ugh, this boy. (a long one, please read)
- Thread starter user46
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righteothen
Well-known member
It seems to me that this guy is a little controlling. Keep in mind, this is just from what I read on your post, so if the situation is different in real life, I would have no idea.
The fact that he is pushing to have a baby already is a little scary. You are right to wait, not only because you are young, and you want to get your education, but also because your relationship is not that old. If he is getting this controlling this quickly in a relationship, I do not want to see how he would be towards a child.
Also, the thing about the clothing is uncalled for, I agree. I wear comfortable clothing in my house, but newer clothing outside, not because I want to impress people, but because that is what makes sense (like what you are doing, wearing the new stuff to school, and the older/comfier stuff at home).
It seems wrong to give relationship advise without seeing both sides, so I will give a warning instead. Be careful in this relationship. He is trying to push for some things that are supposed to take time, and, from what I read, he is trying to control you even down to what you wear. I don't want to flat out say that this is a doomed relationship, because it still has promise, but if you do not set some boundaries soon, he will, more than likely, get out of hand.
The fact that he is pushing to have a baby already is a little scary. You are right to wait, not only because you are young, and you want to get your education, but also because your relationship is not that old. If he is getting this controlling this quickly in a relationship, I do not want to see how he would be towards a child.
Also, the thing about the clothing is uncalled for, I agree. I wear comfortable clothing in my house, but newer clothing outside, not because I want to impress people, but because that is what makes sense (like what you are doing, wearing the new stuff to school, and the older/comfier stuff at home).
It seems wrong to give relationship advise without seeing both sides, so I will give a warning instead. Be careful in this relationship. He is trying to push for some things that are supposed to take time, and, from what I read, he is trying to control you even down to what you wear. I don't want to flat out say that this is a doomed relationship, because it still has promise, but if you do not set some boundaries soon, he will, more than likely, get out of hand.
user46
Well-known member
Quote:
i see exactly what you mean. thanks
Originally Posted by righteothen
It seems to me that this guy is a little controlling. Keep in mind, this is just from what I read on your post, so if the situation is different in real life, I would have no idea. The fact that he is pushing to have a baby already is a little scary. You are right to wait, not only because you are young, and you want to get your education, but also because your relationship is not that old. If he is getting this controlling this quickly in a relationship, I do not want to see how he would be towards a child. Also, the thing about the clothing is uncalled for, I agree. I wear comfortable clothing in my house, but newer clothing outside, not because I want to impress people, but because that is what makes sense (like what you are doing, wearing the new stuff to school, and the older/comfier stuff at home). It seems wrong to give relationship advise without seeing both sides, so I will give a warning instead. Be careful in this relationship. He is trying to push for some things that are supposed to take time, and, from what I read, he is trying to control you even down to what you wear. I don't want to flat out say that this is a doomed relationship, because it still has promise, but if you do not set some boundaries soon, he will, more than likely, get out of hand. |
i see exactly what you mean. thanks
goink
Well-known member
From what I've read from your post, it seems like your SO does not know what a relationship is. It takes two to work one. If he doesn't learn this, this relationship will meet its unfortunate end.
You have to realize that you cannot change him. He has to change himself. It's true that love can change a person. I'm not saying that he does not love you. I'm sure he does (you guys are together for 9 months). However, be warned that his definition of love might be different from yours. His love seems, from your post, a bit more controlling than usual.
Like the poster above, it's hard to say this is a doomed relationship. Just prepare yourself for some serious talk with him.
You have to realize that you cannot change him. He has to change himself. It's true that love can change a person. I'm not saying that he does not love you. I'm sure he does (you guys are together for 9 months). However, be warned that his definition of love might be different from yours. His love seems, from your post, a bit more controlling than usual.
Like the poster above, it's hard to say this is a doomed relationship. Just prepare yourself for some serious talk with him.
CantAffordMAC
Well-known member
wow that sounds so similar to my situation. my boyfriend acts dumb over small things too (what i wear, if i look at someone in the mall, if i'm on the phone with a friend) I say its just insecurity. He sounds extremely insecure with himself and with your relationship. It sounds like hes scared to be alone and he doesn't trust you.
