Upset

[Miss Pumpkin]

I'm really upset at the moment... I maybe made the mistake of asking my boyfriend if he will get bored of me one day, and his reply was "I don't know" Now I know probably I shouldn't have asked anything, but his answer hurt me a lot... And he said he doesn't want to lie to me or make a promise he might break one day because he might be a different person in 30 years, and that he loves me more than anything in the world but I feel so upset now. If he loves me so much, why isn't he sure he wants to stay with me forever? A little lie there would have been much more comforting goddamn it.

 

[Janice]

LD relationships can be so difficult.

I'm sorry you're feeling upset right now, when is the next time you two get to see each other?

 

[silverblackened]

*hugs* I know what it feels like; I ask my boyfriend similar things sometimes and I get the same answer; like you, I used to feel hurt than he couldn't give me the answers I wanted to hear. But I know that I can't have it both ways, and since honesty is one of the most important things to me in a relationship, I'm learning not to ask such questions expecting a "model answer", and that I really don't have to test him - he does truly love me as much as he knows how to.

It's difficult to deal with at first, because us ladies are such emotional, sensitive creatures.

But you're strong, you love each other, and I'm sure it will help to see him again when you do, so that he doesn't seem so distant physically and emotionally. Any progress on getting his citizenship?

 

[Miss Pumpkin]

Thanks girls! We don't know when we'll be together again yet... All his papers went thru the Irish Embassy in Canberra and he got a letter saying they have been now submitted to Dublin, and to wait for the official citizenship letter before making any travel plans. I really hope he gets a letter soon because somedays I miss him so much I can't even get out of bed.

And I know I shouldn't have asked anything... and that it's a good thing that he's honest. But I want to be with him forever, and it doesn't feel like he does when he says something like that

 

[saniyairshad]

Those creatures A.K.A guys, DO NOT realize when they hurt is and how harsh some times the simplest words can be towards our feelings. what I would say is confront him and ask him how could u be so insensitive? I asked u a simple question and u have no right to be like that. I guess the best way I deal with my fiancee when he hurts my feelings is by confronting him and letting him know. And I know they think they're not hurting us but they don't realize females are more sensitive.

 

[Beauty Mark]

I say things like that. I don't mean that I have a plan to end things or foresee a definite end, but I don't like saying things that I can't be sure of or living in absolutes, like I may grow tired of Specktra, delete my account, and never talk to any of you again. I don't have a plan like "6 months from now, I'll be a memory" but I know it's a possibility.

 

[Taj]

Men tends to be practical while women tends to be sentimental. so there is nothing wrong with his answer because you are asking about something in the future, which you and him really don't foresee.
Cheer up, you just trapped yourself into something stupid. The msot important is he loves you NOW !

 

[Shimmer]

Quote:

Originally Posted by saniyairshad Those creatures A.K.A guys, DO NOT realize when they hurt is and how harsh some times the simplest words can be towards our feelings. what I would say is confront him and ask him how could u be so insensitive? I asked u a simple question and u have no right to be like that. I guess the best way I deal with my fiancee when he hurts my feelings is by confronting him and letting him know. And I know they think they're not hurting us but they don't realize females are more sensitive.

Um. Wait. Insensitive? No, he wasn't being insensitive, he was being honest. He has every right and yes even a responsibility to be honest with his partner.
Females are NOT more sensitive...that's a huge overstatement. There are women who are more sensitive than men, but there are also many many women who are simply not that sensitive.
It's a huge disservice to men to consistently ask questions like
"Do these pants make me look fat?" (No, your ass makes you look fat) "No honey you look great!!" *big smile*
"Honey will you love me if I fall off a bridge tomorrow and am a quadriplegic for the rest of my life?" (We've been dating six months, I'm out of here you start needing to breath through a tube.) "Of course honey! You're my everything!"
"Baby will you still love me in fifty years?" (Who knows what the future holds? But I'm going to try...) "Of course my widdle muffin wuffin...i wubs joo."
And not allow them to answer the questions honestly and candidly.

Truth be told, I know I want to be with my husband, and I know I want to go to bed with him and wake up beside him every morning but in ten years am I going to feel the same way? I hope so. I really do. That hope and the desire to feel the same way is what drives me to make sure I DO feel the same way.

Ladies, stop putting your men between a rock and hard place. He's damned if he does and damned if he doesn't...because if he's honest he's an insensitive dick, and if he's not honest, then if the relationship fails his words are thrown in his face. In short, don't ask questions merely for validation, unless you're able to handle hearing the opposite of what you want to hear as well as not.


MissPumpkin, as Taj said, he loves you now, revel in THAT, because the NOW is what we have. We aren't promised tomorrow, by anyone.

 

[lara]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shimmer Truth be told, I know I want to be with my husband, and I know I want to go to bed with him and wake up beside him every morning but in ten years am I going to feel the same way? I hope so. I really do. That hope and the desire to feel the same way is what drives me to make sure I DO feel the same way.

Well stated.

