WHOA WHOA WHOA!! Was I used???

[BloodMittens]

Okay, I really think this is a much better place to possibly get advice about this since I can't seem to get a good answer out of my friends, they seem to think I was used without a hands down or giving the guy the better benefit of the doubt.

Anyways, this might be rather long, and I apologize if it is. I recently, as in about 5 months ago, got left by my boyfriend of three years. And it slowly turned into us sleeping together until we mutually decided to break it off. But we are still VERY good and close friends.

So a little while after that I made a match.com profile, just to meet some new people and some new guys, since I hadn't been in the dating world in FOREVER. And I ended up finding one of my ex's old co-worker/friend on there that I had met from my ex about 2 years ago, and decided to wink at him and then added him on myspace, just to get to know him. He ended up messaging me and we talked on AIM on and off for about two weeks before we decided to hang out. We both decided NOT to tell my ex, since my ex has major jealousy issues and we didn't want to piss him off.

So I went over to his place last week, I was really nervous because I'm really shy and not good with meeting people even if I had met him before just in passing. But slowly I started to open up, I didn't drink anything because I figured it would impair my judgment, and I REALLY did not want that happening. So we ended up talking about random stuff, playing Guitar Hero, and ping-pong (no, I am not kidding, PING-PONG) then we decided to start playing poker, because I told him the week before on AIM that I would kick his ass.

Well somehow between flirting and laughing it became strip poker as a joke, then slowly got more serious and yeahhhh we started losing clothes, MOSTLY me. And then after that... stuff happened, went to third base, and yeah... that's all a little too graphic. I mean... I consented, but I was REALLY nervous (I'd never done anything really except with my ex fiance) and it was... weird. He didn't kiss me at all... which was odd, and I didn't know what to make of it. And afterwards, he just kinda laid away from me and got really tired, told me I didn't have to leave, but I thought it was a good idea because I was very uncomfortable after doing that... and I didn't know what to do.

So I went home, talked to him a little the next day. He said he had fun, and asked if I did as well. I said yeah, and tried to play it off that I was fine. But... after the next day I realized I was NOT okay, and I told him I felt kinda scared and messed up from it. I also felt bad having to lie to my ex the VERY next day when we went to a birthday party. So after talking to him a little bit about the situation and telling him how I felt and how I was kinda uncomfortable with it, he apologized, said he was sorry, he knew I was nervous and we shouldn't have done anything... he said he didn't want me to regret anything. I told him I didn't because I really don't regret anything I do, it's always for SOME reason. He told me not to tell my ex, which I wasn't going to do in the first place, and told me... he didn't know what me and my ex had, but he didn't want to get inbetween that, and he also didn't want my ex mad at him.

I don't know what's going on... he told me not to think about it so much... but I'm having trouble with this... any help, advice, or light to be shed on this would be GREATLY appreciated!

I'm so confused... D:

BAD NEWS! EDIT!

I like the dude

Could this get worse?!

 

[M.A.C. head.]

No, you weren't used.

But you did something that you probably should have waited to do. It was your decision, you weren't impaired or forced; so just deal with the emotions and move on. I think the guy likes you, to be honest. It's one thing to get some ass, but the fact that he still talked to you after the fact and is still being sensitive toward your situation and what your feeling says a lot about his character.

I don't think he did anything wrong, and neither did you. You should just take it slow with him. And if your ex finds out, oh well. He's your ex for a reason, look toward the future.

 

[BloodMittens]

Quote:

Originally Posted by M.A.C. head. No, you weren't used. But you did something that you probably should have waited to do. It was your decision, you weren't impaired or forced; so just deal with the emotions and move on. I think the guy likes you, to be honest. It's one thing to get some ass, but the fact that he still talked to you after the fact and is still being sensitive toward your situation and what your feeling says a lot about his character. I don't think he did anything wrong, and neither did you. You should just take it slow with him. And if your ex finds out, oh well. He's your ex for a reason, look toward the future.

I figured... I just like to have the opinion of others. Being sometimes my emotions cause me to think the worst. And I hate that... because he's a nice guy.

