what to do, what to do

[bebs]

first of all I would love to thank you so much.. for your thoughts and everything

I dont really know what else to say at this time, besides say what's happening; I've flown up to see him twice thus far. it doesn't really seem to be going my way at the moment, he doesn't want to come home or talk things out at the moment. the first time he refused flat out and I left as I started to cry so I just went home and left him up there with his thoughts. the second and last time I saw him, we didn't really speak to much we were civil to one another, he didn't say he was coming home but also didn't say he wasn't. during the end I gave him a notebook.. my sort of journal, with thoughts, feelings and poetry written in it and I left. that was a few days ago, he called sometime earlier today but I didn't hear it and he didn't leave a message. but other then that there hasn't been any other contact as of this moment.

 

[rbella]

Wow. All I can say is I am so sorry. He is so self-involved right now that he can't even see outside of himself and that is so unfortunate for EVERYONE around him. I think you are handling this so well and I commend you for your ability to keep your cool. If my husband's parents were dumped off at my home and then he "disappeared" because he couldn't deal with his life, I would go completely ballistic on him.

You should take a moment to congratulate yourself on the fact that you are humanly capable of seeing that he is suffering from some kind of severe depression, life change, whatever. Most women would have been bitching, screaming, nagging, and doing all the things that would alienate him even more. I include myself in that category.

Major props to you on having the stamina to try and save your marriage. You are an extremely strong person. I really hope he sees how lucky he is.

 

[duckduck]

Quote:

Originally Posted by bebs first of all I would love to thank you so much.. for your thoughts and everything I dont really know what else to say at this time, besides say what's happening; I've flown up to see him twice thus far. it doesn't really seem to be going my way at the moment, he doesn't want to come home or talk things out at the moment. the first time he refused flat out and I left as I started to cry so I just went home and left him up there with his thoughts. the second and last time I saw him, we didn't really speak to much we were civil to one another, he didn't say he was coming home but also didn't say he wasn't. during the end I gave him a notebook.. my sort of journal, with thoughts, feelings and poetry written in it and I left. that was a few days ago, he called sometime earlier today but I didn't hear it and he didn't leave a message. but other then that there hasn't been any other contact as of this moment.

I am sending massive internet hugs your way - I know it's not much, but hey, I gotta try. I am really surprised that he hasn't come back yet. I am really proud of you for picking back up and going down a 2nd time and for giving him that journal. I know it can't be easy to open up to him right now, and I think they journal was a really good choice for sharing your feelings with him. I hope he calls again soon, and that you keep your journaling up in the meantime. I'm going to continue keeping you both in my thoughts.

 

[NutMeg]

 

[bebs]

Quote:

Originally Posted by rbella Wow. All I can say is I am so sorry. He is so self-involved right now that he can't even see outside of himself and that is so unfortunate for EVERYONE around him. I think you are handling this so well and I commend you for your ability to keep your cool. If my husband's parents were dumped off at my home and then he "disappeared" because he couldn't deal with his life, I would go completely ballistic on him. You should take a moment to congratulate yourself on the fact that you are humanly capable of seeing that he is suffering from some kind of severe depression, life change, whatever. Most women would have been bitching, screaming, nagging, and doing all the things that would alienate him even more. I include myself in that category. Major props to you on having the stamina to try and save your marriage. You are an extremely strong person. I really hope he sees how lucky he is.

oh believe me, I've been wanting to do all those things as well as throw a fit and maybe a few things more then a pillow. but thats mostly why I haven't been trying to get in touch with him often, because if I did that it would only send him farther.. so I whine and rant at my friends, talk to you wonderful ladies and cry at my therapist.

and as for saving it, at this point I don't really know if I want to. I've always said the only reason I would leave him is if he cheated on me. however being ignored completely and blocked out of his life, isn't working either. I've talked it over with a lot of people, and really I do love him but until he gets everything in his life worked out, I can't be with him.

it feels as though I'm tying to hold onto sand and its only slipping away from me

 

[melliquor]

I am sending lots of hugs your way.

