Who's up for some poetry? :-D

[toropcheh]

I posted this on MUA too, but I want as much input as I can get.

This is a place poem for my poetry class (due tomorrow). Any suggestions, comments, criticisms, anything are much appreciated!

Thanks!


COLUMBARIUM

Smooth, grey stone surrounds
The wooden box that encases you.
The fallen whisper
Through the desperate trees, a harsh
Welcome among the cold marble columns.
Dragon’s breath rests on the soft ground.
You loved Dragon’s breath.

Somber, omnipresent clouds threaten
To silence the stark, penetrating
Quiet that surrounds the cemetery.

Click
A camera immortalizes
One more image of the chapel entrance.
You loved pictures.

The service was brief, but poignant.
The DVD skips.
The procession to your stone
Was only eight minutes
According to the bright green numbers,
Barely visible through the incessant tears.
You loved Arlington.


It's sort of a mix between being about a place (Arlington National Cemetery) and a person (my grandfather, who died last year and is interred there). I hope the emotion conveys itself....

 

[mspixieears]

Heh, I am, I'm always up for it seeing as I write so much of the bloody stuff!

I love the second half - you say so much in so few lines. What I mean is, as a reader it seems to communicate so much emotion in so simple a manner. It's flawless.

The first bit is a little confusing to me; that could be because I don't know what 'Dragon's breath' is exactly. It also seems very out-of-character in relation to the rest of the poem, dare I say even a tiny bit more cliched?

But seriously, from 'Somber' to 'Arlington' you have my complete attention; such an original and moving tribute to someone I imagine you must have loved very much. If I had written this, I'd be very satisfied with myself.

I love it.

 

[toropcheh]

Thanks for the great comments! Apparently my poetry instructor doesn't agree... lol He thinks I used too many adjectives in the second stanza and that it was too sentimental because there was a lack of "I" in it. If only I could roll my eyes a little bit harder... blech. Oh well, thanks anyway!

 

[mspixieears]

Pooh to him! Tell him to read more Ted Hughes; I would've told you if I thought the 2nd stanza was too sentimental. I'm British and sentimentality isn't my strong point, hahaha! But hey, I don't teach poetry so perhaps I should shut up.

The thing I liked about the poem after the first bit was that it sounds like it's coming from a really wizened person, someone older than their years.

He should be working on helping you develop your personal style, not telling you what words to use (rolling eyes even more than you).

I'd love to read more of your work, PM me if you ever need any feedback. *grin*


If he thinks it's sentimental, tell him to go read 'You Hated Spain' by Ted Hughes from his Birthday Letters poetry volume.