When is the right age to start dating? Parent problems.

[PBunnieP]

I love my parents both very much.
I also love my bf very much.

And that seems to create a problem since my mom (dads are a WHOLE different story) thinks i shouldn't date until I am done university and given myself 2 yrs to settle down into life. Which means around 22-24 (she's leaning on 24). Of course their main reason seems to be that they are afraid that I wont focus on school and that I am too young to handle my emotions.

Yet what about THAT ONE you just really think is the right person? Ok...given I'm 18/19 I'm not saying marriage or anything but my BF makes me feel like such a wonderful person. We are both really mature and generally handle our lives very well. And we have actually stayed together for TWO YEARS NOW (as of 28th, OCT) in secret. None of other guys have ever made me feel BEAUTIFUL and he actually supports me greatly in my carreer goals/studies as well.

My parents know him (sorta) yet they dont know him as my bf. These past few weeks, it feels like I'm falling in luv with him all over again and its such a wonderful feeling but I am so sad that I can not share this great person in my life with my parents. I do not want to keep hiding until i'm 22-24. I feel so torn.

 

[MACATTAK]

22 or 24 is quite a long time to start dating. My parents were very strict with me, but after 18, they knew they couldn't hold me down anymore. I had a boyfriend all through high school....they just didn't want to know about him. I think you should have a serious conversation with your parents & let them know that you are ready. Also, let them know that your schooling and education is not going to suffer because of this. Honestly, trying to make you wait until you are 24 to "start dating" seems very unrealistic to me. There needs to be a compromise.

 

[Raerae]

Not sure where you live, and what the rules are...

If financially, your parents would cut you off if you were dating, I'd probably do it in secret. I doubt most of us on the board told our parents about the guy who was our first kiss, or who we gave our V card too LOL.

If the only bad part is your parents lack of approval, then it's really up to you... I'm sure a lot of us were already a few boyfriends deep (lol if you can really call some of my Jr. High and Freshman year guys that I "dated" boyfriends lol) by 18.

I personally don't see a relationship as being a negative on anything. As long as your clear with him about the boundaries that you're comfortable within, and he accepts that, I don't personally see the problem. I doubt your parents would agree with me though... On a lot of things LOL!

 

[Raerae]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MACATTAK 22 or 24 is quite a long time to start dating. My parents were very strict with me, but after 18, they knew they couldn't hold me down anymore. I had a boyfriend all through high school....they just didn't want to know about him. I think you should have a serious conversation with your parents & let them know that you are ready. Also, let them know that your schooling and education is not going to suffer because of this. Honestly, trying to make you wait until you are 24 to "start dating" seems very unrealistic to me. There needs to be a compromise.

I totally agree...

I dont really see how anyone could marry the first guy they dated (i know some peeps do). Since like... As I've dated, I've learned what I want in a man, or more specifically, a husband. I'm getting closer, but not sure if I'm there yet. My current relationship has lasted longer than any other though, probably due more to him than me though LOL!

 

[PBunnieP]

I live in Canada (Vancouver) but have Asian Parents (yes they are capped since they seem to be a breed of their own.)

 

[Shimmer]

ohhhhh the cross cultural AND age gap is a hard one to cover. :/

 

[CantAffordMAC]

I think you're old enough to make your own decisions. I understand that you respect your parents, but I think waiting until you're 24 is a stretch. I probably started around 16. I understand where they're coming from but then again, you have been with him for 2 years, so really their preference of wanting you to wait until your 24 doesn't matter, because you've been with your boyfriend anyways. So basically you've already chosen whats more important--and thats your boyfriend. (i'm not saying he's more important than your parents, I'm saying your decision to be with him ruled out the decision to respect your parents' wishes) Now all you have to do is decide whether or not to let them know.
Like I said, you are now an adult. You can either make the decision to respect what they want or do your own thing. You can tell them, or you can keep it a secret. Personally, I can't imagine being able to keep this a secret for another 5 years when its already been hidden for 2 years.

 

[Glassdoll]

Well, i know how asian parents can be... u could probably try and talk to ur mum (if ur closer to her) abt it first. esp if u've been with this guy for 2yrs. explain to her that this guy is important to you, and that u being in a relationship has not affected ur studies the past 2yrs.

if u really can't talk to them abt it, then just carry on ur relationship with this guy till ur older then tell them then.