 

[BloodMittens]

Oh... crap... I just realized I like the guy... halp? D:

 

[MissMochaXOXO]

i think ur overethinking this!or ur feeling guilty for going that far right away and ur embarassed or a little ashamed of urself maybe?u need more time to get to know someone b4 u get naked in front of them or it will feel weird the next day most of the time(unless ur super-confident or very sexual). u like him though and he prob likes u back or he wouldnt still be talking to u in a nice way! just take it slower next time, u can really mess things up with a guy if u give it up too fast!(i think)

 

[Cutetoughgirl]

I agree....I don't think you were used....but if you over analyze it and keep bringing it up to the guy he might start to think you have a few screws loose!! So here's a good place to vent. I think he got it now that you don't normally do that and just leave it at that!! See where things go-if that is always coming up it will be awkward for anything to move forward!! So take it as a lesson learned. Good luck with this guy hopefully it all goes the way you hope!!!!

 

[BloodMittens]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cutetoughgirl I agree....I don't think you were used....but if you over analyze it and keep bringing it up to the guy he might start to think you have a few screws loose!! So here's a good place to vent. I think he got it now that you don't normally do that and just leave it at that!! See where things go-if that is always coming up it will be awkward for anything to move forward!! So take it as a lesson learned. Good luck with this guy hopefully it all goes the way you hope!!!!

Thank you guys

 

[kaliraksha]

I could see myself easily getting into this situation and feeling the way you do, but I think it's just guilt. To be harsh (sorry!) you probably have guilt over dating "so soon" or your ex's acquaintance and you are trying to make it "not your fault" by accepting the idea that he used you and hence you were "tricked into it".

But, you were both consenting adults. He's still talking to you afterwards and he apologized for making you feel this way. If you do like him, save yourself the future heartache and try actually dating and stick to what you're comfortable with. Also, you should just talk to your ex about it if you do intend to date... secrets don't stay that way for long- especially if you're still friends with your ex.

 

[COBI]

Quote:

Originally Posted by BloodMittens He told me not to tell my ex, which I wasn't going to do in the first place, and told me... he didn't know what me and my ex had, but he didn't want to get inbetween that, and he also didn't want my ex mad at him.

Why does he think there's something to "get in between"? Is it possible that he's interested as well but you are sending the message/signal that there is still something you have or are trying to have with your ex?

 

[X4biddenxLustX]

^^Yeah that's what I got too. He prob just didn't want to feel that he may of "ruined" things between you and the ex if there was anything still left since he doesn't know where you both stand in this situation. I'd just take it slow if you really do like this guy and potentially want to date him. But I'd def explain to him that you and the ex are over.

I do think that he's into you though, cause he apologized to you. Most men who are just looking for a bootycall or whatever wouldn't be very concerned about you and how you feel.

I hope you get this all sorted out!

 

[3jane]

You may want to take a step back from both of them. Your ex is your ex, and especially if he has jealousy issues, ease him out of your life a bit. You can still be friendly, but you don't have to share all your thoughts and feelings, yknow? When you start dating, you have less baggage and won't have as much awkwardness in your romantic life.

As for new guy, hang out in a public place next time... coffee, walk in the park, museum, whatever. Something informal and not too date-like. It'll give you a better idea of what he's like, without putting you in an uncomfortable situation sexually... and since there's a much smaller chance of shenanigans when you're out, it'll be more obvious whether he's interested in you for just hooking up or whether he likes you for more than that. Hint: if he's whiny about grabbing coffee and wants to hang out at his place, that's not a good sign.

Idk, something about the way you described him makes me think he's immature... so careful. Make sure he treats you with respect. And trust your intuition-- if he's worth it, he'll respect you wanting to take it slow.

