoholic. I've accepted that he needs help (which he's getting) and he's finally able to admit that he's got a problem and knows that he's going to lose everything that's important to him if he doesn't work at it. We're taking it one step at a time. But he still thinks it's something he can just say will go away and it will. For example, he thinks that being DD will make it so that he can go to bars with his friends but not drink. Well, that doesn't always work, sometimes he'll have a beer or two, and then drive which is not smart. And I've said it over and over, and so have his peer counselors, that for a little while he should stay away from the people he drinks with and away from the places he goes. Well...he won't do that, and we keep arguing about it. He says he doesn't wanna abandon his friends. I say his friends aren't his friends if they watch him get shitfaced then get in his car and go home (which they also do). Quite frankly if one of them got a DUI or killed someone in a car accident, it wouldn't be my problem because none of them are the man I love. If something were to happen to my boyfriend, my world would collapse.

So, I'm trying to find a gentle way to suggest that he goes to other places, like clubs that are 18+ instead of 21+ where they don't serve as much alcohol and there's a limit. If he wants to just socialize, why can't they go there? I mean, his friends can get alcohol, and he won't be completely surrounded by it. He doesn't have self control when it comes to drinking, and he knows that and has admitted to it. It's not that I think he should never ever have a beer again; but he doesn't know how to have one and be social. he's gotta have 10 or 15. A social drinker can have one or two drinks and socialize with other people coherently, and he can't unfortunately.

He won't go to other places, he's hanging out with the same people and going back to the same bars they always go to. I think it's because he's ashamed to tell his friends that he's in treatment because he's young, only 22, and he doesn't think they'll understand his problem. Unfortunately, I'm only 20 so I can't go to the places they go to, and I think even if I did he probably wouldn't want me there. A lot of his friends think I'm a bitch and that I consume his time and I "check up on him." Boo friggin hoo for them, they're all single and probably just bitter that no one wants to check up on them. After things he's put me through, I have every right to call and ask what he's doing, especially to make sure it's not drinking.

The last few times he went out, he was completely sober, which I'm extremely proud of him for. It's not easy to be around your friends and they're pressuring you to join in all the "fun" and rag on you for not drinking/smoking etc whatever's going on. And I know in treatment he may or may not fall off the wagon, it's hard to abstain from drinking when you're barely the legal age and all your friends wanna do is go out and drink. My whole issue with him drinking is doing it irresponsibly. He drives or he gets in the car with someone who's just as drunk as he is. His mom offers him cab money every night that he goes out and he gets offended like she's accusing him, when she's really just being a cautious mom. She and I have both told him time and time again that if he's somewhere drunk to call and either of us will come and get him no questions asked. He won't call because he thinks we'll get mad. Then I get twice as mad when I find out he drove home drunk and didn't call me to pick him up.

It's been about a week and a half that he's been completely sober, and he's in peer counseling every other day. It's a big step for him, because I know now he knows he can't do this by himself and nobody in his life is in the capacity to treat him for alcoholism. I'm not a doctor and neither is his mom or any of his drunk friends.

In about two months I'm gonna be old enough to start going out, and my friends already have big plans to take me out to places that I previously couldn't go to. I want him to be able to come and hang out with us, but I'd feel really bad partying with my friends in front of him, because I think he'd feel like I was rubbing it in or being a hypocrite. I wouldn't get drunk, even though I go to house parties, I don't ever get drunk. I've been drunk twice in my life and I hated it. I like being coherent and understanding what I'm saying and what's being said around me. So I most likely wouldn't be drunk around him, but I think taking him to a club and drinking alcohol in front of him wouldn't be supportive. But I want him there when I go out for my birthday and I want him there when I go out in mixed groups of friends.

I'm not really sure how to do this. It's like waving a cheesecake in front of someone who's a just started a diet. So far he's doing really well, but like I said it's only been a week and a half, and I can't predict the future. I've already given him the scary threat: drink like that again and wake up a single man. But in reality, I would be a real asshole to abandon him while he's going through something like this.

Heeeellppp??

 

[sharkbytes]

I think you're a wonderful, supportive girlfriend, and honestly, there isn't anything else you can do for him. He's recognized that he needs help, and he's getting it, which is a good thing. But no matter how much you love each other, he does have to do it for himself. You being there for him is a great incentive and I think you're giving him good support.

His friends sound like they don't understand the gravity of the situation, and I don't like to discriminate based on age, but it does seem as though they're young enough that they don't want to be reminded that anything they do could be a problem. I remember in college, a lot of the guys I knew would go out and get hammered every single night, and then laugh hysterically about "being an alcoholic" without understanding that it's an actual problem.

If he is serious about getting sober, sooner or later he'll have to firmly tell them that he's an alcoholic, and that if they're not going to understand that, then he can't hang with them. But as for your birthday (and have an amazing one!) that's a really tricky situation, and it might be very tough for him to sit there. I can't think of a solution other than maybe celebrating twice? Go out with your girlfriends, and then have another night where you all go out, but to a place that doesn't serve alcohol?