 

[bebs]

update:

he's not back yet.. and well we're not really talking at the moment, the last time we talked he said "what I'm doing isn't fair to you or anybody else and I'm sorry but at the moment I can't help it, and I'm not going to be back for a while"

I've over thought this line since he said it on the phone to me the last time we talked. I told him that our relationship was hanging on by a thread and that could break it and he said he was sorry but that is what must be.

this last week and during the mornings, I've been moving back into my parents house, lucky in some ways they only live like 3 minutes from there and a lot of my things are still set up here.

just thought I would give you all an update of what is going on.

 

[YvetteJeannine]

Thanks for the update.

What the hell is he doing up there?? BTW, where is this? Looks like you are in Orange County...you said this cabin is "way up", so I'm thinking somewhere in the Cali. mountains..???

You say you've known him for most of your life, and he's never done anything like this...but I'm sure if you delve deep into your memory, there's GOT to be signs. MOST of the time, people don't just change like that..there's some kind of signs/symptoms that they have this trait in them...UNLESS he's having a complete mental breakdown...which is very rare. Usually, people with totally healthy mental status don't just have a complete meltdown unless something TERRIBLE happens (I know your miscarriage was sad, but not the type of terrible to warrant a complete breakdown of his faculties)...And, like you said, there were signs before the miscarriage...The staying out late, drinking, drugging, etc.

If I were you (and I'm not, so I know it's easy for ME to say), I would start removing yourself from this marriage. I hate to say it, but it doesn't sound like he's fit to have any type of relationship; and the longer you hang on, the more pain you'll suffer. You deserve a man that's going to be in your bed at night...EVERY NIGHT. You certainly don't need to be wondering if your husband is alive or dead, shacked up with someone else, etc. etc.

On another note, I would be very worried about him up there alone in the mental state he's in. Could he be on a drug binge?? No matter, he needs somebody to try and get him down from there...His parents need to shut off electricity or something...maybe tell him to get out. You need to reiterate to them that it's a BAD situation for him there all alone in such a state. I hate to say this, but if he stays up there much longer alone, he may not be alive for very long. I'm not trying to scare you, but these are the things you need to be thinking about.

I am so sorry you are having to go through this. Please take care of yourself, and let us know what's happening.

 

[bebs]

Quote:

Originally Posted by YvetteJeannine Thanks for the update. What the hell is he doing up there?? BTW, where is this? Looks like you are in Orange County...you said this cabin is "way up", so I'm thinking somewhere in the Cali. mountains..??? You say you've known him for most of your life, and he's never done anything like this...but I'm sure if you delve deep into your memory, there's GOT to be signs. MOST of the time, people don't just change like that..there's some kind of signs/symptoms that they have this trait in them...UNLESS he's having a complete mental breakdown...which is very rare. Usually, people with totally healthy mental status don't just have a complete meltdown unless something TERRIBLE happens (I know your miscarriage was sad, but not the type of terrible to warrant a complete breakdown of his faculties)...And, like you said, there were signs before the miscarriage...The staying out late, drinking, drugging, etc. If I were you (and I'm not, so I know it's easy for ME to say), I would start removing yourself from this marriage. I hate to say it, but it doesn't sound like he's fit to have any type of relationship; and the longer you hang on, the more pain you'll suffer. You deserve a man that's going to be in your bed at night...EVERY NIGHT. You certainly don't need to be wondering if your husband is alive or dead, shacked up with someone else, etc. etc. On another note, I would be very worried about him up there alone in the mental state he's in. Could he be on a drug binge?? No matter, he needs somebody to try and get him down from there...His parents need to shut off electricity or something...maybe tell him to get out. You need to reiterate to them that it's a BAD situation for him there all alone in such a state. I hate to say this, but if he stays up there much longer alone, he may not be alive for very long. I'm not trying to scare you, but these are the things you need to be thinking about. I am so sorry you are having to go through this. Please take care of yourself, and let us know what's happening.

as for where its up in Tahoe

I really dont know, theres been no running like this. weekend trips away with the guys or once a great while by him self.

as for the mental breakdown, I really don't know the times I've seen him, he wasn't happy but he was okay. I know the stress of trying to get work.. and then losing a child was hard on him, but besides those things I mean life is pretty good most of the time nothing terrible has happened within either family.

and as for removing my self.. I am as for right now I am mostly out of it, I've contacted my lawyers and starting to draw out the paper work. as of right now he is going to be his drama because as much as I love him I can not deal with him acting like he's 16 or something.

and as for the drug binge as of right now I wouldn't be surprised, I really don't know, all I do know is the harder I pull him toward me the harder he pushes back.