I know sometimes it can be hard to get through to him (cuz my bf's the saaaame way) but I just let him cool off, and then talk to him, and reassure him. But you also have to let him kno that if he doesnt start trusting you and stop picking fights, then your relationship won't last. tell him that having a baby and getting married are huge decisions, and while you know that he's "the one" you just want to make it happen at the right time for both of you. you have to communicate your exact feelings towards him, and let him know that if things don't start changing then he's going to lose you. if you guys keep taking breaks, then the breaks have to actually be for a reason--you can't just take a break to say it, and then get back together the next day. You have to explain WHY you're taking the break, and whats going to happen during the break...you have to be firm. It sounds like you guys got comfortable with the "break" thing (i used to do the same thing) It's like, if you say you're going on a break, both of you know that you will be together very shortly...there are no consequences. You have to make consequences happen if he doesn't try to be a better boyfriend..a break is a break for a reason.
tell him that you both have to have your own lives too..you don't have to spend everyday together. he sounds kinda controlling. i just say that you should try to communicate better and let him know that you're serious: if he doesn't start changing, then you will not continue the relationship. and stand by what you say.
good luck
I know sometimes it can be hard to get through to him (cuz my bf's the saaaame way) but I just let him cool off, and then talk to him, and reassure him. But you also have to let him kno that if he doesnt start trusting you and stop picking fights, then your relationship won't last. tell him that having a baby and getting married are huge decisions, and while you know that he's "the one" you just want to make it happen at the right time for both of you. you have to communicate your exact feelings towards him, and let him know that if things don't start changing then he's going to lose you. if you guys keep taking breaks, then the breaks have to actually be for a reason--you can't just take a break to say it, and then get back together the next day. You have to explain WHY you're taking the break, and whats going to happen during the break...you have to be firm. It sounds like you guys got comfortable with the "break" thing (i used to do the same thing) It's like, if you say you're going on a break, both of you know that you will be together very shortly...there are no consequences. You have to make consequences happen if he doesn't try to be a better boyfriend..a break is a break for a reason.
tell him that you both have to have your own lives too..you don't have to spend everyday together. he sounds kinda controlling. i just say that you should try to communicate better and let him know that you're serious: if he doesn't start changing, then you will not continue the relationship. and stand by what you say.
good luck
mrsjeffhardy
Well-known member
oh girl i feel you on so many parts.
sometimes my bf gets irritated if i put on makeup. he's like "you know i love you with or without makeup,so why do you put it on when we go out? to look good for other people?" and im like "no,because i like it" and sometimes i'll go see him at work wearing a dress and he's like "why do you dress up when youre NOT with me?" im like "hello? i came to see YOU!" plus why dress up when im just at home??
he's just dumb sometimes. but i dont get too worked up over it. i let it slide right off most of the time. he's too good to me for me to get upset over that. i just think about all he does for our family and everything he does for me.
he's overly dramatic and always has been. but in all fairness,im just like that. when he puts on a nice polo for work,i say "who are you trying to look good for?!" and hes like "um no one,i just dont want to look homeless" lol.
but if your bfs like that ALLLL the time and you really do feel suffocated and DONT WANT to be there,dont be there. if youre not happy,get out i say. i wouldnt want to be somewhere where i wasnt happy. and im sure no one wants to be with someone who isnt fully happy with them.
sometimes my bf gets irritated if i put on makeup. he's like "you know i love you with or without makeup,so why do you put it on when we go out? to look good for other people?" and im like "no,because i like it" and sometimes i'll go see him at work wearing a dress and he's like "why do you dress up when youre NOT with me?" im like "hello? i came to see YOU!" plus why dress up when im just at home??
he's just dumb sometimes. but i dont get too worked up over it. i let it slide right off most of the time. he's too good to me for me to get upset over that. i just think about all he does for our family and everything he does for me.
he's overly dramatic and always has been. but in all fairness,im just like that. when he puts on a nice polo for work,i say "who are you trying to look good for?!" and hes like "um no one,i just dont want to look homeless" lol.
but if your bfs like that ALLLL the time and you really do feel suffocated and DONT WANT to be there,dont be there. if youre not happy,get out i say. i wouldnt want to be somewhere where i wasnt happy. and im sure no one wants to be with someone who isnt fully happy with them.