 

[Lauren1981]

i personally think you shouldn't see this boy anymore considering he is a old friend/co-worker of your ex. just mainly because no matter what they say, guys talk. i honestly feel they gossip more than us females but that's just me. do you know if they still talk or were they just friends on the job? do they still work together?
i've just always been leery of dating an ex's friend or someone they talk to period just because i don't want to be the center/subject of conversation. i remember once in college i hooked up with a friend. then about 4-5 months later a new guy came to college and we started dating BUT he also started hanging out with the guy i had hooked up with but not til after we started dating. the inevitable happend and it didn't end nicely but i couldn't do anything since it was in my past. plus they weren't friends when we started dating so i didn't feel obligated to discuss with him
but back to you.....
personally i do think you were used to an extent but not 100%. i think any of us who have slept with a guy too soon pretty much had that same reaction afterwards. but he sounds like he's trying to make sure he's an innocent party in this whole thing so in case your ex finds out he can try and fall back on that "i don't want to come between you guys" bullshit he's spitting. if he truly didn't then when you guys met and established who you were/knew then it wouldnt have gone any further.
what's done is done and i wouldn't dwell on it since you can't change it but i wouldnt continue to see him. its almost like he's telling you he kind of used you by saying all this stuff about it not going any further because he doesn't want to "make anyone mad".......
i think he's full of shit personally

just my opinion.

and if you continue to see him, just take it a little slower next time. i read another comment where someone said meet up in public and i think that's a good idea

 

[BloodMittens]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lauren1981 but he sounds like he's trying to make sure he's an innocent party in this whole thing so in case your ex finds out he can try and fall back on that "i don't want to come between you guys" bullshit he's spitting. if he truly didn't then when you guys met and established who you were/knew then it wouldnt have gone any further.

This is exactly what I was thinking in the first place... if he didn't want to piss my ex off, then why invite me over in the first place? He obviously HOPED for this to happen... so if you didn't want to piss my ex off, then why even do so?

I don't know. And they aren't really "friends" anymore, they never hung out outside of work, so I guess you can't even call them friends. They talk on Xbox live maybe three times a year. I think I've talked to this guy in the past month more than my ex has in the past 3 years.

And I find it funny, that two days later, my ex confronted me about this guy, saying that "He's too shallow, and you're too fat for him, so I have no worries."

Gotta love my ex and his sincere insecurities with himself to bring down everything upon me. Screw it.

EDIT: I ended up having the courage to tell the guy I was attracted to him, more than physically wise, just to see what would happen. Andddd, he basically said "You don't want a relationship with me." I asked why, and got the normal "I work too much, I would never be able to give you the attention you need, why do you think I'm single? Plus, I live by myself, in my own place..." Kinda maybe hinting at - PLAYA!?

:/ I don't know... but, I even said "Whoawhoa, jumping the gun there, I just wanted a friendship with you first." and he agreed to that, so that's better I guess. But I don't think it's ever gonna go farther than that ever again. Because knowing he's probably been with a lot of girls from what he's hinting... is not attractive at all to me.

 

[Lauren1981]

Quote:

Originally Posted by BloodMittens And I find it funny, that two days later, my ex confronted me about this guy, saying that "He's too shallow, and you're too fat for him, so I have no worries." Gotta love my ex and his sincere insecurities with himself to bring down everything upon me. Screw it. EDIT: I ended up having the courage to tell the guy I was attracted to him, more than physically wise, just to see what would happen. Andddd, he basically said "You don't want a relationship with me." I asked why, and got the normal "I work too much, I would never be able to give you the attention you need, why do you think I'm single? Plus, I live by myself, in my own place..." Kinda maybe hinting at - PLAYA!?

your ex sounds like an insecure @$$hole. like deep down he's prob a little bothered by it but would rather try and make you feel like shit about yourself than admit it.
and from what that guy said to you i think i was pretty damn close with saying he's full of shit. i mean, we have the power to not get involved with guys like this but it still sucks to see a guy like this. he should have left all that "i cant give you what you need" shit off and just said "hey. i'm single and got my own shit and want to keep it that way". AND he should have established that in the beginning so then there woulda been no questions asked after the fact.
and see how quickly his TRUE self made him so unattractive to you?
he's whack
i'm glad you saw this sooner than later whether you slept with the guy or not.
and trust, he's prob doing the same thing to some other females as we speak. sounds like a real jerk to me.
i think the match.com thing is a cool thing to do as far as just having fun. i'm not saying it can't help with finding a boyfriend, i'm just saying have fun with it and dont go looking for a relationship.
i know and i are two totally different ppl but in my personal experience, anytime i was like REALLY looking for a boyfriend then with every guy i met i was looking to find a boyfriend in him ya know? i know you really don't need the lecture. lol! i'm just sayin