 

[rbella]

I am so sorry this is happening to you. I cannot believe how selfish he is being. You deserve so much more and I'm glad you are taking the necessary steps to get yourself there. Not that I hope things don't work out for both of you, I just think you have put yourself out there and gotten nothing in return. I hope you know you have friends here. Please feel free to pm me if I can ever help or if you just need a shoulder to cry on. I'm thinking about your situation a lot and hoping for the best. Please keep us informed. Big Hugs to you.

 

[FullWroth]

I dunno, I think there's something to be said for the "for better or worse, in sickness and in health" part of wedding vows. The world's most wonderful, amazing people do stupid, selfish things just like anyone else, especially if they're possibly suffering from mental illness, and when you marry someone, you don't only marry them for the good times, you marry them for when they're being selfish pricks and hurting your feelings, too. If you weren't signing up to potentially deal with something like this, you shouldn't've said the vows.

That being said, you shouldn't just sit and wait for him at home like a sad puppy, either. I think moving back into your parents' house for right now is a good idea. You need to make sure you have a good support network and you aren't isolated from daily life - the more normalcy there is in your routine, the more levelheaded you can be when deciding how much "for worse" and "in sickness" is too much - 'cause of course, yes, there is such a thing as too much of the bad - you signed up for good AND bad when you got hitched, so if there's no good... - but if you're all tangled up in it 24/7, it's hard to figure that out.

Also, if you at all suspect that he's mentally ill, or that he's a danger to himself or others, PLEASE try to get some psychiatric help up there for him. Worst case scenario, he's actually developed a serious mental disorder (if he's in his early to mid 20s, that's a PRIME time for the development of things like depression and schizophrenia, especially if triggered by a severe stress stimulus), and he desperately needs treatment.

You've given him enough slack. I don't think you should kick him to the curb like last week's trash, but I do think he's had enough time to be alone and sort things out on his own. It's not working. Someone else needs to do it, and you and his parents are in a prime spot to do that. IMO, your spouse *should* be the person that picks you up when you've hit rock bottom and drags you kicking and screaming back into normalcy.

Again, though, I'm not advocating that you should stay with him no matter what or anything; I just think you shouldn't really go down the divorce road until you've exhausted your other options. If he's struggling so much that he can't even come home when his wife begs him, and he's always acted normal before, he's either suddenly revealed himself to be a jerk and you DO deserve better, or he's gotten to a very dark place and needs someone to help him out. There are lots of girls here who've had serious depressions before, and I'm sure they could tell you that sometimes, you go so deep that you just can't get out on your own.

Either way, though, it is of course your life, and nobody on here can make decisions for you. Good luck to you both, whatever you choose.

 

[pumpkincat210]

I was never one for "interventions" but in this case i think he needs one. He needs you, the support of his family and perhaps a psychiatrist or some kind of therapist. He may need to be on meds for awhile if he is that depressed and withdrawn. Isolation to that extent is not healthy especially since he seems to be going through some kind of breakdown. Get him help asap even if he refuses it.

 

[bebs]

Thanks girls.. sometimes I need a kick in the pants as much or more then the next person. However I brought my self and two of his close friends up there with me late last night, to go and talk to him.

He really didn't enjoy seeing me unexpected like that and begrudgingly let me inside after they talked to him for a while, they are still up there with him talking as he told me flat out that he didn't want me to be there.

sometimes emotions do get the better of us all because that got us in a fight. I ended up calling one of my friends to come and pick me up because I was not fit to drive at that point because I was crying and we left for the airport and then home.

they should be coming home tonight and over here tomorrow morning to talk to me and tell me what's going on.

but as of right now I really believe I'm taking the right path, how can I stay with somebody who doesn't want me in the same space as him let alone in his life with him.