He's making the massive life changing move of travelling halfway across the world to be with you, isn't he? If that isn't enough reassurance that he wants to be with you now and in the foreseeable future, then nothing will be.

Enjoy what is in front of you now and set up the groundwork to keep that momentum going throughout your relationship, rather than predicting the worst. Keep that up and it'll be a self-fulfilling prophesy before you realise.

 

[Miss Pumpkin]

The problem is right now, I don't have him with me, seeing I'm a long distance relationship.
So I need reassurance that tomorrow he'll still love me and won't be bored of me, because I'm looking forward to the future with him.

 

[Shimmer]

Insecurity can be the demise of a relationship.
I've done the LD thing as well, and though it's hard, you have to keep in mind that you're the one he chose.

 

[Moppit]

I don't like to be negative but nothing is a certainty in this life. Things happen and cause changes. Most of the time they are out of your control too. Just enjoy what you have now and don't dwell on something that may never happen.

 

[Beauty Mark]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Miss Pumpkin The problem is right now, I don't have him with me, seeing I'm a long distance relationship. So I need reassurance that tomorrow he'll still love me and won't be bored of me, because I'm looking forward to the future with him.

I understand but at the same time, questions like those are difficult for some people to answer. Perhaps you ought to talk to him about how much you want this to work out and promise that you'll give it your best shot?

Your boyfriend will more than likely say yes. He can't guarantee a lot but he can/should be able to commit to truly working on staying with you.

 

[kaliraksha]

Sandra! I don’t think you can ask someone for more reassurance than him choosing to go through the ordeal of leaving his country to be near you. I think that is amazing. You really should concentrate on what you have now.

I use to do this self-validation thing with my fiancé a few years ago and it turned pretty sour. I have the memory of an elephant and him the memory of a goldfish. One time we were in a fight and I shot something back at him he had said to me and he had no clue he had even said it to me. I explained exactly when and how he had said it and he said “Well, I felt that way at the time”. Then, in that moment, I realized that kind of validation is emotional, feelings-based and temporary. He is just being logical and rational and maybe you are bit more sensitive and romantic and idealistic (this combo describes me and my SO). I know most of have experienced the smooth talking romantic that uses the exact same words, phrases, poems and techniques with his next girlfriend too. His ability to be truthful with you even though it upsets you is admirable.

Communication is key- I have to tell my fiancé things that I yearn for and need to feel validated and loved without passing the parameters that he is willing to give me. I don’t want his rational side screaming at him when he tells me “I’m going to love you and be sexually attracted to you forever and ever and ever!” at that point I am asking him to not be him and that’s not at all what I want. All the words in the world could not replace the love you have for each other now and the realization that the type of relationship you seek involves work- past, present and future. All you need to know is that he loves you and that as long as he does love you he will work with you to keep that love. A non-romantic, but probably better question to ask for validation is “Will you love me enough that when I stop being interesting to you that you will talk to me about it and will stick with me while we work it out?” – that questions sucks romantically, but (IMO) shows more love than him just agreeing to keep you happy.

If you want to be sneaky and seek your validation ask him every single day “will you love me tomorrow?”- now if you ask every single day I think that plan is full proof. I’m kidding though; I’m really just being cheeky about that last part.

Best of luck, honey. As much as I hate to say it because I believe you are so amazing, you need to validate yourself foremost.

You may also want to look into Colors for personality. It’ based on the personality scale designed by the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator.
A great book is http://www.amazon.com/Showing-True-C...837510-9695355

It sounds to me like you may be a bit “blue” heavy and he probably has a strong “green” presence.
A pre-quiz if you will: http://www.truecolorscareer.com/quiz.asp

 

[Kiwi Girlie]

I have the same problem with my boyfriend, we are dating long distance also

I ask him things like that and he says things like your boyfriend did, he say's hes just being honest. But sometimes it's better not to say them if they know it'll hurt.. Guys are so hard to understand sometimes

 

[kimmy]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shimmer MissPumpkin, as Taj said, he loves you now, revel in THAT, because the NOW is what we have. We aren't promised tomorrow, by anyone.

i couldn't have said it better myself.

you have to remember, too, that while you love him more than anything in the world right now, you also have the ability to change. in 30 years, you might be the one who gets bored..you can't predict thoe kinds of things.

all that matters is that you love him and he loves you right now. that's what's important. cheer up sandra, if it's meant to be it will be.

 

[ginger9]

I understand how lonely, hard and scary this time apart has been for you. However, you need to be STRONG for yourself and your man right now. Don't let the distance get the better of you, getting upset over this is counterproductive and is just adding unnecessary strain to your relationship.

Have faith in the love between you two, support and encourage him until he's in your loving arms again!

 

[xbeatofangelx]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kiwi Girlie I have the same problem with my boyfriend, we are dating long distance also I ask him things like that and he says things like your boyfriend did, he say's hes just being honest. But sometimes it's better not to say them if they know it'll hurt.. Guys are so hard to understand sometimes

Sometimes it's better not to ask, if you know the response you're expecting will make you upset.