 

[BloodMittens]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lauren1981 your ex sounds like an insecure @$$hole. like deep down he's prob a little bothered by it but would rather try and make you feel like shit about yourself than admit it. and from what that guy said to you i think i was pretty damn close with saying he's full of shit. i mean, we have the power to not get involved with guys like this but it still sucks to see a guy like this. he should have left all that "i cant give you what you need" shit off and just said "hey. i'm single and got my own shit and want to keep it that way". AND he should have established that in the beginning so then there woulda been no questions asked after the fact. and see how quickly his TRUE self made him so unattractive to you? he's whack i'm glad you saw this sooner than later whether you slept with the guy or not. and trust, he's prob doing the same thing to some other females as we speak. sounds like a real jerk to me. i think the match.com thing is a cool thing to do as far as just having fun. i'm not saying it can't help with finding a boyfriend, i'm just saying have fun with it and dont go looking for a relationship. i know and i are two totally different ppl but in my personal experience, anytime i was like REALLY looking for a boyfriend then with every guy i met i was looking to find a boyfriend in him ya know? i know you really don't need the lecture. lol! i'm just sayin

OHH! I hear ya! I was surprised actually because in the beginning he seemed like a real down to earth guy with goals and what not. I admired him because he worked so much and everything, but to hear that... just totally turned me off.

And I don't know, maybe he really didn't mean to hurt me, but he definitely did, and he said "I never meant to hurt you..."

Maybe he took me as a girl who does those types of things without a second thought... but that's not me, and I don't know how he could have seen me as liking that sort of thing. I'm not sure... whichever.

And no, I didn't sleep with him. And I'm grateful that I didn't, because I'd be in a horrible position.

 

[Lauren1981]

Quote:

Originally Posted by BloodMittens And no, I didn't sleep with him. And I'm grateful that I didn't, because I'd be in a horrible position.

my bad. ha!
i hate when i f up like that
OOPS!

but i'm just happy u saw the jerk for what he really is

 

[BloodMittens]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lauren1981 my bad. ha! i hate when i f up like that OOPS! but i'm just happy u saw the jerk for what he really is

I'm glad too. I feel kinda horrible though D: It's like... I really thought MAYBE that he was a little different...

I've been screwed over so much in the past few months... I can't even believe how many times it's been now... :< Do I have a stamp that says "USE ME!!!" on my head or something? Or can guys just tell I'm vulnerable?

 

[Lauren1981]

Quote:

Originally Posted by BloodMittens I'm glad too. I feel kinda horrible though D: It's like... I really thought MAYBE that he was a little different... I've been screwed over so much in the past few months... I can't even believe how many times it's been now... :< Do I have a stamp that says "USE ME!!!" on my head or something? Or can guys just tell I'm vulnerable?

i will say that someones vulnerability can be sensed within the first few moments of speaking to someone. we can be letting someone know we're vulnerable without technically saying it. AND at the same time, a jerk is a jerk. jerks will try to get away with anything from anyone. basically i don't think his approach to you is any different than his approach to another female. you might be a little vulnerable anyway because even tho u and ur ex broke up 5 months ago its only been a little while since you two stopped sleeping together so that feelings are still fresh. you werent in a short relationship either.
ppl will do to you whatever u allow them to do and thats just the way the world is. so it's not just you. we can only get used if we let someone use us. that jackass is using someone else at this very moment more than likely. some guys prey on females who are recently out of a relationship because that's typically a time where we're super vulnerable and might do a lot of things out of that vulnerability that we wouldn't do on a normal day, ya know?

 

[BloodMittens]

LOL! And you wanna know the best part about this? He asked me come over and give him a "replay" a few weeks ago, and he's been asking everyday since then. Ugh.

Gross. Srsly.

 

[slipnslide]

You need to tell him you obviously want different things at this stage of your life.
It sucks to think of it this way, but really what indication did you give him that you wanted him to be anything other than a playa? It's not like you went on nine dates and made out all the time before you gave him any sugar.
It also sounds like you probably needed to fool around with someone besides your ex, at the same time. So, if I were you I'd think of it as you used him for something too and then move on.