STolEn_KisS
Well-known member
sorry to say this but he just sounds like a controlling, over-sensitive, jerk. Leave him and find a better man!
elisha24
Well-known member
Woah.... talk about controlling. My bf does similar things but not to such extent.
He is obviously controlling and insecure. I can tell you know if you want it to work its going to be very very hard work and you can't expect him to change. Only you can change and hope that it will work.
You need to be strong, DON'T LET HIM CONTROL YOU! No matter how much it hurts, whether he breaks up with you or threatens you with other things don't give in. Just be careful because he won't like you standing up against him.
I would really consider if you love him enough to go through all this stuff. Because he obviously doesn't trust you very much.
He is obviously controlling and insecure. I can tell you know if you want it to work its going to be very very hard work and you can't expect him to change. Only you can change and hope that it will work.
You need to be strong, DON'T LET HIM CONTROL YOU! No matter how much it hurts, whether he breaks up with you or threatens you with other things don't give in. Just be careful because he won't like you standing up against him.
I would really consider if you love him enough to go through all this stuff. Because he obviously doesn't trust you very much.
user46
Well-known member
trust, he may try to be controlling. but if i don't wanna do somethin, please believe i won't do it. if i wanna leave his house early or somethin, i will. he'll get pissed but its like ... whatever. i can see myself with him, but right now, honestly, i wouldn't want to marry him. not with how i feel now, anyway. he has alot to work on, and i'm trying to help him. like today, we have an excellent day, except for a couple mishaps, but they were minor, so it's like whatever. we got back together the day before yesterday. i'm giving him another chance, but honestly .. if it doesn't work out this time then i'm out, like i won't be able to do it. like one of you said, he can't change what HE doesn't want to. and i told him that. so this is his chance to prove to me that HE actually wants to be with me. he begged me to give him another chance cuz "it'll get better, i swear." ... so ima see how that works. i just feel like he acts too much like a husband .. than a boyfriend for an 18 year old. its like my parents just stopped tellin me what to do and when to come and go, and now i have him doing it and it pisses me off. well, we'll see.
and to one of you ... he's a great guy. he just doesn't know how to be a great boyfriend. this is both of our first "real" relationship ... so even if we did break up, i don't think i'd be interested in getting a new man sometime soon.
and to one of you ... he's a great guy. he just doesn't know how to be a great boyfriend. this is both of our first "real" relationship ... so even if we did break up, i don't think i'd be interested in getting a new man sometime soon.
landonsmother
Well-known member
you're ARE NOT selfish, if anything he's the one who's being selfish. He should be happy for every decision you make! Sorry to say, I just think your boyfriend is overly jealous & immature. Tell him he needs to grow up a little.
xIxSkyDancerxIx
Well-known member
IMO getting back together than breaking up and repeating the whole process isn't a good thing. In fact it probably makes things worse because you're showing him that he CAN be that way since you two get back together in the end anyways and you both know it. So why would he change? Maybe when you two aren't together he'll consider it and be on his best behavior, but then you two get back together and he'll "slack off" for lack of a better word..
I'm sorry if I sound really harsh and I offend you, I really don't mean to. But IMO it seems like you're making excuses for his behavior. Yes, he might be insecure and scared, but you two breaking up and getting back together won't solve anything. If you both really want this than DON'T break up and just stay together to work things out, no matter how hard it gets..
I'm sorry for preaching and making this so lengthy.. but I hope you both figure things out. Good luck~
I'm sorry if I sound really harsh and I offend you, I really don't mean to. But IMO it seems like you're making excuses for his behavior. Yes, he might be insecure and scared, but you two breaking up and getting back together won't solve anything. If you both really want this than DON'T break up and just stay together to work things out, no matter how hard it gets..
I'm sorry for preaching and making this so lengthy.. but I hope you both figure things out. Good luck~