 

[user79]

That sucks that your parents are so strict about this, I mean obviously this is someone you really care about, not some meaningless worthless dude. I would broach the subject and see how they respond, sneaking behind their back seems like it could end badly if they found out.

I started dating when I was like 17, so I think your age is totally normal.

 

[Leilani78]

My parents used to be like that. They thought that I would never finish school if I had a boyfriend. But I definitely proved them wrong. I finished college in 4 years and switched majors my spring semester sophomore year and had a bf all throughout college. You should try to talk to them about you dating. Also, do not hide your boyfriend from your parents. I did this and it was not a pretty when my parents found out. My parents told me that they it would be better if I told them instead of them finding out. Plus, sneaking around and hiding it made me feel guilty and disgusted with myself. Also it puts a strain on the relationship. Aside from my experience, I also have a friend who has been with her bf for 2.5 years and her dad still doesnt know. I tell her that she should tell her dad, but at the same time I understand why she won't tell her dad. She also hates hiding him, but she feels like thats is all she can do.
Bottom line, tell your parents. Sure you do not know how they will take it, but its better than not telling them. Also, if you go away for college, there are alot of other things that can prevent you from not finishing up school and getting a job- like partying wayyyyyyyy too much and not giving a rats ass about school.

 

[PBunnieP]

Quote:

Originally Posted by kikalani My parents used to be like that. They thought that I would never finish school if I had a boyfriend. But I definitely proved them wrong. I finished college in 4 years and switched majors my spring semester sophomore year and had a bf all throughout college. You should try to talk to them about you dating. Also, do not hide your boyfriend from your parents. I did this and it was not a pretty when my parents found out. My parents told me that they it would be better if I told them instead of them finding out. Plus, sneaking around and hiding it made me feel guilty and disgusted with myself. Also it puts a strain on the relationship. Aside from my experience, I also have a friend who has been with her bf for 2.5 years and her dad still doesnt know. I tell her that she should tell her dad, but at the same time I understand why she won't tell her dad. She also hates hiding him, but she feels like thats is all she can do. Bottom line, tell your parents. Sure you do not know how they will take it, but its better than not telling them. Also, if you go away for college, there are alot of other things that can prevent you from not finishing up school and getting a job- like partying wayyyyyyyy too much and not giving a rats ass about school.

On that note, would u suggest I fess up about the past 2yrs? Or just let them know we are "currently" dating? It's like I know hidding is bad and I feel so guilty, each day seem to intensify the hurt they will receive when they do find out.

 

[meiming]

Maybe just start off letting them know you are dating. If my hunch is right (since i have asian parents too), they'll end up asking you how long this has been going on anyway.

 

[flowerhead]

Err that's a bit old-fashioned :/ Just ignore them!

 

[Shimmer]

Having Asian parents makes that FAR easier said than done.

 

[labellavita7]

Love and relationships are a part of life, they help you grow and they help you to be stronger. I don't know where I would be right now if I hadn't built up relationships, dumped, been dumped, it gives you experiences that help you know yourself and your emotions. In my experiences, it's what has helped me evolve into the person I am today. You may have strict parents but all kids go through this, everyone goes through an experience where they get into something they aren't emotionally ready for. Even if you are emotionally mature enough to handle serious relationships, more power to you, you have every right to date and be happy. But you just have to find the right balance of that and school, which isn't really hard. I've never had a problem focusing on my studies because of a boyfriend.

I understand respecting your parents wishes, but I think you are old enough to know what's right for yourself. You shouldn't have to hide. If you are successfully balancing your personal life with your academic life, and have the grades to prove it, your parents should be proud of you. Show them what you're able to do and maybe they will be more accepting of the fact that you want to date. I hope it all works out!

 

[chocodcocoa]

My parents used to be like that! I'm Asian too =D
I just sat down and had a really serious and lengthy conversation with them... I asked them when they expected me to be married, since starting relationships after university is kinda late... and from what I see and understand Asian parents usually frown upon daughters who are single after a certain age (let's say 30). I also told them that since every single one of my friends have had bfs, I was the only one who's left out... and then babbled on about how this would do to my self esteem, how maybe after years of not having a bf I'd end up not wanting one... etc.
I would tell them that you have started dating this guy... but I wouldn't tell them out right that you've been in a relationship with him for two years, just in case it compromises their trust for you... I'd just say I've known him and liked him for 2 years =D
Hope it all works out for you!