Toxic Mother...

[Krasevayadancer]

So I have brought this up before in other threads but I figured I would devote a whole thread to the one person who is stopping me from being happy- my mother.

Let me explain this whole convoluted mess:

I am extremely close to my mother. In my house, growing up it was always my mom who i turned to for anything and everything. She was my best friend (and still sort of is) I was her pride and her joy, and her chance to prove to herself that her life meant something (unfortunately she wasn't happy with the decisions my older sister made in life)

Everything started to go downhill when I made the decision four years ago to move away to college. My mother was vehemently against it, but I wasn't taking no for an answer. When all was said and done I got my way and there was nothing she could do about it. She grudgingly let me go. I think she adjusted to the changes, and so did I- and for a while things were swell.

I was premed and that did not make her happy. She said I couldn't physically handle the course-load, and that I should abandon it in favor of the best major ever- pharmacy. When i refused she let it go because i was still premed. When i dropped pre med she pushed pharmacy on me again. Wanting to make her happy i went along with it, until i realized that not only was it impossible- but that it wouldnt make me happy. Everything went down from there.

Since then and til now she has been harsh, critical and just plain mean to me. My graduation from college (let me mention im the first one on my family to do so) meant absolutely nothing. My family went to the ceremony grudgingly and couldn't wait to leave... All she kept on saying was how she is used to me graduating with honors... I would have done so if i wasnt pre med for 3 yrs... doesn't she get that?

Unfortunately now I am living home as i work a full time job. Everyone else i tell about this job is so impressed, it pays well above average, benefits are amazing, perks are great too- but again it means nothing to my mother that i got such a sought after job. All she cares about is pushing me into grad school. Now i know i want to go, but i wanted a yr off first to work and get my bearings. Not good enough for her.

Makeup is my passion and a hobby of mine that truly makes me happy- for that she calls me shallow, empty, superficial... She says i am wasting my life.

How could someone who brought me so much comfort all my life have become so toxic to me. She puts me down and makes me depressed... Not a day goes by where she doesnt say something negative... I know she wants what is best for me... but she hurts me so much...

::Sigh:: I don't know what to do anymore

 

[MACATTAK]

This is really sad. My mother is the one person I can go to with everything & I can't imagine anything different. Have you had a serious talk with her? Maybe she doesn't realize what she is doing to you. If not, start there. I can't imagine that she would be doing this intentionally...maybe she just doesn't realize how this affects you. I really hope that's the case. Take care girlie!

 

[SparklingWaves]

This is your mother's issue with herself and she is reflecting it onto you. This isn't an uncommon thing. Parents with unfilled fantasies play out there stuff with their kids. Mothers are notorious for implanting guilt.

Telling you what would make you happy is selfish on her part. Some parents are very guilty for trying to live out their dreams through their children. She is actually telling you what would make her happy if she were you. She isn't you. She must except that you are a totally different individual than her with hopes, dreams, and passions all your own. She needs to respect that. Instead, she is trying to control with quilt and emotional abuse.

I know from experience and I have confronted this issue right in the face. My parent wasn't even realizing what they were doing until I put it right in their face. It did diminish when I did this and continue to do this. Parents can really play head games with you that they don't even realize. It goes back to their childhood issues that were not met.

Further, she is dishing this dissatisfaction at you, because she is actually dissatisfied with her own life. Subconsciously, she feels you can handle this anger she has with herself. You are the strongest in the family and are actually being envied.

 

[giz2000]

Quote:

Originally Posted by SparklingWaves This is your mother's issue with herself and she is reflecting it onto you. This isn't an uncommon thing. Parents with unfilled fantasies play out there stuff with their kids. Mothers are notorious for implanting guilt. Telling you what would make you happy is selfish on her part. Some parents are very guilty for trying to live out their dreams through their children. She is actually telling you what would make her happy if she were you. She isn't you. She must except that you are a totally different individual than her with hopes, dreams, and passions all your own. She needs to respect that. Instead, she is trying to control with quilt and emotional abuse. I know from experience and I have confronted this issue right in the face. My parent wasn't even realizing what they were doing until I put it right in their face. It did diminish when I did this and continue to do this. Parents can really play head games with you that they don't even realize. It goes back to their childhood issues that were not met. Further, she is dishing this dissatisfaction at you, because she is actually dissatisfied with her own life. Subconsciously, she feels you can handle this anger she has with herself. You are the strongest in the family and are actually being envied.

I agree 100%.