I'm also thinking of letting him wait a while longer.. at least until work is over, and then maybe after that summer school is over another 4 - 6 weeks, maybe by then he'll have cooled his heals some. I know his dad is planning on going up in a few weeks as well.

as well as he'll be kicked out sooner or later by the rest of my family planning on going up there soon, so I worry about just where he is going to be and how long it will take to find him again.

 

[rbella]

God, I am so sorry. That is ridiculous that he doesn't want you there. What the hell? I'm sorry but at this point he is just being plain rude. You don't deserve to be treated like that and he doesn't deserve you right now. Perhaps when you are gone, he'll realize just what he's done.

I am really impressed with how strong you are. I don't think I could mentally handle a situation as tough as this. You will come out better in the end. Keeping you in my thoughts, always....

 

[bebs]

Quote:

Originally Posted by FullWroth I dunno, I think there's something to be said for the "for better or worse, in sickness and in health" part of wedding vows. The world's most wonderful, amazing people do stupid, selfish things just like anyone else, especially if they're possibly suffering from mental illness, and when you marry someone, you don't only marry them for the good times, you marry them for when they're being selfish pricks and hurting your feelings, too. If you weren't signing up to potentially deal with something like this, you shouldn't've said the vows. That being said, you shouldn't just sit and wait for him at home like a sad puppy, either. I think moving back into your parents' house for right now is a good idea. You need to make sure you have a good support network and you aren't isolated from daily life - the more normalcy there is in your routine, the more levelheaded you can be when deciding how much "for worse" and "in sickness" is too much - 'cause of course, yes, there is such a thing as too much of the bad - you signed up for good AND bad when you got hitched, so if there's no good... - but if you're all tangled up in it 24/7, it's hard to figure that out. Also, if you at all suspect that he's mentally ill, or that he's a danger to himself or others, PLEASE try to get some psychiatric help up there for him. Worst case scenario, he's actually developed a serious mental disorder (if he's in his early to mid 20s, that's a PRIME time for the development of things like depression and schizophrenia, especially if triggered by a severe stress stimulus), and he desperately needs treatment. You've given him enough slack. I don't think you should kick him to the curb like last week's trash, but I do think he's had enough time to be alone and sort things out on his own. It's not working. Someone else needs to do it, and you and his parents are in a prime spot to do that. IMO, your spouse *should* be the person that picks you up when you've hit rock bottom and drags you kicking and screaming back into normalcy. Again, though, I'm not advocating that you should stay with him no matter what or anything; I just think you shouldn't really go down the divorce road until you've exhausted your other options. If he's struggling so much that he can't even come home when his wife begs him, and he's always acted normal before, he's either suddenly revealed himself to be a jerk and you DO deserve better, or he's gotten to a very dark place and needs someone to help him out. There are lots of girls here who've had serious depressions before, and I'm sure they could tell you that sometimes, you go so deep that you just can't get out on your own. Either way, though, it is of course your life, and nobody on here can make decisions for you. Good luck to you both, whatever you choose.

I do as well think there is something within the vows and do not walk away from it lightly, I just can not stay within a relationship where I am not wanted and told to go away, good and bad I can deal with but being told that my presents is unwanted does put a damper in being able to have said relationship.

mentally ill, I don't really think so but I'm not one with training to say that he is or isn't. as for his age he is in his early 30's.

and as for the kicking and screaming part I really don't want to be married to a child, I have children at work I do not need a spouse that behaves in that manner as well. I can take it for a while but not forever, as I understand we are all able to do and act and react in different ways to these things. As for the reveling him self to be, I really don't know if thats the case for it would have been a long time to put on an act. but I do know that I can not accept and promote it.

as for depression, I know well not as much as others and more then some.

I'm a strong person and I've been well detaching my self emotionally from him and the situation trying to judge it from both sides, however with it being from my own life I do have a hard time with doing so from his side as he wont tell me what the problem is.

