worried and confused

[euphrosyne_rose]

I'm having some trouble in my relationship right now. Hopefullly someone can give me some advice or insight. I am just so....unsure of what to do or say.

My boyfriend and I have been together a little over a year. We live about an hour and a half away from each other. We both work M-F and have the weekends off, but it's usually ME who drives to his house to spend the weekend with him. He has dogs that he says he can't leave alone overnight so that's one of the reasons he doesn't come see me. Ok, I can understand that. I guess. He also takes medicine for depression and I don't think it's really working because he stays bummed about the condition of his house, his finances, his job, and the fact that his family lives 12 hours away. He fusses about all these things all the time, but doesn't seem to be able to get on the right track to doing anything about any of it. He found a listing for a job that would be perfect for him, but says that they told him they were really wanting a "woman or a minority" and so he shouldn't even bother. When I told him you never know what else might be open, he just insists he shouldn't even waste his time.

Well, we haven't seen each other in about a month because I've had several things going on the past few weekends. Birthdays of family members, friends, work activities that I am required to attend, etc. About 2 weeks ago, his only surviving grandmother had a stroke and had to be taken to the hospital and is still there. Her condition is worsening and he is understandably (?) upset. We don't talk on the phone every day but we do email each other, so whenever we talk, I ask how she's doing and how things are going at work. He's been very abrupt and rude with me when I ask, like I'm stupid for even thinking she might be getting better. I keep telling him that it's possible she'll make it through or get better, but he seems determined that this is it for her. I am trying to be as understanding as possible, especially since I know what he's going through, but I feel like he doesn't need to act like a jerk about it. He told me I should be "realistic" and realize she's not going to make it. He's been very negative about things lately, like his job, finances, etc. All the things I mentioned before. We've talked about getting married, but if he doesn't find a better job, we won't be able to afford to. He just can't seem to get himself out of this hole of depression and I don't know how to talk to him about it, especially now since his grandma is so sick.

One of the things I've been worried about is the fact that since we've been together, he's only been to see me about twice. Whenever I try to get him to at least spend the day since he can't spend the night, something always comes up, like he's broke or he's sick, or he's just GOT to work on his house. My family asks me constantly when he's going to visit, and he's never met my friends. My best friend is convinced that he doesn't really have any consideration for me since he never TRIES to come this way and thinks if he really cared about me, he would at least try to come see me and visit with my family. So of course when I try to talk to him about it and I'm honest about what she's said, he gets pissed and thinks she's trying to sabotage our relationship and so now he doesn't even want to meet her. How do I tell my BEST FRIEND, sorry, he doesn't want to meet you because he thinks your the devil? I've tried to tell him she's just looking out for me, but he doesn't want to hear it. Right now he's complaining about how he doesn't have much money and gas is so expensive, which he IS right, but it seems to be perfectly find to expect me to spend the money and drive over to see him. I'm supposed to go see him this weekend, the first time I've been in a month, and I'm almost not looking forward to it. How do I talk to him or what do I say without being the bitch that "just doesn't understand?" I feel like I've been very understanding this whole time and it's just starting to really get to me. What do I do?
I also feel like since the last time I saw him, he's different. I don't know if something else is up and he's not telling me, or if all the things bothering him plus his grandma are starting to get to him, or what. BIG SIGH. I am so confused and worried that I am going to say the wrong thing.
Any advice or ideas?

 

[makeup_wh0re]

2 things....

1.... he seems like a dick. He doesn't know your friend and it sounds as though he IS a dick bc he is saying she is the devil, which makes it seem like he knows he is being a jerk. If not it seems like he would be more understanding of where she is coming from and try to reassure you.

2.... I am bi-polar. I have to take meds for it. You need to think about his depression, what I mean by that is, alot of people will be depressed for the rest of their lives. They will have to take meds and all that good stuff. Sometimes the meds don't work right, sometimes you forget to take them. Plainly, he is going to act crazy sometimes lol. If you don't think that you can deal with that for the rest of your life then you should get out. My bf is having a real hard time with me, but we have a son together. Sometimes I don't know if he really wants to be with me or if he is doing it for our baby.

I think it is really shitty, yes gas and all that is expensive but you are having to pay it since he doesn't. He should at least wanna do it half and half. I hope this helps. Good luck.

 

[euphrosyne_rose]

Thanks for the insight. I just have to wonder if what he's taking is REALLY helping since he still seems so very down and out. He says that he is much better than he could be, and I can believe it. Don't get me wrong, I don't expect him to be super happy and cheerful all of the time, but it just seems like there's no happiness in sight. Do your meds help you extremely well if you don't mind my asking?

 

[MACATTAK]

When I was on medication for depression, it boosted my mood a lot. It's all about finding the right one, and the right dose. He may not have found that yet. When I was depressed, I was extremely negative about everything. Try suggesting talking with his doctor.

 

[euphrosyne_rose]

That's a good idea. Hopefully I can suggest it without him getting upset. I've mentioned before that maybe he needs to try having the dosage upped a little and he thinks it's fine.
Thanks!

 

[makeup_wh0re]

I have been trying meds on and off since I was 14. I am 23. I haven't found one yet that has helped me. The more I think about what you typed and why would he act that way, it kinda seems like he knows he has an "excuse" to be a dick, and that is really fucked up. You need to talk to him before it gets too out of hand(if you wanna work things out). Tell him that you will be there for him and you will be understanding, but you WILL NOT be treated like shit. You need to watch him with his meds, by that I mean try to make sure he is taking them. I used to write and stuff like that but when I take meds I feel way less artistic. He may not like the way they make him feel and maybe keeps overthinking it where he decides sometimes he won't take them. Like i said, if you really want to be with him for the long haul you have to have a talk with him, and be tough, do not let him make you feel bad. It is a sweet thing when someone will accecpt you past depression. I am thankful for my bf everyday.