 

[almmaaa]

I'm sorry about what your mother tells you. I know a couple of persons where there mothers were just like yours and it hurts them so much. I really don't know what to say except that I wouldnt listen to what bad things your mother has to say about you. Please try and don't take it to the heart and I know it is hard but just try maybe you will feel better. You are old enough to do what you like, and buy what you like so I say who cares what she says. Just my 2 cents

 

[oooshesbad]

Hey sticky situation your in. However you shouldn't allow anybody ((including your mom)) to make you upset to the point your depressed. You should be very proud of the fact that you have made many accomplishments, your mom will continue to be your mom even if she has to go off and be upset for a little bit! She is projecting her issues on you! Do what makes you happy, in the end your going to have to live with yourself!! And you don't want to live life with would'ves, could'ves, and should'ves...Your a grown woman who is doing quiet well for yourself. She should able to rejoice in that fact with you.

 

[Krasevayadancer]

Its so funny- I was a psych major in college, plan on getting my clinical psych phd, and have done tons of outside research on everything psych related.

I constantly pick her brain- and she absolutely hates it. While I am very introspective and self aware- she is not. She is in denial... She is trying to live through me and im sick of it. I am capable and have gone so far- i just get so angry...

 

[j_absinthe]

I hope this doesn't come off as offensive, but it's been my experience that you yourself can only hold you back.

You just have to sweat out that toxicity, like you'd sweat out a sickness. It's easier said then done, and it's something I myself am still doing, but in my short time on this Earth, I had to learn quick that all I have in this world is me.

All you have is yourself, and if you're not well, you need to get better, and I think that you're at a point in your life where you can be able to say "You know what, Mom, I'm doing me and I'm doing it well. If you don't have any positive reenforcement for me, then save your shit." Of course, edit that to something more suitable for your situation.

It's hard, I think everyone here has had someone in their life like that, it's just a matter of breaking through that. I wish you luck.

 

[SparklingWaves]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Krasevayadancer Its so funny- I was a psych major in college, plan on getting my clinical psych phd, and have done tons of outside research on everything psych related. I constantly pick her brain- and she absolutely hates it. While I am very introspective and self aware- she is not. She is in denial... She is trying to live through me and im sick of it. I am capable and have gone so far- i just get so angry...

She chooses to not be insightful, so she doesn't have to make any changes with herself and be accountable for her actions. That is why she is resistant.

 

[Beauty Mark]

It sounds like she has control issues. You might not have any choice but to grin and bear it until you are able to move out on your own.

I would try having a gentle but firm talk with her about things. Perhaps she'll realize she needs to let you do your own thing, perhaps she'll continue to do this to you.

Life is too short to not live your own dream.

 

[~Valerie~]

I have a similar relationship with my father and I agree with Beauty Mark that you may just have to grin and bear it until you can eventually get out on your own again. She may never change her ways, and if so, you cannot allow her to keep bringing you down. Life is too short to allow anyone, even family, to dampen it.

 

[BinkysBaby]

I don't believe in parents living vicariously through their children. It's your life and you can do so as you please. Living at home does complicate the situation a great deal but I would definitely try to get out of there as soon as possible. You are the one who has to live with your career choice, not her. Science majors are very difficult and I commend you for hanging in there for 3 years. Don't let her get you down.

 

[bebs]

I've had this problem my self with my own mother.. I wrote something just to vent and in my anger I gave it to her, I let her see how she was making me feel and how her actions were hurting me and the way she was poisoning me with her words and actions. since that day there has been alot of changes both good and bad, she excepts me for me alot better now, she still falls into old habits sometimes but not as much as she did in the past.

just rememeber your mother is human too, and remind her that you are as well.. let her read what you said, show her how you feel when she does this. because it seems like doing nothing isnt going to help it.. the only way to help is to work it out and talk about it.

I would say good luck and sit down and talk to her about it and let her know, and dont be afraid to show her because how else will she know what she is doing to you.

 

[frocher]

....

 

[NicksWifey]

I'm sorry you've had to go thru this. Your mother should be 110% behind you in WHATEVER you choose to do in life. If you are happy & healthy, that's all that should matter to her.

 

[elegant-one]

If I were your mother I would be sooo very proud of you! That is a Major self-accomplishment dear! I have actually just started going through a similar, but different situation with my mother and I absolutely understand the pain involved. I have shed many a tear and lost many nights of sleep over it.

Parents need to understand that their children should develop their own lives and responsibilities when they get older and stop manipulating, dominating and controlling them. This would give society well adjusted productive adults.