Good luck : )

 

[MAC_Pixie04]

I agree, his friends dont understand and won't care to understand. People our age think they're invincible. I have so many friends who don't care to drink and drive, if anything I keep hearing "I drive better drunk because I'm trying to be careful not to get pulled over." Ridiculous. I've got friends with DUIs, misdemeanor public intoxication felonies, STDs and unwanted babies because they thought they were invincible. I know if I've even had half a drink and I'm out with friends I'm scared out of my wits because I'm under 21.

For my birthday we're going to dinner with family and friends, but the place does serve alcohol, but it's a sitdown restaurant not a bar. and depending on how far he gets between now and then, I might have to just leave him home for awhile, which I don't wanna do cuz I know how much it sucks that he leaves me at home when he goes out. I just really want him to establish some sort of self control when he's in social situations, and he doesnt have it yet.

 

[Divinity]

My experiences with alcoholics tell me that it's better to go places that do not serve liquor until he can safely refuse a drink and not think twice. Sounds to me like his biggest issue is friends. If they were really his friends, they would try to be supportive and understand. I know that young age is tough, but good friends exist at that age too.

As for you, I am SO proud of you for being such a great support system and a wonderful partner. Don't feel bad about having a drink because he can't. He shouldn't feel bad at all because everyone is different and has their own demons and this just happens to be his. He shouldn't have a problem with you going out and throwing back a couple. You can go out with your pals and have a drink. Keeping it in the house is probably a bad idea and not at all supportive him. Drinking in front of him is not advised at this early stage either. You two are just going to have to keep communicating to know what he is comfortable with as far as your enjoyment of liquor while he is around and as far as his progress goes too. He needs to be honest with himself too about what he can handle and what he cannot; and if he can't go to the bars without having a drop to drink at any time, he needs to accept that and not go. As I said before, he will find out who his real friends are when he comes out with the truth and it will probably suck balls to lose any he has, but he has a big one in you.

 

[Honey B. Fly]

my bf drinks way too much too, hes gotten alot better now though. i think the best way to do it is to teach him drinking is for special occasions like bday parties and not for every boring/stressful weeknight he has

i never asked mine to totally quit because i know it would never happen, but now he realizes that he feels better when he saves the achohol for a certain night out like once a week or every 2 weeks

 

[MAC_Pixie04]

I'm not asking him to totally quit and give it up for good either. I'm hoping that he can develop some sense of self control and responsible drinking. It's not the drinking that drives me as much as the drunk driving. If he got shitfaced drunk and took a cab home, I'd be satisfied. I know drinking isn't good for him, he's on medication and was born with a heart problem so drinking in excess is not the smartest thing to do. But drunk driving is even worse because not only could he kill himself, but he could kill someone else. I don't know about the rest of you but I could never EVER forgive myself if I got behind the wheel of my car shitfaced drunk and killed someone's child or someone's mother or sister or what have you.
I try not to get on his case about his friends, because they've been a slight problem since we started dating, but whenever I bring it up he gets upset. I don't think they're horrible people and beneath him or myself, but they aren't good friends. He probably has two or three good friends out of the thirty or so people he associates with. Perhaps he's afraid that if he cuts out the people that aren't conducive to his treatment right now that he'll be alone, but I'd rather be alone safe than alone in a 6-foot grave because I got drunk and did something stupid and I didn't have responsible friends to stop me.

I guess when the time comes, I'll have to cut him out socially for a little while so that the temptation isn't there. I'd just be afraid that if I cut him out and went out with my friends, he'd go out with his and slip into old habits.

 

[prinzessin784]

I wouldn't cut him out socially but I also wouldn't drink around him. Just make sure you spend plenty of drink-free time with him, and be sure that he knows that you want to spend time with your friends too and that might involve drinking. If he knows you're really supportive and willing to spend lots of alochol free time with him he'll be more confident in himself and be less likely to fall off the wagon.

 

[Beauty Mark]

You say that he's getting help. Does he have someone his age to talk to about alcoholism? Like a sponsor in AA? Maybe that'll help him see that he needs to take control of his life and how, though he's young, needs to not drink the way he does.

 

[MAC_Pixie04]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Beauty Mark You say that he's getting help. Does he have someone his age to talk to about alcoholism? Like a sponsor in AA? Maybe that'll help him see that he needs to take control of his life and how, though he's young, needs to not drink the way he does.

He talks to his brother about it. His brother's about 10 years older than him and went through it a lot worse than he did. DUI, car crash, rehab...seriously went through it. And they didn't reallly get along, but now they talk almost everyday and his brother's been encouraging him to go to new places instead of him going to the same dive bars with his ill-fated friends.

This weekend was good progress, he cancelled a bar crawl with his friends and went to D&B instead. I was able to go, his friends were able to drink while he didn't, and he got to play video games. Everybody was happy. Baby steps.