Quote:

Originally Posted by rbella God, I am so sorry. That is ridiculous that he doesn't want you there. What the hell? I'm sorry but at this point he is just being plain rude. You don't deserve to be treated like that and he doesn't deserve you right now. Perhaps when you are gone, he'll realize just what he's done. I am really impressed with how strong you are. I don't think I could mentally handle a situation as tough as this. You will come out better in the end. Keeping you in my thoughts, always....

thanks so much, you have no idea how much that means to me, and I know.. I don't really know what has gotten into him. He's never behaved like this before and I have no idea how to take it.

far from strong more like wanting to go into a mental break down again, and just trying to keep busy with work and being with the kids a lot of the time.

I really don't get why he is like this right now at all. his friends that I talk to don't know either and just say to give him the time and space that he wants as to think things out and though if thats what he needs.

I'm just having trouble trying to figure out where he is mentally because the last few times I've seen him he was fine.. and let me in somewhat and now, nothing. I'm still going though with talking to my lawyers and I think its a good idea for the moment. however if he changes his mind and his attitude shortly we might find a way to work out, if not.. well then there really doesn't seem like anything I can do for I can only do my part and not his as well.

 

[rbella]

Thanks for the update. I just cannot understand how you must feel. To make a complete life change like that and stick you in a position to care for the kids and HIS parents is so selfish. It's sickening. Based on what you've written it doesn't seem like he is in some drug induced binge or suicidal. He just seems like a spoiled jackass. I don't mean to insult your husband and I do hope all turns out for the best, but you do not in any way, shape or form deserve this.

I think there is something much different going on here, maybe a pre-midlife crisis? The fact that he will allow his friends over but not his own wife is just too weird. I think you're on the right path. He decided to put everyone's lives on hold for his own selfish reasons. That doesn't mean you actually have to. Keep strong and keep loving those kids...Hugs to you...

 

[bebs]

just to keep it right.. the kids aren't ours. I work with kids as a TA and within an afterschool program

Quote:

Originally Posted by rbella Thanks for the update. I just cannot understand how you must feel. To make a complete life change like that and stick you in a position to care for the kids and HIS parents is so selfish. It's sickening. Based on what you've written it doesn't seem like he is in some drug induced binge or suicidal. He just seems like a spoiled jackass. I don't mean to insult your husband and I do hope all turns out for the best, but you do not in any way, shape or form deserve this. I think there is something much different going on here, maybe a pre-midlife crisis? The fact that he will allow his friends over but not his own wife is just too weird. I think you're on the right path. He decided to put everyone's lives on hold for his own selfish reasons. That doesn't mean you actually have to. Keep strong and keep loving those kids...Hugs to you...

 

[rbella]

Yes, I knew that. But, they are still a great way to help heal.

Let me know how things are going for you. I'm worried about you!

 

[FullWroth]

It sounds like assessing his mental state right now would be a good idea. I know I'm totally sounding like the therapist police or something, but at least to me, I kinda feel like... if this were my fiancee, his mental state would be the make or break thing for me.

Like, if he's actually ill, then there's a good chance he doesn't have a clue what he's saying to you. I've known people with severe depression and psychoses, and I know they love me deeply, but some of the things they've said to me when they were off their medications were absolutely horrible. I've heard similar anecdotes from friends about loved ones, like parents, acting completely ridiculous, rude and thoughtless while off their meds and then acting like average, normal people while on them.


On the other hand, if he's NOT ill, then yeah, leave the creep. He's had enough "time and space," and I can't believe his friends are STILL telling you to give him that. You HAVE already. You are his wife. He took the same vows you did. If he lacks the capacity to live up to those vows, you DO need to get out and find someone who'll treat you the way you deserve.

So at least to me, that would be the deal breaker right there. If he's sick, then get him into therapy and possibly on some mood stabilizers, and he'll get back to treating you decently. Sure, it'll be rough on you both for a while, but he'll come out of it and get back to as-close-to-normal-as-he-can. If he's just being a dick, then you've done all you can to get him back and now it's his turn to decide whether or not he wants to be a douchebag.

 

[kaliraksha]

Wow, that's really a horrid situation. I can't imagine how I would handle myself and I am astonished with how sane you've remained.

I've been with my SO since high school and it scares me to imagine that you think you know someone, but you can't always be sure....

I wish you the best of luck with the situation and hope that he comes to his senses. From your actions and words I know 100% that you will be in a better situation and a better person after all of this.